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JFW1415
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 Posted: Wed Apr 16, 2008 2:11 am Post subject: Promises Not Kept (Part One of Three) |
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Here's the revised version of He's Just Human, with a new title.
Currently being edited. |
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Last edited by JFW1415 on Mon Jul 21, 2008 5:51 pm; edited 5 times in total |
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gyrfalcon
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| Posted: Wed Apr 16, 2008 3:39 am Post subject: |
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A very intriguing start you have here darling, and it definitely hooked me in and kept me reading. One piece of advice I'd offer, and I'm sure you've heard this a thousand times before but it warrant repeating: show don't tell. Grief is a very difficult thing to handle tactfully, and you do better than most, but you tend to narrate your character's feelings and thoughts rather than showing them, letting us feel them. Something you might want to try is place things like: "I don’t need to wait for the words like they do. If he looks down, he’s gone. If he smiles, it’ll all be all right" in italics or sumsuch, so that it's not your character telling us what she's thinking, it's what your character is actually thinking. For example: If he looks down, my brother's gone. If he smiles, it'll be all right. You can even put in things like "I think" and then the italics, treating thoughts like dialog, just anything you can do to make the piece more immediate, more intimate with the reader if you know what I mean.
I must say, that last bit where she "sees" her brother in his bead has piqued my curiosity--let me know when the next installment is out, and keep writing! |
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Sam
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| Posted: Wed Apr 16, 2008 5:11 am Post subject: |
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Hey, JFW. ^_^
*glee* This was such an incredible story. I really love the small details that you used--the "hum" of the receptionist's computer really struck me. I loved how emotional you could be without going overboard, and most of all, I love the intrigue that you've built up. You need to post the next part soon.
I'm going to echo gyrfalcon here, though--you did an amazing job handling the grief, but of course they're always room for improvement.
WE PUT THE 'EMO' IN EMOTIONAL:
One of the most difficult things about writing stories with grief in them is the impulse to get caught up in the internal, emotional responses of your characters rather than the outward appearance. It's that "show, don't tell thing". You could tell us that someone was sad, but showing us how is really touching and effective.
Here are bits of two characters of mine grieving for the same guy.
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| My mother refused to touch anything in Karim's room, so it remained exactly how it was--covers pulled back on the bed, a half-glass of tea congealing on his desk. The coroner had returned his cell phone in a little plastic bag and she had dropped it, recoiling like it was something diseased. |
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Stark was sitting on the edge of his bed, a pile of books that had originally belonged to him at his feet. A piece of green fabric poked out from his closed fist--one of Karim's shirts, folded and compressed into a unit impossibly small.
"Stark?"
He looked at me. "Nods, I don't want to be here anymore." |
Just like real people, the way that characters grieve is going to be vastly different, and, at first, most of it will be apparent to other characters externally. There'll be a change in behavior, a change in speech, a change in demeanor. Noting these outward changes instead of saying something direct about a person's mood goes a lot farther in showing your reader just how bad things have gotten.
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Everywhere she looked she was reminded of him – the hook where he’d hang his jacket, the spot on the ground he’d leave his backpack, the railing he’d hit his head on when he was five. Everything brought back the memories.
Everything brought back the pain. |
This is one of those paragraphs that you could hint at instead of saying directly--it's kind of like Karim's mom in the first example above. Everything reminds her of him, so she doesn't even want to bother with his belongings because she's trying to remain composed. Showing how Brendan's mom reacts instead of commenting that everything reminds her of him would make things even more fabulous.
This kind of event is likely to have a huge impact on the rest of the family, as well. How does Matty react? The father? Are they covering their true feelings up? Dropping well-placed--and well-planned--hints is key to revealing the inner workings of side characters. Remember that when things like this happen, everyone is affected, for better or for worse.
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*high fives* This was beyond fabulous. PM me if you have any questions or when you have the next part up. ^_^ |
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chocoholic
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| Posted: Wed Apr 16, 2008 6:24 am Post subject: |
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Great story! I found no spelling mistakes nd such, so I'll just move straight onto my comments.
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| attending a funeral in three days. |
This may be my inexperience with funerals, but why did you say three days? That could be the natural amount of time, of course, but it stopped me. If it's the normal length between death and funeral, just ignore me.
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| No one makes contact, though – no one comforts the other. |
I loved this bit. It was so emotional, yet so simple.
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| He’s laying there – motionless. Cold. His face is pale, and his lips are blue. |
Creepy. You've definetely made me want to keep reading.
Okay, so, I don't really like hospital scenes unless they're really, really well written. And yours, I'm afraid, I didn't think was. I'm not saying it was bad, but it was the generic hospital scene, which I really don't like. I think if you put in more description or emotion it would be a whole lot better.
