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Dreamer
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 Posted: Wed Apr 23, 2008 8:22 pm Post subject: First Kiss |
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In the dimly lit restaurant, the candles on the table give off more light than the chandelier. When the waitress comes in and asks if they would like dessert, he dismisses her with a wave of his hand. “No, but thank you.” he says.
He turns to face Sam, the girl sitting across from him. At sixteen, he seems so much more mature to her. He is handsome, his face perfectly made. His eyebrows, his cheeks, everything was perfect, flawless. She’s considered the smart one, not the pretty one. He has a car as well as the right to drive it. She is still studying for the test. And he’s a year older. He’s kissed lots of girls, in all probability. She had never been kissed by any other than her family. What was he thinking of her, she wonders. Is she a cheap ticket, or does he not care about how he out shines her? Would he have said yes to a date otherwise? She shifts nervously under his soft stare. With a knowing smile on her face, the waitress turns her back and slips silently away, not interrupting them further.
He leans forward slightly, tentatively, the candle flame’s reflection dancing in his eyes. Brown and intense, they seem to bore right into her, guarded slightly by the thick pile of jet-black hair that hangs above them. They invite her, and she leans forward enough to match him. He smiles and leans closer, thinking of nothing but her.
She hesitates for a moment, but leans closer until she could feel his breath. Would it be slobbery? Dry? Soft and electric? Gentle and intimate? They lean closer, their lips a hair’s breadth away from each other. She closes her eyes. Would it be like instant hunger, a need for more? Would they be able to stop themselves if it was? How powerful would the need for more be? Was it true that you couldn’t breathe during a kiss, a real kiss? His hand slowly touches her cheek, beginning to close the distance between them.
He starts licking her face, great, long, slobbery laps. She jerks back instantly, shoving him away. “What are you doing?” she demands, shocked and disgusted. He doesn’t respond, but starts licking her face again.
Sam pushed her dog off of her with a groan. To be honest, she really didn’t have a problem with Sandy’s wake-up methods. It was just in moments like these when she despised them. She heard a thump as Sandy fell off the bed. Not at all phased by her fall, Sandy jumped back up to thoroughly bathe Sam’s face in dog slobber.
“Knock it off. See? Speaking. I’m up.” Sandy continued to fill her ear with slime. "Go get food," Sam said, flinging her hand in the general direction of the door.
At the mention of ‘food’ Sandy was off, claws clapping down on the hard wood floor as she raced to the kitchen. Sam threw her head in her pillow, cursing it for the interruption of her dream. |
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Last edited by Dreamer on Fri Apr 25, 2008 12:06 am; edited 3 times in total |
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KJ
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| Posted: Wed Apr 23, 2008 8:49 pm Post subject: |
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Hey. I don't have much time, but I wanted to comment.
This was okay. Not bad, but not astounding either. It was an interesting beginning. Mind you, there was nothing eye-catching about it - many stories begin in a dream sequence - but you've made it work decently. I didn't like how it was all "he would" and "she would". Just make it BE.
I didn't notice any errors. You were missing a space at the very end in there. And perhaps you should add more? It might give us more to comment on, and give us more of an idea on who your MC is, and what her life is like.
Pretty well-written. Keep writing. |
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TL G-Wooster
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| Posted: Wed Apr 23, 2008 9:07 pm Post subject: |
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Lol, very funny. Is this just a oneshot thing, or are you continuing? I think it's fine as it is, imho.
The only things I had trouble with was,
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The waitress would come in and ask if they would like dessert. He would reply,
“No, but thank you.” |
Should be:
The waitress would come in and ask if they would like dessert. He would reply, “No, but thank you.”
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| And with a flick of his wrist and a wave of his hand, he would dismiss the waitress, turning to face her, the girl sitting across from him. |
Turning = and turn?
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| They would be brown and intense, with a thick pile of jet-black hair hanging above them. |
That about the hair reminds me of that monkey in Tarzan. 
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| They would be inviting to her, and she would lean forward enough to match him. |
Awkward. I'm not totally sure what to put instead. >.<
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| And when Sandy continued to fill her ear with slime, “Go get food.” She said, flinging her hand in the general direction of the door. |
It's best to avoid sentences that start with "and" unless you can't avoid it. This sentence could be structured to flow better.
Sandy continued to fill her ear with slime. "Go get food," she said, flinging her hand in the general direction of the door.
