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Gray (III)
Gray (III)

by ~Volant~ in Scripts
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Other Fiction

This thread was created on March 26, 2008
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Her Only Friend
Topic ID: 27751
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Stella Thomas   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Wed Mar 26, 2008 7:22 pm    Post subject: Her Only Friend Reply with quote

The flames danced before her eyes as they caught. They twisted and spiralled, pirouetting like ballerinas, slender and curving. They moved quickly, catching every piece of darkness as if it were fuel.

Like a mother watching over her children, she smiled as they grew, as they learnt to grab the branches below them and swell, reaching higher into the night. The stars were dimmed to mere specks, imperfect spots on the indigo violet. But the fire, the fire thrived in the loneliness.

The night was silent, as if all the birds had been put to sleep and no beast had woken from its winter slumber. The blaze broke the silence, crackling contentedly, like the sound of paper being crumpled in her hands. Sparks popped into being, fireflies breaking free and surviving for a few seconds before being swallowed by the freezing ground.

She held her hands out and let her eyelids slide down. She threw her head back and felt the fierce glow on her face and neck. In the blackness of her mind, she imagined herself golden in the light. Golden, warm, and beautiful, like the being she had created.

The icy air closed in from all other sides, sharp as daggers. It bit into her, the wind blowing it into the centre of her bones. She ignored it, thinking only of the love of the thing she has made. It burnt slowly, releasing the heat trapped in the wood.

She opened her eyes, the orange reflecting in them. The fire was beautiful; it broke her heart every time it spluttered on a piece of too green wood. She began to feed it more, until the tongues of scarlet and tangerine reached the heavens.

She slipped her shoes off and curled her toes in the loose soil. It was cold and damp; dew was beginning to fall. She held her hands out, palm up to the heavens; she could feel the tiny pinpricks, as easily killed as the beautiful sparks.

Out here, nobody would find her. The night was too dark for the smoke to be seen. The air was icy, down below the villagers would have settled long ago. There was just her and the fire. The tall black pines hid her from view. She thought how curious it was that tonight; they did not shudder and drop needles onto the undergrowth. It was silent, just for her.

She breathed in the scent of wood-smoke, It was her favourite. Coal was heavy and grey, peat was almost too rich, too homey. But wood, wood burnt with a delicious aroma that made her love it even more.

It absorbed her fully, beckoning to her with svelte fingers, its snapping voice that of a mother. Their places had been changed, she thought happily, listening to the message. Come, it told her. Come and join me.

A few months ago, she would have refused. She would have told it No. I should not be here. You should not be here. But now, she had lost everything to it, there was nothing left for her beyond the woods. On this little jutting piece of land, above the deep ravine, all that she now cared for, the only thing she could now love, asked a favour of her.

She did not look back once. She had taught this fire to grow, so much more rapidly than people. It learnt so quickly, and seemed so wise.

She simply looked to where its tongues reached up, a stairway to heaven, and followed her only friend to her death.

*

They found her, the smoke having not left when the sun arrived. It clouded the sky just above them as it faded. The air was thick with it, they drew short and sudden breaths as they came to the source of the heat. The flames had died now, uncared for, but still the dense hotness crowded the air.

It was odd, the woodsman thought, turning her over sadly, how she loved the brightness and warmth so much and yet she favoured the night.

His companions were joyful. “She’s dead,” his closest friend, a wiry man with a hard brown face, said to him. “Why are you so sad?”

“After all of it, she couldn’t control it herself.”

“She gave in,” called another man. “And thank goodness she did.”

He spared the body, blackened and shrivelled another look. Her face was blissful in death.

“Are you not sorry, even a little?” he asked his companions. “She had so much life.”

“She was an arsonist, she deserved what she got,” one said. “Come on, we should go back and tell the village. There’ll be singing tonight.”

The woodsman hesitated for a moment, his huge, stocky fingers hovering over her body.

“We shouldn’t bring her back?”

“Let her rot,” said the gruff leader. “She brought it on herself.”

The other men heaved and began to leave. The wiry man looked at his friend, still not moving.

“Come on,” he said to the woodcutter. “There’s nothing you can do.”

“I know,” he said, picking himself up. “But she was so young.” He glanced back once more at the tiny body. “Seven years is far too short a time to spend in this world…”


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KJ   View This User's Portfolio
Who needs rhetorical questions?
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PostPosted: Wed Mar 26, 2008 8:09 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Cool, I'm the first one to comment.

