Topic ID: 22588
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Passion's Killing Floor
Writer

 Gender:  Age: 18 Joined: 08 Feb 2008 Posts: 60 Reviews: 7 Country: USA Points
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Posted: Sun Mar 02, 2008 2:01 am Post subject: |
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4/10
Doesn't really capture my interest and sounds overly complicated.
Something I want to write based off a dream I had.:
A something like love story that takes place in modern times about a plain, not God-like, vampire and ballerina from the Victorian era that were seperated then somehow reunite through a strange run of events. |
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MidnightVampire
Lauren did it! Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 13 Joined: 08 Dec 2007 Posts: 473 Reviews: 139 Country: lost in my book Points
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Posted: Sun Mar 02, 2008 11:07 pm Post subject: |
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7/10
I do like this idea, and it has potential, the reason it's not hiegher (and maybe I incorrectly rated this) is because it's one of those ideas, that if it isn't written correctly, the entire story would be ruined. That's all, otherwise I loved it!
There is a girl who's parents were both murdered when she was 10.(Her name is Shay), and she was forced to go to many foster homes and (I forgot what they're called... o well), everywhere she goes, she feels like someone is watching her. It turns out (as she is told by a gost, Kate, and a bat, Sven,) that she is being hunted down for something that her mother gave her long ago. Something that is worth her life. |
_________________ I'll sleep in December
Icon from: http://community.livejournal.com/nano_icons/57768.html#cutid1 |
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Sumi H. Inkblot
can divide by zero Epic Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 14 Joined: 27 Feb 2007 Posts: 2995 Reviews: 268 Country: Mu Points
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Posted: Sun Mar 02, 2008 11:25 pm Post subject: |
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1/5 ... it seems to be very anime-influenced, and kind of childish? If I saw that kind of plot-summary on the back of a book, I wouldn't read it. If you got rid of the ghost and the bat, it might sound sturdier, but they just sound like comedic relief now.
The elder brother holds a grudge against his junior, who heard the love of his life's dying words on the battlefield. They come together on the eve of her twenty-second death anniversary to end the hate or rip the scars afresh. |
_________________ Capitolism is the uneven distribution of wealth.
Socialism is the even distribution of poverty. |
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RoryLegend
what the fetch Speaker of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 16 Joined: 22 Dec 2007 Posts: 912 Reviews: 64 Country: England Points
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Posted: Sat Mar 22, 2008 8:43 pm Post subject: |
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4/10
I kind of don't get it, and don't see the point behind it. Maybe if you expanded a bit more on the idea.
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A salem witch is on the run to avoid being burned at the stake. She comes across many others who are either there to help or to hurt. She has to decide who to trust and who to turn into a frog.
not very well thought through sorry..all i got though |
_________________ Youth is wasted on the young...
<3 |
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lyrical_sunshine
δυναμις Master of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 18 Joined: 11 Sep 2007 Posts: 1315 Reviews: 203 Country: YOUR FACE!!! *bursts out laughing* Points
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Posted: Fri Apr 18, 2008 3:23 pm Post subject: |
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4/10
it has potential, but the frog thing...? I don't know lol.
In a world where human beings are bred for beauty and intelligence, love is nonexistant. Marriage is arranged for convenience and for the potential offspring the couple will produce. In this world, children born to "defective" parents are killed before their third year. In this world, 16-year-old Dax, freckled and undersized and skinny, somehow survived.
In a world where your hair and your eyes sell to the highest bidder, 16-year-old Serenity is bored. She is well-bred, refined, and intelligent, but she is bored. She doesn't want a marriage of convenience. She doesn't want an education. She just wants to continue living her self-absorbed life and forget the rest of the world.
But perfection can never last forever. It has to be shaken up and marred before it can be real... |
_________________ "I am their lawyer, and THIS is my necktie!"
~iCarly
"Stories are light. Light is precious in a world so dark. Begin at the beginning. Make some light." ~Kate DiCamillo |
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thunder_dude7
I am pure AWESOMNESS!!!111one Master of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 13 Joined: 06 Oct 2007 Posts: 1796 Reviews: 40 Country: That one on the left... Points
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Posted: Mon Apr 21, 2008 12:24 am Post subject: |
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8/10
It sounds very interesting and unique. The only thing that I didn't like was that you had these two seperate stories, but they show no signs of linking.
