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By Sun, By Moon - Chap. 9
By Sun, By Moon - Chap. 9

by KJ in Fantasy Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Historical Fiction

This thread was created on November 14, 2007
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The Cossack's Ride
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Prosithion   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Wed Nov 14, 2007 8:11 pm    Post subject: The Cossack's Ride Reply with quote

A cool, blustery, autumn wind whipped around the black coach as it rattled and clattered through the streets of St. Petersburg. There were two horses attached to said coach, one of which knew, from long years of hauling various owners through various parts of Russia, exactly what her driver wanted of her with the slightest flick of the whip. The other horse, however, was arrogant and sloppy, if such terms could be applied to horses. He was much clumsier then his companion, and required most of the driver’s attention. His rump was already smarting from the near constant cracks of the whip.

The coach rounded a corner and slowed, as it neared its destination.

The destination was a large brick block with large arch top windows on the first floor. The brick was old and weathered, as these buildings tend to be in these truly ancient cities. The current owners of this grand house were the Polenin’s, a wealthy and extraordinarily respected family. They hailed from the Ukraine, but had lived in St. Petersburg for many generations. The son of this family was a young Cossack named Ivan Arkadyevich Polenin. Ivan’s father was a lawyer in a prestigious St. Petersburg law firm. It was widely believed that Ivan would follow his father into the law firm after finishing his military service.

The coach contained, within its dark embrace, three people, clad in their best liveries. The first person was a landowner from the regions south of Moscow. He’d been a friend of Ivan’s father... a client in fact. A relative had left the man a large portion of land, and it seemed that the man, a military engineer by occupation, had abandoned the comforts and expectations of high St. Petersburg culture in favor of a more elegant and simple existence as a landowner.

His wife, the second person in the coach had been an important figure amongst the wealthy and decadent. The move to the country had been a source of contention between the woman and her husband, but he’d been adamant upon leaving the criminals and vagrants of high society, as he put it, so they’d moved and only on occasion did they return to St. Petersburg.

The third person in the coach was their son, a tall, lanky Nozdryonic(1) figure. He’d never been a friend of Ivan Polenin, who was too standoffish and quiet for his tastes, but he’d accompanied his parents at their bidding.

The coach jolted to a halt and the three got out, into the cold of the September evening. A butler was waiting at the door to greet them, take their coats, gloves, scarves, and hats, and show them into the parlor which had filled almost to capacity.

The son, Pyotr Dmitrivich, snickered to think that Ivan, his arch-nemesis from their younger years, likely knew about ten percent of the people present. The vast majority were colleagues, friends, and acquaintances of Ivan’s parents.

Pyotr, who had always despised Ivan for being and associating with cossacks, was horrified to discover that perhaps a dozen cossacks had been invited, and were well on their way to becoming completely intoxicated.

Then, as was certain to happen at some point throughout the evening, he spotted Ivan, dressed in his awful cossack’s uniform, sans the ornate cap, talking to a group of obviously stuffy people whom he’d probably never even met.

Here, we must leave our friend Pyotr in favor of a more entertaining and polite figure, the reason for the celebration himself, Ivan Arkadyevich Polenin.

(1)Nozdryonic referring to a character in Nikolai Gogol's Dead Souls.


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Last edited by Prosithion on Wed Nov 14, 2007 8:54 pm; edited 1 time in total
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PostPosted: Wed Nov 14, 2007 8:29 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This is well-written, with a perfect amount of prose--just enough to add beauty but not to much to make the reader constantly flip through a dictionary of metaphors. There are just a few small things I'd like to point out:

Quote:
The destination was a large brick block with large arch top windows on the first floor.


You say "large" twice in this sentence.

Quote:

The son, Pyotr Dmitrivich, snickered to think that Ivan, his arch-nemesis from their younger years, likely knew about ten percent of the people present. The vast majority were colleagues, friends, and acquaintances of Ivan’s parents.


"Arch-nemesis" is a bit of a harsh term. It makes it seem more like the rivalry between two almighty wizards than two boys.

Quote:
Pyotr, who had always despised Ivan for being and associating with cossacks, was horrified to discover that perhaps a dozen cossacks had been invited, and were well on their way to becoming completely intoxicated.

Then, as was certain to happen at some point throughout the evening, he spotted Ivan, dressed in his awful cossack’s uniform, sans the ornate cap, talking to a group of obviously stuffy people whom he’d probably never even met.

Here, we must leave our friend Pyotr in favor of a more entertaining and polite figure, the reason for the celebration himself, Ivan Arkadyevich Polenin.


This last scene is extremely rushed. Give the reader time to comprehend Pyotr's emotions and surroundings. Add sensory detail; what does he see, smell, and taste? How is the house furnished? How are the guests dressed? If the cossacks are all getting drunk, maybe have a refreshments table or something like that.

Also, your last paragraph pulls the attention to you, the writer. In some cases this works, but not here. This paragraph is entirely unessecary. Simply begin your next chapter from Ivan's point of view.

This is gorgeous and intriguing. Nice job!

