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Fandilocks
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 Posted: Mon Apr 07, 2008 12:41 am Post subject: The Moon Was Almost Full |
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--Tear it to shreds.
Yesterday I was cut neatly in half—
biology students could insert scalpels
and eyebrow tweezers and push
tiny flags into the fleshy parts
on either side of the divide.
Today I know that I am
half the view from my window
at 8:30 on a March morning,
half the trees blossoming
outside the Shady Grove Metro station,
half the rainbow of post-it notes
that wallpaper my desk,
half laying nude in the sun with a healing scar
where my umbilical cord once was.
I am a child given to excesses, and a woman,
indulgent and realistic. I am a
Caution, Winding Roads
sign and a cat asleep on a blue duvet.
Yesterday I was cut neatly in half, but the moon
was almost full, and the inevitable fulfilled its destiny.
What I learned today: I cannot give away my soul,
no matter how it is sliced. |
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yoha_ahoy
yoyo
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| Posted: Mon Apr 07, 2008 6:04 am Post subject: |
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"--Tear it to shreads." Okay! 
"and eyebrow tweezers and push" it sounds like you're pushing with eyebrow tweezers. It's weird.
"Today, [comma] I know that I am..."
I would break up thses lines differently to be this:
"I am a child given to excesses,
and a woman, indulgent and realistic.
I am a "Caution, Winding Roads"
sign and a cat asleep on a blue duvet."
And quote "Caution, Winding Roads."
Yoyo's version of gentle shredding. I liked this. It was interesting and abstract. Keep writing!
~Yoyo  |
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Fandilocks
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| Posted: Wed Apr 09, 2008 7:38 pm Post subject: |
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| Thanks, yoyo! I know what you mean about the eyebrow tweezers line--I've been trying to come up with a better way to word it, but I'm at a loss. And thanks for the suggestions on the linebreaks! Those are always a concern for me. |
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revolver-x
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| Posted: Thu Apr 10, 2008 2:11 pm Post subject: |
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i liked it. especially the ending.
"was almost full, and the inevitable fulfilled its destiny.
What I learned today: I cannot give away my soul,
no matter how it is sliced."
well-written. |
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ink_on_fire
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| Posted: Thu Apr 10, 2008 2:18 pm Post subject: |
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wow...
Wierd lol. But i loved it.
You can portray an awesome picture 
Love this work...
V |
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Snoink
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| Posted: Thu Apr 10, 2008 11:39 pm Post subject: |
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Ugh! I hated the imagery! Any mention of surgery and cutting makes me feel twitchy. Don't ask... it involves an almost-tragedy with me and a chainsaw. Slightly traumatizing...
Anyway. That was very unhelpful. But yeah.
You've gotten to be quite a pretty poet. ^_^ |
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Incandescence
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| Posted: Fri Apr 11, 2008 7:44 am Post subject: |
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Damn!
By far the best poem for at least a few pages--there's a lot to like here. The foundation of "life" versus prenatal bliss could be fine-tuned a bit; the variation in the images for the beginning of S2 could be compressed. Other than that, however, the strophes are strong indvidually and better in combination, and the end result is rewarding.
It was a pleasure to read this and think about it.
Thanks for sharing,
Brad |
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Sythe
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| Posted: Sat Apr 12, 2008 6:29 pm Post subject: |
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Wow. This was really different. Unlike anything I've ever read on this site - or in the world. Cool!
I don't really understand the actual meaning of them poem. It's kinda vague, but I liked the rhythm. It's just.. um... how can I say it?
Beautiful.
:Sythe: |
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blacktiger3915
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| Posted: Sat Apr 12, 2008 7:38 pm Post subject: |
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| oooooh....nice. I enjoyed reading this piece thank you. Keep writing. |
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