Stop The Scrolling Header | Enable the Scrolling Header

Firefox 3

News:  

The Rules of Writing

YWS Journal Now On Amazon!
Username:    Password:      Log me on automatically each visit    
Feebly Hell You're In.
Feebly Hell You're In.

by Echolair in Dramatic Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Romantic Fiction

This thread was created on March 28, 2008
Post new topic   Reply to topic
Digg It Del.icio.us

Related Items
Possible Related Items Follow:
Keri's love Chapter One Part one
Keri's Love Chapter One Part Two
Keri's love Chapter One Part One (Redone)
Keri's Love Chapter Two Part One
Keri's Love Chapter Two Part One (Redone)
Keri's Love Chapter Two Part Three
Keri's Love Chapter Two Part Four
Keri's Love Chapter Two Part Five
Keri's Love Chapter Three Part One

Keri's Love Chapter One Part Two (Redone)
Topic ID: 27851
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
TNCowgirl   View This User's Portfolio
Horse Freak/ Storybook junkie
Epic Novelist

97
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 16
Joined: 13 May 2007
Posts: 4765
Reviews: 97
Country: USA
250 Points

PostPosted: Sat Mar 29, 2008 1:07 am    Post subject: Keri's Love Chapter One Part Two (Redone) Reply with quote

“Wanna dance?” He asked looking down at her. She had to look up, to see him, she was only a foot shorter then him. She was small for twenty-two, but she had never let that stop her.

“Sure.” She smiled. The music was soft and slow and she had wanted to dance all night. Her heart seemed to leap up in her throat as she felt his arms wrap around her waist. She gingerly put her arms on his shoulders and let her body sway with the music. For some reason she wanted to never stop dancing. She felt something with his arms around her, a security maybe? She looked up and their eyes locked, she barely kept herself from gasping. His eyes seemed to be focused only on her. She felt he might kiss her, and for some reason she wanted him too. All the fears about guys seemed to float away when she looked into his eyes.

He didn’t though. She had known he wouldn’t though, deep inside she had known that. She saw his eyes flicker past her and his body tensed. She turned her head around twisting her body a little to see. Two guys stood there, arms crossed, faces hard. There was a girl standing in front of them with the look of pure anger of her face. She was glaring right at Keri. When her eyes met Keri’s she made her way towards the two, the two guys following. Keri looked at the guy surprised, and was about to ask him who they were, but she didn’t have time for they were already there. The girl glared at Keri and she felt her arms move to her side. She moved away from the guy, he sent her a hurt look, but faced the group.

“Who the hell are you?” The girl demanded, Keri felt her whole body tense up in defense.

“Amber, what are you doing here?” The guy demanded not letting Keri respond to the girl. There was obvious tension between the group. She wanted to walk away to never see the guy and his friends again, but for some reason she couldn’t.

“I was sent here to get you, Ryder, your father wont be happy when I have to report to him how I found you.” Amber hissed, “Now, let’s go.”

Keri didn’t know what to think, she just stood there, stund. Was this Amber his girlfriend, no she would’ve tried to start something. But Keri had a feeling she liked him, and that this wasn’t going to make Keri’s life any simpler that night.

“As I told him before, until I have found what I’ve been looking for I’m not coming back.” Ryder said firmly from behind her.

“HA! And you think you are going to find it here!” Amber laughed, “You know just as well as I do that that isn’t going to happen. You have to stick with your own kind.”

“Amber, leave. NOW!” Ryder said in such a firm voice that Keri felt like shrinking. Amber must’ve felt the same way because she backed up.

“Alright, but when your father hears about this. I will feel sorry for the….” Amber didn’t finish her sentence, Keri glanced at Ryder and saw that his blue eyes had turned to a stony glare. Amber just spun around and left the two guys following. Keri looked back at Ryder, the anger that shown in his eyes made her step back. His eyes finally looked at her and they softened. He stepped towards her and she just crossed her arms.

“Sorry about that.” He smiled,

“What was that about?” She demanded.

“Just some family trouble.” He smiled, “I’m sorry you got stuck in the middle of it.” He pulled her close and tried to get her to dance again. She pulled away and frowned.

“KERI! Let’s go!” A drunken yell sounded over the music.

“I have to go.” She said stepping back. Half of her made her want to step towards him, but the anger that had been his eyes kept her from it.

“Can I meet you for coffee or something later?” He asked stepping towards her again.

“I don’t know.” She muttered, “I’ve got my own troubles to deal with.”

“Please,” He said stepping towards her again.

