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To Drown
To Drown

by BumbleBear in Lyric Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction

This thread was created on April 12, 2008
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The Gate of Glendon- Prologue
The Gate of Glendon- Chapters 1 & 2

The Gate of Glendon- Chapters 3 & 4

Topic ID: 28716
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chocoholic   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 12, 2008 10:13 am    Post subject: The Gate of Glendon- Chapters 3 & 4 Reply with quote

CHAPTER THREE

“Don’t be so modest, Carrie,” William said. “You’re very good. I’ve seen you.”

I glared at him.

“Thank you,” I said through clenched teeth. “But I’m really not very good.”

He was embarrassing me! I was blushing so hard. Mother glared at me, and I turned back to William and tried to smile, but I didn’t contradict what I said. William blushed and smiled at me, and then I turned back to my food, while the King began asking Kaya questions.

After dinner everyone went back into the parlour. I looked up at the clock n the wall, it read 8:37. Groaning inwardly, I accepted the glass of wine that was offered to me and took a sip, ignoring the adult’s conversation. Kaya had gone back to reading, Lynn was nowhere to be seen and William was sitting next to me silently.

I stood up and took Gabriel from Mother, who looked grateful.

“I’ll take him outside,” I said, and left the room. The palace grounds were huge, even bigger than our own, but I knew them well. I had spent half of my childhood at the palace, and most of that outside.

“You’re lucky Gabriel,” I whispered, opening a gate that led to a pool. “You’re hardly expected to marry Lynnette. Maybe another child, if they have one, but that’s unlikely. I have to marry that prat William.”

I sat down on the edge of pool, dangling my legs in with my dressed hiked up to my waist. Gabriel smiled up at me, his big brown eyes dancing with joy. He looked like that all the time, it didn’t matter what. As far as Gabriel knew, everything in the world was great.

“Don’t look at me like that,” I groaned, and lay back, sitting my brother on my stomach.

“Hello.”

Lynn was sitting next to me, her legs gently moving in the water. I hadn’t noticed her, but she must have followed me from the palace.

“What did you hear?” I asked sharply.

“Nothing.”

I nodded and turned my head.

“He’s going to propose to you tonight,” Lynn said. “He has to. And you have to accept,” she sighed. “Look, I know you don’t like my brother, or anyone, for that matter, but he’s in love with you. At least pretend to like him, and then, maybe, if you try hard enough, you will.”

I let a tear fall from my face.

“Look Lynn, I don’t like William and I never will. I’ll accept his proposal, but only because I have to.”

I heard her stand up and walk away. Gabriel wiped a tear off my face.

“Ca-i sad?”

I put me hand on his cheek and smiled.

“Ca-i happy.”

CHAPTER FOUR

She was going to accept the proposal! That was all I asked! Will would be devastated and humiliated if she turned him down. But she was going to accept! Who cared if she didn’t love him, or even like him? You don’t have to like a person to marry them. Mother and Father hated each other at the best of times, but she stayed with him and bore his children.

“Have you seen Carrie?” Will asked me, his hands shaking. I put mine over his and smiled at him. I may have been two years younger than Will, but I was by far the more mature and confident one.

“No,” I lied. “She went outside before, but I haven’t seen her since.”

Will nodded and left, going outside to look for her. It was 9:20, he still had over two hours before the proposal.

I stood still for a moment, and then ran out to my brother.

“Will, don’t talk t her just yet. Give her some time alone.”

He stopped in his tracks and looked at me weirdly. He really didn’t know anything about girls, and he was in love with Carrie. The problem was, she wasn’t in love with him.

“Do you think she’ll say yes?” he asked me eagerly.

I rolled my eyes and started walking to my bedroom, where he followed me to. I grabbed my mascara off the dresser and started applying it.

“She might,” I said slowly. “If you stop acting like this. You’re being way too eager, and girls think that’s pathetic. Of course,” I paused and looked at him, “Carrie’s not just any girl.”

Will blinked. If he was smart, he sure had a weird way of showing it. I put my mascara down and turned to face him.

“Stop worrying. You’ll be fine. Of course she’ll accept.”

What I didn’t tell him was that Carrie would only accept because of her parents. Will nodded, and left my room, mumbling something that I assumed was his proposal speech under his breath.


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PostPosted: Sat Apr 19, 2008 11:46 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hi Rosie, sorry that this one took so long to get round to doing - I was beyond busy yesterday and every time I went to reply to this I was called away or my internet connection failed etc.

So, here we go! First of all, I'm finding these chapters a lot better than the prologue. I like the fact that you are putting in more action and I'm starting to see a little bit more description. (Yay!)

Few things:

Quote:
CHAPTER THREE

As I previously suggested I think you need to put the name of the narrator under the chapter heading so we know whose POV it is from before we start.

Quote:
He was embarrassing me! I was blushing so hard.

I think instead of the first sentence (which is a bit weak) you can just start with the second sentence. We will know what you're saying and then you can go into more detail from there; describing her emotions and thoughts.

Quote:
but I didn’t contradict what I said.

I don't really know what the 'but' is doing there. Scrap it so the sentence makes sense.

Quote:
looked up at the clock n the wall, it read 8:37.

Should be 'on'. Also, 'it read' doesn't flow amazingly so I suggest you try:
I looked up at the clock on the wall - eight thirty-seven.

Quote:
I had spent half of my childhood at the palace, and most of that outside.

This is interesting and I'd like to know more here. Some info (though don't info dump!) on her past years at the palace etc.

