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JFW1415
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 Posted: Thu Apr 17, 2008 1:55 am Post subject: Promises Not Kept (Part Two of Three) |
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Here's the revised version of He's Just Human, with a new title.
Currently being edited. |
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Last edited by JFW1415 on Mon Jul 21, 2008 5:52 pm; edited 5 times in total |
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chocoholic
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| Posted: Thu Apr 17, 2008 2:19 am Post subject: |
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Very, very nice.
I liked this bit more than I liked part two. The flashbacks were interesting, espcially as they gave away everything, yet didn't ruin the story.
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| “I think we should ask people to bring something for the party. That way they won’t bring over casseroles.” |
I don't think party is the ight word here. And, casseroles? Well, it's what they do on TV, I guess. I wouldn't know, nobody close to me has died.
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| Yesterday afternoon I was desperate to get on the phone. I was supposed to call Sarah – we still had to plan our outfits for the dance. |
Ah... the typical teenage girl. Good job, I don't see enough of this.
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| Brendan was hooked |
when you say he was hooked, it makes me think that he's addicted. I would change it.
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| I wish I hadn’t stopped in the hall. |
There's something about this sentence I really, really like.
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| Brendan did confront me later on. |
But he didn't, not really. I think you should change confronted. Because that mkes it seem like he stood in front of her and demanded to know whether she had heard.
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| “What took you so long, Katherine?” |
You need to mention her name earlier in the story, this is the firt time we find it out.
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| When I close my eyes, I dream of flashing lights and blaring sirens. |
Nice ending.
Again, please let me know when part three is up. I'm interested to know whats going to happen. I just have one thing to comment about, I always sort of thought Katherine was guy for some reason. I think you need to introduce her a littlebit more at the beginning, just so we know.
Apart from that, it was really good. |
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Azila
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| Posted: Thu Apr 17, 2008 2:05 pm Post subject: |
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Hello! I'm back.
-Nitpicks-
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| Jumping onto my bed I grabbed my phone. |
I think there should be a comma before "I" and after "bed."
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| I quieted my breath, and I listened, all thoughts of indulging in teenage gossip gone. |
I think the comma after "breath" isn't necessary and just serves to make the sentence seem choppy. Also, she wasn't thinking about teenage gossip before; she was thinking about coordinating her dance outfit with a friend... 
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| “Just try it, man!” someone said. I could hear someone in the background telling him to put it on speakerphone. |
Maybe in the second sentence, you should say "...hear someone ELSE..." just to prevent repetition.
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| It’s the first guy again. |
I think you mean this to be in the past tense, thus: "It was the first guy again."
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| He knew that Brendan was hooked, that he could no longer mess it up. |
I agree with choco -- this makes it seem like Brendan's addicted. ^_~
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| I half expected Brendan to storm into my room after that, to demand an explanation to why I was snooping, but it never came. |
I think "explanation OF" might be a bit more natural?
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| I slam the door shut as I walk in the house after going for a walk, but there’s no one around to hear it echo. |
I think "into" would work better here.
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Inside is the phone he used to plan what would be his death.
I plan on going straight to my room – blasting the radio, doing my homework, forgetting about what was going on around me – but I don’t. |
Is the repetition of "plan" intentional here? I think you should get rid of it, either way.
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| He’s digging deep into the corners, discarding all the stuff he considered junk. |
*considers.
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| Mom told me it was fine, then mentioned to my seat. |
This should either be "...then mentioned my seat," (which I think sounds kinda weird) or "...then motioned to my seat."
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| That was his nickname for me, and I hated that he said it – it made it so much harder to be mad at him. |
She doesn't hate it when he says it in general, does she? She just hated it when he said it AT THAT MOMENT. I suggest you put in something like "...and though I normally love it, I hated it at that moment -- it made it..." You get what I mean?
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| I thought that would keep him safe. |
Thought what would keep him safe?
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-Overall-
One major thing that I noticed is that almost all your paragraphs -- and sentences, for that matter -- start with either a personal pronoun (he, she, I, we, they, it, you etc) or a name/title (Brendan, Dad, My mother, etc). You might want to do something about this as the repetitive nature can get annoying.
Another thing is the flashbacks. Rereading it for a second time, they both made sense, but when I read it the first time, the second flashback was confusing and caught me off-guard. Maybe you should specify that it's the same day as the first flashback, just so that stupid readers like myself don't get confuzzled?
I really liked this, though -- is this the same family as in your "100 short stories" thing? I think it is, but Brendan was never mentioned in any of those. At first I thought that maybe those took place AFTER he had died, but that's not possible because in some of those, MC is a little kid, and she's a teen now...
