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Talking_Pinata
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 Posted: Wed Apr 16, 2008 11:39 pm Post subject: INVALID TEXT |
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Incredibly sorry for the inconvienience |
Last edited by Talking_Pinata on Sun May 11, 2008 7:05 pm; edited 3 times in total |
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CrystalSorceress
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| Posted: Thu Apr 17, 2008 2:39 am Post subject: |
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I think what you have here is very interesting. It's definitely not what I expected after reading the prologue, but I liked it. You've gotten me very curious about who Rossa is and why her mother would murder her for an accident like that.
There were a few things that I think needed a little help.
1.
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What if they were older? Satu realized that she had been playing a lengthy game of “what ifs”.
The article of a tabloid had set up so many questions in her mind! Tabloids are to be disregarded as about as real as…fairy tales! |
You changed tenses halfway through this bit. Fix that, and it's fine.
2.
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| Her dreams filled with everything except what she wanted to dream about – fairy tales. Then again, some fairy tales continue living unknown from when they were lost by a generation. Satu may have very well been dreaming about fairy tales. |
There's something about this bit that seems a little weird. I can't quite put my finger on what it is, but the last sentence almost seems like you changed view points or something. It just seems a little awkward.
3.
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| After kicking on her shoes, Satu slid the glass basement door open and closed it behind her. |
Kicking on her shoes? Maybe people say that and I just don't realize it, but it sounds a little weird. How do you kick on your shoes?
4.
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Satu trudged along, staring at her feet to avoid the gazes of homeless or drunken shadows that draped on and over benches.
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That last bit (the bit in bold) seemed a little weird to me. I know what you meant now, but when I first read it, I was thinking "What the heck?". I think rewording it might be a good idea.
5.
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| A string of curses came from a female voice as Satu’s companion-through-clumsiness began to stir from the collision. |
There's nothing wrong with this, I just like the idea of a "companion-through-clumsiness". 
I liked this piece. It's well written, and it got my curiosity up. Can't wait for the next bit!
Keep writing!
-Sorceress |
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Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.- Theodor S. Geisel (aka Dr. Seuss) |
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Talking_Pinata
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| Posted: Thu Apr 17, 2008 11:16 am Post subject: |
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| Thankyou! I'll be looking into the things you pointed out later today! Glad you liked it! |
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Talking_Pinata
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| Posted: Thu Apr 17, 2008 9:36 pm Post subject: |
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| I need some more edits! Sorry so much for bumping DX |
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cmarie159
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| Posted: Thu Apr 17, 2008 10:29 pm Post subject: yarn |
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hey this was really good! The story was great, and I want to read more! I wonder who Rossa is...? I know, cause I'm special. But everyone should use context clues. =DD
very, very good my friend.
good job at writing your first chapter 1! |
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Talking_Pinata
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| Posted: Thu Apr 17, 2008 10:40 pm Post subject: |
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| Thankyou for the praise! It means more than you can imagine! ^^ |
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Talking_Pinata
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| Posted: Fri Apr 18, 2008 8:13 pm Post subject: |
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| I really would appreciate reviews... |
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Talking_Pinata
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| Posted: Sat Apr 19, 2008 1:12 pm Post subject: |
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| bumpity bump bump. Sorreh. |
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Periwinkle
jazz hands!
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| Posted: Sat Apr 19, 2008 6:40 pm Post subject: Re: "Yarn" Chapter One |
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I. NITPICKS
| Talking_Pinata wrote: |
| Sitting up quickly, Satu found herself disoriented. After a few minutes, she recalled reading the fairy tale book, and she wondered what time it was. Twelve forty eight in the morning read the neon blue digital clock numbers. She hadn’t had supper. |
"Sitting up quickly" is a weird beginning. "Satu sat up and found herself disoriented." Also, your telling us again! "She wondered what time it was" They way you wrote that down sounds like your an orator. It sounds good when your reading something aloud to a crowd, but on paper it sounds funny.
