Topic ID: 28147
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Gadi.
OBAMA FOR PREZ Speaker of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 15 Joined: 06 Aug 2007 Posts: 937 Reviews: 393 Country: I wish it was in my comfy bed, under the covers... 216 Points
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Posted: Wed Apr 02, 2008 5:16 am Post subject: Wildfire |
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1
The night we returned home, burning ashes
floated in air like fireflies. We heard the
sirens ring through the night; school was out,
and we could just make out a red streak
across the highway. Our home was filled
with strangers, and their clothes smelled like
tires, and tears, and metal, and the Diaspora
of neighbors, some homes are only cinders; smoke
clogging our city, like Atlantis underwater,
and our lungs split and torn, until we breathed
the sun. We left as soon as we heard
the phone ring: the tree in our yard was already
aflame, carrot blazes licking cherry autumn leaves.
Fire: beautiful fire, we dance in your light, we
feast in your heat, we pray in your opulence,
we burn in your flames. We burn in your flames.
2
The last thing we left was my parents’ wedding
videotape. When our car was past the mountains,
past the city, past the fire: when we were all but safe,
we heard nuptial harmonies crackle in the flames.
The night we returned home, we found the
Bible under the rubble, unscathed leather:
we are our brother’s keeper, “Am I?”
Fire is the wrath of trees; it is the sun’s dooming
gaze, father’s deep unforgiving glaze;
Fire is a red sky, slithering like a snake
through empty streets, until its tail is caught
in its mouth. Endless, it pierces through walls like
soldiers of war—flame, flesh and glass,
it never loved anyone but itself. |
_________________ my world isn't only beautiful
it is so far away
Last edited by Gadi. on Tue Apr 15, 2008 4:34 am; edited 2 times in total |
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Aedomir
If you hate me press alt+f4. Master of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 14 Joined: 19 Jan 2008 Posts: 1860 Reviews: 370 Country: The fantasy of limbo, but I call it England. 300 Points
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Posted: Wed Apr 02, 2008 1:12 pm Post subject: |
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Wow! I really enjoyed that!
I love to read poetry, but when it comes to reviewing it, I leave a lot to be desired. So, let's have a look!
I am not sure if I understood the message, but I have an idea. I won't say it because I will look stupid if its wrong . At first, I was a little concerned that this would just be a story in verse, and the start is. However, the end of the first part, and the entire second, I loved. I thought the imagery was great, and I loved all the lovely wordy sentences.
More good points, include your use of repetition and spot on grammar. Actually, just one thing:
Should be capital 'A' I would say.
I really enjoyed that, honesty! I am not sure if I have read any of yours before now, but I think you are a very talented poet.
Keep writing!
~Mark |
_________________ We are all Sociopaths: The Prologue
Sociopath: So • ci • o • path noun
1. Someone who believes their behaviour is right.
2. Human. |
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[deleted1]
Loves Lindsay-Baby forever. <3 Speaker of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 19 Joined: 02 Mar 2007 Posts: 785 Reviews: 189 Country: Toledo 300 Points
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Posted: Wed Apr 02, 2008 4:35 pm Post subject: Re: Wildfire |
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| Gadi. wrote: |
1
The night we returned home, burning ashes
floated in air like fireflies. We heard the
sirens ring through the night; school was out,
and we could just make out a red streak
across the highway. Our home was filled
with strangers, and their clothes smelled like
tires, and tears, and metal, and the Diaspora
of neighbors, some homes are only cinders; smoke
clogging our city, like Atlantis underwater,
and our lungs split and torn, until we breathed
the sun. We left as soon as we heard
the phone ring: the tree in our yard was already
aflame, carrot blazes licking cherry autumn leaves.
Fire: beautiful fire, we dance in your light, we
feast in your heat, we pray in your opulence,
we burn in your flames. We burn in your flames.
2
The last thing we left was my parents’ wedding
videotape. When our car was past the mountains,
past the city, past the fire: when we were all but safe,
we heard nuptial harmonies crackle in the flames.
The night we returned home, we found the
Bible under the rubble, unscathed leather:
we are our brother’s keeper, “am I?”
Fire is the wrath of trees; it is the sun’s dooming
gaze, father’s deep unforgiving glaze;
Fire is a red sky, slithering like a snake
through empty streets, until its tail is caught
in its mouth. Endless, it pierces through walls like
soldiers of war—flame, flesh and glass,
crystal clear blue blood. |
Wow, this is excellent. I see the message in it. It's about a family being burned, no? Well, it has a good, but dark meaning to it. I like the rhythm used in it. This poem has enough details in it to show the message, I see nothing to fix. Keep up the good work.
-Rick |
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Gadi.
OBAMA FOR PREZ Speaker of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 15 Joined: 06 Aug 2007 Posts: 937 Reviews: 393 Country: I wish it was in my comfy bed, under the covers... 216 Points
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Posted: Fri Apr 04, 2008 1:52 am Post subject: |
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Hey! Thank you very much for your crits.
"It's about a family being burned, no?"
I'd let you decide that. When I wrote it, I imagined their house being burnt, not them.
" am not sure if I understood the message, but I have an idea. I won't say it because I will look stupid if its wrong."
No! You won't look stupid nor wrong! You will look perfect if you told me what you thought the message what, because then I can change my poem to thus change my message. |
_________________ my world isn't only beautiful
it is so far away |
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chocoholic
Give me the chocolate and nobody gets hurt Master of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 14 Joined: 31 May 2007 Posts: 1610 Reviews: 516 Country: Raxacoricofallapatorius 1539 Points
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Posted: Sun Apr 13, 2008 11:12 am Post subject: |
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Okay, so poetry isn't my area of expertise, and I don't know how mch I can help you.
I quite liked this. I like reading poetry and lyrics that are like stories, they're better than random ramblings.
| Quote: |
Our home was filled
with strangers, and their clothes smelled like
tires, and tears, and metal, and the Diaspora
of neighbors, some homes are only cinders; smoke
clogging our city, |
I can't be sure, but wasn't there loads of fires somewhere in America earlier this year or something? Because that's what this bit reminded me of. I could be wrong, but it's what it made me think too.
I don't have anything else to say. But I really liked it. |
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Jadeite
Junior Writer

