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OnCeUpOnAtIm3Xo
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 Posted: Fri Mar 14, 2008 12:00 am Post subject: Nevermind |
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~DELETED~
(another version was made of this right here ) |
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Last edited by OnCeUpOnAtIm3Xo on Thu Jun 19, 2008 3:20 am; edited 8 times in total |
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KJ
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| Posted: Fri Mar 14, 2008 1:44 pm Post subject: |
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Since this takes place in present-day (at least that was the impression I got from the woman with the folder and the fluorescent lights), the whole coin-thing with the guards seemed out of place. Where does this even take place?
And it also seemed just too convenient for a hole to be in the fence when the boy needed it. A prison would probably be more careful with their walls and fences, and usually they're patrols pacing by them.
But otherwise, I found the two guards slightly funny, and I was glad the boy was able to escape. But why was the boy in the prison in the first place? How did he cause that hole in the wall? Of course, you are most likely planning to give us all this info in the next part, but just be sure to cover it all.
This was pretty well-written. Be watching for more. |
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OnCeUpOnAtIm3Xo
Wants a fairy tale ending (:
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| Posted: Fri Mar 14, 2008 7:35 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks 
In chapter one ( http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic26410.html ) I started to explain that it was an Empire and so there are a few differences - but not many, because I'm not good at historical fiction and it's easier to relate to their lives this way.
You're right about the hole in the fence, I knew that it seemed too weak, I changed that at this paragraph:
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| Panic ripped through him and he searched for a way out. Seeing nothing, he searched himself and his spirits rose as he felt his most prized posession, still secure in the tangles of his long hair. He grabbed it out and smiled. His plastic spoon! He dug at the dirt beside the fence with it, desperately trying to make a hole. When he found the spoon to be insufficient, he used his hands, digging like a dog with it's paws. The dogs hunting him were coming closer, but he finally had made a small hole under the fence. He wiggled his way through it. But, there was a loud RRRIPPP, his pantleg was caught in the wire above the hole. He tugged desperately at his torn pants. The dogs were close enough now for him to hear their steady breathing. With one last tug, his pants came free. |
For the people that wanted to read the old version of that paragraph:
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| Panic ripped through him and he searched for a way out. His spirits rose as he spotted a small hole in the fence a few feet away. He ran to the hole and wiggled his way through it. There was a loud RRRIPPP, his pantleg was caught in the wire. He tugged desperately at his torn pants. The dogs were close enough now for him to hear their steady breathing. With one last tug, his pants came free. |
As to why the boy was actually in prison, you get a little taste of it in Ch. 1 but I don't say everything yet.
I'm not exactly sure yet how he got the hole in the wall... oh wait! I think I have an idea! (I'll have to explain that later)
Thanks so much!
-Onceuponatim3xo |
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vet4life13
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| Posted: Thu Apr 17, 2008 5:13 pm Post subject: |
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Hey!
I liked this version of the prologue a lot more than the first version. You really gave the guards a lot more character and background. PM me when you post more!! |
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thunder_dude7
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| Posted: Mon Apr 21, 2008 11:43 pm Post subject: |
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I enjoyed this. I, too, thought that it was more of a medievil time period because of the coin thing. Condsider changing that.
One other thing: The actual escape. You gave the image that the dogs were feet behind him, yet he somehow had time to dig a hole beneath the fence before they ran those few feet. Not very realistic.
Other then that, I really liked this. I didn't get much of a relationship towards any characters, but I did have a strange liking towards the guards. They seemed very human. THat's an issue I struggle with. In the future, be sure to build a strong relationship between the reader and the escapee. |
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mikedb1492
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| Posted: Mon Apr 21, 2008 11:48 pm Post subject: |
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First off, much better than your previous version. I liked the descriptions and especially enjoyed how you dealt with making the escape more suspenseful. Now lets get started.
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“Haha, yes.” The guard slapped down his playing cards on the cheap plastic table. “I win. You owe me one gold coin.”
“What?! A gold coin! I’ve only got twenty-six silver coins and fourteen bronze. Besides, that’s more than I make in a month!” The other guard protested. |
I don't like what you used as money. It just sounds weird when they say gold coin, silver coin, and bronze coin. I just don't think a country would name their money that.
Also, the first part where it says, haha, yes. I win. You owe me one gold coin. This doesn't sound that extreme and doesn't leave the devastating impression. I'd raise the number of them, and besides, the idea that one coin costing more than one man's monthly salary sounds weird.
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| “Stupid light,” Gearson said. The woman glanced up at the light, then dismissed it by walking away. |
I don't like the repetition of the word light. Rephrase the last part as "The woman glanced up at it, then..."
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| “I’ll forget about the gold coin,” Johnson tempted. |
Why would he give up something worth more than a month's salary just for some company as he delivers the food? It's a down right stupid proposition.
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| Never had he been able to go outside during his time spent at the prison and... |
The word 'spent' is unnecessary and disrupts the flow of the sentence. So get rid of it.
