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Vampy_Girl15
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 Posted: Thu Apr 24, 2008 8:57 pm Post subject: |
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I loved the humor. Usually I don't like dream sequences at the beginning of a but I really enjoyed this. 
I hope you intend on continuing this. I can't wait to see who this amazingly cute guy is. 
Keep writing!
~Rachael |
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BigBadBear
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| Posted: Thu Apr 24, 2008 9:01 pm Post subject: |
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Oh goodness!
I did not expect that ending - took me totally by surprise. Like Aliam, I was like, "Oh gosh! He's licking her!" But it was just her dog. Haha. Clever.
I didn't notice anything wrong with it. The whole thing was rather fun to read.
-Jared |
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little.angelfire
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| Posted: Thu Apr 24, 2008 9:06 pm Post subject: |
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alright, I didn't feel like reading the other crits, so sorry if I repeat something someone already said.
"She is still studying for the test. And he’s a year older."
***
these ideas aren't related in the least. They kind of throw of the reading and it kind of confused me a bit. The whole paragraph is a little like that. Thought are just kind of thrown in there, almost relating to the sentence before it, but not quite really reaching the point. You need to be a bit more focused on it.
The dream sequence is all pretty weird. It's a bit confusing, at least for me, how you switch between what she is wondering, and then tell us what he his thinking. You need to focus a bit more, make it more centered. Right now, it's confusing as to who the reader is supposed to be concentrating on at the particular point.
I thinks it's an okay beginning to a story. I don't suggest using this as a prologue, if that's what you were planning. Instead, I think you should expand it and make it into your first chapter. But, if you wanted a prologue, then to do something to get the readers attention. Also, do something with the beginning paragraphs. Like I mentioned, it's all seems a little disconnected. The flow could be greatly improved if you fixed this. As you read on, it does get a little better, but it's not a large enough piece to really get a full idea of what the story is about.
--meow |
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tennisprincess
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| Posted: Thu Apr 24, 2008 9:24 pm Post subject: |
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I see talent in my crystal ball 
good job |
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Someguy
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| Posted: Thu Apr 24, 2008 9:27 pm Post subject: |
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Well, let me say that I think this could be the beginning of a good romance. (If it ends up that way)
Now, I'm not the romance type,but I'll use the little knowledge I have.
I think that the dream thing shows that she is heavy in love with some dude. You just don't go dreaming about your neighbour, so this kind of reminds me of
one of those short romances that my sisters read.
The part where he was licking her in the dream kinda freaked me out. Seriously!! That was so not called for!
Uhm...yeah. There are a few spelling or punctuation errors, but it isn't serious.
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yoha_ahoy
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| Posted: Thu Apr 24, 2008 9:33 pm Post subject: |
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This was very good! You set up the mood very well. It's feels very romantic up until the "kiss" and then I laughed. I had a dream similar to that once, though luckily there wasn't a dog involved. XD Nice piece! You grab the reader and don't let go! Some good writing I should say.
~Yoyo  |
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Prokaryote
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| Posted: Thu Apr 24, 2008 9:46 pm Post subject: Re: First Kiss |
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| Dreamer wrote: |
| “No, but thank you.” he says. |
The period within the quotation marks should be a comma.
The ending was more gross to me than funny -- a dog licking my face is vomitrocious.
I wouldn't use italics in the dream sequence. It gives it away.
Be sure to paragraph properly. This:
| Quote: |
Sam pushed her dog off of her with a groan. To be honest, she really didn’t have a problem with Sandy’s wake-up methods. It was just in moments like these when she despised them. She heard a thump as Sandy fell off the bed. Not at all phased by her fall, Sandy jumped back up to thoroughly bathe Sam’s face in dog slobber.
“Knock it off. See? Speaking. I’m up.” Sandy continued to fill her ear with slime. "Go get food," Sam said, flinging her hand in the general direction of the door. |
... should be this:
| Quote: |
Sam pushed her dog off of her with a groan. To be honest, she really didn’t have a problem with Sandy’s wake-up methods. It was just in moments like these when she despised them. She heard a thump as Sandy fell off the bed. Not at all phased by her fall, Sandy jumped back up to thoroughly bathe Sam’s face in dog slobber.
“Knock it off. See? Speaking. I’m up.” Sandy continued to fill her ear with slime. "Go get food," Sam said, flinging her hand in the general direction of the door. |
Prokaryote |
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Flame11
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| Posted: Thu Apr 24, 2008 10:13 pm Post subject: |
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| Great! Everything else has already been pointed out. I can't find anything else wrong with it... |
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Dreamer
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| Posted: Thu Apr 24, 2008 11:59 pm Post subject: |
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NOTE: After Vernon's critique, I thoroughly attacked this piece. No nit-piking would be repeats of what others said, and if it is a repeat, I probably need to be told again if I haven't changed or taken care of it. What Vernon and those above critiqued was what JFW has quoted in her post. Big (to me, any way) change in how it was written, so many of the crits above OE don't apply anymore.
That said, you guys rock for helping me work with this piece. Any other comments?
Dreamer |
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Squall
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| Posted: Fri Apr 25, 2008 7:06 am Post subject: |
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Hey Dreamer.
