Topic ID: 26359
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aestar101
No Soup for You! Speaker of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 14 Joined: 22 Jan 2008 Posts: 688 Reviews: 130 Country: atop a cloud 300 Points
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Posted: Mon Feb 25, 2008 8:38 pm Post subject: City Streets |
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Running down the streets,
Like there’s no tomorrow,
My tan overcoat flying
As I tiptoe though the brick sidewalks,
Racing past brimstone apartment by another,
By each rosebush, and each Japanese maple in each
Small gated front garden,
I swing around each tall lamppost,
While cherry blossoms fall,
I take a turn and jump a wrought-iron gate
I’m running over grass covered bricks,
My own fairyland in this wonderful city,
I make another turn,
Onto a major street,
Boutiques, restaurants, and everything else line this block,
I run slower,
Taking in the world of skyscrapers around me,
The beauty,
The fascination,
I cross the street into the big park,
Where tree have plaques below,
People studying on benches,
Basking in shade on this spring day,
Looking at smiling faces,
I climb the stone memorial,
Walking around to find a comfortable place to sit,
Looking around to find you sitting on the bench,
Staring blankly into life,
In thrift store jeans, un-tucked button down shirt, black blazer,
It went well with your shaggy blond hair,
I turn my hair to the other side,
Dark brown hair flying,
I take a closer look,
Piercing blue eyes,
Not one for blonds,
But this one is clearly different,
He looks frustrated,
Like he always looks,
Sitting in the same spot every day,
I see you as I venture though the city,
A never ending jungle of skyscrapers,
I jump off the memorial,
And walk through the park more,
I pass by ponds filled with swans and birds,
I walk over the curved bridge onto a cobblestone path,
I’m out of the beautiful park,
And back on the city streets,
Skyscrapers and historic buildings,
It’s like two worlds colliding,
When I walk though the city,
I feel like a free bird that flies,
Skipping though streets,
I walk down to the subway,
It’s crowded like a stack of books,
I stand and hold on to the subway pole,
I look out the graffiti covered window,
To see you in the opposite train,
Looking lost,
You look out the window,
And you see me
I pretend not to notice as our subways go in opposite directions,
The rush is all behind me,
It’s like the world is speeding up behind me,
Then in an expeditious stop,
The world is back to normal,
I walk out of the station,
Past the busy commuters,
The active college students,
Walking 2-4 flights of stairs,
I tie my tan trench coat tighter,
There is a slight rush of wind,
A chill down my back,
Passing the florist’s,
Seeing all types of flowers,
And gifts,
Smelling different scents,
It’s like exploring something new,
Something different,
And new,
And exciting,
I jump on to the carriage,
It takes off into nowhere,
Not really,
I get off at the center of everything,
I pay the driver,
And look at where I am,
There’s musicians playing,
Street sales,
It put life into my soul,
Then I turn around,
And I see you in the middle of the square,
Smiling straight at me,
It’s almost melts me,
You got my heart alright,
Standing there with a single orchid flower,
I stand there smiling,
City streets,
City streets
Take me anywhere
Take me on adventure,
All of the street in this city,
Take me to you, |
_________________ Character is what you have left when you've lost everything you can lose. - Evan Esar
Like my opinions a lot? Let me critique you. http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic29146.html |
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VivelaMusique
Junior Writer

 Gender:  Age: 18 Joined: 28 Feb 2008 Posts: 38 Reviews: 17 Country: Etats-Unis 300 Points
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Posted: Sat Mar 01, 2008 5:33 pm Post subject: |
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I like the idea of this poem in theory..but the actual execution of it didn't really work for me. Free verse isn't really my thing though.
I think it would have been better if you had some sort of pattern, but I couldn't really find one. There were many different sized stanzas, no rhyming, and no real rhythm that I could see.
On the other hand, it was a nice story and you used impressive imagery.