 Gender:  Age: 20 Joined: 13 Apr 2008 Posts: 31 Reviews: 25 Country: USA 300 Points
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Posted: Mon Apr 14, 2008 2:45 am Post subject: |
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| Very interesting poem. I enjoyed the read. I think its the most interesting poem I've read. Great job! |
_________________ Sincerely,
Jade |
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x-tears-x
Writer

 Gender:  Age: 14 Joined: 14 Apr 2008 Posts: 50 Reviews: 34
300 Points
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Posted: Mon Apr 14, 2008 9:33 pm Post subject: |
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| Intersesting. Really nice. How do you write like that?! i enjoyed it. |
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Gadi.
OBAMA FOR PREZ Speaker of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 15 Joined: 06 Aug 2007 Posts: 937 Reviews: 393 Country: I wish it was in my comfy bed, under the covers... 216 Points
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Posted: Sun Apr 20, 2008 7:32 pm Post subject: |
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| I can't be sure, but wasn't there loads of fires somewhere in America earlier this year or something? Because that's what this bit reminded me of. I could be wrong, but it's what it made me think too. |
Yes... this is based on the October 2007 San Diego fires. I was evacuated, but our house didn't burn down like I wrote in the poem. There were about 1000 homes lost, however, and I tried to put these feelings of loss, anger and wistfulness into this poem. |
_________________ my world isn't only beautiful
it is so far away |
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W1ldF1r3
Junior Writer
 Gender:  Age: 13 Joined: 18 Apr 2008 Posts: 49 Reviews: 28
300 Points
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Posted: Mon Apr 21, 2008 10:09 am Post subject: |
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First thats an awsome tital you've got, best tital in the world.
A very interesting poem, it has rwal meaning to it.
Keep it up. |
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ink_on_fire
Senior Writer

 Gender:  Age: 16 Joined: 09 Apr 2008 Posts: 179 Reviews: 84 Country: Australia 300 Points
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Posted: Mon Apr 21, 2008 10:36 am Post subject: |
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Endless, it pierces through walls like
soldiers of war—flame, flesh and glass,
it never loved anyone but itself. |
Wonderful poem. It's definitely dramatic.
I love the very last part, about never loving anyone except itself. Strong.
There's nothing I can see that needs critiquing, it's so original.
Great job
Peace V
Inky |
_________________ Smile - ur alive |
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