Topic ID: 29191
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NewWriter
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 Posted: Mon Apr 21, 2008 11:41 pm Post subject: [currently untitled] |
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**something I wrote in English one day when I was bored. I'm pretty sure there's no punctuation missing.**
I am sometimes fact, often not
sometimes truth mixed with myth
I live on when those who
gave me birth are gone
I am Paul Bunyan and Babe the Blue Ox,
Davy Crockett and Annie Oakley,
Johnny Appleseed
I am the stories told around the fire,
when the children ought to be in bed
I am an explanation of the Great Lakes,
the Grand Canyon, why the birch has stripes,
and the quaking of the aspen
I am the inspiration for
many a painting,
many a film,
many a song
I provide the opportunity to build castles in the air,
whether you are a child or an adult;
to imagine what the world could have been like
if...
tall tales were true
I am a child of the marriage between
Truth and Fantasy
I will exist as long as
there are storytellers and storylisteners
I am glorious
I am eternal
I am Legend
Thoughts? It isn't really intended to have a rhythm, more of a free verse sort of thing, so rhythm comments will henceforth probably be ignored. |
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Last edited by NewWriter on Wed Aug 13, 2008 5:09 am; edited 2 times in total |
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Ailam Remard
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| Posted: Tue Apr 22, 2008 1:32 am Post subject: |
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| Waz that posed to be about the movie I Am Legand? It was good but that sorta ripped off the title, for you, cuz people might read it expecting something else. |
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NewWriter
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| Posted: Fri Apr 25, 2008 1:19 am Post subject: |
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| I said it had nothing to do with the movie in the subtitle. |
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98% of teenagers do or have tried smoking pot. If you're one of the 2% who hasn't, copy & paste this in your signature.
Trying to get to heaven without Jesus is like climbing to the summit of Mount Everest naked. You die before it happens. |
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RandomGrrl
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| Posted: Fri Apr 25, 2008 2:06 am Post subject: |
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| I liked this, the idea behind it, however, I would request a little more rhythm. If it isn't meant to have rhythm, then, hey, way to go for stepping outside the box. I love that you have "I am" at the beginning of everything. Nice work! |
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Kalliope
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| Posted: Tue May 06, 2008 1:39 pm Post subject: |
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Hey New Writer!
Don't be upset if you don't get so many critiques. You can always ask for some help in the Will review for food section or in the chat room. Plus critiquing other peoples works yourself will help you, 'cause a lot of members are willing to look at your work if you give them a good feedback. Plus, hey I'm reviewing 
I liked the general idea of this. Having you define legend throughout your poem is a really cute idea. I do have a few issues though:
Title
Using the same title as a famous other work, as you have noticed, causes confusion. Plus in this case it kind of gives away what your poem is about. Let the reader find out himself instead of giving it away by using the last line for the title. Makes it much more exciting for the reader.
Rythm
This is my biggest concern about this piece. In some places you seem to have a little bit of a meter, but then you just break out of it and it doesn't flow.
To fix this read your poem aloud and mark the places where you stumble or the flow doesn't sound right. Then think of a way to make it work. Does a line need to be longer, shorter? If you can't do it by yourself have someone else read it aloud and ask the person about it.
I think you could make your poem work quite nicely.
Don't get disheartened if your work gets turned down. We all can improve and I'd say every published writer has been turned down sometime. Just keep trying 
All the best,
~Kalliope |
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J.C. Belding
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| Posted: Thu May 08, 2008 2:57 am Post subject: |
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| I liked your ideas, and your title, but it could have been written in a more rythmic and poetic way. Using rhymes would work nicely, for example. On a good note; I liked your last staza. You should definetly keep it. This probably has a good chance of getting in your school newspaper as is, but with a few edits, it's a definite. Good luck! |
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NewWriter
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| Posted: Wed Aug 13, 2008 5:11 am Post subject: |
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| **bump** |
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98% of teenagers do or have tried smoking pot. If you're one of the 2% who hasn't, copy & paste this in your signature.
Trying to get to heaven without Jesus is like climbing to the summit of Mount Everest naked. You die before it happens. |
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Dark Star
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| Posted: Sun Aug 17, 2008 10:07 pm Post subject: |
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very interesting...i really enjoyed it. it was fresh, different and unique. it gave a feeling of mystery and confusion but at the same time a feeling of perpose and knowing of ones self...understanding.
i hope this makes sense...lol...pm me for questions!!
<3 dARK STAR |
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Matt Bellamy
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| Posted: Sun Aug 31, 2008 2:52 pm Post subject: |
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Sorry this is so late, I know you posted in my review thread ages ago and I've been neglecting my critiquing a lot lately, but here we go!
Firstly, I don't really like the repetition here:
I am the inspiration for
many a painting,
many a film,
many a song
and personally would change it to something like:
I am the inspiration for
many a painting, film, and song
or something like that. Also, I would change this:
if...
tall tales were true
to
if tall tales were true
I don't really like ellipses in poems, but that's just me. I like this stanza:
I am a child of the marriage between
Truth and Fantasy
Very nice. Overall, I like the topic, it's something original, and it's well written. Keep writing, let me know if you want any more critiques, I'll try to be a lot quicker next time! |
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Samantha Thiele
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| Posted: Fri Sep 05, 2008 4:24 am Post subject: |
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The point is clear....And I'm actually glad it doesn't ryme. I can't stress how bothersome it is when people asume because it's a poem it has to ryme. (Cruse mother goose...)
Any ways I want you to ignore the comment on repeated words....Not that their help isn't useful, it just doesn't fit. There are times when writing a poem reapting words helps add to the read. To drill a point into the readers thoughts. Personally it made me think more of the point of the poem. Very nice, the other comment would be useful if the reapt of words were to be tedous, but in this case they aren't. Not to mark down anyone elses help.
This poem has a very good poem and if one were to reread it enough they'd understand hoe deep it is. NICE WORK. |
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