Maybe you could edit a bit and re-post? |
_________________ "Why kill time when you can kill yourself?"
-Voltaire |
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aestar101
No Soup for You! Speaker of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 14 Joined: 22 Jan 2008 Posts: 688 Reviews: 130 Country: atop a cloud 300 Points
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Posted: Sat Mar 01, 2008 6:40 pm Post subject: |
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Here's the revised version:
Running down the streets,
Like there’s no tomorrow,
My tan overcoat flying
As I tiptoe though the brick sidewalks,
Racing past brimstone apartment by another,
By each rosebush, and each Japanese maple in each
Small gated front garden,
I swing around each tall lamppost,
While cherry blossoms fall,
I take a turn and jump a wrought-iron gate
I’m running over grass covered bricks,
My own fairyland in this wonderful city,
I make another turn,
Onto a major street,
Boutiques, restaurants, and everything else line this block,
I run slower,
Taking in the world of skyscrapers around me,
The beauty,
The fascination,
I cross the street into the big park,
Where tree have plaques below,
People studying on benches,
Basking in shade on this spring day,
Looking at smiling faces,
I climb the stone memorial,
Walking around to find a comfortable place to sit,
Looking around to find you sitting on the bench,
Staring blankly into life,
In thrift store jeans, un-tucked button down shirt, black blazer,
It went well with your shaggy blonde hair,
I turn my head to the other side,
Dark brown hair flying,
I take a closer look,
Piercing blue eyes,
Not one for blondes,
But this one is clearly different,
He looks frustrated,
Like he always looks,
Sitting in the same spot every day,
I see you as I venture though the city,
A never ending jungle of skyscrapers,
I jump off the memorial,
And walk through the park more,
I pass by ponds filled with swans and birds,
I walk over the curved bridge onto a cobblestone path,
I’m out of the beautiful park,
And back on the city streets,
Skyscrapers and historic buildings,
It’s like two worlds colliding,
When I walk though the city,
I feel like a free bird that flies,
Skipping though streets,
I walk down to the subway,
It’s crowded like a stack of books,
I stand and hold on to the subway pole,
I look out the graffiti covered window,
To see you in the opposite train,
Looking lost,
You look out the window,
And you see me
I pretend not to notice as our subways go in opposite directions,
The rush is all behind me,
It’s like the world is speeding up behind me,
Then in an expeditious stop,
The world is back to normal,
I walk out of the station,
Past the busy commuters,
The active college students,
Walking 2-4 flights of stairs,
I tie my tan trench coat tighter,
There is a slight rush of wind,
A chill down my back,
Passing the florist’s,
Seeing all types of flowers,
And gifts,
Smelling different scents,
It’s like exploring something new,
Something different,
And new,
And exciting,
I jump on to the carriage,
It takes off into nowhere,
Not really,
I get off at the center of everything,
I pay the driver,
And look at where I am,
There’s musicians playing,
Street sales,
It put life into my soul,
Then I turn around,
And I see you in the middle of the square,
Smiling straight at me,
It’s almost melts me,
You got my heart alright,
Standing there with a single orchid flower,
I stand there smiling,
City streets,
City streets
Take me anywhere
Take me on adventure,
All of the street in this city,
Take me to you,
Last time I had rhyming it sounded forced to some people. So the imagery made up for it. I wrote what I felt. |
_________________ Character is what you have left when you've lost everything you can lose. - Evan Esar
Like my opinions a lot? Let me critique you. http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic29146.html |
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hekategirl
An Angel with an Edge Master of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 14 Joined: 03 Feb 2005 Posts: 1453 Reviews: 323 Country: An Alleyway North of Sanity 300 Points
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Posted: Sat Mar 01, 2008 8:07 pm Post subject: |
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It was a cute idea but, trying not too sound harsh, it honestly bored me to tears. It was long, rambling, had no rhythm, no imagery to speak of...there's no substance to this poem. But the thing is, I expected so much more. It's like getting a chocolate chip cookie, biting into it, and getting a dry rice cracker. There were some lines I enjoyed, but I can't find them again.
