This is what I have so far for my Nano novel, RUNAWAY. I know it's very rough and I don't think there's much character development, but for now, I just want nit-picky reviews. Once Part Two is posted, then I'll be craving tips of characterization and stuff.
Enjoy! (Well, I hope you will, anyway.)
R U N A W A Y : Chapter One : P a r a l y z e d
Rain fell steadily outside: a listless, hissing sound that made it impossible to pay attention to the teacher. It reminded me of wet static and whispered words in the night, intangible. I watched it fall, streaking the windowpanes like tears. Beautiful and sad.
The droplets of water made a rippling sheet of shadow on the grey-tiled floor. My gaze travelled over the blue light of the classroom without interest. Under other circumstances, I would have been captivated -- I could write about it -- but not now, not in detention. Not in the same room where I'd spent every day after school since the first day of junior high. After a couple months, it kind of gets boring, you know?
"Skye."
I swung my head around to glare at Mrs. Watson, my advisory teacher. She sat placidly behind her cluttered mahogany desk, hands forming a steeple over piles of half-graded papers.
"I hope you know why you're here," she said.
"Yeah, I do." I didn't bother to curb the insolence that poisoned my voice as I continued, "As usual, I was being rude and disruptive. I ruined other peoples' learning opportunities and I should be so sorry."
Mrs. Watson's lips thinned to a bloodless slash. "Now, Skye, you are a very intelligent girl -"
"I bet they pay you to say that!" I snarled, interrupting her. I kicked back in my chair and pulled the hood lower on my baggy black sweater.
The bell rang then, razoring through a silence broken only by the steady patter of rain. I stood up loudly. "Can I just go?"
The teacher sighed and brandished her pen, not even bothering to look up as she resumed her work, grading the assignments my class had handed in today. "Fine. But, Skye? I'll be expecting better behaviour from you tomorrow."
I nodded tensely and slung my bag over my shoulder. Mrs. Watson wasn't actually that bad -- for a teacher -- but now I would need to come up with an excuse for being late from school, because my parents would be just dying to know.
Flinging open the classroom door, I found myself facing rows of steel-grey lockers that stretched endlessly down the walls in front of me. Cold and empty.
I checked my watch. 3:45. Everyone, including my friends, would be either hanging around the park or on their way home. Everyone except me.
Sighing, I broke into a light jog. The sound of my footsteps was loud in the silence, louder than the rain, but I kept going.
***
It wasn't a good day to forget my raincoat. My hair was drenched by the time I got out of sight of the school, clinging to my face in dark gold snakes. I hoped that my homework wouldn't get too wet as I trudged along, watching leaves swirl through the miniature rivers of water that ran parallel to the sidewalk.
"Hey, Skye! Wait up!"
I whirled around to see Tanya, my best friend, running down the rain-slicked road towards me. And, to my immense relief, she clutched a giant black umbrella in one hand.
"Share?" she offered, as if guessing my thoughts.
"Thanks," I said gratefully. "But why are you still here? I thought I was the only one who had a detention."
She shook her head. "I didn't have a detention, but I stayed behind to get the work I missed while I was sick."
"Oh," I said absently. My gaze strayed once again to the leaves swirling through dark waters, and then to the leaden, rain-pregant sky. Rain sheeted down from wolf-grey clouds, peppering the street with tiny silver explosions as each one fell and broke in its turn.
We walked in an uncharacteristic silence until the park, Tanya turned and said, "Well, see you tomorrow, I guess."
"Bye!" I called, but she was already running down the street. I sighed, lonely already -- despite the fact that we hadn't talked much -- and entered the park.
I stopped under the dry shadow of a massive pine tree and fumbled in my bag. Finally, my fingers closed around the familiar cool edges of my Ipod. I pulled it out from between my agenda and my math binder and clipped it onto my belt, threading the cord for the earbuds under my sweater so they wouldn't get wet.
Immediately, an unidentifiable song blasted into my ears. I dialed down the volume hastily, head still ringing, and set out from under the trees again.
The landscape was bleak in the rain. Dripping trees bent under the weight of the sky and the downpour had reduced the field to a stretch of mud. My hair clung uncomfortably to my skin and my worn sneakers were sodden; moisture seeped into my socks. I grimaced, prepared myself to phone my parents -- and froze. Voices, up ahead.