Okay, so overall, it was pretty good. Interesting idea. But to be honest, even though I thought the details were pretty and insightful, I felt there was far too many of them. I got a bit bored and forced myself through some of it.

And I think that it would be better if there were a bit more internal conflict in the girl. I'd also like to know WHY she killed herself. It was unclear. Did her best friend, a human, die? Or is the fire her best friend? It may be just me, maybe I'm reading too much into it, but I thought that confusing.

And I think that there would have been a bit more sympathy from the men who found her. Their joy from her death was, to me, unrealistic. If she really is a girl of seven, even if she was an arsonist, they'd probably be a little more sober and keep their glee to themselves.

But it WAS creative. I did like it. Keep writing.

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Griffinkeeper   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Wed Mar 26, 2008 8:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Excellent work. I'd run a spellcheck just to be sure.

I think that, after being burned alive, there would be nothing left to rot, all that would be left would be bone and ash. By the same token it would be difficult to interpret any facial expression.

Death by fire is likewise extremely painful, but I think artistic license might override this.

Gold star!

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ashleylee   View This User's Portfolio
is really behind on reviewing. Sorry Everyone!
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PostPosted: Thu Mar 27, 2008 2:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I think this was very descriptive. You described everything to the smallest of details, making it so easy for me to imagine what is going on.

However, it is kind of confusing on what is going on. There is a lot of unanswered questions here.

Why was she an arsonist? What was her passion with fire? Why did she crave the flames? ect. I'm not sure if that was you intention to leave the reader hanging. It might have been but I'm not sure on that.

Besides that, I enjoyed reading it. It had emotion to it. I could feel the flames and the heat of the forest. It was really cool how you described...umm...let me quote it for you! Smile

Quote:
She began to feed it more, until the tongues of scarlet and tangerine reached the heavens.


I loved how you used the word tangerine. I'm not sure why but I just loved this line.

Well, that's all for now. I can't find anything really wrong with this so the only advise is Keep Writing!

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PostPosted: Thu Mar 27, 2008 3:28 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You've got some beautiful narrative here. However, I have to agree with KJ about it being unclear. It was so vague, it's very hard to tell exactly what's going on.

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PostPosted: Tue Apr 08, 2008 12:11 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I really loved this piece. Your descriptions were beautiful.

Quote:
They twisted and spiralled, pirouetting like ballerinas, slender and curving.

Loved this metaphor. Very appropriate, but not the first thing that comes to one's mind when one thinks of fire. Brilliant

I disagree with KJ and Rei. I think that the vagueness added a certain mystique to your piece. As a short story, the details aren't always needed. Though I agree that the townsfolk could have shown a little more grief at the death of a seven-year-old.

Original, well-written and the twist at the end about her age... loved it

well done Smile

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Dream of the Fayth   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sun Apr 13, 2008 3:11 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey there. This is a free critique that you get for participating the contest. Enjoy.

Quote:
Sparks popped into being, fireflies breaking free and surviving for a few seconds before being swallowed by the freezing ground.


Very nice description.

Quote:
In the blackness of her mind, she imagined herself golden in the light. Golden, warm, and beautiful, like the being she had created.


Just a little nitpick, but I don't like how the word "golden" is repeated and it kinda slows the flow down a bit.

Quote:
There was just her and the fire.


Is this really necessary? I think we should know by now that she is alone with the fire.

Quote:
“I know,” he said, picking himself up. “But she was so young.” He glanced back once more at the tiny body. “Seven years is far too short a time to spend in this world…”


Excellent finish.

Overall impressions:

I'm not entirely sure if I had liked this or not. I think I did. I mean your descriptions were very good and I like how you intertwined it with the girl. On the whole, the piece was quite creative and well thought out, but I got bored as I kept reading this, mostly due to the fact that I was bogged down with descriptions and poetic techniques. There wasn't much of a conflict in this piece nor was there sufficient character development for me to actually pay attention when she died and the aftermath of it. I think more attention should had been focused on the girl to make this piece more effective, but on the other hand, the piece focuses on fire so I really wasn't expecting some character development. I guess keeping things vague also adds a sense of mystery to the piece.

But if I was to give a non biased opinion on this, then I thought that it was good. If I had included my bias in my opinion, then it would only be ok due to it being a bti dragged and somewhat boring to read.

Andy.

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This thread was created on March 26, 2008

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