Topic ID: 28840
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PsychicNinja
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 Posted: Tue Apr 15, 2008 12:29 am Post subject: A Pierced Heart |
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Love blossoms like a rose,
And it twists and turns;
It is tested.
But then, as the fledgling world explodes
With brilliant light,
A sword is thrown.
Like a dagger, it pierces the heart,
Spilling the sweet nectar of devotion and desire
Over the carpet of a tainted soul. |
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Last edited by PsychicNinja on Tue Apr 15, 2008 10:52 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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JabberHut
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| Posted: Tue Apr 15, 2008 12:57 am Post subject: |
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Hi there! It's been ages since I saw some of your work, even if it is for a class. 
Well, you sure mastered your punctuation here. I have no suggestions down that route. ^^
Your imagery was excellent. I pictured the entire thing.
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| Love blossoms like a rose |
Beautiful simile here!
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| And it twists and turns; |
Alliteration! Well done!
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| Spilling the sweet nectar of devotion and desire |
You're just chuck full of alliteration today, aren't you! 
*double-checks to see if her review looks like a crit*
Sweet. Mission accomplished! 
Good job! Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only! |
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Maki-Chan
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| Posted: Tue Apr 15, 2008 1:15 am Post subject: |
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Wow. This is short, but I believe that it is a good thing. If you'd dragged it on it probably would of not of been good as now.
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| Over the carpet of a tainted soul. |
no clue why, but I just love this part. ^_^ |
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yoha_ahoy
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| Posted: Tue Apr 15, 2008 7:14 pm Post subject: |
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Mmmm, short poem. Me likey!
The first line is really cliche. That's about my biggest complaint. If there was something you chould change it to that was less cliche, that'd be great. But I can understand if you don't change it.
"Spilling the sweet nectar of devotion and desire/ Over the carpet of a tainted soul."
I looove these last two lines. Brilliant.
There would be some minor changes I would do to make this a little easier to read:
Love blossoms like a rose,
[take out 'and']it twists and turns;
and it is tested.
But then, as the fledgling world explodes
with a brilliant light,
a sword is thrown.
Like a dagger, it pierces the heart,
spilling the sweet nectar of devotion and desire
over the carpet of a tainted soul.
And unless the double spacing provides some sort of service to the poem, you can do without, but I don't mind it. 
Beautiful though! I enjoyed this! Keep writing!
~Yoyo  |
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aestar101
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| Posted: Tue Apr 15, 2008 11:40 pm Post subject: |
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| Love it! It has so much depth. I was imaging a rose when I was reading this. Great! |
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Adnamarine
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| Posted: Tue Apr 15, 2008 11:43 pm Post subject: |
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Ooohh, yoyo. Tsk tsk. First line = lovely!
Me likey, Timea!!! (I'm in a weird mood.)
I especially like the first part and the last. The middle was slightly strange for me, just a little.
"A sword is thrown.
Like a dagger, it pierces the heart," I think I'd either make this just a dagger, or take out the line "like a dagger." How would it pierce the heart like a dagger? They're practically the same thing, just one is bigger...
I think that's the only think I would change:) This was de'lovely.
Keep writing!
*adna* |
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OverEasy
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| Posted: Tue Apr 15, 2008 11:56 pm Post subject: |
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| I really like this a lot. It's hard to do something that is done so often and really make it your own, and you have done that here |
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zoeybird13024
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| Posted: Wed Apr 16, 2008 12:11 am Post subject: |
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I agree--the first and last lines were lovely. I loved the imagery. The middle was a little awkward due to phrasing and such, but that's already been brought up so I won't go into that and repeat everything.
That was a very nice poem! Nice and short! I would suggest adding just one more line, though. You don't have to--it'd still be nice without it--but try adding one more in the middle to see how the flow works. |
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blacktiger3915
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| Posted: Wed Apr 16, 2008 12:16 am Post subject: |
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| I liked it, but for some reason it came to me as being a typicial heart-felt poem. Anyway don't mind me, keep writing. |
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October Girl
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| Posted: Wed Apr 16, 2008 12:26 am Post subject: |
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Timea, this work is amazing, I'm very proud of you. I think you should submite this to a poetry contest. This piece is amazing. I'm truly in love with it
-Max |
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Conrad Rice
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| Posted: Thu Apr 17, 2008 3:19 am Post subject: |
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| This is a very good piece of poetry. Short, but extremely good. The imagery conveyed in this is very powerful and vivid. Kudos! |
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Lil_Pau
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| Posted: Fri Apr 18, 2008 2:34 am Post subject: |
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| A short but beautiful poem. It had a lot of imagery, like Conrad Rice (& others) had mentioned. Good work! |
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W1ldF1r3
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| Posted: Sat Apr 19, 2008 8:29 am Post subject: |
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| Excellent poem, short but powerful, last two lines were genuis. |
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W1ldF1r3
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| Posted: Sat Apr 19, 2008 8:31 am Post subject: |
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| EDIT: whoops sorry, mustve posted twice by accident |
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Vernon
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| Posted: Sat Apr 19, 2008 12:13 pm Post subject: Re: A Pierced Heart |
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| PsychicNinja wrote: |
Love blossoms like a rose, (Too cliche, why can't a Dandelon represent love?)
And as it twists and turns; (Just what it needed, it flows better now!)
It is tested.
But then, as the fledgling world explodes (Hmm, try another word here, instead of explode.)
With brilliant light, (Try shine)
A sword is thrown. (I think dagger would be more effective here)
Like a dagger, it pierces the heart, (And it's now a dagger, huh?)
Spilling the sweet nectar of devotion and desire
Over the carpet of a tainted soul. (Best two lines in the poem!) |
Overall: I love it! But, make those changes, and I'll look at it again. Great poem, short but still totally effective.)
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