Topic ID: 25336
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
Muse
I am Mclovin
Speaker of the Forum
Gender: 
Age: 18
Joined: 08 Dec 2004
Posts: 882
Reviews: 175
Country: Scotland, way hay
300 Points
|
 Posted: Wed Jan 30, 2008 11:36 pm Post subject: Belladonna |
 |
|
EEk, this is the first poem i have submitted in a LONG time. Im not sure why im submitting this one...i wrote it very quickly. I just like it, i guess. Be kind guys. Constructive i can take but dont be mean XD. It's a bit specific, so i'll understand if you dont get all of it.
Belladonna
Though sweet to the taste,
sweet by nature you are not.
A rising pulse which flutters
like a moth’s drumming wings
before feebling into extinction.
Oh Belladonna,
Why do you wreak such revenge?
Your violet trumpets
should erupt a warning fanfare
of the fever, the frenzy and the fret,
not tempt me with tales
of irresistibility,
brightened eyes and
a siren’s call.
Instead, my widening eyes go black,
catch shadows morphing into
pale kings and princes,
who howl late warnings
through stretched and starved lips.
a fever draws,
no words can escape.
These eyes,
which hoped to entrance,
freeze in a widened convulsion.
My lover’s name dries on my parched lips.
I take your violent hand,
and with laughter
you lead me to emptiness. |
_________________
"Sometimes we see a cloud that's dragonish,
A vapour sometimes like a bear or lion,
A towered citadel, a pendant rock,
A forked mountain, or blue promontory,
With trees upon't that nod unto the world,And mock our eyes with air.." |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
xhalcyonx128
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 19 Oct 2007
Posts: 152
Reviews: 114
Country: Over the river and through the woods
300 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Jan 31, 2008 3:57 am Post subject: |
|
|
Interesting...I like this.
The first and last stanza are self-explainatory and get the point of the poem across (about the insanely manipulative lover that you can not resist, even though you are with another person)
Stanza Two: First of all, im not entirely sure that "wreak" is with a w, but I could be mistaken.
"Why do you wreak such revenge?"
I'm not sure if 'revenge' is the best word there, maybe havoc instead. So far you haven't mentioned a cause for revenge, so it seems rather out of place.
"your violet trumpets"
What are these violet trumpets? I'm a female as well and I know my anatomy, but I'm not entirely aware of anything that would qualify as a purple noisemakers.
"brightened" is rather lax, you can think of another word. Intoxicating perhaps?
"siren's call"
Good call with the mythological allusion.
Stanza Three: This stanza is rather vague. What I got from it was that her past "victims" were trying to warn you indirectly, or something to that effect.
"my widening eyes go black"
This can be taken to mean the narrater went blind, his pupils dilated to fill his entire eye, or he fell unconcience. Make it clear exactly what happens to the narrator, literally or metaphorically.
"pale kings and princes"
What is the purpose of making them royalty?
"howl late warnings through streached and starved lips"
Are they starved for Belladonna's affection? If so, why would they 'howl late warnings'? This all seems very out of place. I got the mental image of shriveled shadows of kings coming out from the wall and moaning to the narrator. Not the mental picture I'm sure you were hoping for.
Stanza Four: "my lover's name drys on my parched lips"
So Belladonna is enticing the narrator away from his lover? Scandalous. I like it. |
_________________
Be obscure clearly - E. B. White
Got YWS? |
|
| Back to top |
|
Muse
I am Mclovin
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 08 Dec 2004
Posts: 882
Reviews: 175
Country: Scotland, way hay
300 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Jan 31, 2008 12:28 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Woo thanks for the reply. I guess should make the context a bit clearer though. Belladonna is a poisonous plant (the same as Deadly Nightshade). Her "purple trumpets" are therefore her flowers. Eating just three of the berries causes certain death, but droplets of the poison in the eyes is supposed to make you "irrisistable". Some of the symptoms of her poison is hallucinations; dry, rasping voice; dilated pupils; red face and fever, convulsions. All nice things like that.