--
That aside, it was very good!  |
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Black Cat Sachiko
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| Posted: Wed Apr 23, 2008 9:15 pm Post subject: |
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Hey, Dreamer-chan! Pretty nice work here. ^_^
Now, onto the crit! Not that there's much I can say.
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| She would be the smart one, the lengthy one with curls, the young one who still checked what she said in the presence of those around her. The never-been-kissed one. |
Love that last line, but before that, I think you should maybe cut on some of the detail. Like, maybe:
She would be the smart one, the curly haired one, the young one.
Or something along those lines.
And I have to admit that there was some confusion over who Sandy was. @_@ I thought he was a guy for a moment. But, then I saw the next sentence, and all was revealed. One little thing might be to replace 'mutt' with something else? Like, 'animal' ' 'canine' 'dog'. Or something. ^_^ You're decision completely.
On the all, very nice. It kept my interest pretty well, and I look forward to seeing more!
Sachiko |
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Dreamer
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| Posted: Wed Apr 23, 2008 9:17 pm Post subject: |
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KJ -- thanks for the comments. I agree with the 'would be' being annoying, I just didn't know how else to show that this was what she was planning the future to be like.
TGL -- lol, yar, I was trying to go for cheesy in the dream part. Perhaps I should exaggerate it a bit to make it more obvious? Or should I cut the effort and just write it normally, without the cheese?
Chiko -- Thanks, I shall work on making Sandy a dog, not a man. *salutes* Thanks for the crit. |
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Church
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| Posted: Wed Apr 23, 2008 9:23 pm Post subject: |
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| I sort of got eh impression at the beginingthat the boy was the MC. I didn't see any grammer errors that havent already been mentioned. I did like the atmoshpere you set in the beginning |
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Talking_Pinata
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| Posted: Wed Apr 23, 2008 9:42 pm Post subject: |
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| Haha! That was amazingly captivating! I didn't even blink to quit reading until it was a dream! Good work, and keep writing. |
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JFW1415
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| Posted: Wed Apr 23, 2008 11:18 pm Post subject: |
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Hello! Your piece is short and I'm procrastinating, so here you go! The numbers next to the highlighted parts correspond with the numbered comments below.
Highlighted Comments
1. I personally hate that you begin with ‘it.’ I suggest that you talk about how all girls dream of their first kiss, and how she had many fantasizes of hers, and then begin. (Or something less corny. ;P)
2. I’d delete this.
3. It means the same thing (and sounds like magic…) Also, this sounds rude, when he was polite in the last sentence.
4. I’d put how she was acting here. Shaking, blushing, etc. Then start a new paragraph and start with ‘she would be fifteen…’
5. Too many. Cut back a bit.
6. Odd. You’re talking about hair, but it doesn’t make sense. I’d delete this.
7. Odd. Maybe ‘watched?’
8. I’d move the order of this. I’d say ‘…he would dismiss the waitress. [Then this sentence.] He turned to face her, his eyes warm (or some other description.)’ Make sense? So that you tell us what the waiter did before we forget about her.
9. Suggestion: ‘Brown and intense, they seemed to bore right into her, guarded slightly by the thick pile of jet-black hair that hung above them.’ Just to stop the ‘They would…’ sentences.
10. This could be shown better.
11. I began altering this, but I gave up. See the overall comments for comments on your tenses. Also, she’s in the diner – I doubt she’ll go much further while there. Maybe say ‘will he bring her to his place?’ Something like that.
12. I would expand a bit more. At first I thought this was when she woke up, because I was ignoring the italics.
13. This sounds a bit odd. Maybe ‘Sandy continued to fill her ear with slime.’
Overall Comments
I think I could really love this, but as it is, I really don’t. This idea is great, the characters believable (except the guy, but he’s supposed to be too good to be true.) The disappointment she feels when she is woken could be expanded more. Same with the licking – show us what it looks like. At first I thought it was the dog, but if I have a visual to go along with the telling, it will be wonderful.
Now, the thing that turned me off from this piece: the tense. This is a dream, and the regular part is present tense. You’re not describing what would happen; you’re describing what IS happening in the dream. I would just write in first person, ditching all of the ‘would.’ It would make the piece MUCH stronger, and I think I would really enjoy it.
Only other thing is detail. I already pointed out some parts that really needed it, and then add it wherever else you want.
*Thumbs up* Great piece, bad tense choice.
