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JFW1415
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 Posted: Sat Apr 19, 2008 1:09 am Post subject: Promises Not Kept (Part Three of Three) |
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Here's the revised version of He's Just Human, with a new title. There is one swear (mild) in this part.
Currently being edited. |
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Last edited by JFW1415 on Mon Jul 21, 2008 5:53 pm; edited 6 times in total |
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JabberHut
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| Posted: Sat Apr 19, 2008 3:38 am Post subject: |
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Part Three! 
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| Relative after relative walks up to me. They hug me until I can’t breath, they kiss me with their sticky lips, they cry in my hair. And I stand there and take it all, because that’s what I’m supposed to do. |
Relative after relative walks up to me; they hug me until I can't breath, they kiss me with their sticky lips, they cry in my hair -- I stand there and take it all because that's what I'm supposed to do.
*shrug*
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| Eyes have been on me all whole night. |
Choose one! 
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| I’m stuck somewhere in between, [dash] unfeeling, uncaring. |
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| He’s too old to be doing that, but she likes to baby him, and he likes taking advantage of it. |
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| He looks above the rows of heads to the open casket where his son lies, [no comma?] motionless. |
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But on his cheek, there’s the first tear I’ve ever seen his him shed. |
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| I don’t believe that my mother’s weak, [no comma] or that my father has cried. |
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| I half-expect him to respond, but, [no comma] of course, he doesn’t. |
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| His face is pale, and I know that, [no comma] if I touch his skin, it’ll be cold. He still looks like himself, though. |
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| He doesn’t move, and I think tell myself that this is the hardest part. |
Choose one.
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| It fits snugly, but it feels perfect there. |
Is that not redundant? 
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My legs shake beneath me, but my face in is still. |
Ending
I liked the ending. But maybe it would be more effective if you ended with something about her being able to walk away while her brother could never do that? Something effective like that? *shrug*
Otherwise, I think it's fine. I like how you ended with her knowing she can still forgive him. It's sweet. 
Title
Ugh.. I'm not good with titles.  It's a good choice for one, though. Maybe try to find a quote in your story you really like and make a title from it.
To Live Another Day -- "I’m able to stand and walk out the door, into the sun, and live another day. "
To Forgive but Never Forget -- "I can’t forget it, but I can forgive him, and that’s enough. "
Maybe a theme that's repeated over and over?
Promises Aren't Always Promises
I'm bad with titles. Can't you tell? 
Overall
I loved this. It was so depressing, but so well written. It makes me happy to see you use more advanced grammar rules.
I wish I had more to add. You're sooo getting a good grade, or your teacher will have me to talk to. 
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| Posted: Sat Apr 19, 2008 4:07 am Post subject: Re: He's Just Human |
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Day Three
The funeral is hell.
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| Relative after relative walks up to me. They hug me until I can’t breath, they kiss me with their sticky lips, they cry in my hair. And I stand there and take it all, because that’s what I’m supposed to do. |
Damn, it already is depressing. 
I'm painfully in love with this story. It drowns us with the reality which is the hardest in itself. Losing someone, particularly one we consider our hero is unbearable. Too unbearable that words struggle to fit and connect with the emotions that are too strong for writing. But you my friend, have defied that damning peculiarity and made a brilliant manifestation of a life once loved....and always will be loved. 
TITLES--
1. Closed eyes [i am bad, but i wanna help!] ;P
2. Bittersweet tears.
3. My Brother [sometimes the simplest works]
4.Coming to the Casket [horror! lol]
5. His promise to break [so mushy but i felt a bead of tear emerge from the corner of my right eye.]
ENDING--
*applauds* |
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| Posted: Sat Apr 19, 2008 4:50 am Post subject: |
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Yay! Part three!
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| They hug me until I can’t breath, they kiss me with their sticky lips, they cry in my hair. |
I'm pretty sure it's meant to be breathe. Also, wouldn't Katherine be more likely to cry? Wouldn't the realitves try to hold it together? I don't really know, I've got no experience with this sort of thing.
