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Only Boxes
Only Boxes

by JFW1415 in Narrative Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Action/Adventure Fiction

This thread was created on April 13, 2008
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Accidental Felony Goto page 1, 2  Next
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PostPosted: Sun Apr 13, 2008 7:32 pm    Post subject: Accidental Felony Reply with quote

Accidental Felony

I stared into the deep orange flames of the vast bonfire, my thoughts wandering freely, the heat of the inferno scolding my face. Letting out a sigh I turned away and took a few steps towards the gathering crowd, the sudden change in temperate sending chills down my spine. The challenge that was going down tonight had been Tyler’s idea; he figured it would be fun to humiliate Eric under the mocking eyes of our entire grade.

Personally I wasn’t so keen on the whole concept.

A second bonfire blazed behind the pack of teenagers that stood, shifting their weight from foot to foot, craning their necks to see the two boys in the centre of the circle of people. Anxious for the battle to begin. Eric was going to take a beating, and everyone knew it. I assumed that over half the teenagers present were thanking god that it wasn't them about to get beaten, glad they could stand there, carefree, and watch someone else being transformed into a human punching bag.

Hypocritical assholes, they were. Of course, I was here too, on the eternally windy beach where small grains of airborne sand fired at any unexposed skin. The difference was that I hadn’t been given much of a choice. After all, it was my boyfriend who was enjoying all the cheering and whistling from the crowd. He was about to punch his way into the memoir of our school year under the title 'Jock versus nerd'.

Earlier that day, at Townsend High school, Eric had walked into Tyler in the hallway. Although he claimed it hadn’t been on purpose, it had pissed Tyler off, and he had shoved the boy out of his way. When Eric retaliated, pushing right back, Tyler suggested taking it to the beach later that evening. As the words left his mouth my heart had sunk.

No one wanted to miss it, especially because Eric wasn’t anybody’s favorite. He was considered weird, for he barely talked in class, spent his lunch hours in the library, and got straight A’s. Nothing wrong with being smart, though, it was his eternal silence and isolation that earned him a place at the top of the Most Hated list. I’d spoken with him on previous occasions, and knew he was a kind, caring guy. Unfortunately for him not many people could see that, and he was frequently called names or mocked by our classmates.

High school life, either you're in, or you're on the sideline.

I had, rather reluctantly, made my way to the beach this evening, only showing up because Tyler, my boyfriend, had asked me to. I loved him, or at least I thought I did, but once a while I’d see a side of him that scared me. I was afraid to tell him to leave Eric alone. I didn’t expect him to lash out at me, or anything like that, I was afraid to lose him. When he wasn’t in a mood he was so sweet and kind. His bright smile made me feel… warm, even if we were standing outside in the freezing cold. It was just that rare occasion when he felt he had to prove his worth that it seemed as though a second personality surfaced.

I pushed through the crowd, making my way to the inner circle, and waved at Tyler, asking him to come over to me. He stepped towards me, his hands immediately slipping around my waist as we kissed. His face centimeters from mine he smiled ‘I knew you’d show up’

I smiled back, my heart doing cartwheels and my stomach seemingly infested with fluttering butterflies. He kissed me again, his lips soft against mine, then pulled away and turned to Eric.

‘You can still back out’ Tyler grinned, his tone sarcastic. The crowd laughed as Erics’ face coloured a deep shade of red. He glanced around, not saying a word. If he backed out now he would be mocked until the day he graduated, I thought, if he didn’t back out… he’d be Tyler’s punching bag for the next twenty minutes.

‘What were you thinking, eh? When you pushed me?’ Tyler mocked, moving closer to the boy, who was obviously uncomfortable.

‘You pushed me first’ Eric answered back, shaky. Tyler’s eyes traveled over the faces in the crowd as he laughed ‘Well, you were in my way’

The crowd went crazy, cheering Tyler on, enjoying the way the “weirdo” was being owned. I bit my lip, wishing he’d stop, wishing he’d let Eric go and be the Tyler I knew. The kind, funny and friendly Tyler.