That's all I have to say apart from, you're right. It's not a good title. And, please PM me when you get the next part up. |
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JFW1415
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| Posted: Wed Apr 16, 2008 12:06 pm Post subject: |
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Yay! I love your reviews! *Hugs* I'm terrified at the aspect of fixing this up, but still, I love them! 
Sam: I've finally got a famous review from you! *Faints* I did show (tell?) how the rest of the family reacted in later sections, but I think I forgot about it in this one. I'll definately look into it.
Choc: Yes, that is the normal waiting period, at least for Catholics, which I hint that she is later on. (I hate that I have so much experience in this - I'm fourteen!  ) I think the hospital scene wasn't the best because I haven't been to many. Hmm...Maybe I could get my brother to overdose and go to one? (Just kidding, but I need to go! )
Thanks again! I have fans! *Faints* I'm very excited, as you can tell. My grin won't leave my face.
Anyone else out there willing to rip this smile of my face (in a constructive way?)
(Oh; and I'll let the ones of you who asked know when the next part is up.)
~JFW1415
EDIT: Title suggestions, anyone? It ties in with the story during the last part, but I still hate it. Titles should come tied up in ribbon at Wal-Mart.  |
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Alainna
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| Posted: Wed Apr 16, 2008 2:37 pm Post subject: |
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Hey there JFW!
I agree that your title is a bit...lacking. It's not easy to get a title that works well straight away and stick to it, especially when you can only go on the first part. I find that simple things always make good titles. Perhaps even 'Three Days' would be good for this?
As to your actual story. I absolutely loved it. Now, it's not often that I say that so you should feel very proud. You have a good idea, an excellent narrative and your style is so captivating that I didn't move my eyes from the screen during the whole time that I was reading it.
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| whether they’ll be attending a funeral in three days. |
I like the idea of three days but it is a generalisation. Most people have it within the space of a week - it isn't always three days. I think it would work better if you changed the wording here so that you are not generalising about the other families.
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| The only sound is the occasional hiccough of a crying mother and the steady roar from the receptionist’s computer. While the rest of the hospital is bustling with activity, the waiting room feels dead. |
I like this a lot but I think that you could expand on it even more. Give us more detail, smells, sights, etc.
Overall I really want to see where this is going. Your writing is very good and there were no faults with it. Just keep us guessing and engaged and we'll be happy readers. 
All the best and keep writing,
Alainna
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| Posted: Wed Apr 16, 2008 7:17 pm Post subject: |
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Hmm, I like how you keep it vauge in the first few paragraphs, but maybe it's a bit too vauge? Maybe give some hints as to their surroundings. When I first read it I though maybe someone had died, and maybe that's the feeling you want to give, but it would help bring the hospital in if you gave more suggestion. Perhaps say, something about the sterile environment, the white walls, the boring art, etc.
The dialogue and description between the doctor and the parents is very good. It keeps the reader on edge.
I always try not to use parenthesis in stories. There's usually a better way you can put it than in parenthesis. I would rephrase this in your case to say something like:
"One side of me wants to take the easy way out – to join Dad and Matty in the kitchen, laugh, and eat melted cheese on bread, though I still don’t see why my father’s so proud of that meal."
Oooh! Creepy ending! Nice! I didn't notice anything wrong as far as spelling and grammar, so good job! Post the link in my thread when you get part two posted! Keep writing!
~Yoyo  |
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| Posted: Wed Apr 16, 2008 7:23 pm Post subject: |
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Aww! This is so sad, there is a lot of really good things here. I can feel your emotion, and the way you described the doctor was very good. Scenes with doctors can be very hard to get right, because they are not unsymathetic, but at the same time no matter what news they came to tell you they have other things they need to get to. It's a hard thing to write about. I like that it didn't go into words in that part, just the fact that he looked down the narrator knew what was going on.
Very good!
Good Luck
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| Posted: Wed Apr 16, 2008 7:26 pm Post subject: |
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This is good. I have to agree that the hospital scene could have been a little better. It's not that it wasn't realistic, more that it was stereotypically realistic. It shows that you haven't visited many.
I think it would be good to add some descriptions of the waiting room and the people there. Grief is not easy to handle and waiting is even more difficult so people often try to distract themselves. One way of doing this is to look at all the items/ posters on the walls (there's usually a notice board of some description and from my experience, some places have 'smoking is bad for your health' and things like that too.) And when your persona notes the presense of other people (twenty families seems unrealistic to me) maybe go into greater detail there.
A few small points -
The room is silent. [I think you should describe the silence, build the stmosphere more. Is it an awkward silence, an oppressing silence, a silence that seems to swallow sound or enhance it?]
