Topic ID: 28832
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CK Lynn
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 Posted: Mon Apr 14, 2008 11:17 pm Post subject: Of Fire |
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Hmmm...not sure if this turned out exactly like I wanted it too, but I still like it.
There is She,
Who speaks of fire,
Dreams of stars.
She,
With a rust-red mane of tight-curled locks
And green eyes that sparkle
With demon’s mischief.
She is hidden
In the darkest place
Not good, nor evil,
But her power?
Frightening.
Sometimes, when I am alone,
I am She
A wraith, a spirit
A slice of soul
Uncomprehendable, different, mighty.
Changed.
Changed to She,
Who whispers to the flames,
Who wishes to be in the night,
High, high in the night.
Where no one can touch her.
Sometimes, when I am alone,
I am She.
Who speaks of fire
And dreams of stars. |
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And when the moment came that the Gods went too far, she would be there--and she would tear them all down. |
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Maki-Chan
Ganbaru! I will do my best!
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| Posted: Tue Apr 15, 2008 12:02 am Post subject: |
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| I rather liked this one. Its form is interesting and intreaging. I give it a 8.5/10. Well done. |
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blacktiger3915
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| Posted: Tue Apr 15, 2008 5:04 pm Post subject: |
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| Nice. I liked it very much. Great job though! |
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CK Lynn
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| Posted: Wed Apr 16, 2008 10:33 pm Post subject: |
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| Thanks for the crits! |
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And when the moment came that the Gods went too far, she would be there--and she would tear them all down. |
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x-tears-x
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| Posted: Thu Apr 17, 2008 12:54 am Post subject: |
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| mmmm...nice read. |
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God
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| Posted: Thu Apr 17, 2008 4:33 pm Post subject: |
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| very original idea, i like the way you wrote about [Fire?] as a living thing. but can i ask why you refer to it as feminine? |
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CK Lynn
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| Posted: Thu Apr 17, 2008 5:47 pm Post subject: |
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| Well, its not really supposed to be about fire, just kind of about how this girl sees herself, as this other being. |
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mizz-iceberg
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| Posted: Sat Apr 19, 2008 4:45 pm Post subject: |
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Well I was thinking you were personifying fire as God mentioned. But you're post after that got me confused. It that's what you trying to show, then you need to work that idea more into your poem. It doesn't have to be extremely obvious, but I think you want your reader to understand the poem better.
See if you can work that out. Other than that, I really liked it, the imagery and the similies were very fitting. |
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aestar101
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| Posted: Sat Apr 19, 2008 5:31 pm Post subject: |
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| I liked it. It was good. The imagry was excellent. |
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Charliebo
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| Posted: Tue Apr 29, 2008 7:43 pm Post subject: |
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I thought it was original - the repetitive ideas were few and worked really nicely!
Maybe steer clear of breaking up lines in a poem like this, i.e lines like 'High, high in the night.' as, when i read it, it made my reading judder whereas the rest of the poem was quite smooth.
Although, this may have been your intention, and if so, ignore me! 
good luck with your other work! |
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CK Lynn
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| Posted: Mon May 19, 2008 2:59 pm Post subject: |
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| Does anyone have a suggestion for a better title? |
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