Topic ID: 27228
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
KJ
Alas, my love...
Speaker of the Forum
Gender: 
Age: 16
Joined: 04 Mar 2008
Posts: 560
Reviews: 426
Country: USA
313 Points
|
 Posted: Sat Mar 15, 2008 10:48 pm Post subject: Needles and Roses - Chap. 1 (Edited) |
 |
|
Have yet again re-downloaded. 3rd (for you) version of this chapter. I've shortened it up, for those of you who hated the length 
Description: Takes place in London, around 1845. My MC is a timid servant called Rachel. As most characters, she has a past and a dark cloud over her future. Enjoy. |
_________________
There are no original ideas, just original voices.
-Unknown
Last edited by KJ on Sat Jul 19, 2008 3:25 pm; edited 4 times in total |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
ashleylee
You & Me, Forever
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 13 Mar 2008
Posts: 1016
Reviews: 580
Country: amongst the stars where gravity can't hold me down
624 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Mar 16, 2008 12:07 am Post subject: |
|
|
| Great! You actually put this on here kels! As I've already read this when you printed it our for me at school (remember the printer incident! lol) and I've told you a MILLION times how good it is, I guess I'll just have to tell you again! WONDERFUL WORK! |
_________________
-Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart-
~William Wordsworth
-We are like the wilted petals of a poisoned rose. To grow, we made our flower bloom. But to end, we had to have our blossom die. "Us" is no more-
~Me |
|
| Back to top |
|
Snoink
Snuggly
Writer of Legend
Gender:
Age: 20
Joined: 02 Apr 2005
Posts: 8428
Reviews: 2104
Country: USA
455 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Mar 17, 2008 6:42 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Psh!
If you've finished it, it's time to put it in manuscript format! This means, always double space after the sentences, put it in a monotype font (I like Courier), underline all the italic words, make all the ellipses into three periods, make all the dashes into two hyphens.
There's more but... I've done this chapter for you. Most of it. I probably missed a couple of things. |
_________________
Leopluridon '08: He Will Show Us The Way! |
|
| Back to top |
|
Wolf
ςђเคг๏รςยг๏
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 25 Oct 2007
Posts: 1381
Reviews: 567
Country: Wherever my imagination takes me
300 Points
|
| Posted: Wed Mar 19, 2008 10:29 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Hey KJ!
I promised I'd critique this, but I haven't started to yet. Homework (not to mention the pile of reviews-to-do I have) has me pretty bogged down for now, but I'll try to get around to it some time this week. *bookmarks*
Cheers,
Camille xx |
_________________
" My books are water; those of the great geniuses are wine. (Fortunately) Everybody drinks water. "
- Mark Twain (1835-1910)
♥ Got YWS? The user formerly known as: Ayra Help much appreciated! |
|
| Back to top |
|
deavarna_satina
Writer
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 01 Apr 2008
Posts: 79
Reviews: 53
Country: I come from the land down unda!
300 Points
|
| Posted: Wed Apr 02, 2008 10:53 am Post subject: |
|
|
Wow. That was... a truely great read! Your expression and description were fantastic and I particularly like the way you captured the repressed emotions of Rachel. Also loved you character Amy, she seems like she will have a very interesting role in the tale.
A little editing to do, I did pick out some errors but they looked like mostly typos and I see that you have already had some editors so I wont pick it over again.
I really am itching to know of this future Rachel threw away and why her past haunts her every step. Let me know when chapter 2 is available! |
_________________
The problem with falling for the enemy is that you can't take them anywhere ~ a Titleless Tale |
|
| Back to top |
|
oneeyedunicornhunter
Senior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 15
Joined: 21 Mar 2008
Posts: 172
Reviews: 87
464 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Apr 03, 2008 2:18 am Post subject: |
|
|
hmmm yep yep that murder definitely sounds like a vampire! 
EDIT: yeah, i didn't actually say much there...i'm afraid mummy wouldn't let me stay up too long, so i was a tad short on time 
anyway...it did drag on a bit, but that's not uncommon for first chapters. i found myself getting more into it as it went along, especially once the thing about Ann Samuels cropped up. before it seemed like Rachel wasn't very concerned about them(them being the murders). so basically you really got me interested right when it was over xD
also, i wasn't too fond of the first person present tense. when a story is as long as this one, you may be able to get away with one or the other(first person OR present tense) but both...?
then again, maybe i'm just being stingy. Sorry if that's the case. |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
mindoverflow812
Novice
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 11 Oct 2007
Posts: 12
Reviews: 6
300 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Apr 04, 2008 2:24 am Post subject: |
|
|
Can I have more? That was really good. It's very hard to find a good story in present tense, but you handle it very nicely. It's a very interesting story. I like it, especially because I enjoy historical fiction most myself. My novel is historical fiction. The sci-fi is my remedy for writers block! I am having TERRIBLE writers block. Any suggestions?
Anyway (oops) great story. Please post more. It's just like a real book, minus some minor errors, but that's no biggie. |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
kitty15
Your friendly neighbourhood kitten
Epic Novelist
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 15 May 2007
Posts: 4978
Reviews: 1319
Country: England
300 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Apr 24, 2008 6:29 pm Post subject: |
|
|
This is a good start, I think. It’s a little lacking in character and scene description so your atmosphere isn’t as strong as it could be and you need to be careful occasionally that you don’t use terms that are too modern but it’s generally well written. You’ve got some excellent dialogue and I love the characters; they have great personalities.