Overall, this poem was dry. Rework it, rethink it. Add more...something. It's just shallow right now. But I do see a tremendous amount of potential, so please don't stop writing! |
_________________ ***Honorary 11-Year-Old***
Heh-COT-ee-GUR-el
Got YWS? |
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aestar101
No Soup for You! Speaker of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 14 Joined: 22 Jan 2008 Posts: 688 Reviews: 130 Country: atop a cloud 300 Points
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Posted: Sat Mar 01, 2008 8:11 pm Post subject: |
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| Okay. I thought it was good when I wrote it. I just wrote what I felt. |
_________________ Character is what you have left when you've lost everything you can lose. - Evan Esar
Like my opinions a lot? Let me critique you. http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic29146.html |
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aestar101
No Soup for You! Speaker of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 14 Joined: 22 Jan 2008 Posts: 688 Reviews: 130 Country: atop a cloud 300 Points
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Posted: Mon Mar 03, 2008 12:21 am Post subject: |
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This is the final version. I hope everyone likes it. Its my emotions I felt on a trip to a city. Its how I felt when I fell in love with the city and my crush so it kinda apart of me:
Running down the streets,
Like there’s no tomorrow,
My tan overcoat flying
As I tiptoe though the brick sidewalks,
Racing past brimstone apartment by another,
By each rosebush, and each Japanese maple in each
Small gated front garden,
It’s like having a secret magical forest,
Away from the government stiffs and the annoying tourists,
I swing around each tall lamppost,
While cherry blossoms fall,
They look like pink raindrops all around,
I take a turn and jump a wrought-iron gate
Trotting over grass covered bricks,
I make another turn,
Onto a major street,
Boutiques, restaurants, and everything else line this block,
Street dancers that have moves that rock,
I run slower,
Taking in the world of skyscrapers around me,
It like a village of giants towering over me
The beauty,
The fascination,
I cross the street into the big park,
Where tree have plaques below,
People studying on the benches,
Basking in shade on this spring day,
How can I look away?
I climb the stone memorial,
Walking around it to find a comfortable place to sit,
Looking around to find you sitting on the bench,
Staring blankly into life,
In thrift store jeans, un-tucked button down shirt, black blazer,
It went well with your shaggy blonde hair,
You know how well I stare,
It like I’m not even there
Invisible, you know
It suits me for the moment,
I really don’t want you to know,
Cruse how I’m so cynical,
Piercing blue eyes,
I’m usually not one for blondes,
But I knew you were clearly different,
I can see your soul,
Lost and tying to find a way,
But doesn’t know how,
Every mistake a slight fray,
Makes you incomprehensible to others,
I know your beauty inside,
You look frustrated,
Like you always look,
Sitting in the same spot every day,
I wish I could make you feel better,
But you don’t see me,
I see you as I venture though the city,
The city,
A never ending jungle of skyscrapers,
I jump off the memorial,
And walk through the park some more,
I pass by ponds filled with swans and birds,
I walk over the curved bridge onto a cobblestone path,
I’m out of the beautiful park,
And back on the city streets,
Skyscrapers and historic buildings,
It’s like two worlds colliding,
And you just a witness,
No more than a bystander,
To a living phenomenon,
When I walk though the city,
I feel like a free bird that flies,
Skipping though streets,
When I fly over the pavement,
I walk down to the subway,
It’s crowded like a stack of books,
I stand and hold on to the subway pole,
I look out the graffiti covered window,
To see you in the opposite train,
Schizophrenia fills my brain,
Looking lost,
You look out the window,
And you see me,
Stricken with love,
I pretend not to notice as our subways go in opposite directions,
The rush is all behind me,
It’s like the world is speeding up as I leave,
Then in an expeditious stop,
The world is back to normal,
I walk out of the station,
Past the busy commuters,
The active college students,
Who don’t know any manners,
But yet I remain prudent,
Walking 2-4 flights of stairs,
I tie my tan trench coat tighter,
There is a slight rush of wind,
A chill down my back,
Like someone is running a single nail down my spine,
Passing the florist’s,
Seeing all types of flowers,
And gifts,
Smelling different scents,
It’s like exploring something new,
Something different,
And new,
And exciting,
I jump on to the carriage,
It takes off into nowhere,
Not really,
I get off at the square,
I pay the driver,
And over there,
There’s musicians playing,
Street sales,
I felt like jumping out and dancing,
The arts are very romancing,
It put life into my soul,
I feel a gentle tap on my shoulder,
So gentle it felt like a hand of a lover,
Then I turn around,
And I see you in the middle of the square,
Smiling dead on at me,
It’s almost melts me,
You got my heart alright,
You always had it
From the first time I saw you
To this moment of truth
Standing there with a single orchid flower,
I stand there smiling,
Rushing into arm in a passionate kiss,
It’s like I’ve known you forever
City streets,
City streets,
Take me anywhere
Take me on adventure,
City streets
City streets
Everywhere we go and everyone we meet
Makes us collide,
Which means that all the streets in this city,
Take me to you, |
_________________ Character is what you have left when you've lost everything you can lose. - Evan Esar
Like my opinions a lot? Let me critique you. http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic29146.html |
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Moe_Moe17
Writer

 Gender:  Age: 18 Joined: 24 Jan 2008 Posts: 55 Reviews: 36 Country: A little town somewhere between here and there 300 Points
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Posted: Mon Mar 03, 2008 5:57 pm Post subject: Poem |
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Well first off i liked the way your poem flows... but there are a few things that i think should be rephrased or changed like (quote) "Boutiques, restaurants, and everything else line this block" it didn't quite make sense to me but other than that it looks great and laso i like the way your title fits your poem it explains exactly what it is going to be about!  |
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rustystar
Junior Writer

 Gender:  Age: 16 Joined: 11 Mar 2008 Posts: 19 Reviews: 10 Country: Holy Toledo 300 Points
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Posted: Wed Mar 12, 2008 2:49 am Post subject: |
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your descriptions are really well written, and since i don't mind free-verse i actually liked the way this flows without rhyming.