Chris is an archer who hunts and steals from farms to get by. He also goes bounty hunting with a friend of his to buy food for his wife, who refuses to let their son, who is 14, eat stolen food or eat it herself. However, one day, his friend is caught when returning to a man he was bounty hunting for. He is sentenced to be hung.
When Chris learns of this, he decides to set out for the fort where his friend is being kept and break him out. When he begins to leave, however, his son demands to come with him. His son had been taking classes in using a sword, and managed to steal one from a guard. Chris is hesitant, but agrees to sneak him out so he can come with him.
When they go to break Chris' friend out, things spin out of control. Chris discovers that his father is there as well. When he stops to break him out, they are captured. Chris is sentenced to be hung, and his son is told that he will never become a knight, his dream. Chris' wife is furious, and refuses to let him leave the house for a month as punishment. Chris, however, almost immidiately begins planning to break Chris and his friend out before they can be killed. |
_________________ A good friend offers for you to come under their umbrella.
A best friend makes you run for cover, screaming, "Run, loser, run!" |
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Samantha Eliza
Senior Writer

 Gender:  Age: 16 Joined: 11 Jan 2008 Posts: 112 Reviews: 25 Country: United States Points
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Posted: Mon Apr 21, 2008 1:24 am Post subject: |
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4/10. It has potential, but I was kind of bored even as I read your summary.
Riley is an unusual girl. In a kingdom where women usually cook and sew, she wants to become a blacksmith and refuses to wear women's clothing. She is also a Truthseer (a seer, basically), and ever since she Saw her father's death, the last one that she knows of. She's deathly afraid of her power and of the rain, which when it falls in her eyes causes her to see things she'd rather not know about.
One day, when fleeing from an oncoming rainstorm, she trips over a wounded young man and eventually helps him back to her house, where her sister helps him get back to health. She decides to travel with him to the king's city, Roria, in order to learn her trade more, but along the way they are captured by a rogue band called the Aza's.
The young man, who she has been falling in love with, betrays her to the leader of the Aza's, his father, who has been trying to kill the Truths eer line since he murdered her father. Eventually, the young man helps her and she kills his father with a sword through the chest. |
_________________ "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
-Dr. Seuss |
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Fan
Tea please...... Speaker of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 16 Joined: 28 Jan 2007 Posts: 596 Reviews: 159 Country: Britain. Yep, that thing that sits on top of Europe Points
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Posted: Mon Apr 21, 2008 10:43 am Post subject: |
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7/10
It looks good, and there is a slight variation in the fact that it's a girl non-comformist for once (I know that has been done before though). However, there are the small cliches like the wounded person who becomes the catalyst to the main character leaving their place for some reason.
Crack (other fiction) :
Crack is a story of descent into drug addiction and abuse by a group of friends. It mainly focus' on one character, Alex, who finds unexpected help in the form of Ellie, the new girl in class and a devout believer of God. The first half explores the first time he takes cocain and how a community tragedy forces him and others into taking more. The second half deals with Ellie's help and the effect it has on his life, ending with her death as she takes E ,which has been disguised as somethig else by a drunk Alex and friends. Her death serves as a wakeup call and a short epilogue deals with what happened afterwards (including some suicides). Definitely a gritty tale not for younger audiences. |
_________________ "A short journey completed is better than a long journey started but never finished."
Was Fantasyartist, changed to Fan. Now comes four syllables shorter! |
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Heidigirl666
Praise the FSM and His noodly appendage Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 20 Joined: 25 Feb 2008 Posts: 461 Reviews: 53 Country: Switzerland Points
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Posted: Mon Apr 21, 2008 4:42 pm Post subject: |
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7/10
I don't know, sounds a bit cliched (as in good person reforms bad etc) but the ending sounds surprising and it certainly sounds gritty so it could have potential. The idea of so many deaths sounds a little over the top.
