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OverEasy
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 Posted: Wed Apr 16, 2008 1:08 am Post subject: Rain Drop |
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cascading in a
downward spiral,
heading further and further
toward an unsuspecting earth,
gyrating endlessly
to a certain death below,
arriving with a
quiet little
plop. |
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Last edited by OverEasy on Wed Apr 16, 2008 3:16 am; edited 1 time in total |
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PsychicNinja
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| Posted: Wed Apr 16, 2008 1:16 am Post subject: |
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This was very good. I enjoyed it.
You need to add in your capitalization and puncuation.
I think you need expand on it more and add more similes, personification, and/or metaphors. This is just imagery, and I think it would sound much, much better if you added extreme comparisons. I like the explanation of how the rain drop fell, but I think if you expanded and added more detailed and "extreme" metaphors and the like, it would sound much better.
Keep on writing,
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Flemzo
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| Posted: Wed Apr 16, 2008 2:59 am Post subject: Re: Rain Drop |
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This was pretty good. Very good imagry here, and I like the effect with the no caps and "plop" having it's own line, giving it a finite ending. However, you could still use some punctuation. Suggestions:
| OverEasy wrote: |
cascading in a
downward spiral,
heading further and further
toward an unsuspecting earth,
gyrating endlessly
to a certain death below,
arriving with a
quiet little
plop. |
Nothing really much in the way of punctuation, but still enough to make it smoother.
Again, great job. Made it really easy to crit.
kf |
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deavarna_satina
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| Posted: Wed Apr 16, 2008 3:12 am Post subject: |
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Ooch, chills. I liked this. Good imagery, short and sweet, overall enjoyable. Well, enjoyable doesn't sound like the right word to use here... how about touching? My only problem with it was your use of the word 'plop'. It seems far too cheerful a word to use for this type of piece. other than that, good work  |
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JabberHut
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| Posted: Wed Apr 16, 2008 2:18 pm Post subject: |
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Hello again! Let's see what I can get done before the bell rings! 
Very short, sweet, and to the point. The no capitalization thing isn't really bugging me. It thought it added to the look of the poem. I don't know if this was intentional, but the last few lines seemed to be "arriving with a quiet little plop" themselves. That was my favorite part.
It was great imagery through the entire piece. I could picture the raindrop gracefully falling through the sky and making it's landing in a puddle on the ground. And I could hear the sound of the plop! when it landed. Very effective.
Your last line. You end with, again, a very effective word. Onomatopoeia works wonders when used well. This was my favorite part of the entire piece. I'd suggest using italics and exclamation like I did before, but it's entirely up to you. The italics just force a sound effect in the reader's head, but I got it anyway.
I'm sorry I can't be of much help. I'm always praising you, so it must be a little annoying. >.>
Keep writing!
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God
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| Posted: Wed Apr 16, 2008 4:48 pm Post subject: |
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| i agree with the other person, plop doesnt seem right, maybe try "splat" or something else... nice poem... well, not nice, but interesting... i may or may not actually know what im talking about, so you either listen to me or not. its your poem. |
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blacktiger3915
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| Posted: Wed Apr 16, 2008 4:54 pm Post subject: |
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I liked, even if you used plop. Now I will look at rain drops differently. Anyway, good job.  |
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JFW1415
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| Posted: Wed Apr 16, 2008 7:05 pm Post subject: Re: Rain Drop |
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Well, considering the fact that I first thought this was about skydivers, not raindrops, I'm not sure hoe much you should trust me. But you asked, so I'll deliver.
| Quote: |
| gyrating endlessly |
This line bothered me a bit. During the rest, you seemed to have a less sophisticated language, and then 'gyrate?' It may just be me, though.
Other than that, I liked it. If everyone else understood the raindrop, I guess I'm just slow, and you don't need to make it more clear. 
If it's about the raindrop, I think 'plop' works fine.
Sorry about the lame review, but you DID ask...
PM me with questions, or if you'd like me to critique fiction!
~JFW1415
EDIT: Just realized that this was CALLED 'rain drop...' Heehee, see what following links does to me? ;P |
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Last edited by JFW1415 on Wed Apr 16, 2008 8:33 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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yoha_ahoy
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| Posted: Wed Apr 16, 2008 7:29 pm Post subject: |
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Awww! Very cute! 1- You need capitalization and some more punctuation I think. 2- I love the shape! I don't know if you did that on purpose, or what, but it fits the theme of the poem! Lovely!
As far as the capitalization and such, try this:
Cascading in a
downward spiral,
heading further and further
toward an unsuspecting earth.
Gyrating endlessly
to a certain death below,
arriving with a
quiet, little
plop.
It's all optional, but just add commas where you especially want a pause, and create "sentences" in your poetry. Otherwise it can sometimes read as a big run-on and you don't always want that. This is just an example of how I read it.  Keep writing! I loved this!
~Yoyo  |
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mizz-iceberg
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| Posted: Wed Apr 16, 2008 11:06 pm Post subject: |
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Well you already know what I first thought when I read this poem... 
But I see the rain drop perfectly now. It's not confusing at all.
Great job!! |
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Suzanne
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| Posted: Wed Apr 16, 2008 11:15 pm Post subject: |
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I like this.
But what are you trying to say about the rain drop? ^_~ not to spoil it for you, but you're only describing again! Describing is wonderful, but most of the poetry I read (oh, and I read classics, so I may be terribly foolish) does something with the description. When I say it does something, I mean it creates an image and relates it to something. Perhaps the rain drop means something other than a rain drop. Maybe it is secretly a tear of the sky, crying for the poor environment? hehe, just a thought! |
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Via
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| Posted: Wed Apr 16, 2008 11:20 pm Post subject: Re: Rain Drop |
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Well this has pretty much been covered. Especially the punctuation and such...though this isn't in need of it as much as some other are. I wouldn't completely hate it if there were never any capital letters, but I wouldn't love it, either.
| OverEasy wrote: |
cascading in a
downward spiral, |
...rain drops spiral?
| Quote: |
heading further and further
toward an unsuspecting earth, |
"closer and closer" would be better here. "Further" suggests "away", not "towards
| Quote: |
gyrating endlessly
to a certain death below,
arriving with a
quiet little
plop. |
I kind of read this as the insignificance of a simple rain drop to the big bad earth but how significant the raindrop is in itself (to itself...if that makes sense).
The imagery was good, and if it weren't called Rain Drop I think it would be better because that kind of gives it away. Leave a little up to the imagination, eh?
But, at the same time it wasn't a favorite. I was really kind of bored I suppose, and I'm not really sure why I should care about this rain drop? I need some kind of emotional attachment to the rain drop or to something else that could be portrayed through such a metaphor (which, is a lot of things).
Happy Editing!
Via |
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| Posted: Thu Apr 17, 2008 12:47 am Post subject: |
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| love the ending! |
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| Posted: Thu Apr 17, 2008 7:38 pm Post subject: |
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I like this poem as it flows smoothly like a raindrop down to earth, ending with a final word, in this case, plop.
However, this may have been already mentioned, but you need to put a little bit more punctuation it.
Very Good though! |
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shadowsoldier
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| Posted: Fri Apr 18, 2008 3:47 pm Post subject: |
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| I really liked this poem, it brings about a couple of interesting emotions that you wouldn't expect. I liked how you ended this piece, like what some said above me, it had a finite ending. |
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