Overall you did much better than your previous attempt at this chapter. The only problem I had other than the stuff above was that you had trouble here and there with fluency, but not to an extreme. Just read through your work and wherever you get caught up by your words, review it until its right. |
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mikedb1492
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| Posted: Mon Apr 21, 2008 11:48 pm Post subject: |
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| sorry. double post. |
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Last edited by mikedb1492 on Tue Apr 22, 2008 2:05 am; edited 1 time in total |
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Sela Locke
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| Posted: Tue Apr 22, 2008 12:41 am Post subject: Oooh... |
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| “Yeah… but it’s just, it’s just, it’s too boring. I mean, where’s the thrill? Where’s the action?” |
This, first, stuck out to me. I pictured it being more like this:
"Yeah, but it's just... just... too boring! I mean, where's the thrill? The action?"
Well, I don't really see the newly edited part, and I doubt a prison like that would simply have a barbed wire fence. It's just... not realistic. I doubt the emperor is stupid enough to put him in such an insecure jail. Maybe find a different way for him to escape?
Best of luck,
-Sela |
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OnCeUpOnAtIm3Xo
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| Posted: Tue Jun 03, 2008 8:02 pm Post subject: |
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| okay, so I edited the whole coin thing, hopefully this works out better. |
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Lady of Fire
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| Posted: Tue Jun 03, 2008 8:27 pm Post subject: |
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This was really good but i'm a little confused about this one part:
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| He turned to the dogs who were coming closer and closer. They bound toward him with eagerness in their eyes. They would’ve seemed almost like puppies; happy to see their owner. But, they barked and howled viciously, excited to get at the boy. |
the dogs still sound a bit like puppies. try to discribe them so that it is clear why they scare Macnair. Other than that, it was really good! |
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Last edited by Lady of Fire on Mon Jun 09, 2008 7:44 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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OnCeUpOnAtIm3Xo
Wants a fairy tale ending (:
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| Posted: Tue Jun 03, 2008 8:42 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks,
I'll probably tweak it a little more, but for now will this do?
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| He turned to the dogs who were coming closer and closer. They bounded toward him with eagerness in their eyes. Their lips pulled back to show their menacing fangs. They barked and howled viciously, excited to get at the boy. |
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Senri
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| Posted: Wed Jun 04, 2008 12:03 am Post subject: |
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Hi OnCeUpOnAtIm3Xo, my name is Senri and I'm a new member here. I read your story and liked it, so I decided to give it a crit if you don't mind.
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To tell you the truth, I really don't have that many problems with this prologue. THe begining is decent, and the character dialogue is pretty good. Although, I think the scene when the guards find out that the prisoner escaped is a little too animated(Like when they scream "Impossible" at the same time.)
Your description techniques of the mood and sceneries was flawless. However, I had a problem with how the prisoner got through the fence. It seemed really corny and unrealistic, even for a fiction story. The plastic spoon thing makes the prisoner seem like a real idiot. I don't know why he would think to dig a hole with that thing; if he was smart enough to get out of the prison, he should be smart enough to get through a fence. I'm not trying to bash you for that scene or anything, afterall, it was a bit funny. 
It's obvious that the reader won't get to know the prisoner too well, since this is only a prologue. But I look forward to learning more about his personality.
Rating for overall plot: 8/10
Rating for characters: 7/10
Rating for other literary elements: 9/10  |
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Iya Ythmir
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| Posted: Wed Jun 04, 2008 2:56 am Post subject: |
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I haven't read the first version of your prologue...  So, I can't say much and what I did want to say has already been pointed out by the others.
And I have to agree with Senri. The part wherein the prisoner was digging with his hands on the ground seemed totally unrealistic. I tried doing it one time, with gloves, it took me "almost" forever. And it was a really small hole, only enough for one of my puppies (don't ask what I was going to do but I wasn't going to bury them, rest assured). I don't think the prisoner could've done it ion such a short expanse of time; dogs were running towards him, and from the previous paragraphs, they seemed pretty close - almost catching up to him. Unless, of course, the prisoner has some sort of skill or special strength, but then, if he does have it, I wouldn't know it until Chapter One or the succeeding Chapters. (Having said that, this somehow seems like an irrelevant post  )
I loved the part with the spoon though. A comic relief. And it's tangled in his hair!
Anyways, nice job. |
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OnCeUpOnAtIm3Xo
Wants a fairy tale ending (:
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| Posted: Wed Jun 04, 2008 6:58 pm Post subject: |
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Thank you so much for critting
I'm probably going to make a new way for him to escape (any suggestions?? ) But, I can't really think of anything at the moment...
Also, Senri:
Welcome to YWS, if you have any questions about the website feel free to PM me  |
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Senri
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| Posted: Wed Jun 04, 2008 11:27 pm Post subject: |
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| Thank you, I'll be sure to remember that. |
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