i love reading poems with good imagery and diction, and i think this one had both. i just imagine a city with only one real person walking through the streets, like how you'd be the only real person knowing how you felt and through at that moment.
but that's just my interpretation.
-Kiki |
_________________ Barb: Ugh, it smells like dead bodies out here.
Me: And...you know that how?
Barb: I DO watch CSI. |
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Echolair
Writer

 Gender:  Age: 17 Joined: 16 Mar 2008 Posts: 72 Reviews: 51 Country: Sweet land of Philippines! 300 Points
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Posted: Thu Apr 17, 2008 2:40 pm Post subject: |
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I swing around each tall lamppost
--I guess you are now well aware that you have to separate the lamp from the post, in short: lamp post.
But seriously, screw that. I loved that line. Kinda made it perfect for the poem because it showed how much love and glee you felt that moment, that you had to share it with each and every thing, especially something as deadly-dull as a lamp post.
I wouldn't critique on the structure and where you've gone amiss, because I know you've noticed them already. And you have this great potential of writing something even better.
Go gaga over writing!
<3 JACE
[need me to critique more of yours, just PM me. kisses.] |
_________________ In heaven there is only you, on earth you are all i want. -Psalms 73:25 |
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God
Senior Writer

 Gender:  Age: 17 Joined: 04 Apr 2008 Posts: 177 Reviews: 44 Country: U.S.A. 300 Points
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Posted: Thu Apr 17, 2008 4:28 pm Post subject: |
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| im not gonna say much, but i found this poem boring, a good idea, and its flow is terrible, but it is too damn long, i got bored about four verses in. so maybe try to condense it a bit, a lot of people wouldnt bother reading the whole thing through. |
_________________ "An eye for an eye only ends up making the whole world blind."
-Gandhi |
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God
Senior Writer

 Gender:  Age: 17 Joined: 04 Apr 2008 Posts: 177 Reviews: 44 Country: U.S.A. 300 Points
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Posted: Thu Apr 17, 2008 4:29 pm Post subject: |
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| im not gonna say much, but i found this poem boring, a good idea, and its flow is terrible, but it is too damn long, i got bored about four verses in. so maybe try to condense it a bit, a lot of people wouldnt bother reading the whole thing through. |
_________________ "An eye for an eye only ends up making the whole world blind."
-Gandhi |
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blacktiger3915
It's the eye of the tiger! Speaker of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 17 Joined: 26 Nov 2007 Posts: 730 Reviews: 270 Country: Atlanta,GA USA 300 Points
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Posted: Thu Apr 17, 2008 5:07 pm Post subject: |
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| Sorry, but I totally agree with "God" (I hate that he used that name). |
_________________ Don't send sheep to kill a wolf. |
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aestar101
No Soup for You! Speaker of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 14 Joined: 22 Jan 2008 Posts: 688 Reviews: 130 Country: atop a cloud 300 Points
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Posted: Mon Apr 21, 2008 2:36 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks for the crits! God, I don't reccomend the cursing because the mods don't like that.  |
_________________ Character is what you have left when you've lost everything you can lose. - Evan Esar
Like my opinions a lot? Let me critique you. http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic29146.html |
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Vernon
Always shall Love Elizabeth his Beautiful Goddess Epic Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 18 Joined: 09 May 2005 Posts: 3825 Reviews: 647 Country: Building a bridge to Elizabeth's heart and guiding her to mines. 300 Points
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Posted: Mon Apr 21, 2008 3:26 pm Post subject: |
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| blacktiger3915 wrote: |
| Sorry, but I totally agree with "God" (I hate that he used that name). |
It's a joke... jeeze...