Jamie, an HIV positive graphic designer with an over-fondness for cigarettes and marajuana, and Pete, a repressed, straight-talking scotsman, are a gay couple living in suburbia with Jamie's two year old son Alex. The story focuses mainly on Pete struggling to balance both the love and jealousy he feels for his partners son; then when Jamie's health begins to decline, and he dies suddenly, Pete is left not only left to cope with the grief of losing his partner and a custody battle for Alex, but with the challenge of accepting and raising the child as his own. |
_________________ Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them. There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher. ~Flannery O'Connor |
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Gahks
Tsar of the Subjunctive Speaker of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 16 Joined: 25 Jan 2008 Posts: 788 Reviews: 126 Country: Wherever I happen to be. Points
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Posted: Mon Apr 21, 2008 10:21 pm Post subject: |
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At first I thought this sounded hackneyed, but the child custody issue is definitely a winner. 7/10
Tentative titles for this are Infernal Knowledge or Trust. Whichever works better.
Kate Maxwell's got it all: she's getting married to a handsome young man, her dad's a rich media tycoon and she's loving life. A life that's brutally cut short when she is suddenly murdered in a blitz attack. The killers burn her house to wipe out all trace of her existence - but these are no ordinary murderers. They are the Maxwells' most hated enemies: two of their own kind, whose secret love affair has torn the family apart. Now on the run, they try to desperately escape from the inevitable fate that will seal all of their destinies. |
_________________ "Don't bother just to be better than your contemporaries or predecessors. Try to be better than yourself." William Faulkner.
Check out my music site: www.finetune.com/user/gahks
My site: www.freewebs.com/bethywriters |
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Jamie_rocks
Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 13 Joined: 27 Apr 2008 Posts: 353 Reviews: 47 Country: America Points
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Posted: Sat May 03, 2008 4:40 am Post subject: |
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9/10 sounds very interesting, makes me want to read the story.
Mine is kind of strange, it's my first crack at writing a love story. (I'm not exactly the romantic type) so it probably won't be that good, I just wanted to see. I don't have the title for it yet.
Basically, Kacie Patterson is a pretty woman in her early twenties struggling with limited funds. She has great friends though, and recently she has begun to feel a little something more for Ritchard Calhoun. One day, she finds out he has been transferred, and him and his little brother Pete move. They stay in contact though, and Kacie finally gets p the nerve and eMails him a love letter. The response what not what she had hoped for though. Shortly after, word that Ritchard has been transferred back forces her to up and move without telling anyone, unable to bear facing him again. Her life spirals downward as she gets into drug use and moves from job to job. Finally, she plans to kill herself and writes a suicide note to everyone back "home." I don't know exactly what happens after that, except Ritchard finds Kacie before she bring herself to commit suicide, and it is revealed that it had been Pete that wrote the return eMail. Ritchard actually felt the same, Happily Ever After, etc., etc.
Yeah it's ot very good, I told you I'm not romantic. |
_________________ If life hands you lemons, make grape juice and let everyone wonder how you did it.
If you need a review, PM me or check out my topic in the "Will review for food" forum.  |
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LoveableLittleSock
There is no guarantee I won't tear it apart... Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 14 Joined: 02 Jan 2008 Posts: 470 Reviews: 157 Country: United States of America Points
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Posted: Tue May 06, 2008 4:34 pm Post subject: |
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Aw!! That is so cute! You should go after that plot. It's pretty romantic, so don't bash your self-esteem. If I had to rate it from 1 - 10, it would be a definite 7.
