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The Space Between.
The Space Between.

by PenguinAttack in Romantic Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Other Fiction

This thread was created on April 11, 2008
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Curiosum Flagrat Ut Ignum (Curiosity Burneth Like a Fire)
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PostPosted: Sat Apr 12, 2008 1:58 am    Post subject: Curiosum Flagrat Ut Ignum (Curiosity Burneth Like a Fire) Reply with quote

This is based on a true story, but it's been substantially altered so I think it fits better in this forum than in Non-fiction.

Curiosum Flagrat Ut Ignis

“Notebook and folder, check, Bible, check, pencil case, che—wait, what’s that?”

Rebecca snatched the two-inch-square Post-it off the inside of her mustard-yellow locker door. She blinked as the sunlight from the window behind her struck the slip of hot pink paper.

“ ‘Dearest Rebecca,’ ” she read, and then stopped. “ ‘Dearest?’ ” She shrugged and continued. “ ‘I simply you! Your singing makes my flutter.’ What? Simply you, my flutter? Ohhh…those two hearts aren’t decoration, they’re words. Okay: ‘Dearest Rebecca, I simply love you! Your singing makes my heart flutter.’ ”

She flipped the note over. It was signed, “Ben,” with a third heart in front for “Love.”

“Oh good grief. Some crazy person tried to April Fool me. Theresa, have a look at this, will you?” Rebecca tapped her best friend on the shoulder and Theresa swung around.

“What?”

“Look at this.” Rebecca handed over the note. Theresa read it and started to giggle.

“What’s so funny?” Rebecca demanded crossly.

Theresa grinned at her. “Becca’s got a secret ad-mi-re-r, Becca’s got a secret ad-mi-re-r,” she sing-songed in a fake, silly voice.

Now Rebecca burst out laughing. “Oh shut up, you. Obviously a girl wrote it. Besides, I don’t know any Bens. I can only think of one Ben in this school, Ben Fossen, and he’s a senior. Why would he be interested in a lowly sophomore? I don’t really know him at all; I mean, I could point him out, but I couldn’t tell you anything about him. Besides, the—“

“But there’s Ben Rynda, in eighth grade.”

“Really? I don’t know him either.”

“And there’s Ben Goetske, in our grade. Maybe he has a crush on you, Becca.”

“Theresa! I don’t know him, either. Besides, I know a girl wrote it.”

“Why?” said another voice.

Both Rebecca and Theresa jumped. “Don’t startle me like that, Liz Shearer! You know I don’t like it.” Rebecca glared at the newcomer.

“Of course I know it. That’s why I do it. To make you jump.”

“What a nice bunch of friends I have,” Rebecca said, rolling her eyes. “So immature, so mean, so rude, so—” She gave up trying to find unkind adjectives and burst out laughing. “So ridiculous and so right!”

“Yeah, that’s us,” said Theresa. “Your mean friends who nevertheless know what’s happening—like, the Scripture bell is going to ring in 45 seconds.” She handed the note back to Rebecca, who stuck it in her pants pocket.

“Yeesh!” exclaimed Liz. “We better finish discussing on the way to class.”

They started off down the hall. “So,” said Liz to Rebecca, “how do you know a girl wrote it?”

“You know, this is really piquing my curiosity. Almost like a fire...” Rebecca murmured to herself.

“Rebecca?”

“Eh, what?” the girl exclaimed, abruptly coming back to herself. “Oh. Well, it’s a girl’s handwriting.”

“Maybe he had a girl write it for him,” Theresa interrupted.

“I doubt it,” said Liz.

“Yeah,” Rebecca agreed. “You’re just grasping at straws, Theresa, ‘cause you want me to think a boy wrote it. You aren’t going to succeed, so you might as well stop trying.” She returned to her original point. “So, it’s a girl’s handwriting. Besides, guys don’t use hearts to stand in for words. That is definitely a girl thing.” They were at the door of their classroom.

A melodious F# beep sounded. “Quick, quick, into your seats!” cried Liz. The three girls tumbled through the door of Room 206 and into their chairs just as Trinity School’s “bell” stopped “ringing.”

