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by BigBadBear in Other Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Romantic Fiction

This thread was created on April 13, 2008
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Keri's love Chapter One Part one
Keri's Love Chapter One Part Two
Keri's love Chapter One Part One (Redone)
Keri's Love Chapter One Part Two (Redone)
Keri's Love Chapter Two Part One
Keri's Love Chapter Two Part One (Redone)
Keri's Love Chapter Two Part Three
Keri's Love Chapter Two Part Five
Keri's Love Chapter Three Part One

Keri's Love Chapter Two Part Four
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PostPosted: Sun Apr 13, 2008 10:17 pm    Post subject: Keri's Love Chapter Two Part Four Reply with quote

**Shorter then the other sections, but it works. Very Happy**

“CAMERON!” Keri jumped up and hugged him. She stood back and smiled. “What are you doing down here?”

“Your parents said I should come visit you. They heard about the shooting at the college a few towns over and wanted me to keep an eye on you.” He replied looking back at Ryder for a second. “Who’s he?”

“Cameron, this is Ryder. Ryder this is Cameron, he’s my brother.” She smiled. “Well, not technically. I’ve known him my whole life.” She sat back down scooting over so Cameron could sit down next to her. He did and looked at Ryder with distaste.

“You still haven’t answered me, Keri, who is he?” Cameron demanded. Keri looked at him and frowned.

“Be nice.” She frowned, she looked back at Ryder. “He is a friend, now be nice or go home.” She smiled looking back at Cameron, his gaze still locked on Ryder’s. They glared at each other until Keri slammed her hands on the table. “Would you stop looking at each other like two stallions would before a fight! Now, you two have a problem with each other you need to get over it. Now both of you have manners and now how to be nice.” They kept their eyes locked, waiting for whoever would turn away first. Keri would’ve stood up and left, but the table kept her blocked in. She crossed her arms. They both looked at her at the same time and she just glared.

“Sorry.” Cameron and Ryder muttered at the same time.

“Now, why were you two glaring?” She demanded, “There is absolutely no reason to be rude like that.” Neither spoke up and she just waited she wanted to know why they had done that. It couldn’t be because they both liked her. Cameron was her brother, he was happy with his wife back at home too. Ryder, she had just met him.

“Just wanted to make sure he was ok.” Cameron grumbled. Keri held back a laugh. She was mad, furious was more like it. Cameron never acted this way, and from what she had seen of Ryder he rarely did either. She knew her day was ruined now and she wouldn’t be able to think of anything else. That made her all the more mad.

“Move!” She growled, he stood up and she stormed out of the coffee shop. They had no right to be so rude, no right to ruin her day when she was already shaken, she had been enjoying herself for the first time with a guy and it was ruined.

*~*~*~*

Ryder looked at Cameron, his face was stone cold again. He couldn’t believe she had a vampire friend, and obviously she didn’t know it.

“Listen, wolf, you leave her alone. You better not get close to her again, I’ll make sure you’re in the ground if I see you around her again.” Cameron hissed standing up.

“Why, you want to change her? You’ve had plenty of time, blood sucker.” He growled back. Cameron jumped towards him stopping inches from his face.

“You remember what I said, wolf. You come close to her again I’ll kill you. I’ll not have her hurt by your kind.” Cameron spun on his heel pulling his black collar back up on his neck. He stepped out onto the street walking in the shadows towards where Ryder had seen Keri go.


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PostPosted: Mon Apr 14, 2008 10:30 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oh yay! Tension, I love it! Cameron is NOT happy with Ryder.
I like that you added him in. It gives the story even more spice to it!
All that I really saw that needed fixing was a few typos.
Good work!

~Rachael

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PostPosted: Tue Apr 15, 2008 5:52 pm    Post subject: Re: Keri's Love Chapter Two Part Four Reply with quote

Hahah, I found this on my own this time!!

I just love how you added in Cameron. It really adds more tension to the story so GREAT JOB!!

I never thought I'd like a story with werewolves and vampires, but I'm falling in love with this story.

I don't have much time right now to go over this part in detail but I'll point out the things that I DID notice.
Quote:

“Be nice.” She frowned, she looked back at Ryder. “He is a friend, now be nice or go home.” She smiled looking back at Cameron, his gaze still locked on Ryder’s.


This part was rather confusing. Maybe you need to space things out more. Is she telling Ryder to be nice pr go Home? Or is she saying that to Cameron?


Quote:
Would you stop looking at each other like two stallions would before a fight! Now, you two have a problem with each other you need to get over it. Now both of you have manners and now how to be nice.


-Know. Lol, it sounds as if she's scolding 5 year olds...

Quote:

“Now, why were you two glaring?” She demanded, “There is absolutely no reason to be rude like that.” Neither spoke up and she just waited she wanted to know why they had done that.


-I think you need a comma there, after waited. There's something missing... Or maybe a period and start a new sentence.


Again I noticed many comma problems but I'm sure you'll notice them one you go through this slowly...

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