She sits across the room from me, and doesn’t seem to notice that anyone else in the room is there.
The only sound is the occasional hiccough [I think you mean hiccup?] of a crying mother and the steady roar from the receptionist’s computer.
They are upset about what had has happened, but they won’t show it.
She barely made it in through the front door before she burst out crying. [I think 'burst out crying' is a little awkward.]
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Azila
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| Posted: Thu Apr 17, 2008 4:02 am Post subject: |
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-Nitpicks-
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| Any job will do at this point; he just wants to think of something else. |
This might just be me, but When I hear someone say "think of something," I have the impression of somebody thinking up something; thinking up an idea, philosophy, theory, solution, whatever. I'm not sure that made any sense. XD Let's just cut to the chase: I think this would be better as "think ABOUT something."
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| Twenty other families who don’t know what’s happening behind the closed doors, whether their lives will ever be the same again, whether they’ll be attending a funeral in three days. |
I agree about the "three days" thing. Funerals aren't always three days after the death, so maybe you should just delete the whole part that I made bold?
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| No one makes contact, though – no one comforts the other. |
Saying "the other" seems awkward, to me. Maybe try saying "another?"
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| The only sound is the occasional hiccough of a crying mother and the steady roar from the receptionist’s computer. |
This is just me, but it seems like it would be more natural to put the steady roar first, then the occasional hiccough. If you do that, then it will register the computer roar as a constant in out mind -- then when we read about the hiccoughs, we'll have a better picture of it all. Ya?
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| Back in her seat, Matty is sitting up, rubbing his eyes to chase the sleep out of them. |
Do you mean to say "his seat?" I think that would make more sense...
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| My parents stand there, looking like naïve little children. |
Elaborate. What makes them look naïve? Is it the contrast of their small, fear-shriveled forms against the sturdy, authoritative form of the doctor? Is it simply the look in their eyes? Elaborate.
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| If he looks down, he’s gone. If he smiles, it’ll all be all right. |
This is unclear. It should be "If he looks down, Brendon’s gone. If he smiles, it’ll all be alright." (also notice that "alright" is one word)
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| My parents know this, but they’ll wait for his voice to tell them this. |
I think you should either delete the "this" at the end, or change it to "so."
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As I cross the room, my eyes meet the doctor’s, a second before he tells him.
He looks down. |
This is a bit unclear as well; who is the "him" in the first sentence? The father? that's what I realized after a little while, but at first I thought it was Matty because that's who you were just talking about.
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| When something bad happens, people have three ways to deal with it. They can ignore it completely, be upset but move on, or be stuck in grief. |
The period after "it" should be a colon, methinks.
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| They are upset about what had happened, but they won’t show it. |
You should either delete "had" or make it into "have."
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| I was upset the next day, and I never spared him a second thought after that. |
This is pretty nitpicky, but if she never thought about it again--how could she be talking about it now? 
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| I can see the outline of the moon – it’s full – through the thin curtains. |
I would just say "I can see the [plump] outline of the full moon through the thin curtains." (you don't need to use the word "plump" but I think an adjective wouldn't be bad there)
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-Overall-
I agree with the others that you need to show a little more and tell a little less. I know it's hard, but try. But I think that the main issue is that you go into too much detail about how others act, and not enough about how the narrator/MC acts. This might be very significant about how she feels when she's upset (thinking about other people and not herself) but it's just something to consider. I think you should take the description of how her family members act and thing out the details, then flesh it out again with details about how MC feels about what she's observing: does she (I'm randomly assuming it's a girl)feel isolated by the fact that she can't decide how to react? Does she feel envious of her parents/sibling for having their reactions come so naturally? Does she feel anything?
Basically, the actual actions are very well-done, but you just have to think of how to portray it... remember that if you're writing in first person (especially in present tense) the way you write represents a lot about how your character thinks, and lets us into the narrator's head. First person isn't easy at all (I'm slowly realizing this myself) because you have to smother your own style in that of your narrator -- if your narrator isn't the kind of person who notices details, then you shouldn't describe details...
Anyway, very good! *gold star* I'm not sure if I will be able to get to part 2 tonight, but if not I will do it tomorrow morning.
PM me if you have questions/comments concerning my crit.
Hope this helps.
~Azila~ |
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JabberHut
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| Posted: Sat Apr 19, 2008 2:36 am Post subject: |
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Hi! Sorry if I repeat anything said above. Once I start critting, I crit straight through.
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| She sits across the room from me, [no comma] and doesn’t seem to notice that anyone else in the room. |
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| Twenty other families who don’t know what’s happening behind the closed doors, whether their lives will ever be the same again, [dash instead] whether they’ll be attending a funeral in three days. |
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They make sure they to keep the waiting rooms quiet, though. |
Just because of the multiple they's.
