Topic ID: 28549
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
Sam
axis of evil, BRB
Epic Novelist
Gender: 
Age: 15
Joined: 12 Dec 2004
Posts: 4908
Reviews: 1251
Country: 'mreeka
311 Points
|
 Posted: Wed Apr 09, 2008 3:10 am Post subject: PHOENIX, or, Set Fire to the River |
 |
|
This came from my PoWriMo thread, so don't fret if you've seen it before. ^_^
___
Where flames met the earth, you put your hands to the ground
and watched the flesh bubble and tear. I saw you next
when your hands were wrapped in salve and white, and I brought you
candles in jars to illuminate your fever-dreams.
I spread paint on your fingers and guided your scorched bones across paper,
to show you that blackened things still hold the privilege of color.
Jagged salt spikes ran down your face in rows and I swore something
unto the blaze that you would someday hear—
there isn’t a thing I wouldn’t do for you, darling, but keep you alive. |
_________________
You can build a throne with bayonets, but you can't sit on it for very long.
- Boris Yeltsin
Last edited by Sam on Wed Apr 09, 2008 3:28 am; edited 1 time in total |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
Teague
don't touch me, i'm nanoing
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 16 Oct 2006
Posts: 2015
Reviews: 483
Country: A ship! With me crew!
350 Points
|
| Posted: Wed Apr 09, 2008 3:22 am Post subject: |
|
|
It's Phoenix*, love. 
Not going to bore you with a highly unhelpful critique. Sorry! Just had to be a spelling Nazi.
(It's the town I live in. I'm a little protective of it, hah)
-Saint Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate  |
_________________
"If you don't vote, you're a moron." - Craig Ferguson
"Thank you for choosing Saint Razorblade Stick Beatings, where we really stick it to you - with a stick!" -Mattster
"Begone, earth logic! You have no place here!" -Black Cat Sachiko |
|
| Back to top |
|
Sythe
Writer
Gender: 
Age: 15
Joined: 08 Apr 2008
Posts: 64
Reviews: 42
Country: USA
0 Points
|
| Posted: Wed Apr 09, 2008 3:29 am Post subject: |
|
|
Sam,
This was a wonderful poem. I loved the whole morale of it. Just brilliant and sweet at the same time. I especially loved the last line. Really good.
One thing that I think this could use is a little more rhythm. It's like a heartbeat of such - thump, thump, thump. See how you read that? You read (hopefully) each thump with the same pause between each. This poem doesn't really have anything like that. It's just basically a couple of well crafted setences stuck in a poem formation. Make it have meaning - have value.
Hope you didn't take this too harshly. If you did, I'm sorry! I really liked it.
:Sythe: |
_________________
Stars 1
The Utopian Dream
Abductions |
|
| Back to top |
|
PenguinAttack
I'm just a pigment of your infatuation.
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 19
Joined: 29 Jul 2007
Posts: 965
Reviews: 382
Country: Grasslands.
300 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Apr 25, 2008 1:07 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Hello there, Sam. ^^
This is a gorgeous little poem, and you've only had two comments? (one being Saintifiction) Shocking! Not to be mistaken, I'm of no use. ^^
I adore this. Thoroughly and completely. You've created this feeling that just stuck with me as I read it, and I adore how you've dealt with the idea. You imagery is complete and beautiful, tactile and gritty.
One niggle that comes to me is in your last line;
"there isn't a thing I wouldn't do for you, darling, but keep you alive."
There's something about this that gets to me. I'm not sure.. but I think the length is a factor. It doesn't hit as well as an end line should, I feel. I think that the last line needed a hard impact, but this line lacked it.
All in all, though. I love this. Nice work. ^^
*Hearts* Le Penguin. |
_________________
Insomnia: He was a wonderful writer. It is perhaps unfortunate he should have met me and become my 3rd husband. I will miss him. And the printer. |
|
| Back to top |
|
blacktiger3915
It's the eye of the tiger!
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 26 Nov 2007
Posts: 730
Reviews: 270
Country: Atlanta,GA USA
300 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Apr 25, 2008 3:56 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| Nicly done and very creative! Great job. |
_________________
Don't send sheep to kill a wolf. |
|
| Back to top |
|
CK Lynn
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 18 Jan 2007
Posts: 346
Reviews: 219
Country: United States
300 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Apr 25, 2008 7:15 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| I really liked it-all except for the last line. It just didn't sound the same as the rest. |
_________________
And when the moment came that the Gods went too far, she would be there--and she would tear them all down. |
|
| Back to top |
|
Talking_Pinata
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 31 Dec 2007
Posts: 247
Reviews: 86
300 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Apr 25, 2008 9:33 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| Very nice! I liked basically everything about it! |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