Anyway, as always PM me if you have comments/questions... or when you post the next one.
Hope this helps!
~Azila~ |
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Alainna
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| Posted: Thu Apr 17, 2008 3:18 pm Post subject: |
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Heya, another good part to what is an intriguing and well thought out story. I'm really enjoying this.
A few things that I caught:
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| I think we should ask people to bring something for the party. |
I agree with choco - party is not the right word at all.
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| Yesterday afternoon I was desperate to get on the phone. I was supposed to call Sarah – we still had to plan our outfits for the dance. |
I can't remember whether in the first part you say that it is night-time in the hospital....if you do then you can ignore my comment on this. Otherwise, it might be a good idea to say 'yesterday after school' or something to distinguish a different time of day to when they are at the hospital.
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He knew that Brendan was hooked, that he could no longer mess it up.
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I agree with the others that here it seems like Brendan is an addict rather than this being his first time.
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| He got down on one knee and put his hand on my chin, forcing me to look up into his eyes. |
To me this just sounds a bit odd. I don't have any brother but my experience with seeing my friends with older brothers kinda doesn't reflect this at all. It's something that a parent or a boyfriend would probably do rather than a brother, especially if he is a little bit angry or frustrated. Perhaps change this into grabbing her arm or something?
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| But what do you do when the one who could have stopped it, the one with the opportunity, was you? |
I love this!
I also thought that the protagonist was a boy. I have no idea why; perhaps just the tone of the piece. I agree that you should put her in the first part more so that we are aware of the narrator being a girl.
My only other suggestions are that you perhaps define the flashbacks even more - italics of something.
A very good piece and please pm me when you post more.
Keep writing,
Alainna
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JFW1415
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| Posted: Thu Apr 17, 2008 7:11 pm Post subject: |
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Azila: I keep doing the beginning with a pronoun thing! URGH! I hate it.  Anyways, yes, it's the same family as my 100 stories, but only because I'm lazy. ;P Brendan doesn't exist in them - yet. So yes, some of them are the same characters, but try to forget that? They have nothing to do with each other...though they do have the same personalily...Oh, well, they have a different last name here! Ha! (It's the boy's last name.) I just hate making new characters.
Alianna: Yes, my brother is very odd and father-like, so that wouldn't be too odd coming from him if I was really upset. I'll edit it, though, so it's more general. I always forget that others don't have such awesome brothers. ;P
I can't believe everyone thought Katherine was a boy! Urgh...now I need to find a way to slip her name in earlier...
Thanks! Anyone else out there feel like ripping this to shreds? ;P
~JFW1415 |
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Sam
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| Posted: Fri Apr 18, 2008 3:21 am Post subject: |
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Hey again, JFW.
Another completely fabulous chapter. I really do love this story--it's one of my favorites in recent memory. I'm excited to see how everything comes together.
HIGH SCHOOL CONFIDENTIAL
The one thing that kind of irked me in this chapter was the predictability and stereotypes surrounding the "druggies". Put them together with Brendan and you could tell which ones were smoking something and which ones weren't--and that was simply because it sounded a bit like a health movie ("There's nothing like riding the high!" and so forth.)
How to fix this? Put yourself in both sets of characters' shoes. Is Brendan trying to please something? Do the druggies think they are doing the right thing? Making both characters have motives is something that is going to make things a lot more realistic. Often, people will experiment with drugs to make someone else happy, or because it is a "diagnosis" for their problems. Something like that could be going on in Brendan's life. I don't know--you're the writer, not me. XD
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I don't have a lot else to say! Simply make sure that the difference between flashback and present day is made clear. I would put it in italics or something such.
But, yeah. This story is beyond awesome sauce. I'd venture to say it's awesome soup. |
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| Posted: Fri Apr 18, 2008 8:22 am Post subject: |
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In all honesty this moved too fast... You have no indication that it's flashbacks and I just had to force myself to keep reading. I also thought the main character was a boy. Really this peice just largely confused me. Jumping about here, there and everywhere. It's all just... so... mad. Overall: Unlike the others I didn't like this, it was too odd, my head just couldn't go around it.
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| Posted: Fri Apr 18, 2008 9:15 pm Post subject: |
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Okay, it's good up until the part with the brother speaking here he says, "I don't know, you guys." I can't tell if he's on the phone, or the friends are in another room? It'd be good to clarify that.
"Mom told me it was fine, then mentioned to my seat." Should it be "motioned?"
“Yeah,” he said. He didn’t think I noticed, but I did.