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| “Is he going to be all right? Will Brendan be all right?” |
It only seems realistic for her to say one question, not two, especially two that mean the same thing.
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| I should go over, [no comma] and cover his ears, but I’m frozen. |
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| My parents stand there, [no comma] looking like naïve little children. |
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| The doctor holds a clipboard in front of his stomach. The ink smudges slightly under his fingers. |
You already said he had a clipboard. Try combing these two, then I won't get all picky.  The doctor's fingers lifted from the papers on the clipboard to reveal the smudged ink. Something better, but yeah. ^_^
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| They’ll need the physical action to make them believe it. |
Physical action? That doesn't sound right to me, lol. They want to hear it for themselves? They want proof? Um..
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| As I cross the room, my eyes meet the doctor’s, [no comma] a second before he tells him. |
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| When something bad happens, people have three ways to deal with it. They can ignore it completely, be upset but move on, or be stuck in grief. |
I'm thinking colon usage. When something bad happens, people have three ways to deal with it: They can ignore it completely, be upset but move on, or be stuck in grief.
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| My father is the first, and, [no comma] following his example, so is Matty. |
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| they’ve done this so many times before that they have it down to a science. |
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She could barely made make it in the front door before she burst out crying |
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| The other side wants me to follow my mother’s example, [dash instead?] to break down and cry right now on this staircase. |
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| It’s the same as it was last night. His clothes lay on the ground. Papers cover his desk, falling onto his wooden chair. His blankets are pulled back to the foot of the bed, and there’s an indent on the mattress from where he’s slept, night after night, year after year. |
Just playing with punctuation here, and you can witness it.
It's left the same was as it was last night: his clothes lay on the ground; papers cover his desk, scattered on his chair as well; his blankets are pulled back to the foot of the bed, an indent on the mattress from where he's slept night after night, year after year...
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| I blink my eyes, and, [no comma] just for a second, the room changes. |
Woah, ending gave me goosebumps. o.o
Moving onward!
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Vernon
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| Posted: Sat Apr 19, 2008 4:48 pm Post subject: |
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Firstly I'll give my title suggestion: Abstract Reaction.
Now on with review this story struck me as very well written. You do show, but you tell more. Maybe descrease that scale.
I love how ya immeadiatly make it obvious someone dead It's true about funerals when my Grandad died the funeral wasn't for a few weeks. Three seems way too fast.
The hospital out of all the scenes seems the barest, it's where he died, (oh and what killed him?) Straying from point, it's hospital so many things you could notice, the sterile air. The various people and what they've got about them. Has one got a cast another in a wheelchair? Build on that.
Maybe it's just me but I've never seen Donovan spelt with an 'i'.
Overall: I liked reading it and you've ag reat idea, you just lose a lot of your description and showing in the Hospital. Hope this helps.
Good luck
VSN
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ashleylee
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| Posted: Sun Apr 20, 2008 2:43 am Post subject: |
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Very Good!
I only noticed one thing this time:
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His stethoscope swings side to side as he sways on his feet. |
I think you should add the word from in here between swings and the first side. I think that makes the sentence flow better.
Anyway, this is a very good start to your parts. You did really well with it.
And to answer your question about the MC and her being a girl. I had not a problem noticing that she was a girl. I guess I just assumed she was because of her actions and everything. I believe you did a very good job about giving your MC girly actions so that you don't even have to come out and say "Yes, my MC is a girl!"
Well, I am on to part Two!
Keep Writing! |
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JFW1415
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| Posted: Wed Apr 23, 2008 3:12 am Post subject: |
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This has now been edited.
Please give more critique! It's due soon!
~JFW1415 |
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In response to hearing my new story idea: "Aunt April": Oookaaay. You are one sick little puppy aren't you? |
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kitty15
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| Posted: Wed Apr 23, 2008 7:52 pm Post subject: |
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Two small suggestions -
Apparently she looks just like me, but I don’t think I’ve ever looked that weak. [Describe her! Say something like 'She has my long, straggly blond hair and pale green eyes - we're apparently very alike. But I've never looked so weak. My hair didn't hang in tangles, my eyes weren't wrung with tears and my shoulders didn't shake with every sob.' Just add that bit more description and through it, show us emotion and contrast.]
Ten other families who don’t know what’s happening behind the closed doors, whether their lives will ever be the same again, whether they’ll they will [it's more dramatic] be attending a funeral in a few days.
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Other than that, the same comments as before - more description and emotion wouldn't hurt. You haven't made that many changes so I'll not comment further but good work so far,
Heather xx |
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