"So, this Thursday?" a male voice, one I recognized. Just hearing him made heat creep into my cheeks.
"Yeah, this Thursday's great!"
No mistaking that voice, either. Janet: blonde, popular, and the most conceited know-it-all ever to walk the face of the Earth. They were behind a thick clump of brambles, screened by a wall of barbed stems. I padded quietly forwards, trying to ignore the dread coiling in my chest.
He stepped backwards unexpectedly. My Ipod blasted, and the words of a familiar song seemed to echo afterwards in my ears.
Well, I'm not paralyzed, but I seem to be struck by you...
That perfect face, pale and streaked with rain. So beautiful...
I shook my head, disgusted by my reaction, and crept further away, desperate not to be seen. I tried not to dwell on the conversation I had just heard, tried not to remember.
--------------
[MORE COMING SOON]
Questions: (please, please answer these in your critiques!)
1. Do you get any feel for Skye's personality yet? If yes, what helped to build up her character? If not, what could I do to improve?
2. How do you like the style of writing so far? Too much description? Too little?
3. How old do you think Skye is?
Thank-you! 
Part two
The minutes inched by slowly, inexorably. Funny how time always went by so slowly when I was doing homework...
Mrs. Watson called tonight. About a half hour ago, my mom had come tramping up the stairs, red-faced and angry. In her right hand, she held the telephone. That had been a dead giveaway. I'd closed my eyes and leaned back, waiting for the lecture.
It was exactly what I had expected: the how-could-you-act-so-irresponsibly-your-father-and-I-are-terribly-dissapointed rant I'd heard... oh, only about two million times before. The consequences? Grounded for a month, no computer access, the usual.
I thought about this as my pen scratched rhythmically over the paper, etching numbers in blue-black ink. My mom had demanded to see my agenda (which was empty; I hadn't used it in at least five months) and then decided not to let me out of my room until I had finished all my homework.
The first shadows of dusk thickened outside my window, spider-webbing the silhouettes of tree branches across the lawn. I set down my pen for a moment to observe it.
Clouds like lily-petals were stacked up high in a sky the colour of tropical water, exotic and vivid. A skeletal gate of trees laced over it, black and twisting without their leaves.
A sharp rap on the door broke into my thoughts.
"Can I come in?" my mom asked, her voice crisp and formal. I replied with a muffled "yeah" and she slipped inside, not meeting my eyes.
"Your father and I are going out for the night. I want you to watch your brother -- he's to be in bed by 8:30. We'll be back at 11:30. You are not to go outside, use the computer, or talk on the phone. I'll expect you to be in bed by the time we return."
I nodded mutely, brushing a strand of still-damp golden hair out of my eyes. Of course, I was planning on using the computer. It was about time I caught up with my friends.
"Good. Well, see you tomorrow morning," my mom said stiffly, and left.
***
Screw homework, I thought as soon as I heard the door slam. Leaving my math worksheet half-finished on my desk, I ran downstairs and woke up the computer.
The house rang with an eerie silence as I waited for MSN to load. It was like a silent, gaping scream -- without sound, but somehow, you just hear it.
But I forgot all about that as I signed on to hotmail. Names rippled down the screen, and I scanned the rapidly growing list for Tanya's address.
Sk¥e >> (U) [chasing_shadowsXxX@hotmail.com] says: Hey Tan!
TaNyA [tanya_rules_the_world@hotmail.com] says: heyy. What's up? you sound kinda sad > the (U) in your name...
Sk¥e >> (U) [chasing_shadowsXxX@hotmail.com] says: It's nothing, really.
TaNyA [tanya_rules_the_world@hotmail.com] says: nothing... riiiiiiight! let me guess: it's HIM!
Sk¥e >> (U) [chasing_shadowsXxX@hotmail.com] says: maybe.... k, you guessed right. He's going out with JANET this Thursday. I need to come up with a master plan to make him hate her before that... 