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| Eyes have been on me all whole night |
I think you mean, Eyes have been on my all night, or, Eyes have been on my the whole night.
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I don’t think I’ve ever been more envious of Matty in my life. Never before have I wanted to be like him. I’ve always been grateful to be past that age, to be respected, to have responsibilities.
Now there’s nothing I’d like to do more than to go back to that time. I want to crawl into my aunt’s lap and cry. I want to be able to believe that all parents are super-heroes again, and that no brothers lie. |
This bi is really sweet. I've always been the one like her, and I think I always will be. My brothers and sister can break down around me, but I'd be the one still standing, making sure everything goes on.
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| The rest of my family and friends have left now. They’re piling into the cars, getting ready to go to the burial, but I asked to be alone for a minute. The casket is still open, and I walk up to it. |
If they were going to the burial, wouldn't the casket and body have gone first?
I liked it. The whole thing was really sweet, but very real. I can't think of a better title at the moment, and I thought the ending was pretty good, but not the best.
Overall, you did a really good job! |
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Alainna
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| Posted: Sat Apr 19, 2008 12:10 pm Post subject: |
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Hey, the final part!
I don't think the ending is as weak as you believe it to be. I didn't cry so maybe that needs to become your goal. To make the reader cry or at least sniffle.
I think the length was good as you don't want to over-milk it. We would become bored otherwise and sometimes it's better to have a little less than more.
I'm sorry if I repeat anything the others have said - I scanned through their comments and will try not to say the same things.
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| But I’m not Matty’s age. I’m fifteen. |
Semi colon instead of full stop perhaps?
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| It looks bare without the band, but I don’t think anyone will care where he’s going. |
It what? I think you need to put 'His wrist' at the beginning.
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| But I do it anyway. |
You could get rid of the but. It's more dramatic that way.
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| but my face in still. |
Is instead of 'in'.
Overall, an excellent ending and a well written part. As to your titles, I see where your current one fits in but it is a little.....meh. Sounds a bit Fantasy for some reason.
I think I last said to you Three Days. Still weak......
Perhaps Promises or go with Jabber's To Forgive but Never Forget.
I'll be amazed if you don't get an A on this! Good luck!
Alainna
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Azila
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| Posted: Sat Apr 19, 2008 3:21 pm Post subject: |
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I didn't really read the other peoples' nitpicks, just the overalls. If I repeat something, please forgive me.
-Nitpicks-
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| My mother has to go to another room she’s crying so hard, but people pretend not to notice. |
I think there should be a semi-colon (or at least a comma) after "room."
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| You can hear her sobs from here, and the priest’s voice breaks every once in a while when they become particularly loud. |
I don't like the second person here. Maybe try saying "I can hear..." or even "We can hear..."
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| My father’s in the back of the room, talking to the funeral parlor owner in hushed voices. |
This should either be "...he and the funeral parlor owner are talking in hushed voices." or "...talking to the funeral parlor owned in a hushed voice." You see? If it's two people who you describe as doing the talking, then you can say "voices" but if it's just one, then it should just be "voice."
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| But on his cheek, there’s the first tear I’ve ever seen his shed. |
*him.
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| I know that parents and brothers are just human, and that they have to break down sometime. |
*sometimes(?)
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| They have to cry, to break promises – it’s the thing that makes them real. |
Because you give two examples, you should say "...those are the things that make them real," I think.
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| His face is pale, and I know that, if I touch his skin, it’ll be cold. |
You can delete the comma after "that" and the one after "skin."
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| He doesn’t move, and I think tell myself that this is the hardest part. |
One or the other, not both.
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| My legs shake beneath me, but my face in still. |
*is.
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| I can’t forget it, but I can forgive him, and that’s enough. |
I think this should either be "I can't forget him, but I can forgive him..." or "I can't forget it, but I can forgive it..." just for repetition's sake.