He didn’t say ‘I promise.’ He agreed, but he never said the words, so he still could break it.
I think that should be one paragraph? The "he didn't notice" part doesn't make sense on its own.
"... the moon illuminates my form." How would she know? Wouldn't she be more likely to nitice it illuminating the room first?
Very good! I love your dialogue. Can't wait for part three! Keep writing!
~Yoyo  |
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| Posted: Sat Apr 19, 2008 3:17 am Post subject: |
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Here I am again!  Sorry if I repeat anything! ^_^
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| I think Matty notices, [no comma] because he takes longer to respond than usual. |
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| Jumping onto my bed, I grabbed my phone. |
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| He must have, [no comma] because the next voice to speak had an echo to it. |
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| I half-expected Brendan to storm into my room after that, to demand an explanation as to why I was snooping, but it never came. |
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| My bag falls to the ground beside me, [no comma] onto the patch of wood floor Brendan’s bag used to occupy. |
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| There are black garbage bags lying around, [no comma] half-filled with his stuff. |
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| Mom told me it was fine, then mentioned to my seat. |
Um.. then motioned to my seat? Or mentioned my seat?
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| I refused to look at him, [no comma] and stuck to one-word sentences the whole night. |
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| I rolled my eyes, [no comma] and for a moment everything was normal between us. |
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“Yeah,” I repeated. [comma instead] “But but if you leave the house, I’ll tell.” |
You just said you'd finish the sentence. 
This is pretty good, JFW. I was caught off-guard, though, when you switched tenses. I assume that was a flashback to Brendan? Maybe a warning or a hint of what that scene is?
That's all I can suggest. XD
Onward!
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| Posted: Sun Apr 20, 2008 2:52 am Post subject: |
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Oh, this is so good. (too bad that I knew the ending before I read the other two parts! )
But anyway, I didn't find anything wrong in this piece. You have a good story with your three pieces and I find them to be complete.
My only advise is for you to Keep Writing! |
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| Posted: Mon Apr 21, 2008 1:41 pm Post subject: |
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Ooo! No time for a nitpick now, but one suggestion right away: could you please label these three sections more specifically? It took me ages to get to Day Two. Very good juggling of the time-line. I was a little confused, but not too much, and some confusion is inevitable when you're dealing with stuff like this. The one place I think you might want to be a little more clear is the phone conversation she overhears--for awhile I thought it was Matty, that he was responding to the pain of his brother's death, and it took me a long time to remember that Brendan was the name of the dead brother. Maybe if you could just interject something like "my older brother" or such, it might help.
Anyway, thanks for letting me know! Overall, this one is definitely better than Day One, darling, keep it up! |
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JFW1415
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| Posted: Wed Apr 23, 2008 3:15 am Post subject: |
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This has been edited, and has a new title.
Please critique! This is due soon. 
~JFW1415
Edit: I edited once more. The version that is posted now is the one I turned in. I am still planning on fixing the emotions, hospital scene, etc. - all the content suggestions you made that I didn't have time to do before.
Thanks everyone!
~JFW1415 |
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| Posted: Tue Apr 29, 2008 2:13 am Post subject: |
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| Holy crap that made me want to cry! In a good, sad way though, not a "OMG I can't even finish this sentence I need to print it and burn it" way.That first first flashback got me a little confused; at first I thought that there was another brother that we weren't introduced to yet, and I had to reread it. So maybe make that a little easier to read. Overall, though, I thought it was awesome--some people really have to go through that, too. It's rather sad, really. Keep up the good work! |
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| Posted: Wed Apr 30, 2008 2:00 am Post subject: |
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| I liked this piece, with a little work it could be really good. I'm not gonna repeat all the typos since everyone else already did. I agree though, when I read this I was really confused between present and flashbacks, you may want to find some way to make it more obvious that they are flashbacks, so readers don't get lost. Other than that, this is shaping up to be really good. PM me when part three comes out. |
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LoveableLittleSock
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| Posted: Mon May 19, 2008 2:15 pm Post subject: |
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This was so annoying! You wanted to me to be harsh, so I'm prepared to do my worst. There is absoloutely nothing wrong with this piece (from my point of view) besides the fact that you dash your sentences five billion times more than necessary.
I'm off to read the third one! Maybe I should have been a bit harsher with the commas, but I let you off. I was to submerged in the story - except - for - the - fact - that - there - were - seven - thousand - of - these. Not that there's anything wrong with those dashes. You wanted me to be harsh, and apparently this is the harshest I can be with this piece.
Adios!
- Sara |
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