TaNyA [tanya_rules_the_world@hotmail.com] says: lol, ya. But... Janet?! ew! i dunno why you like him in the first place... :S
Sk¥e >> (U) [chasing_shadowsXxX@hotmail.com] says: shut up! XD Anyway, capitalize your Is. Or I will cheerfully tear you limb from limb tomorrow.
TaNyA [tanya_rules_the_world@hotmail.com] says: fine, I will!
TaNyA [tanya_rules_the_world@hotmail.com] says: omg! HE'S ONLINE! O:
Sk¥e >> (U) [chasing_shadowsXxX@hotmail.com] says: He's not going to want to talk to me.
TaNyA [tanya_rules_the_world@hotmail.com] says: so? talk to him anyways!
Sk¥e >> (U) [chasing_shadowsXxX@hotmail.com] says: fine, I will. Be right back...
Sk¥e >> (U) [chasing_shadowsXxX@hotmail.com] says: hey.
omg so much homework today... [insert_name_here@hotmail.com] says: this is skye right?
Sk¥e >> (U) [chasing_shadowsXxX@hotmail.com] says: yeah.
omg so much homework today... [insert_name_here@hotmail.com] says: oh. well, what's up?
Sk¥e >> (U) [chasing.shadowsXxX] says: dunno... you're going out with Janet this Thursday?
omg so much homework today... [insert_name_here@hotmail.com] says: WHAT?!! did janet tell you?!!
My fingers paused over the keyboard. Telling him that Janet told me about their arrangement could possibly be a way to make them angry at each other... maybe even angry enough to cancel their date. A bleak smile flitted across my face.
Sk¥e >> (U) [chasing_shadowsXxX@hotmail.com] says: she might have...
omg so much homework today... [insert_name_here@hotmail.com] says: *mad* well that's all I wanted to know. bye.
[insert_name_here@hotmail.com may not appear because he or she appears to be offline.]
I closed MSN and turned off the computer, feeling hollow. He had completely used me.
Once again, the house rang with silence. The squeak of my socked feet on the stairs seemed eerily loud, almost unnatural.
And then I remembered my brother. It was just past nine o'clock; my mom had said that he had to be in bed by eight-thirty. I slapped myself mentally and fluttered downstairs again, socks sliding on the varnished wood of the staircase.
He was in the park, playing tag with a kid from a couple doors down and some school friends.
"Michael!" I yelled from the porch.
He turned around, and though I couldn't see his face -- shadows clustered too thickly between the trees -- I could have sworn that even his posture looked annoyed.
"What?" he said irritably. All around him, his friends swirled to a stop: dancers pausing, limbs drifting to rest as their sides. I thought -- ridiculously -- that it looked almost... enigmatic, something to write about later. Like the way little coins of moonlight trickled in through the sparse canopy of leaves, the way the grass trembled ever so slightly: tiny brush-strokes of ink, a carpet under bare, calloused feet.
"You've gotta come in. It's bedie-by time now."
Michael turned and muttered irritably to his friends before starting in, across the rain-slicked road.
***
I heard the door slam; my parents were home. Then -- the steady, methodical thump of footsteps coming up the stairs. I burrowed myself deeper into my duvet covers, trying to make it appear that I was sleeping.
A soft creak: the door opening.
"Skye?"
I tried to make my breathing as deep and even as possible.
My mom tiptoed to the side of my bed, brushed some hair off my face, and tiptoed back out again.
I breathed a sigh of relief. She hadn't seen the half-finished pile of homework on my desk, after all.
Outside, it started to rain again. Soft tentative drops, like small fingers tapping on the glass. Soothing. But now, with no distractions from the events of the day, I felt my eyes sting with tears. He used me. They're going out... I'm in trouble....
For the first time in uncountable months, the tears began to fall.
<<END OF CHAPTER ONE>>
------------
Questions: (only one for this part, but it'd be great if you could answer questions 1 and 2 from part one as well.)
1. Does the MSN thing work, or is it too boring?
The List:
(People who I PM when the next part is posted. If you want to be on the list, let me know in your review.)
- aestar101
- bkwrm
- Sam
Wow, I'm getting a ton of reviews! Squee!
A lot of people have a problem with building up action in the first part to keep interest, but you didn't. It was really cool to see!