The Tyler I was in love with.

‘You think you’re so tough, eh Eric? Think you can handle me? Then go ahead and punch me. One good punch. Go for it’ Tyler held his hands behind his back and leaned forward, exposing his unprotected face to Eric, who was clenching and unclenching his fists unsurely. It was clear that Tyler hadn't a doubt that Eric wouldn't dare initiate the fight.

Everyone waited, the muttering inaudibly all around me, as we watched Eric make up his mind. He lifted his balled fist, setting his jaw, holding the pose for nearly a minute before dropping his arms by his side. He let his shoulders hang, defeated.

‘Hm. Thought so’ Tyler smirked, his eyes shining with amusement ‘Think that’ll save you, eh? Think I won’t kick your ass if you don’t punch me? All it does is prove what a wuss you are, Eric. Are you proud?'

He grabbed Erics shirt and pulled him closer, holding his fist up threateningly ‘You ready, assface?’

‘Let me go, Tyler, you win, okay? I give up!’ Eric tried to free himself from Tylers strong grip, struggling wildly. I think he’d realized he wasn’t going to walk away without at least one black eye.

‘I don’t think so, Eric’ Tyler’s fist landed in his opponent’s abdomen, and he released him as he tumbled to his knees in the sand, coughing. Kicking him over Tyler shouted ‘That’s what you get if you mess with me, bitch!’

I felt tears spring into my eyes. I’d seen him beat people before, but never like this, never someone so… incapable of fighting back. Never someone who said he gave up.

‘Watch him now, eh? The mighty Eric, crying in the sand like a baby’ someone shouted from the crowd, every word dripping with sarcasm. Tyler grinned ‘Well said, guys, well said’

Tyler looked down at the boy in the sand, then yanked him to his feet, bringing their faces close together ‘Fight me, asshole, or I’ll remodel your fucking face’

Eric whimpered, standing on his toes, held up by Tylers two-handed grip on the collar of his shirt. The boy fell still for a moment, then raised his fist and slammed it into his opponents face.

The crowd backed away as Tyler's expression shifted, blood running down his chin from his nose unstopped, as though he couldn’t quite believe that Eric had the guts to actually hit him. Once the initial surprise passed Tyler leapt forward, throwing one arm around his rivals neck, beating him with the other.

I gasped, watching my boyfriend smash his fists into Eric, the boys' face a mask of terror and pain. A second passed before I stepped forward, screaming ‘Stop it! Stop!’

Tyler didn’t take any notice of me, and I shouted at the top of my lungs ‘Tyler! Stop it!'

Someone spun me around, and I was surprised to find one of Tyler’s friends, Seth, grabbing hold of my shoulders. He shook his head ‘Don’t try to stop him, Alecia, the queer deserves it’ I could hear the struggle continuing behind me, Eric’s distressed moans reaching my ears, and pushed Seth away with all my might ‘Are you fucking mad?’

‘Do-not-push-me’ Seth growled, clenching his fists. I widened my eyes. None of Tyler’s friends had ever raised their voices to me, they were in the habit of treating me with certain… respect. They knew they’d have Tyler to answer to if I complained, and obviously didn’t fancy that prospect.

I felt panic rise, then ran my hands through my hair, the throng of people dispersing as Tyler and Eric violently thrust around in all directions.

This was the kind of uncontrolable situation I always wished I could avoid.

Out of the blue I heard an enraged shout, and looked away from the fighting boys, finding Jeremy, Eric’s older brother, dashing towards the struggle. When had he gotten here?

He fiercely began to beat Tyler away from his brother, sparking an immediate reaction from the members of the football team that were present. Seth, accompanied by four others, dived into the fight to aid their team captain, knocking me down in their hurry to get there.

Five against two....

And I'd assumed it was out of hand earlier?

I sat on my hands and knees in the sand, tears of anger and frustration streaming down my cheeks as I once again screamed his name.

I scrambled out of the path of the many fists and feet that were now violently pounding flesh, and made a run for it, wanting to get as far away as possible from the scuffle. They’d beat someone to death if they weren’t careful.

