Sureal
(i are RITER!!!)
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 Posted: Thu Apr 24, 2008 1:20 am Post subject: The Broken -- Chapter Two |
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(Chapter One here)
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Author Notes: The soldiers's bizarre way of talking has been retconned. It was one of the more commonly pointed out problems with Chapter One. I've also toned down the descriptions a bit.
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The Broken
-- Chapter Two.
It turned out that the base wasn’t too far away. The two soldiers marched Leo at gunpoint for a little over ten minutes before they arrived at their destination. On the way he had tried, to no avail, to reason with his captors. Apart from curt orders, they said little to him. One of them walked behind Leo, gun pointed at his back, whilst the other marched in front. As they had just set off, the one leading had used his free hands to radio ahead, letting his gun hang by its strap only. ‘Lieutenant-Colonel Haart,’ the soldier had said, ‘this is Private Hayden. Castell and I have found another one.’ He had paused as the Lieutenant-Colonel replied. ‘Yes sir, we’ll meet you at the gate.’ Another pause. ‘If the guards try anything? … yes sir, we’ll be prepared.’
Leo had wanted to ask for the soldiers to explain what he’d overheard, but he doubted he’d get an answer. What did they mean by ‘another one’? Was Leo not the first person they had found? And what might the guards try, and why would they have to be prepared for it?
Did he mean there might be a fight?
From that point on apprehension had grown in his chest with every step, squeezing his lungs and heart without mercy. He had hoped that the soldiers would be able to help him, not march him into the middle of a fire-fight!
And before long, they had arrived.
The trees thinned out until eventually they stopped altogether. The military base came into view, piece by piece. Despite everything, Leo was disappointed: it wasn’t as impressive as he’d secretly hoped it’d be. A line of low, barbwire topped metal fences ran around the compound, which was little more than a collection of worn looking buildings. They approached a gap in the fence. To either side of it grew a pair of mini-towers, upon each of which sat a guard manning a mounted gun. Leo looked up at them, remembering the radio conversation he’d overheard. His limbs ached to do something - to run, perhaps. He forced himself to remain still. Stood there naked and shivering and completely unarmed, Leo couldn’t look away from the gun towers.
‘Who is this boy?’ said a new voice from ground level.
‘We found him in Section Eight B,’ said the voice of one of Leo’s captors.
Leo looked away from the silent men upon the guard towers and down towards the first voice that had spoke. It was another soldier, although he was dressed different from the others. Most notably, rather than wearing a helmet he wore a hat, identifying him as an Officer. He was stood in front of the gate, and was - as far as Leo could tell - unarmed. Not that he needed a gun with the two towers there to do any required shooting for him.
‘Hey,’ said Leo. He forced himself to sound cheerful and carefree. If he appeared calm then perhaps he would feel so too; at least, that was what he hoped. ‘My name’s Leo Thornton.’
‘What was he doing in Section Eight B?’ The Officer asked.
‘You mean the woods?’ Leo said. ‘I woke up there naked. No idea what happened.’
‘He claims to have woken up there, sir,’ said the guard. ‘Naked, sir.’
The Officer sighed. ‘And why have you brought him here?’
There was a pause. Leo glanced behind himself at his two captors and noted the uneasy look they shared.
‘Sir, it’s because we think he may be-’ one of them began.
The Officer held up a hand, cutting them off. ‘You’re the Lieutenant-Colonel’s men, right?’
Another pause.
‘Yes sir, we are.’
The Officer sighed again. ‘Then we may have a problem.’
Leo looked from the Officer to his captors and back again. ‘Problem?’ He laughed weakly. The noise sounded unconvincing even to his own ears. ‘That won’t involve guns and shooting, will it?’ He looked up at the towers again. It was a strange fear that he was feeling - not exactly a fear of being shot, but more a restless urge to do something.
Perhaps to run?
He glanced behind himself again; there wasn’t really anywhere to flee too. He’d be shot down before he got more than a few feet.
Perhaps to fight?
But unarmed and naked as he was, he couldn’t imagine anyway in which he could possibly win.