“Congratulations on a narrow but successful escape from a 30-minute detention, girls,” said Mrs. Adkins dryly. The rest of the class, the girls who had arrived much earlier than the trio, began laughing.

“Ahem,” said the teacher, raising her voice to be heard. The laughter quieted. “If you would please open your Bibles to the fourth chapter of Job…”

***

Rebecca couldn’t concentrate on Job’s discourse to his friends. She was much more interested in discussing the note with her seatmates, Becca Reinhardt and Carmen Quinlivan. After both girls vehemently denied having written it, all three girls quietly speculated as to the real culprit.

“It’s not Mary,” said Becca Reinhardt, “because I was with her the whole lunch period and I didn’t see her write it.”

“And I went to my locker before lunch, so I know it wasn’t there then,” Rebecca answered. “It couldn’t be Emily or Maggie—wacky cousins—because they would have put ‘Matt’ instead of ‘Ben.’ ” She sighed. “I can’t believe they still think I have a crush on him.”

“Do you think it might have been Julia?” asked Carmen.

“Maybe…I just need to find out, guys! The curiosity is burning a hole in my brain!”

None of them got any notes taken in that class.

***

After class, Rebecca asked all the sophomore girls, going down the locker row.

“You know, Becca,” said Meghan considerately, “No one’s going to admit to having written it.”

“I know,” Rebecca sighed. “But my fire of curiosity won’t go out til I get some water for it--meaning that someone either confesses or tells me who did it.”

***

By the end of the day, Rebecca had only one person left to ask.

“Beryl, did you write this?” she asked hopefully, producing the note.

“No--” said Beryl.

Rebecca groaned.

“--but I can tell you who did.”

Please!” Rebecca gasped, the flames reaching their peak.

Beryl whispered in her ear.

Rebecca jumped up and down. “Those--those--liars!” she cried for lack of a better word. “They all denied it forcefully! Thank you, Beryl, for the water to put out my fire.”

Beryl looked at her, confused.

“Never mind,” said Rebecca hastily. “Now to plan my revenge.”

***

The next day, several sophomore girls each found a pretty, decorated, hot-pink Post-It in their lockers. Each Post-It bore just four words: “You devious little liar!”

The fire of curiosity was now theirs to put out.

Much telling rather than showing, I'm afraid. Crits welcome, although it won't help for the contest. Hehe. And there's a lot of dialogue. Something that needs to be altered?

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PostPosted: Sat Apr 12, 2008 3:46 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey Smile

To be honest, I don't think the title works. It's French, and long..and drawn out and I can't see anything relating it to the story other than the word curious. Change it. Smile

You say this was originally non-fiction but you have altered it - well it certainly doesn't seem real to me.

The dialogue is awkward and I found myself re-reading some bits, not because I enjoyed them but because I didn't understand what they were trying to say.

Maybe some spaces between the dialogue...
Quote:
“ ‘Dearest Rebecca,’ ” she read, and then stopped. “ ‘Dearest?’ ” She shrugged and continued. “ ‘I simply you! Your singing makes my flutter.’What? Simply you, my flutter? Ohhh…those two hearts aren’t decoration, they’re words. Okay: ‘Dearest Rebecca, I simply love you! Your singing makes my heart flutter.’ ”


This was so hard to read. I barely got through it without giving up on the rest.

Perhaps arranging it something like this would make it less suicidal.

(Get rid of the second pair of quotation marks. It makes it too hard to read. Maybe using italics for the letter would give the same effect but with a better approach)

Quote:
'Dearest Rebecca,' she said and then stopped. 'Dearest?'

She shrugged and continued.

'I simply...you. Your singing makes...my flutter.'

'What? Simply you, my flutter? *
Ohhh…those two hearts aren’t decoration, they’re words.

Okay: Dearest Rebecca, I simply love you! Your singing makes my heart flutter.'