Running as fast as I could I cried, my vision blurry from tears. Pressing the palms of my hands against my ears in an attempt to block out the sound. My blood pounded in my head as I ran, wishing I hadn’t come, wishing that Eric hadn’t come. No in-school humiliation could be worse than being taken down by five members of the team Tyler led.

It wasn't the fight I couldn't handle, per se, it was the overwhelming unequal teams that bothered me most. What happens when five athletic boys, used to bashing their way across football fields, take on two studious peers who spend lunchtime in the library. I assumed neither Jeremy nor Eric had ever thrown a punch before today,

When I reached the high-rising rocks at the shoreline I climbed up and sat down on the cold stone, resting my elbows on my knees, my head in my hands, panting.

I was meant to be brought home by Tyler and his older brother Craig, and my cell phone was in my bag, by the bonfire.

I cursed. Why the hell did I forget it there? That act of mindlessness meant I’d have to wait it out, I guess.

I didn’t move, listening to the yelling in the distance until finally the beach fell silent. For a split second I exhaled in relief, then someone, a girl, screamed. This time I could hear her exact words.

My throat felt thick as fear flooded through my entire body, and I stumbled off the rocks, scraping my leg as I clambered down. Sprinting back to the site of the out-of-hand beating my mind raced. I must’ve heard it wrong. I must’ve misunderstood. It couldn’t be…

Many people were screaming now, and I questioned the sanity of running towards the scene rather than in the opposite direction. But Tyler was there…

It was clear someone had gotten hurt, and badly, as well. No teenager would scream in terror like that at a few scrapes and bruises on a group of fighting guys.

Seth caught me mid-run, and I was knocked to the floor for the second time in one night. I cursed at him, trying to free myself from his strong grip ‘LET-ME-GO!’ I shouted at him, kicking him as hard as I could. He released me, panting ‘Don’t look, Al, it’s… he…’

‘Where’s Tyler?’

‘Al..’

Where is Tyler?’ my throat went raw from shrieking at the top of my lungs, and I breathed heavily, watching Seth’s expression turn panicked as he stared at a point behind me. I shoved him away from me and turned, lying on my stomach in the sand.

Eric was crumpled in the middle of a mess of disturbed sand, at several meters distance, motionless. Blood and sand covered his face and hands, and I could tell that he wasn’t breathing.

Then something dawned on me... There was another body right behind him.

I scrambled forward, ignoring Seth’s shouts. I had to see who it was. When I reached them I resisted the urge to throw up, feeling my stomach turn as I stared down at the two brothers. I turned away from them and vomited into the sand.

The brothers, Eric and Jeremy Gulter, were dead.

‘Al!’ Seth hauled me to me feet, supporting my weight as my knees buckled. My head spun, dizziness and nausea taking me over as I gagged again. All of a sudden more sets of hands were holding me up, carrying me away from the dead students as everything around my vision dimished, and I sunk into a wonderfully silent darkness.

‘AL! Alecia! Wake up!’ someone shook me, and I groaned, drifting into consciousness ‘Fuck off’ I mumbled, feeling sick. Whoever was shaking me stopped, and now whispered ‘You awake? Alecia?’

I slowly opened my eyes, discovering that a face hovered directly over mine. I turned my head to the side, coughing as smoke from the smoldering bonfire stung my lungs.

‘Thank god!’

I recognized Tyler’s voice now, and sat up shakily, leaning on my elbows as my eyes began to tear from the thick smoke that hung around us.

‘What the hell happened?’

He straitened up, wiping the sand off his knees, and extended a hand, offering to help me up. I reached up and accepted it, his palm warm and familiar against mine, and told myself that it hadn’t been Tyler who’d killed them.

It couldn’t have been.

‘I love you’ he said, pulling me up from the sandy ground, into a warm embrace ‘I was worried. Seth told me you just… passed out or something’

I wanted to push him away, demand an explanation about Jeremy and Eric, yell at him for being so stupid. But I didn’t. I swung my arms around him, leaning my head against his neck, feeling safe in his embrace. Tears stopped flowing down my cheeks, and I dried my eyes on his t-shirt, hiding away in his wonderful scent.