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PostPosted: Wed Nov 14, 2007 8:52 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

well, I've been reading a lot of Russian liturature, and this is the general style in which most of it is written. So, the last paragraph is styled like the way Russian authors would have written it.


They aren't boys. They're 19-22. but I see your point with the use of arch-nemesis.


Thanks for the crit. I appreciate the help.

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PostPosted: Wed Nov 14, 2007 9:42 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
He was much clumsier then than his companion


Quote:
The destination was a large brick block with large arch top windows on the first floor.
The double usage of large doesn't really add anything to the description...

Quote:
The current owners of this grand house were the Polenin’s, a wealthy and extraordinarily respected family.
That doesn't need to be possessive. ^_~

Quote:
He’d been a friend of Ivan’s father... a client in fact.
I think you would do better with a comma rather than an ellipse.

Quote:
His wife, the second person in the coach [comma] had been an important figure amongst the wealthy and decadent.



Hah, just like you to refrence Dead Souls.

Quote:
The coach jolted to a halt and the three got out, into the cold of the September evening.
comma not needed.

Quote:
A butler was waiting at the door to greet them, take their coats, gloves, scarves, and hats, and show them into the parlor which had filled almost to capacity.


Quote:
Pyotr, who had always despised Ivan for being and associating with cossacks, was horrified to discover that perhaps a dozen cossacks had been invited, and were well on their way to becoming completely intoxicated.
Hah, I loved this.

Quote:
...talking to a group of obviously stuffy people whom he’d probably never even met.
"never even met" sounds a bit too modern. You might be better off saying something like "whom he'd (and again, would "he had" be better?) never met in the first place" anything but "even met". It just seems too modern.

Ah, was a nice little entrance. I think you could expand it a bit more, add to it, you know. Flesh out the characters, while you're at it. It would be Dostoevsky of you to explain the background of each character while they enter, wouldn't you think? Especially the rivalry between Pyotr and Ivan. There must be some silly reason behind it, and a long reason as to why one dislikes the other, or both dislike each other equally, or a humorous and ironic misunderstand that caused it all in the first place....

Wasn't bad, although I don't really think I liked how it entered focused on the horses. I think I would have liked the entrance to have focused on something more important, something you could expand on.... but ah, it's your entrance?

In any case! I do hope you find more time to write, as I would love to look at more pieces of it and try to get it as a whole. Je t'aime et bon chance!

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PostPosted: Wed Nov 14, 2007 10:36 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

wow...you got me hooked from the first sentence.

this might be just something that annoys me, but you tend to start your paragraphs with articles. It kind of dulls it. Just a little.

Otherwise, great job!!! Very Happy

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PostPosted: Fri Nov 30, 2007 7:34 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

The Story is amazing! the atmosphere was perfect!
i could'nt stop reading.

only a few mistakes that i noticed:
Quote:
The coach rounded a corner and slowed, as it neared its destination.

The destination was a large brick block with large arch top windows on the first floor.

you seem to keep repeating words, wich really stand out to me. it kan easily break thee flow of the story.

the names were russian and they sounded realistic.
it seem as though you have done some research, (and you have) and for that i am thankfull for, sometimes people just write about what they know and not what they need to know! (like me at a time)

i just want to know at what time is this story taking place? it would be quite interresting to know.

i read in a history book that the russians sometimmes used rollers/skates instead of weels on their coaches. (im not implying that this coach in the story needs one, only that you could use it later in your story perhaps?)

GREAT STORY!

vince

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PostPosted: Sat Dec 01, 2007 5:11 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The story takes place in 1812.

hope it helps. ^_~

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PostPosted: Sat Apr 19, 2008 7:42 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

First, I'd like to commend you on a very carefully crafted reflection of Russian literature. I think your description was lacking in places and your change in character perspectives not quite as smooth as it could have been but this was well written.

I agree with Suzie that introducing it by use of the horses wasn't great. I'd suggest going straight to talking of the characters or perhaps the coach driver or maybe even the scenery around them. Also, I'd like to see some character interaction, particularly when they're in the carriage. I'd suggest that you expand this and include some dialogue amongst the character's descriptions and backgrounds.

The scene inside the house lacks atmosphere a little. I think you need to describe this grand structure from the inside (and more from the outside too) and the layout of the room and how the people are stood or seated. That always seems to be a focal point of Russian literature. Maybe draw particular attention to the fact that there is a very diverse group of people, emphasise that.

Russian literature doesn't always include description of clothing and such but since you're writing this in modern times, I think it would be helpful if you did. At the moment, the reader gets a sense that this is set in Russia and certainly not in present times but (unless they're aquainted with this period of history) they will find it hard to visualise your scenes without an ample use of description.

If you don't mind moving away from the Russian style a little, I'd suggest you introduce less characters all at once and instead, concentrate on just two or three. Or at least to start with. Also, I'm not sure about referring to Pyotr as 'our friend' as the reader does not know him well enough but from what they do know, he does not seem the friendliest of people. Maybe 'our aquaintance' or 'our guest' would fit?

Overall, a good start and I'd love to read more or a re-write so feel free to pm me with links (or questions) and I hope this helps you a little,

Heather xx

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