*(I suggest breaking the dialogue off here to say what the heart is, and not her saying it but I'll continue as you have done)*

Quote:
Rebecca snatched the two-inch-square Post-it off the inside of her mustard-yellow locker door.


This was awkward....I think it's this bit - two-inch-square Post-it off the inside of her mustard-yellow locker door.

Quote:
“What’s so funny?” Rebecca demanded crossly.


Is she a two year old? crossly. I get the image of a girl in piggy tails pouting over ice cream... sorry.

Your descriptive words are so basic and immature. The reader gathers everything they can to see the MC and so far I see a very immature, shallow, illiterate girl.

Quote:
fake, silly


?? Ok...not reaching me.
Quote:

jumped

glared

burst out laughing

murmured to herself

whispered in her ear.


These are overwhelmingly overused and cliched words! Don't use them!

If you can say to yourself, 'I know if I look in that book I'll be able to see this phrase...' then do not use it.

Originality is something that is invaluable. Everyone has it, so use it.

I'll finish up now Smile

But you have good potential as a writer. Just forget what others write. Be able to use your own imagination. And practice on writing a scene, describing atmospheres. Colours, sounds, smells, emotions etc.

I truly hope this is helpful to you Smile

Keep writing and all the best.

Peace V

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PostPosted: Thu Apr 17, 2008 10:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

lol. One of my friends ("Becca Reinhardt" in the story) found this and printed it out and passed it around the sophomore girls' class yesterday. They all thought it was very good and absolutely hilarious. So now I don't know who to believe. Can someone else please crit?

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PostPosted: Fri Apr 18, 2008 1:26 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'll attempt a critique.

Quote:
"Notebook and folder, check, Bible, check, pencil case, che- wait, what's that?"


That might work better if each item was its own sentence. Thus: "Notebook, check. Folder, check."

Quote:
Dearest Rebecca, she read. I simply you."


Maybe put an ellipse or a picture for the missing word.

Quote:
"Oh good grief. Some crazy person tried to April Fool me."


Make that into one sentence. "Oh, good grief, someone tried to April Fool me."Or maybe, "Someone's pulling a prank."



Quote:
Beccca's got a secret am-mi-re-r," Theresa sing-songed


Songed isn't a word. Try, "sang" or "chanted."

Quote:
"Don't scare me like that, Liz Shearer!"


I don't know as she'd use her friend's last name.

Quote:
After both girls vehemently denied writing the note, all three girls


You don't need the second "girls."

Quote:
"You know, Becca," said Megan, "No one's going to admit writing it."


Don't capitalized "no" in "no one." You don't need to unless it's a new sentence.

That's about all. And I love the ending.

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PostPosted: Fri Apr 18, 2008 4:08 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hello! Thank you for your entry in the On Fire contest, courtesy of the Instructors! Very Happy

Here's your complimentary critique!

Quote:
“Notebook and folder, check, Bible, check, pencil case, che—wait, what’s that?”

This is more of a personal thing than anything, but it makes it slightly less confusing if you put a period after each check. It's fine the way it is, I'm just being annoying. Wink

Quote:
Rebecca snatched the two-inch-square Post-it off the inside of her mustard-yellow locker door.

A bit of an overload of detail in one sentence, if you ask me.

Quote:
“Don’t startle me like that, Liz Shearer!

Is including her last name entirely necessary? Seems like you're including that for the audience's sake.

Quote:
“We better finish discussing on the way to class.”

Another case where your dialogue doesn't seem entirely natural -- who would actually *say* that rather than just *do* it?

Quote:
“Quick, quick, into your seats!” cried Liz.

Again, a bit of unnatural dialogue.

Quote:
None of them got any notes taken in that class.

Passive voice -- I'd change it to "None of them took any notes in that class."

Interesting concept, although personally I felt that your dialogue was a bit... uninspired. Some unnatural bits, and it was kinda bland throughout. Try modeling your dialogue more on actual conversations -- it's a way to make it seem more natural. Wink

But! On the plus side, your writing is sweet, simple, and to the point. Very clear and concise, which is always good. Wink

Best of luck in the contest!
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