PM me for anything! (Questions, boredom, more critiques wanted, etc.)
Oh: watch your spacing. It's not consistent here. 
~JFW1415 |
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SimonCowellLuver
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| Posted: Wed Apr 23, 2008 11:51 pm Post subject: |
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Hey Dreamer I did it I read it and it was great. I really enjoyed the beginning making both look shy and the description in the story was amazing. Couldn't be better. I just was confused why some of it was in italics and the other part was not.
Well if you need anything feel free to PM me anytime ok.
Have a good day ^_^
SimonCowellLuver/SCL |
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| Posted: Wed Apr 23, 2008 11:59 pm Post subject: |
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Cute! I LOVED it. I have to admit I did think "What the F?" when he started to lick the girls face. Lol. I liked how it was a dream. You're a very descriptive writer. Someting I've always tried to be but have failed miserably at. .
One thing though, you started out with "It would be," and then you switched tenses and said "She hesitated for a moment." That sort of stuff bugs me, when people switch tenses.
Good though. . |
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Crysi
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| Posted: Thu Apr 24, 2008 12:15 am Post subject: |
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So, I was directed here from your blog, and I have to say you did a great job! I remember my first kiss, and the nervousness and the rush of thoughts.
This has to be quick because I have class in a little bit, but I thought it was a creative "cheat" and worked well.
On a side note, my name's Sam and I used to have a dog named Sandy. Go figure. |
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Dreamer
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| Posted: Thu Apr 24, 2008 9:09 am Post subject: |
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| Okay, changed it up and fixed most of the things mentioned. Any better? |
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Vernon
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| Posted: Thu Apr 24, 2008 3:48 pm Post subject: |
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This was pretty good, but you're consistent use of personal pronoun makes this peice too slow paced. My advice is to practice and read dream sequences. It seems that's your main problem. It was very funny. just you use she and he too much. Overall: It made me smile but if you got rid of the so many he's and she's. You've had a superb peice. Sorry this is so short.
Good luck
VSN |
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OverEasy
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| Posted: Thu Apr 24, 2008 7:58 pm Post subject: |
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Since most of the nitpicking was taken care of I shall not repeat any of it. I found this very funny, I was worried when I started reading the first bit. All I could think was, oh great nerdy girl gets the guy blah blah blah, but the turn around at the end was great. I loved the humor, and Sandy is a great addition.
Keep it up!
OverEasy |
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JabberHut
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| Posted: Thu Apr 24, 2008 8:38 pm Post subject: |
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Hello! Here upon request and desire! 
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| “No, but thank you. [comma instead]” he says. |
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His eyebrows, his cheeks, [dash instead] everything was perfect, unflawed flawless. |
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| He turns to face Sam, the girl sitting across from him. At sixteen, he seems so much more mature to her. He is handsome, his face perfectly made. His eyebrows, his cheeks, everything was perfect, unflawed. She’s considered the smart one, not the pretty one. He has a car as well as the right to drive it. She is still studying for the test. And he’s a year older. He’s kissed lots of girls, in all probability. She had never been kissed by any other than her family. What was he thinking of her, she wonders. Is she a cheap ticket, or does he not care about how he out shines her? Would he have said yes to a date otherwise? She shifts nervously under his soft stare. With a knowing smile on her face, the waitress turns her back and slips silently away, not interrupting them further. |
The beginning of this, really, but the paragraph doesn't sound very organized. It's one fact about him, then one fact about her, but those facts aren't related at all. Like a compare/contrast paragraph. It can probably be better worded so the facts don't sound as random as they are. It's so hard to explain, but I was confused switching subjects.
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| She hesitates for a moment, [no comma] but leans closer until she could feel his breath. |
To have a comma in front of the conjunctive but, there must be two independent clauses -- one on each side of the conjunctive.
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| He starts licking her face, [dash instead] great, long, slobbery laps. |
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| He doesn’t respond, [no comma] but starts licking her face again. |
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At the mention of ‘food,’ [no quotes] Sandy was off, claws clapping down on the hard wood hardwood floor as she raced to the kitchen. Sam threw her head in her pillow, cursing it [the pillow?] for the interruption of her dream. |
Haha! That was really good! I loved it. You described everything so well, and the thoughts were well-written. I felt like I was there, like I was Sam. It was marvelous, and how you transitioned from the dream to reality was impressive. This is really good, and I have no other comments to make.
Bravo! Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only! |
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