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chocoholic
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 Posted: Mon Apr 07, 2008 8:01 am Post subject: Mama's Smile |
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Just so you know, lyrics have never been my thing, and I think this it horrid, but it's the best song I've ever written. It was inspired by Dance With My Father Again by Luther Vandross
Mama's Smile
When I was a little girl
I would cry when I fell down
And my mother
She would come and pick me up
She would hug me, brush me knees
And then she’d tell me its okay
‘Cause mama, she would be there everyday
And I would, I would
Smile
I would smile at my mother
And attack her with my hug
She was the light I wanted
In the world of darkness
And when I felt like cryin’
I would hug my mother more
And I knew that I was safe
When mama’s smile’s what I saw
When I was sixteen
And my heart had just been broke
I cried for my mother
And I knew it’d be alright
When I saw that smile
I knew just what I had to do
I picked myself up from the ground
And I would, I would
Smile
I would smile at my mother
And attack her with my hug
She was the light I wanted
In the world of darkness
And when I felt like cryin’
I would hug my mother more
And I knew that I was safe
When mama’s smile’s what I saw
And then,
Just as I reached twenty
Mum was taken ill
Daddy told our family
That mummy’s with us still
But I cried that night
Because she wasn’t coming back
And thought to when I knew she’d be there
I would smile at my mother
And attack her with my hug
She was the light I wanted
In the world of darkness
And when I felt like cryin’
I would hug my mother more
And I knew that I was safe
When mama’s smile’s what I saw
I knew that I was safe
When mama’s smile’s what I saw |
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*Don't expect to see me around much in the next couple of weeks. School has started again, and it'll be a couple of weeks before I've settled in. If you've asked me for a critique, you will get it, but not for a little while. Sorry* |
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PenguinAttack
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| Posted: Mon Apr 07, 2008 11:21 pm Post subject: |
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Hi Choco!
So, I'm not fabulous at critiquing lyrics, mainly because I can't usually put them to music, so I don't know how they'd work that way. But! I could for yours.
It took a little while, but by the end I had a rhythm and a feeling to it, and I like it! - That's not me sounding surprised, that's me sounding excited. I think it's sweet and sad, and it touched me a little, which is just amazing. ^^It's nice work, and I'm worry I'm not able to critique this to a suitable standard, I think you must have worked hard to make it so nice, and I applaud that kind of dedication.
I will say that I'm not sure the chorus isn't a little... typical? In it's imagery, with the darkness, but I don't see that it detracts from the poem so much.
Nice work, Choco!
*Hearts* Le Penguin. |
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Matt Bellamy
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| Posted: Wed Apr 09, 2008 9:11 pm Post subject: |
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I have never critiqued lyrics before. I used to write them, when I was all teen angsty at fourteen, and they were very, very bad! But I'll do my best to give a good review.
I really like this. I like the idea, and the continuous mentions of smiling, smiling, then the mother smiling, and everyone is smiling!  I liked how you used the kind of timeline throughout the song-when I was little, a teenager, and then an adult. Only criticism I have is that this line: "And thought to when I knew she’d be there" doesn't seem to make sense, and I don't know what you mean there at all. Apart from that, loved the idea, not at all angsty like my previous attempts  Let me know if you want any more lyrics reviewed, as it's good for me to try to tone these critting skills. |
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deafwriter_19
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| Posted: Sat Apr 12, 2008 3:41 am Post subject: |
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| Oh my gosh! This almost made me cry...and I'm a guy. I loved the subject. I could imagine the music (heavy on acoustic guitar, a light drum background) and I like how you put all the meat in the verses and made the chorus light and simple. |
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JabberHut
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| Posted: Mon Apr 14, 2008 11:38 am Post subject: |
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Hello there, Choco!
Must I repeat what everyone said about critting lyrics? Lol, I don't critique them much.
But! I really liked this! Great imagery, and by the end, I had a rhythm. Your wording is really good, considering I don't know the music that will accompany the lyrics. I really like songs that, as Matt said before me, have that timeline. This was very touching, and I wish I could give it the critique it deserves.
I really liked the refrain/chorus, by the way. It's truly lovely!
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| And my heart had just been broke |
Alliteration! Even lyrics get poetic devices. Nice job! 
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I knew that I was safe
When mama’s smile’s what I saw |
Great choice of ending! It touched me right here *hand/chest* Right there, girl. Bravo!
Kay, did it look like I critiqued it? Sweet... Great job! I truly liked this! You have a knack for lyrics!
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only! |
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Kalliope
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| Posted: Tue Apr 15, 2008 2:33 pm Post subject: |
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Hey Choco,
I haven't critiqued or written any lyrics in a while, so I'm a bit out of practise, but I thought I'd get back into this business
I really like the way you built this up. The whole story line is very touching and everybody should have a mom like that.
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And then she’d tell me its okay
‘Cause mama, she would be there everyday |
These are two really neat lines, since they express what every little girl wishes for and in these lyrics you show the truth to them.
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| And attack her with my hug |
Aww, always mama's little girl.
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She was the light I wanted
In the world of darkness |
Light in a world full of darkness has been done a lot, but I suppose it's fitting here. Maybe you can search for an alternative that's more original? Or just leav it
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| When mama’s smile’s what I saw |
This seems a bit akwardly worded. Maybe try When I saw mama's smile or When I saw mama smile?
Hmm... the whole teenage verse doesn't seem to flow quite as well as the rest, but other than that I really enjoyed these lyrics!
Very nicely done.
~Kalliope |
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This_is_history
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| Posted: Fri May 23, 2008 3:37 am Post subject: |
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Hey! Just let me say, I LOVE Dance with my father, and I think this poem is basically it's equivelant. So yeah, this is great.
One thing I saw was your wording. It got a little awkward in places. And it would probably fit with music really well, but when you're reading it straight it sounds a bit forced. (They should really have a way you could upload a music file with your lyrics. That would make everything so much easier!)
Your first verse is really strong, and I really like it, but like I said, your wording tends to be a bit skewed after that.
Everything else is really great. I love the idea. You hardly ever see any songs about moms, so kudos to you!
I think the whole thing is very sweet. It's a lovely song, and I really like it.
Well, I hope I could help!
-Elise |
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