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| Sleepily, Satu trudged upstairs and found some salted crackers. She took them back down to her basement and went into the area that contained her bed, an old red sofa, and a folding card table. The box of crackers rocked and tipped over. Rows of crackers spilled out onto the table like dominoes. Leaving that, Satu went back over to her desk and picked up the short stories book. She must have fallen asleep after “Little Red Riding Hood”. |
That's a good description, but you can make it better. "The box of crackers rocked unsteadily in her arms and finally tipped to the floor - falling like dominoes." They shouldn't be separate sentences over. Also this doesn't make sense. She goes to the kitchen, gets crackers, and then drops them (on the floor I'm guessing?) and then goes off to finish reeding?.
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| After kicking on her shoes, Satu slid the glass basement door open and closed it behind her. She ambled around the house to the filthy sidewalk and began walking past the trees covered with chewed gum and rusty street lamp poles. |
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| A blanket of clouds hung low so that the candle-like light of the street lamps reflected off them. The humid air magnified the mild stench of leaves decomposing in gutters. The whole world seemed dirty. |
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| Feet appeared quickly in Satu’s peripheral vision and she looked up just in time to see the hunched over figure striding straight at her. They impacted before Satu had time to react. Something the person had been holding fell onto the sidewalk and cracked while something else crinkled. Satu landed directly on top of whatever the package had been and smothered something soft. A string of curses came from a female voice as Satu’s companion-through-clumsiness began to stir from the collision. Satu, a fairly quiet person, stood up slowly and turned around to see what she had landed on. |
Impacted is a funny word to use...I think you should change it. Also, "cracked while something crinkled" sounds a bit weird, too. I think you should change that.
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| “Yeah? Well,” the girl sighed. “Damn, I have no idea what I’m going to do. My mother sent me with those and now they’re destroyed.” |
Gulping, Satu did her best to find a solution, “Well, there is a twenty four hour convenience store down the road, and I was just heading that way. We could try to replace what I ruined?”
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| Although Satu had no vague idea of what had been in the cracked bottle, or why the girl’s mother would “murder” her, she felt responsible for the accident. |
Start a new paragraph here.
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| The parking lot of the gas station was deserted, and the bright white light contrasted from the yellow-golden streetlamp lights beside the street. |
Street lamp! Goodness!
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| The two girls walked into the store casually and headed straight for the candy aisle. Satu stopped to get a better look at the girl, and found that her hair was a deep brown color, and her eyes a light blue. She wore light colored blue jeans with an old, slightly ripped plaid skirt over it. A large red hoodie sagged over the girl’s thin body and overlapped the plaid skirt somewhat. The red of the plaid and the red of the hoodie matched nearly perfectly. Holes and rips were littered on the one center pocket of the hoodie as well as the sleeves. |
You say hoodie too much in this paragraph! Try to not ever repeat the same words in the same paragraph or, most importantly, sentence.
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| “What’s your name?” Satu inquired out of pure curiosity. |
We realize she's curious. You don't have to tell us! 
II. SHOWING VS. TELLING
Same problem here...see last review!
III. PERSON PROBLEMS
Hmm...I think that this piece would be best written in first-person. It would be much less show-y and also you can add your personal input, which you do quite often. You often use rhetorical questions or insert abstract thoughts into here like, "Wait. Maybe the world is dirty." You said something like that. That just seems to much of a personal input for a third-person piece.
IV. OVERALL IMPRESSION
This was pretty good and interesting. Are you going for an L sort of thing with the candy? So, yep. That's it. |
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GryphonFledgling
*glomps November*
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| Posted: Sat Apr 19, 2008 7:51 pm Post subject: |
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Satu taking Rossa to her house after only just meeting her seems kind of strange, as does Rossa asking in the first place. I can maybe see Rossa asking if they could hang out and them dottering about somewhere, but not Satu taking her to her house. Then again, I don't know where else they're going to go at four in the morning, but it's your story.