I've written some more specific, detailed comments but it's not letting me upload the file so I'm going to pm it to you, let me know if it doesn't come through. Hope it helps,
Heather xx |
_________________
Lest hope corrupt your foolish heart,
quick cast her out and let depart
the acrid whims of angel's wings
which clutch at twisted puppet strings. |
|
| Back to top |
|
Jeni
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 16 Nov 2007
Posts: 45
Reviews: 38
Country: U.S
300 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Apr 24, 2008 9:15 pm Post subject: |
|
|
I think it was really great. There were only a few problems that I came across. One was punctuation. Somewhere in there after a short sentence, (about 15-20 words long), you forgot a period. I think it was i the middle. Next are two sentences that I found a problem in:
"But Mr. Garret and Miss Nathanial are also are good friends"
(You need to take out one of the are, or take out an are and the also.)
“ 'That was your sister, was it?' "
(I don't know the problem with this sentence, but something isn't right. I think if you replace "was" with wasn't, that would be better.)
The last thing was the length. I don't know if it was just me, (and my ability of slow reading), but it was really long. Maybe you should make it two different chapters, because it took me just over an hour to read.
Other than that, I thought it was great.-Jeni
P.S- Since it took me so long to read, I will have to read chapter 2 and 3 later. But don't worry, I will read them. |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
JFW1415
Team SPEW
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 07 Jun 2007
Posts: 1251
Reviews: 353
Country: USA
425 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Apr 26, 2008 1:47 am Post subject: |
|
|
| The promised review! ;P |
_________________
Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth. -Oscar Wilde
Join the CIA.
In response to hearing my new story idea: "Aunt April": Oookaaay. You are one sick little puppy aren't you? |
|
| Back to top |
|
enzoguy15
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 15 May 2008
Posts: 33
Reviews: 0
Country: USA
300 Points
|
| Posted: Fri May 16, 2008 6:24 pm Post subject: |
|
|
I think it was really great. There were only a few problems that I came across. One was punctuation. Somewhere in there after a short sentence, (about 15-20 words long), you forgot a period. I think it was i the middle. Next are two sentences that I found a problem in:
"But Mr. Garret and Miss Nathanial are also are good friends"
(You need to take out one of the are, or take out an are and the also.)
“ 'That was your sister, was it?' "
(I don't know the problem with this sentence, but something isn't right. I think if you replace "was" with wasn't, that would be better.)
The last thing was the length. I don't know if it was just me, (and my ability of slow reading), but it was really long. Maybe you should make it two different chapters, because it took me just over an hour to read.
Other than that, I thought it was great.-Jeni
P.S- Since it took me so long to read, I will have to read chapter 2 and 3 later. But don't worry, I will read them. |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
Esmé
consider rephrasing
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 27 Dec 2006
Posts: 1219
Reviews: 462
603 Points
|
| Posted: Sat May 24, 2008 2:11 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Well, I edited the first chapters. All comments and/or impressions are included in the attachments, so you can just go on and read that instead of this. Cheers!
Or no. I just opened it. The comments are gone. Ugh.
EDIT: I copied and pasted them. Not pretty at all, but will have to do. |
_________________
"I don't like small birds. They hop around so merrily outside my window, looking so innocent. But I know that secretly, they're watching my every move and plotting to beat me over the head with a large steel pipe and take my shoe."
-Jack Handy |
|
| Back to top |
|
CK Lynn
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 18 Jan 2007
Posts: 335
Reviews: 211
Country: United States
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sat May 31, 2008 7:36 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| I liked this. It could go a bit faster, though, cut out the unnessecary discription. |
_________________
"Isn't chortled a funny word?"
"You're odd, Beckony."
"Not as odd as chortled." |
|
| Back to top |
|
JFW1415
Team SPEW
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 07 Jun 2007
Posts: 1251
Reviews: 353
Country: USA
425 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Jun 05, 2008 3:13 pm Post subject: |
|
|
I'm finally done!
First off, I'm really sorry about the wait. Life's been crazy lately. Chapter Six will be critiqued next, though - don't worry!
Only one main problem with this, besides the million little comments I made: the length. If this were a book, I'd put it down. Why don't you split it at one of the *****'s? The rest of your chapters are shorter, and this just seems to drag on, ruining the amazing-ness it possesses.
Oh, and my comments are strange this time. I only put in five the normal way - the rest are just in a different color. (My critiques constantly change, sorry!)
Yeah...that's basically it. I went really in-depth in the critique, but this is the revised version and doesn't really need many overall things.
PM me for anything at all!
~JFW1415 |
_________________
Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth. -Oscar Wilde
Join the CIA.
In response to hearing my new story idea: "Aunt April": Oookaaay. You are one sick little puppy aren't you? |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
niccy_v
Writer
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 20 Jun 2008
Posts: 73
Reviews: 36
Country: Australia
300 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Jul 18, 2008 2:18 am Post subject: |
|
|
First of all, i agree from above, if this was a book, i'd have put it down long ago.
It drags on far too long and could easily be chopped into shorter chapters. Although i managed to get through it, and it's probably the best chapter 1 of a book i have ever read. Description is amazing, and you've just thrown this chapter together so well!
One thing i found was it was very very choppy. Sentances are far too short in most of the first 5 pages, so i tried linking a few together to make it flow better. Dosn't need to be taken into account but as a critiquer i hate reading stories with so many short lines all over the place.
Good job with the characterisation. I can imaging and see her doing the things; your writing brings the characters to life. You have gotten way into your story though and dragged it along way too much, so if you revised it and sped things up a little readers can stay with you for longer.
Not be cruel but most will probably begin to skip pages or just put it down.
I can't wait for the next chapters though. Good work overall. |
_________________
Nichola. xoxo
Last edited by niccy_v on Fri Jul 18, 2008 2:25 am; edited 1 time in total |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