____________________
-Overall-
I think that it drags a tad. I know that her thoughts are jumbled and confused, but I still feel like the narrative is repetitive. I would like to see it be a little more to-the-point. Also, you might want to lead up to the final sentiment a little more. Then again, you might not -- it's up to you. *shrug*
Something that I noticed is that you use the word "but" a lot. I guess it's not really an ERROR, it's just kind of annoyingly repetitive.
Also, you start A LOT of your sentences with "I"... I know it's hard not to when writing in the present tense, but it can get bothersome.
Ending--I actually liked the ending. It's realistic, and bittersweet and emotional without being soppy. I wouldn't do anything to it.
Title--I kind of like what it is now, thought I might change it to "Only/Just Human" (without the "he's"). I also like Alainna's suggestion of "Three Days." You could also o with something super-simple, like "Brendon" or "Gone."
Please PM me with questions/comments!
Hope this helps.
~Azila~ |
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ashleylee
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| Posted: Sun Apr 20, 2008 2:07 am Post subject: |
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I'm sorry if I am repeating things that others wrote above ^^^^^^ but here's the things that I spotted:
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| I’m stuck somewhere in between, unfeeling, uncaring. |
I think you need an and in here somewhere. Like, maybe, you could write it like this: I'm stuck somewhere inbetween unfeeling and uncaring.
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| My mother has to go to another room she’s crying so hard, but people pretend not to notice. |
\
You need a because in here so it reads: My mother has to go to another room because she's crying so hard, but people pretend not to notice.
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| Her make-up has been smudged all night. |
This is an awkward sentence. I think you need to reword this or something.
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| Nothing changes. His body doesn’t shake, he doesn’t frown, he doesn’t speak. But on his cheek, there’s the first tear I’ve ever seen his shed. |
Umm, I think you meant him in this and you are missing that so that the second sentence reads: But on his cheek, there's the first tear that I've ever seen him shed.
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| I know I’m supposed to fit in there somewhere. I’m supposed to break through this hard exterior and give up, let it all out, cry. |
In the second sentence, you need to add an and in there somewhere. Maybe write it like: I'm supposed to break through this hard exterior and give up, let it all out and cry.
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| He doesn’t move, and I think tell myself that this is the hardest part. |
I think you accidently added think in this sentence. So, I suggest to cut that out.
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| But I do it anyway. My legs shake beneath me, but my face in still. |
I think you meant is instead of in in this sentence at the end there.
Okay, with that done, I think you have a very emotional piece. It almost brought me to tears so well done!
I'm in kind of a hurry at the present time but when I do have time, I'll go back to read your other parts. But I might not remember, so you might need to PM me to remind me! |
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yoha_ahoy
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| Posted: Sun Apr 20, 2008 3:04 am Post subject: |
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You've really captured the mood in the funeral of that stuck in between feeling. I've experienced this, and that's just what it's like. Nice descriptions.
"But on his cheek, there’s the first tear I’ve ever seen his shed." Should be 'him.'
The second part of this separated between the ----'s seems unecessary. Most of it you had already mentioned in the first part, and the rest of it I think can be incorporated better and in a different way. I would change it. (That would help with your page-length issue too.
Very emotional. I liked it. It's very realistic as well. I got a teensy bit teary eyed. As for your title problem, I'd have it have something to do with the brother. You mention the character's close connection to her brothers a few times, so I think that would link it well to a title. You don't have any grammar or spelling issues that I spotted. Good luck and keep writing! I liked this a lot!
~Yoyo  |
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Sam
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| Posted: Mon Apr 21, 2008 4:51 am Post subject: |
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Oh my goodness, JFW, I am so sad that this is the last part. XD This story owns my life. Seriously.
LOOSE ENDS
The one thing that stuck me about your ending was that it felt unsatisfying. These are great characters, and great setting, and your emotion is spot on, but it still felt kind of empty. Why? I know a lot about this situation, but I don't know all of it. (Granted, I know you have a page limit, so we'll discuss that in a bit.)