Mine's a little... eh. Takes place in the 16th century and centers around a girl named Amber. The daughter of a highly-respected count, her village gets raided while she's at the local pub and becomes hostage on a ship of pirates. Her two friends attempt to save her and fail miserably, forcing to work on the ship. So yes, she's on the ship and her and her friends fight from time to time. That's really all I have.. I need help. |
_________________ Writing is far from just a hobby. It's a passion.
Need an utterly fabulous Critique that's absolutely free? |
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Icaruss
Disgustingly Honest. Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 17 Joined: 14 Sep 2005 Posts: 478 Reviews: 112 Country: Peru. Points
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Posted: Sun May 11, 2008 6:15 am Post subject: |
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Hmm. It looks like a set-up for a sitcom. In my cynical world, she would've been raped and killed. Then her friends would've been killed. Maybe raped? I give it a six because it sounds fun, even if it is a bit simplistic.
OK. So... I had an idea for a detective story about a teenager who leaves her house. Her parents take the case to this investigator, who finds out she was living with this dealer/pimp who occassionally beats her women. He assumes the pimp killed her. He kills pimp. Now, I'm thinking to write this story in Spanish, have it set in Peru (where I live), have the investigator be this ignorant, good for nothing, fifty year old taxi driver who usually just takes pictures of people cheating on their wives, has three friends, one of which is a criminal whom he occasionally robs his passangers with. His wife has left him, and lives with his little kid, while he crashes at his sister's, who hates him and wants him out. When the case comes, he does it out for the money. He also kills the pimp for the money, rather than, you know, vigilantism. All this while struggling with having to fix his car, having to reconcile with his wife, and having to do something than actually matters, other than driving people from place to place, and destroying relationships with pictures. |
_________________ All you little girls, settin' out that line,
I can make love to you, woman, in five seconds time.
Ain't that a man? |
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Gahks
Tsar of the Subjunctive Speaker of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 16 Joined: 25 Jan 2008 Posts: 788 Reviews: 126 Country: Wherever I happen to be. Points
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Posted: Mon May 12, 2008 9:24 am Post subject: |
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In Spanish?! Aren't you limiting your audience somewhat?
3/10 - Some good character ideas, but lacks plot and substance. However, I have to say the setting is original.
Not as full as my last one, but here we go:
In the near future, a teenager's murder uncovers scientific controversies and a shocking corporate conspiracy relating to his true identity - an identity that his parents will stop at nothing to cover up. |
_________________ "Don't bother just to be better than your contemporaries or predecessors. Try to be better than yourself." William Faulkner.
Check out my music site: www.finetune.com/user/gahks
My site: www.freewebs.com/bethywriters |
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Cold And Broken Halleluja
Writer

 Gender:  Age: 14 Joined: 07 Apr 2007 Posts: 72 Reviews: 19 Country: YWS Forums Points
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Posted: Sat May 24, 2008 1:32 am Post subject: |
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7/10 -Sounds interesting and original. I'm not really sure if I would love it, personally. But, sounds cool for people who like mystery.
Alright, here goes:
Brutal murders have plagued the mountains of California for weeks now. These vicious attacks have struck fear in any tourist and camper in the area. Yet, the only thing Dmitri knows about them is that it could never spread over into the quiet town of Melville ...right? Mysteriously, a new family moved into the town only days after the attacks. But, what's more strange is that the family has distanced themselves from everyone. Nobody knows anything about them.
In his senior year, Dmitri never expected someone as strange and bold as Katarina Moretti to move to their humble community. She has a cynical view of the world, mocking the aspects of everyday society like she’s not a part of it. Well, almost 80 years of watching humans set themselves up for disaster can do that to a person.
You see, Katarina isn’t human. And neither is what’s hunting up in the mountains. The Morettis are part of an ancient race of avian-like creatures. The flock’s sole purpose for the past millennia was to destroy what’s been hunting the humans. Yet, Dmitri’s never believed in werewolves –though he'll have to soon. The attacks are becoming more frequent and he might just have to help the Morettis save mankind from becoming fanged monstrosities.
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I know it sounds likes Maximum Ride. And kinda Twilight, too. But, truthfully, I came up with it before those books even came out. 0.o Weird, huh? |
_________________ Soar, eat ether, see what has never been seen; depart, be lost, but climb. -Edna St. Vincent Millay
"Cowards die many times before their deaths; the valiant never taste of death but once." -William Shakespeare |
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