Anyway I sadly agree with him. It went on and on. You had wonderful imagery and metaphors but the length. Couldn't you write it as a story instead less stressing. When I saw the title I expected something really great... but you just went and carried on. A lot of this is also purple prose, why do we need to know what you're wearing? Or anything else. It's a love story which doesn't lighten heart. Oh and I'm a hopeless romantic but droning on and on you just lost me. Over: I recommend you write this in prose.
Good luck
VSN
----------------
Listening to: Wicked - Dancing Through Life
via FoxyTunes |
_________________ We get off to the rhythm of the trigger and destruction. Fallujah to New Orleans with impunity to kill. We are the hidden fist of the free market.
We are the ink, we are the quill.
[The Ink And The Quill (Be Afraid) - Anti-Flag] |
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aestar101
No Soup for You! Speaker of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 14 Joined: 22 Jan 2008 Posts: 688 Reviews: 130 Country: atop a cloud 300 Points
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Posted: Mon Apr 21, 2008 4:11 pm Post subject: |
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I made it shorter. I killed the stuff I didn't need:
Running down the streets,
Like there’s no tomorrow,
As I tiptoe though the brick sidewalks,
I swing around each tall lamppost,
While cherry blossoms fall,
They look like pink raindrops all around,
I take a turn and jump a wrought-iron gate
Trotting over grass covered bricks,
I run slower,
Taking in the world of skyscrapers around me,
It like a village of giants towering over me
The beauty,
The fascination,
I cross the street into the big park,
Where tree have plaques below,
People studying on the benches,
Basking in shade on this spring day,
How can I look away?
I climb the stone memorial,
Walking around it to find a comfortable place to sit,
Looking around to find you sitting on the bench,
Staring blankly into life,
In thrift store jeans, un-tucked button down shirt, black blazer,
It went well with your shaggy blonde hair,
You know how well I stare,
It like I’m not even there
Invisible, you know
It suits me for the moment,
I really don’t want you to know,
Cruse how I’m so cynical,
I can see your soul,
Lost and tying to find a way,
But doesn’t know how,
Every mistake a slight fray,
Makes you incomprehensible to others,
I know your beauty inside,
You look frustrated,
Like you always look,
Sitting in the same spot every day,
I wish I could make you feel better,
But you don’t see me,
I pass by ponds filled with swans and birds,
I walk over the curved bridge onto a cobblestone path,
I’m out of the park,
And back on the city streets,
Skyscrapers and historic buildings,
It’s like two worlds colliding,
And you just a witness,
No more than a bystander,
To a living phenomenon,
I walk down to the subway,
It’s crowded like a stack of books,
I stand and hold on to the subway pole,
I look out the graffiti covered window,
To see you in the opposite train,
Schizophrenia fills my brain,
Looking lost,
You look out the window,
And you see me,
Stricken with love,
I pretend not to notice as our subways go in opposite directions,
The rush is all behind me,
It’s like the world is speeding up as I leave,
Then in an expeditious stop,
The world is back to normal,
I walk out of the station,
Past the busy commuters,
The active college students,
Who don’t know any manners,
But yet I remain prudent,
I jump on to the carriage,
It takes off into nowhere,
Not really,
I get off at the square,
I pay the driver,
And over there,
There’s musicians playing,
Street sales,
I felt like jumping out and dancing,
The arts are very romancing,
It put life into my soul,
I feel a gentle tap on my shoulder,
So gentle it felt like a hand of a lover,
Then I turn around,
And I see you in the middle of the square,
Smiling dead on at me,
It’s almost melts me,
You got my heart alright,
You always had it
From the first time I saw you
To this moment of truth
Standing there with a single orchid flower,
I stand there smiling,
Rushing into arm in a passionate kiss,
It’s like I’ve known you forever
City streets,
City streets,
Take me anywhere
Take me on adventure,
City streets
City streets
Everywhere we go and everyone we meet
Makes us collide,
Which means that all the streets in this city,
Take me to you, |
_________________ Character is what you have left when you've lost everything you can lose. - Evan Esar
Like my opinions a lot? Let me critique you. http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic29146.html |
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