(But there was always his captors’s weapons. They were nearby and wouldn’t suspect a sudden attack from him - if he could find a way to steal a gun from one of them then he’d have something to fight back with. Perhaps-)
As Leo planned his mock battle the constriction in his chest eased. He knew the plan was absolute rubbish, that there was no way in hell it could possibly work, but having something to occupy his mind apparently helped to calm him down.
The soldiers ignored him.
‘We have permission from the Lieutenant-Colonel himself, sir,’ said one of Leo’s captors. ‘And he’ll be here in only a moment or two to escort us to his office. If you don’t let us through now, you’ll let us through then, sir. Don’t put yourself in that position.’
The Officer hesitated for a moment, then said to the men on the gun towers, ‘Fine, let the bastards through.’ The gate behind him raised.
‘Come on then, buddy,’ said one of Leo’s captors. ‘We’re off to meet the Lieutenant-Colonel.’
Leo asked, ‘He anything like a wizard?’
‘Not really.’ The soldier frowned. ‘Should he be?’
‘You don’t? - I mean: “we’re off to meet the wizard”, and - y’know…’ Leo’s speech trailed away at the bemused expression on the soldier’s face. He regrouped. ‘Y’know what? Forget it. Bad joke.’ |
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The Broken.
-- Chapter One
-- Chapter Two |
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scasha
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| Posted: Thu May 08, 2008 2:53 pm Post subject: Re: The Broken -- Chapter Two |
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| Quote: |
| It turned out that the base wasn’t too far away. The two soldiers marched Leo at gunpoint for a little over ten minutes before they arrived at their destination. On the way he had tried, to no avail, to reason with his captors. Apart from curt orders, they said little to him. One of them walked behind Leo, gun pointed at his back, whilst the other marched in front. As they had just set off, the one leading had used his free hands to radio ahead, letting his gun hang by its strap only. ‘Lieutenant-Colonel Haart,’ the soldier had said, ‘this is Private Hayden. Castell and I have found another one.’ He had paused as the Lieutenant-Colonel replied. ‘Yes sir, we’ll meet you at the gate.’ Another pause. ‘If the guards try anything? … yes sir, we’ll be prepared.’ |
-- i like the description and everything. One suggestions: You are telling and then you're showing. It's kind of confusing. What I mean by that is you don't show the readers any dialogue that takes place between leo and the soldiers. Maybe leo falls and they get angry at him. Then at the end you start showing so either all show or all tell in this paragraph 
| Quote: |
| And before long, they had arrived. |
-- instead say Leo tried to push his anxiety out of his mind trying to keep up with the soldiers face pace. Before long they had arrived
Great job! I really liked this! and i enjoyed the description! Even though I haven't read the first chapter I thought this was pretty intense. Just a few suggestions:
1) Cut down on adverbs
2) Always show don't tell. It engages the reader more, allows them to become a part of your world
3) You mention that he's unarmed quite a bit. I think the readers know that he doesn't have a weapon the first time you say it so I would avoir repeating it because it takes away from the piece.
Other than that Keep up the good work! |
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"Fou et tellement evidente, que je n'trouve plus de sens. A ce jeu excitant. Si bon mais si lassant. Tu aime me manipuler. Et J'en aime faire autant. Nous sommes tout deux victime. De ce doux jeu d'amants." -- Ce Jeu par Yelle |
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ChernobyllyInclined
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| Posted: Thu May 08, 2008 10:49 pm Post subject: |
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I read the first chapter a week ago but didn't review it because you already had a thousand reviews and I didn't have any. I was being arbitrary in a jealous way.
Anyway, I must say I like this. The story is intriguing - not too ridiculous and not too cliche. Its amusing but not just silly. Its amnesiotic in a pleasing way but not too obscurely memory-less.
Regardless of all that, I would say the characters needed a minuscule amount of help. I feel like I need to know Leo a little better to acquire sympathy. What does he look like? Is he frightened or is he afraid of nothing? Does he imagine that this is quite an interesting adventure or does he like sitting in his room staring at the ceiling? I think if you answered a few of these questions Leo would be a more vivid character.
Also, I think the surroundings could be described a little more. Trees, soldiers, sky, air, random bird, flower, rock. Not too much description, of course, but a little more than you have.
All in all, I liked it. I will be terribly happy when the next chapter is released. PM me or burn. |
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"Truth is sacred; and if you tell the truth too often nobody will believe it." |
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