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| He turns to face Sam, the girl sitting across from him. At sixteen, he seems so much more mature to her. He is handsome, his face perfectly made. His eyebrows, his cheeks, everything was perfect, flawless. She’s considered the smart one, not the pretty one. He has a car as well as the right to drive it. She is still studying for the test. And he’s a year older. He’s kissed lots of girls, in all probability. She had never been kissed by any other than her family. What was he thinking of her, she wonders. Is she a cheap ticket, or does he not care about how he out shines her? Would he have said yes to a date otherwise? She shifts nervously under his soft stare. With a knowing smile on her face, the waitress turns her back and slips silently away, not interrupting them further. |
Very good control on the telling. It reveals aspects of the main character without blowing everything away. It gives me enough for me to show some interest in the main character.
| Quote: |
| She hesitates for a moment, but leans closer until she could feel his breath. Would it be slobbery? Dry? Soft and electric? Gentle and intimate? They lean closer, their lips a hair’s breadth away from each other. She closes her eyes. Would it be like instant hunger, a need for more? Would they be able to stop themselves if it was? How powerful would the need for more be? Was it true that you couldn’t breathe during a kiss, a real kiss? His hand slowly touches her cheek, beginning to close the distance between them. |
Interesting.
Overall impressions:
Well I don't really have much beef with this piece. I like it, it was good. Technically, it is flawless in my eyes, I liked how everything flowed and your descriptions painted quite a precise picture in my mind.
One thing you can work on is the setting. I like how the licking and romance is linked with the present, but I think the setting should also be linked.
By that, you described the setting quite nicely, but there could had been more emphaisis on it. From the way you described the restaurant, it appears as though it is quite fancy and rich. What do you associate with such a restaurant?
I think it feels like a waste for not bringing out the deeper associations with the settings and not linking it with the present. It would make the overall theme of the piece more powerful.
But I like it, and I'm giving you a star.
Well done XD
Andy. |
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Last edited by Squall on Fri Apr 25, 2008 10:15 am; edited 1 time in total |
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PenguinAttack
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| Posted: Fri Apr 25, 2008 9:24 am Post subject: |
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Hi Selene!
Okay, to begin, I like this, it’s cute. ^^ Nice work on that. I’m not a huge fan of the dream thing but you use it well here, so I commend you there. ^^
Your second paragraph is full of juxtaposition, which is a lovely technique, but it’s too much too quickly. Why is she the smart one and not the pretty one, getting your plates is important, but perhaps you could mention how he even drove her there, how her parents stared when she whipped out the driveway in his car, how she wishes that she had her plates already, so she could stand up and be just as mature. Because that’s what she’s worrying about, ne? How immature she is, just one year younger than him, and how is experience makes her nervous for her own lack. Some little, almost inconsequential details would be grand here. Perhaps she tugs at the hem of her skirt, or flicks her nails – painted for the occasion – against the silverware, or she can’t help sipping from her water the whole time. Give her some habits, nervous ticks to play with and show the nervousness, even while you tell it. Perhaps you can connect the dream to the idea of sleep, a little mention of the closer she gets, how warmth fills her body like the dawn on her skin. Just to hint to us what will happen next.
A lot of the above is my own preference, I like details and little things. But I do think they’ll add to the narrative, and the characters.
I also think you lose some flow with how often you use the names in the final paragraphs. There’s just something… thick, stale, about the events that scream for some warmth. Perhaps take out some of the “she’s” or “he’s” and have solid events instead? Such as; “She heard a thump as Sandy fell off the bed.” Changing to “There was a thump as Sandy fell off the bed.”?
I hope this has helped somewhat. ^^ I do like it, I just think it needs a little work. Luck!
*Hearts* Le Penguin. |
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Kalliope
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| Posted: Fri Apr 25, 2008 12:57 pm Post subject: |
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Hi Dreamer,
I really enjoyed reading this. The dream is kind of cheesy, but I suspect you were attempting that and the ending was fun. I do have a slight problem with the ending though. I think you could make it a lot more sudden and end the cheesy part more abrupt. This way it kind of flows on without a change in pace although the atmosphere changes quite a bit.
Maybe you should try making you sentences shorter or something similar.
"He starts licking her face. Great, long, slobbery laps.
For example putting a period after face may help. But maybe that's just me.
Another thing I noticed was the tenses. You switch between present and past tense. Here for example:
He is handsome, his face perfectly made. His eyebrows, his cheeks, everything was perfect, flawless.
Just chose one tense and stick with it
Other than those two things I liked it 
Happy writing!
~Kalli |
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ashleylee
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| Posted: Fri Apr 25, 2008 1:54 pm Post subject: |
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Hey, that was hilarious  I had no idea it was a dream until he started licking her face. Very cute!
Well, I noticed only one thing for nit-picks:
| Quote: |
| “No, but thank you.” he says. |
Umm, this should be: "No, but thank you." He says. He should be capitalized since you ended the sentence earlier.
| Quote: |
| They lean closer, their lips a hair’s breadth away from each other. |
I put this in here just because I loved this sentence. It was very romantic!
Okay, otherwise, I thought this was a very cute and humorous story. You did well with it.
Keep it Up! |
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| Posted: Fri Apr 25, 2008 7:15 pm Post subject: |
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I really liked this. I liked how you put a girl's first kiss in depth description. I also liked how you described how nervous one can be when they're about to get their first kiss. For the kiss scene, try to add more depth detsils into the kissing part, too. Good work, Dreamer.
-Rick. |
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Lillyann
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| Posted: Fri Apr 25, 2008 9:17 pm Post subject: |
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My first crit, sorry if it lacks volume and general helpfulness.
I really enjoyed your piece although I was a bit nervous at first that I was reading into a cheap paperback. However, if your aim was to be cheesy and capture a typical teenagers ideal first kiss I think you hit the nail on the head.
Sadly I can’t help all that much on the grammatical side of things, I depend my on my computer for that and it seems as if everybody else has already pointed out the things I noticed.
Just wanted to let you know it’s a good piece, something I’d recommend to a friend in need a laugh. Keep it up, this seems to be the first piece I’ve read that hasn’t disappointed me when I’ve discovered it’s a dream.
=) |
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