Quote:
CHAPTER FOUR

Again, the same problem with POV, even more so because we cut to Lynn. At first I thought that it was William speaking.

Quote:
She was going to accept the proposal! That was all I asked! Will would be devastated and humiliated if she turned him down. But she was going to accept!

Lots of exclamation marks here and to be honest it drags this down. Take most of them out - I suggest you leave one otherwise the effect is lost.

Overall, it's getting better and I'm now enjoying the storyline and becoming more intrigued. I still have a few things:
- POV You need to make sure that we know who is the narrator and what person the part is in. Also, I was confused as to why Carrie is know in 1st person when in Chapter 1 she is in 3rd person. I think you should change chapter 1 to 1st person as you seem stronger in 1st.
-Description I keep going on about it because it's so important. You have to develop your world and your characters so the reader gets lost in them. I actually think it would be a good idea for you to read the first 3 Chapters of Lord of the Rings if you haven't before - it's a good example of in-depth description. I wouldn't think you need to go as far as Tolkien does but you would see how important it is. As for emotion, My Sister's Keeper (which I think you have read, am I right?). Search through some of the mother's POV and see how her emotions are what explains her part in the story and her character.

Good luck and keep writing - you are definitely improving.

Pm me when you post any more or post on my critique thread.

Alainna
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 19, 2008 10:01 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hello!

I'm back.

-Nitpicks-

Quote:
He was embarrassing me! I was blushing so hard.
I agree with Alainna in that you really don't need that first sentence.

Quote:
After dinner everyone went back into the parlour.
Comma after "dinner," I believe.

Quote:
I looked up at the clock n the wall, it read 8:37.
For one thing, that should be "on" rather than "n" and for another thing, I think the comma should be a semi-colon, colon, dash or even a period.

Quote:
He looked like that all the time, it didn’t matter what.
You should either say what doesn't matter (like "...it didn’t matter what was going on around him.") or just delete everything after the comma.

Quote:
I may have been two years younger than Will, but I was by far the more mature and confident one.
You should just say "him" here, rather than "Will."

Quote:
It was 9:20, he still had over two hours before the proposal.
Whaa? It's scheduled? That seems strange to me. *shrug*

Quote:
“Will, don’t talk t her just yet. Give her some time alone.”
*to.

Quote:
He really didn’t know anything about girls, and he was in love with Carrie. The problem was, she wasn’t in love with him.
The bold part really isn't necessary... we already know that he loves her and she doesn't love him. Wink

Quote:
I rolled my eyes and started walking to my bedroom, where he followed me to.
The last part seems awkward to me. Why don't you just make it a separate sentence? Something like: "I rolled my eyes and started walking to my bedroom. He followed me."

---------------------------------------------

-Overall Impressions-

POV
I definitely agree with Alainna in that you need to clear this problem up. I don't actually mind wondering who's POV it is in the beginning of the chapter (at first I didn't like it, but it's growing on me) but you should be consistent. Not all the characters have to be in 1st person, but if they are at one point they always should be. ^_~

Exclamation-point Overload!
Quote:
She was going to accept the proposal! That was all I asked! Will would be devastated and humiliated if she turned him down. But she was going to accept!
I know you're trying to be enthusiastic, but let me tell you something! When you overuse exclamation-points, they lose their power! They just start to sound corny! And they make your readers annoyed!

Description
I hate to just echo Alainna, but I will have to agree with her again here: you need a lot more description. This could help not only with giving your readers a mental picture of what stiff looks/smells/sounds like, but it can also help with character development. I want to know how the characters' features reflect their personalities. Please add more imagery.

PM me if I was unclear about anything.

Hope this helps.
~Azila~

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PostPosted: Thu May 01, 2008 12:25 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I liked it a lot. It was confusing though between the chapters where one is in someone's POV and another is someone else's. I think it would be better if you told the reader what person's POV it will be in so the reader doesn't get confused. I'm really pining to read more of it. It was really good! Very Happy

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PostPosted: Fri May 02, 2008 8:11 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm back! Without my famous (hopefully Razz) review, though, since it's not needed.

Chapter Three

Quote:
After dinner everyone went back into the parlour. I looked up at the clock on the wall;, it read 8:37.


Quote:
I sat down on the edge of pool, dangling my legs in with my dressed hiked up to my waist.


Quote:
“He has to. And you have to accept.,sShe sighed.


She's not sighing the words out.

Quote:
“Ca-i sad?”

I put mye hand on his cheek and smiled.

“Ca-i happy.”


Is she a pirate? Laughing

Anyways, I loved this.

Chapter Four

Quote:
That was all I asked!


A little random...

Overall

Same as last time. Develop your characters and setting.

Characters: Why should I care what they're going through? And why are they acting this way? They need to be fleshed out a lot, or I really won't care about this story.

Setting: Very important, as this is fantasy. Are there servents? Maids? Is it quiet? Cold? Elves running around? What?

Again, sorry it's so short, but until you fix these two aspects it's hard to really critique.

PM me for anything.

~JFW1415

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PostPosted: Mon May 19, 2008 12:23 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

What I would really suggest, to expand on the others' comments is to slow down. Don't just get the story told. Take your time to get to know the world and characters. Even if you do know them, make sure that shows up on the page. You may know them, but we don't before reading it, and if we did know them before reading it, all those details really enhance the writing anyway.

One grammar nitpick:

"ignoring the adult’s conversation"

The apostrophe is in the wrong place. It shoudl go after the s, since you are refering to more than one adult.

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