“Fine, but just for coffee.” She replied, she scribbled her number on a napkin and handed it to him turning and walking towards the rest of her group She couldn’t get him out of her mind as she drove home. No matter what she couldn’t forget Ryder’s soft eyes and handsome features. Not matter how hard she tried she couldn’t forget him. Even as she slowly laid down in her bed after striping her clothes off and replacing them with a halter top and shorts he still filled her mind. She tried to think of something else. Like the fact that there were two weeks until she went home, two weeks until she could ride again, feel free again. Two weeks until there would be no way of Ryder finding her.

The thought made a sad sob choke at her throat. Could she have really found a guy she trusted and completely leave him to never see him again. She shivered and crawled farther down under her covers. She would have to think about something else. Something less depressing, something like the way she seemed to melt under his soft gaze. Any memory of his hard eyes had long sense been forgotten and her vivid imagination was hard at work. She knew she wanted to see him again, Get to know more about him.


_________________
my Blog:Down South
Vist my world and make it bigger!
http://tncs-world.myminicity.com/
Want a Readers crit???
Gone until Monday!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address
day tripper   View This User's Portfolio
Senior Writer

60
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 13
Joined: 05 Mar 2008
Posts: 132
Reviews: 60
Country: United States
200 Points

PostPosted: Sat Mar 29, 2008 3:48 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yeah, see, now I seriously am diggin' this!(:
It makes me crave more.
See, if you keep a relationship between a boy and girl
low, the more the reader wants to read because the more
they want to read until they get to the part they kiss.
When they kiss, the reader feels satisfied and doesn't
really want to read anymore.
So when you keep them hanging like that, they keep reading.
(:


Great job!

_________________
I'm just a teenage dirtbag, Baby.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website AIM Address MSN Messenger
Boon   View This User's Portfolio
Lone Wolf
Speaker of the Forum

93
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 15
Joined: 21 Feb 2007
Posts: 679
Reviews: 93
Country: Alpha Galaxy
41 Points

PostPosted: Wed Apr 09, 2008 11:31 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
she was only a foot shorter then than him.

Than not then. Check over grammar whether it be a Grammar checker or yourself.

Quote:
She had known he wouldn’t though,

It could do without the though.

Quote:
Two guys stood there, arms crossed, faces hard

Where is 'there' is it by the entrence or directly behind. Readers need refrences.

Quote:
She wanted to walk away to never see the guy and his friends again, but for some reason she couldn’t.

Doesn't sound right in the bolded area. Please reword it.

Quote:
Keri didn’t know what to think, she just stood there, stund stunned.

Spell check.

Like I said in the first review, I'm not into the mushy-mush stuff so I can't help you with that, but I will help you with what grammar I can. It sounds good so far, but you want to draw the reader in more. My eyes started to water while reading this, but that is from staring at the computer screen. You want tears to come to the readers eyes out of pity, not eye-strain.

_________________
Your life is yours alone. Rise up and live it.
-Terry Goodkind, Sword of Truth: Faith of the Fallen-

-DragonFireAsh-
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
HarmonicWriting   View This User's Portfolio
Junior Writer

11
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 14
Joined: 09 Sep 2007
Posts: 28
Reviews: 11
Country: USA
300 Points

PostPosted: Sun Apr 13, 2008 1:53 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm more drawn into this than before. I really want to know what Ryder's secret is and what he's looking for. The romance in this is good because if they had kissed already, it would have lost some suspense.

Before posting, I'd suggest a grammar and spell check because there seems to be quite a lot of little mistakes.

Keep up the good work!

-Harmony
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website AIM Address MSN Messenger
Vampy_Girl15   View This User's Portfolio
Créature de la Nuit
Speaker of the Forum

52
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 14
Joined: 09 Apr 2008
Posts: 602
Reviews: 52
Country: United States
409 Points

PostPosted: Mon Apr 14, 2008 9:02 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Keri looked at the guy surprised, and was about to ask him who they were, but she didn’t have time for they were already there. The girl glared at Keri and she felt her arms move to her side. She moved away from the guy, he sent her a hurt look, but faced the group.

Where you say 'the guy' it's Ryder right? If it is I think you should put 'Ryder' because it gets a little confusing. Other than that it sounded great i love this so far. I can't wait to see what his 'kind' is...

_________________
The grass is always brown and the weeds are always green.

Multiple personalities are just good social skills.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website AIM Address
Display posts from previous:   
This thread was created on March 28, 2008
Post new topic   Reply to topic
   Young Writers Society Forum Index » Romantic Fiction All times are GMT
Page 1 of 1

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum
You can attach files in this forum
You can download files in this forum
This thread was created on March 28, 2008

Graphics By Bobo | YWS Sword & Shield Logo by Bobo
Bartemius says, I will not condemn you for what you did yesterday, if you do it right today. - Sheldon S. Maye
Contact | Memberlist | Copyright Policy | YWS Store | Site Map
Facebook |  Goodreads |  Live Journal |  MySpace |  Wikipedia

© 2004 - 2008 The Young Writers Society