Topic ID: 29160
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Tamora
Senior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 16
Joined: 05 Mar 2007
Posts: 225
Reviews: 57
Country: the land of Kiwis!! NZ!
511 Points
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 Posted: Mon Apr 21, 2008 2:20 am Post subject: Crucifixion |
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I am a cursed one.
Like flames that lick my wooden soul
They taunt me cruelly.
They whip me, and hurt.
Bright red sparks come from my fiery back,
The blood of hatred.
God forsakes me here,
He lets them hold me to the wood,
Trapped to the tree.
They're called to Lord
Proving their heated love
As the saviours of Earth
They watch me die here,
A show for children to enjoy,
For them to laugh at.
God's left me here,
And no angels hear my cries
In the cold darkness.
I drift away now,
Dying yells float around me,
No pain penetrates.
God is still there,
Though a river seems to part us,
Washing me clean.
Cool hands take me,
Bringing me forward to peace,
I'm finally to rest. |
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It is an established fact that, despite everything society can do, girls of seven are magnetically attracted to the colour pink.
- Terry Pratchett, "Monstrous Regiment"
Last edited by Tamora on Fri Jun 06, 2008 2:07 am; edited 1 time in total |
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teenweirdo
Writer
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Age: 14
Joined: 19 Apr 2008
Posts: 51
Reviews: 25
300 Points
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| Posted: Mon Apr 21, 2008 10:10 pm Post subject: |
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Hi, there! Wow, I love the passion in this poem. I hope you'll do great in the contest. Here's my advice.
| Quote: |
I am a cursed one.
Like flames that lick my wooden soul
They taunt me cruelly.
They whip me, and hurt. You should probably rephrase that. Maybe you forgot to add an 'it' before hurt?
Bright red sparks come from my firey back,
The blood of hatred.
God forsakes me here,
He lets them hold me to the wood,
Trapped Strapped? 'Trapped' doesn't really sound right to the tree.
They are called to God, Capitalized because it's a name
Like the one years before was,
The saviors of earth.
I couldn't quite grasp what this stanza was trying to say.
They watch me die here,
A freak for children to enjoy,
For them to laugh at.
I've been left alone,
No angels to hear my cries
In the cold darkness.
I drift away now,
Their cries falling on deaf ears, Maybe add a 'my' between on and deaf
No pain penetrates.
He is still there,
Though a river seems to part us,
Washing me clean.
Cool hands take me,
Bringing me forward to peace,
I'm finally to rest. I think an 'and' before 'I'm' would flow more here |
Sorry, I don't know if I can critique well or not. I really like the poem, though! |
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laura claridge
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 06 May 2008
Posts: 49
Reviews: 23
Country: New Zealand
203 Points
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| Posted: Wed Jun 04, 2008 11:54 pm Post subject: |
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| i liked it. the form made it easy to read |
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"Don't you know a rumble ain't a rumble without me?" -Dally |
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timjim77
Novelist
Age: 18
Joined: 24 Sep 2005
Posts: 316
Reviews: 209
300 Points
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| Posted: Thu Jun 05, 2008 4:31 am Post subject: Re: Crucifixion |
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| Tamora wrote: |
I am a cursed one.
Like flames that lick my wooden soul (Wooden soul, awesome.)
They taunt me crue(l)ly.
They whip me, and hurt.
Bright red sparks come from my firey (sp) back,
The blood of hatred.
God forsakes me here,
He lets them hold me to the wood,
Trapped to the tree.
They are called to god,
Like the one years before was, (This line is awkward.)
The saviors of earth. (This whole stanza doesn't seem to do much.)
They watch me die here,
A freak for children to enjoy,
For them to laugh at. (Reconsider word choice for freak, watch, and laugh.)
I've been left alone, (No. You can do better.)
No angels to hear my cries (Better!)
In the cold darkness. (Hmmm....)
I drift away now,
Their cries falling on deaf ears, (falling on deaf ears is a cliche.)
No pain penetrates.
He is still there,
Though a river seems to part us,
Washing me clean. (Good.)
Cool hands take me, (I love this renewal imagery.)
Bringing me forward to peace,
I'm finally to rest. (Good!) |
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