‘I’m alright. Just shock… I guess’

‘Did you see them?’ he whispered it into my ear, sending chills down my spine and making me shake, goosebumps appearing on my skin. I couldn’t stand it when people talked into my ears from so close by.

‘Yea’ I admitted, and felt his arms leave me. Suddenly cold I zipped up my jacket, watching him silently.

‘Uhm… Craig’s gonna be here in five minutes… we’ll drop you off at home’

‘What?’ I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. They’d killed two people, the six of them. Two brothers. And now they were pretending it hadn’t happened?

‘What about Eric and Jeremy?’

He shrugged ‘Well… they’ll be found? I guess?’ he was looking down at his shoes, and for the first time in my life I saw that the football captain was feeling uncomfortable ‘I can’t go to jail for this, Al, we didn’t mean to kill them… it just… we were fighting and then suddenly they didn’t move, didn’t breathe…’

My body seemed to be frozen, it felt as though I couldn’t control my limbs anymore. I could only stare at him. At Tyler. Stare at the face of the boy I loved and see the monster that lived underneath. He didn’t occur to be all that upset, despite the fact that he’d just… murdered two people.

Only sociopaths did that.

‘Al…’ he started, lifting his pleading eyes to my face as his arm slipped around my waist. My heart somersaulted again. Love made things so complicated. How could I ever forget this? How could I be expected to want to forget this?

‘Please understand’ he begged, moving closer to me, his breath warm on my skin ‘Please, babe, please

I was speechless. He had to be kidding.

'No, Tyler, I can't' I pressed my palms against his chest, my heart breaking as pushing him away, then made eye contact and whispered 'I can't be with a murderer'


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Last edited by XxxDo on Sat May 31, 2008 10:54 pm; edited 3 times in total
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PostPosted: Sun Apr 13, 2008 8:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

wow! THAT IS REALLY GOOD! Exclamation Exclamation Exclamation Very Happy
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PostPosted: Sun Apr 13, 2008 8:38 pm    Post subject: lol Reply with quote

Thanks WriterAddict Very Happy Those words are always fun to hear !!

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PostPosted: Sun Apr 13, 2008 8:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oh my gosh that's awesome!

I haven't been that engrossed in a story in soo long.

'but once a while' (7.2) - Should this be 'once in a while' or 'once a while ago'?

I love the way you've built up to the climax and still managed to cool things off at the end. The lack of final decision from the protragonist gives me the chills almost as much as the whole story does.

There's isn't much I can find wrong with it, so nice work Smile keep it up.
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PostPosted: Sun Apr 13, 2008 11:09 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This was an amazing story! You left me at a major cliffhanger. PLEASE write more!

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PostPosted: Mon Apr 14, 2008 3:02 pm    Post subject: lol Reply with quote

Thanks you guys !!! Your comments made my day !!
Very Happy

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PostPosted: Tue Apr 15, 2008 4:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

WOW! This is amazing. I was completely and utterly hooked. I want to know what happens next! Very very well done. This is better than many published stories - in my opinion. Loved it. Very Happy
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PostPosted: Tue Apr 15, 2008 5:43 pm    Post subject: lol Reply with quote

Very Happy !! Thanks guys !

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PostPosted: Thu Apr 17, 2008 3:18 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

    First of all, it was a very intriguing and dark story. I really enjoyed it. It was almost hard to read, in a good way, and I have to say I felt a a bit disgusted with the protagonist for taking it, well, lightly, considering the circumstances.

    I would have liked to see more of Eric's phsysical reaction to the confrontation. And I thought that you might have been able to explain the prior events in a way that was less 'telling' and more 'showing'. You might have been able to achieve this through dialouge and other means.

    Over-all, the theme and your ideas were quite vivid and entrancing.

    __Christy

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PostPosted: Wed Apr 23, 2008 8:17 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks for the advice !!