Take my current lovechild, for example [truncated ramble time], which is about hate crime.
1) Body is found.
2) People freak out.
3) Possible motives are discussed.
4) Actual murder is described.
5) Resolution.
You had everything that I have, except for number four. I hate writing murder scenes, and death scenes in general, but in first person, people are generally vague enough to warrant them--or at least to warrant a basic, frank description so that your reader knows what's going on. I know Brendan's death had something to do with drugs and lying, but how does that lead to death? Did he OD? Did they kill him? Did he drive while high?
So, you have a page limit. If needed, I would cut out some of the grieving scenes, or mash them together. Why? If we know just what occurred, it's likely that we'll be grieving a little ourselves, and so other peoples' tears will simply seem redundant.
__
As usual, if you have any questions or post something else that you want me to take a look at, poke me. ^_^ |
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JFW1415
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| Posted: Wed Apr 23, 2008 3:17 am Post subject: |
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This has been updated, and has a new title.
Please critique! This is due soon. 
~JFW1415 |
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gyrfalcon
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| Posted: Thu Apr 24, 2008 10:17 pm Post subject: |
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Truly lovely, darling, and I am sorry that this comes after the due date, but I really want to let you know I loved it! You've done a really excellent job here, darling, it's amazing to see how much you improve from one "chapter/episode" to the next; it tells me you have real talent and potential. You got the human emotion down nearly flawlessly, and the bit with the wristband really connected with me personally like nothing before. *takes hat off to a great piece*
Just a couple little nitpicks, as I see everyone else has given you the full spiel:
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| but I don’t think anyone will care where he’s going. |
I think you mean "he won't care, where he's going." The way you have worded now makes it seem that no one cares that he's dead, or where he's going after death.
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| I thought finding his body – so close to death – was heart wrenching. |
Had to read this twice to realize you mean when she found him ODed--maybe insert something like "I thought finding him in his room - so close to death-..." or whathaveyou. Anyway, as I've said, a delight story, darling. Keep writing! |
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JFW1415
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| Posted: Tue Apr 29, 2008 12:20 am Post subject: |
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I edited once more. The version that is posted now is the one I turned in. I am still planning on fixing the emotions, hospital scene, etc. - all the content suggestions you made that I didn't have time to do before.
Thanks everyone!
~JFW1415 |
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In response to hearing my new story idea: "Aunt April": Oookaaay. You are one sick little puppy aren't you? |
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Jamie_rocks
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| Posted: Wed Apr 30, 2008 2:16 am Post subject: |
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| I like it, and I know you had a page limit, but I think you should re-do it now that the assignment is over, make it a bit longer. Also, maybe it's just me, but with the way this ended I don't get what the purpose of the flashbacks were in the first and second parts, if you do and up doing anything with this piece you may want to do something about that. Other than that, you have a lot of talent when it comes to writing. I seriously think this could be turned into a short novel with enough work, instead of just a short story. |
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BigBadBear
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| Posted: Thu May 08, 2008 12:13 am Post subject: |
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Ack!
You can't be serious! This is the end?! Ugh! This was way too good. Too good for my eyes. xD Anyway, you've edited like mad, so I couldn't spot any grammar issues. This is just too good to waste.
You seriously need to get this published. It's just so heart wrenching... so emotional. So real. There's nothing more to say about it.
It was absolutely perfect. I'm not kidding.
If I can ask, what grade did you get on it? I'm sure it was the best story that was turned in. Man, I wish I could write like you.
-Jared |
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| Posted: Fri May 09, 2008 2:46 am Post subject: hey! |
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dude, you're so awesome! this totally rocked! very sad, but awesomely written! Kudos, I've got nothin but praise for ya. I would also like to say thanks for reviewing my story, and I have another one up--not the second chapterto the one I've already written (which I have renamed 'Gangster') but a prologue to one that I am planning on being the first book I publish.
If you could review that, that'd be awesome! you totally rock!!!! |
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