Interesting. I'm wondering what'll happen next. Again, I got here late so everyone else has snapped up the good critiques. *pouts*
I look forward to reading more. PM when you post more, would you please?
~GryphonFledgling |
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Talking_Pinata
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| Posted: Sat Apr 19, 2008 11:29 pm Post subject: |
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| Thankyou for the critiques I'm working on fixing all the things you've pointed out (it might be awhile) |
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Azila
October... it's Vegetarian Awareness Month!
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| Posted: Mon Apr 21, 2008 4:21 pm Post subject: |
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Hi. I'm sorry I couldn't get this to you sooner, I've been real busy and haven't been able to get on YWS at all, really.
-Nitpick-
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| Twelve forty eight in the morning read the neon blue digital clock numbers. |
This is kinda awkward. I suggest you say: "12:48 am, read the neon blue... (etc)"
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| She hadn’t had supper. |
Show us her hunger, rather than telling us about it.
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| She must have fallen asleep after “Little Red Riding Hood”. |
The period should be inside the quotation marks.
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| In that particular story, Satu pitied the wolf for no particular reason that she could distinguish. |
Repetition of "particular" here. I recommend you do something about that. Also, "distinguish" seems like an odd word choice... maybe just say "find" or "think of?"
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| Satu turned the page to the next story. “Hansel and Gretel”. |
This should be Satu turned the page to the next story: “Hansel and Gretel."
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| The story ended happily though, for which Satu was eternally thankful. |
That bold part is just plain weird. Eternally thankful? You're just using a common saying... bur it doesn't really fit there. 
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| Satu realized that she had been playing a lengthy game of “what ifs”. |
Again, punctuation should be INSIDE the quotation marks.
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Tabloids are to be disregarded as about as real as…fairy tales!
Then again...if the fairy tales were real… |
These thoughts should probably be italic.
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| Her dreams filled with everything except what she wanted to dream about – fairy tales. Then again, some fairy tales continue living unknown from when they were lost by a generation. Satu may have very well been dreaming about fairy tales. |
This is strange. At first, you say that she's not dreaming about fairy tales, but then, you say that she is.
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| Satu woke up again at four in the morning and couldn’t seem to smother her curiosity. |
What is she curious about? Also, try to show us her curiosity rather than tell.
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| This “vault” now contained Satu’s clothes. |
I don't think that "vault" needs to be in quotes.
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Wait.
The whole world was dirty. |
I suggest you delete "wait." It sounds weird, especially because you don't go into more detail about the filth.
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Feet appeared quickly in Satu’s peripheral vision and she looked up just in time to see the hunched over figure striding straight at her. |
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| At first Satu assumed that someone had gotten hurt; then she realized the broken bottle lying nearby. |
"Realize" strikes me as a weird word choice. Maybe "see" or "realize that."
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| The still shadowed body stood up and saw the wreckage of her former bundle. |
I think this should be "still-shadowed."
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| “Well, I can’t get cakes or wine at a convenience store, but maybe if I come with and hang around for awhile, Mother will think I delivered them.” |
I think you mean to say "...come with you..."
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| The parking lot of the gas station was deserted, and the bright white light contrasted from the yellow-golden streetlamp lights beside the street. |
... I think you mean "contrasted WITH."
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| “That’d be great! Thanks! You can lead the way!” |
Eep. Too many exclamation points.
______________________
Some overall issues:
Character
Satu seems like a perfect character to me. She is so nice to Rossa, so trusting and friendly. The only problem I can see with her is that she's spacey -- and that really isn't a fault. Give her more faults... quirks. I want to be able to feel like I know her, I want to be able to escape into her shoes. Which leads me to...
Person
Like Perriwinkle said, I think you should write this in the 1st person.
Showing vs. Telling
You do need to work on this, but I think you already know that so I won't go into it.
Overall, I think this is getting quite interesting! I'm curious to know where it's going.
PM me if you have questions/comments about my review.
Hope this helps.
~Azila~ |
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