I'm going to work on showing instead of telling =D
Also I'll work on Eric's reactions, guess I was too preoccupied with how Alecia felt about Tyler and him fighting to delve into detail concering Eric. Thanks for pointing it out Very Happy

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PostPosted: Sat Apr 26, 2008 6:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm back, again! Wink You asked me for more critiques a while ago, and I'm finally on April vacation week, so I should be able to do a lot. Smile

First, you need to rate this 'R.' You use f*ck in it, and have lot's of swears.

Second, I've decided that this is too long. It is about eight pages when to put here, plus what I've put in as comments. So I'm putting it as a file attachment. If you don't like this, PM me and I can put the actual critique here, but it's looong, and will take me a long time.

So just click download. It doesn't actually download anything, it just opens it as a new tab/window. Then you can double click on a number next to my highlighted parts, or hover over them, to see my comments.

PM me with any questions on this. I just didn't want to spend another twenty minutes putting this up, when I've already taken 1 1/2 hours. O.o

This is what they do in Advanced Critiques. It's safe, but I understand that some people don't trust it, so just PM me for anything, okay? I'll just take a while to post it if you don't want to use the file attachment.

~JFW1415


Accidental Felony.doc
 Description:
Here it is! Hope it helps.

Download
 Filename:  Accidental Felony.doc
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PostPosted: Sun Apr 27, 2008 11:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I liked how you used so much emotion to explain the characters actions. You didn't just say the girl came because the plot wanted her to, you made her want to for her own reasons. That's always a great thing.
This story gave me goose bumps! It was thrilling yet oddly demented. Still, it was good.

One thing you should fix is that you used apostrophes instead of quotation marks.

Also you can work on developing the other characters--Eric, his brother (why was he letting Eric get beat up in the first place?), Seth, etc.

All in all, not much to complain about!

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PostPosted: Mon Apr 28, 2008 12:19 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I will be the one to point out that you always use ' ' in stead of " for quotes.
It is very annoying and hard to understand if your making emphasis or talking.
Please use quotes.
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PostPosted: Mon Apr 28, 2008 7:27 pm    Post subject: Thanks for comments :D Reply with quote

On nearly all my works I get the comments about apostrophies, but it's simply the way I write XD so I'm not really planning on changing it. I just prefer to use ' ' instead of " ".
Very Happy
Some publshed authors do it too, you know, such as Kathy Reichs (one of my favs Cool ), Tom Clancy, Malorie Blackman and Val McDermid, and all are pretty damn successful despite their misuse of apostrophies.
Thank you for all the comments though, I realize some people don't like the fact that i use apostrophies, but in the end I'd rather stick with it.

JF, thank you so much !! LOL you're spending way to much time on me. It's perfect with the file attachment, don't waste your time uploading it for 20 minutes, it sounds like you've spent a lot of time already !!
Thanks again !!



XxxDo

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PostPosted: Mon Apr 28, 2008 8:08 pm    Post subject: Re: Thanks for comments :D Reply with quote

XxxDo wrote:
On nearly all my works I get the comments about apostrophies, but it's simply the way I write XD so I'm not really planning on changing it. I just prefer to use ' ' instead of " ".
Very Happy
Some publshed authors do it too, you know, such as Kathy Reichs (one of my favs Cool ), Tom Clancy, Malorie Blackman and Val McDermid, and all are pretty damn successful despite their misuse of apostrophies.
Thank you for all the comments though, I realize some people don't like the fact that i use apostrophies, but in the end I'd rather stick with it.

JF, thank you so much !! LOL you're spending way to much time on me. It's perfect with the file attachment, don't waste your time uploading it for 20 minutes, it sounds like you've spent a lot of time already !!
Thanks again !!



XxxDo


No problem!

But still, it's hard to tell what's being said with apostrophes. Like here *Tries to come up with a good example*:

'The book.'

(Eh, bad example.) There are no tags (someone said, etc.) They could be saying the words 'the book,' or they could be talking about a specific book, like I did right over there. *Points*

Eh, you're the writer, but it'll still bother me. Wink

~JFW1415

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