so the fact you got the image of the shriveled kings coming out the walls was exactly what i was looking for lol. Yus. Im glad that without knowing it was a poison, you could still make pretty good sense of it. Thanks! x |
_________________
"Sometimes we see a cloud that's dragonish,
A vapour sometimes like a bear or lion,
A towered citadel, a pendant rock,
A forked mountain, or blue promontory,
With trees upon't that nod unto the world,And mock our eyes with air.." |
|
| Back to top |
|
Matt Bellamy
Tech Monkey
Master of the Forum
Age: 20
Joined: 08 Dec 2004
Posts: 1758
Reviews: 257
Country: England
300 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Jan 31, 2008 9:12 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| I really like the tone of this piece, it just...sounds so good, you know? Your description is excellent, as well. Though I think I liked it better before I read your explanation of what it was about, I saw Belladonna as a woman, so I suppose you also made good use of personification in there. Good work. |
_________________
Matt.
Get your poetry critiques here!
Have I given you a helpful critique? Clicky here! |
|
| Back to top |
|
Piranha
Novice
Gender:
Age: 23
Joined: 03 Apr 2008
Posts: 12
Reviews: 10
300 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Apr 10, 2008 4:59 am Post subject: |
|
|
It's kind of odd how I found this poem-- I was browsing the main page and as I was glancing over the online users, I saw the name 'Muse,' which is the internet pseudonym I always go by, with the strange exception of YWS. I don't know what compelled me to go by Piranha instead of Muse on here, but it turns out it was a good thing I didn't try for Muse, as I would have been sorely disappointed! I was curious as to the personality behind the name, since it has a special place in my heart, and stumbled across this poem. Though I feel I give good and helpful crits, this time I assure you that the serendipity is all mine! ;)
Anyway! Tangent, much?
When I read this poem for the first time, my thought process echoed xhalcyonx128 almost exactly. I wasn't even going to bother with a critique. I too thought of the speaker as being seduced away from his lover. In the end, I liked my first read-through quite a bit. It was clever, smart, (the alliteration was gorgeous), and even though I was slightly confused by parts, it was written so well that I didn't mind all too much.
And then I read your response, about how it was about Belladonna, the poisonous plant, and when I read it through a second time with that in mind, everything tied together so beautifully and thoughtfully and skillfully that I ended up -loving- this poem.
I truly believe knowing that makes all the difference. So I thought about how you could convey that little bit of factual (and in my opinion, crucial!) information to the reader. I thought maybe you could make an endnote, or some sort of preface, but I quickly cast those ideas away as being too weak.
And then I thought maybe you could convey it in the title. My favorite idea is to change it to reflect the scientific name for Belladonna: Atropa belladonna or A. belladonna (italicized on purpose, as scientific names are italicized)
That way, the reader knows exactly what you are referring to (or at least, has the information available to find out). For me, anyway, knowing that you were referring to the poisonous plant is what changed this poem from a good one to a great one.
If you don't like the scientific name, perhaps using the colloquial name (Deadly Nightshade) would work just as well.
There's my two cents! Do with it what you will! You know what's best for your poem, after all. ;) |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
Muse
I am Mclovin
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 08 Dec 2004
Posts: 882
Reviews: 175
Country: Scotland, way hay
300 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Apr 10, 2008 8:58 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Thanks Piranha, im glad you liked it! Yeah, i did think about using the scientific name, but i wasn't sure if that would perhaps make it too obvious that it was about the plant. I like ambiguity, but i suppose if it clarifies it just slightly...
And that is weird about the name thing. x |
_________________
"Sometimes we see a cloud that's dragonish,
A vapour sometimes like a bear or lion,
A towered citadel, a pendant rock,
A forked mountain, or blue promontory,
With trees upon't that nod unto the world,And mock our eyes with air.." |
|
| Back to top |
|
jessiieeboo
Writer
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 12 Jan 2008
Posts: 56
Reviews: 42
Country: usa
300 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Apr 11, 2008 2:17 am Post subject: |
|
|
Very interesting.... I love it. Although, the ending was a little too abrupt for my liking I feel like it was sorta just like a 'plonk' into a wall, if you get what I am saying...  Over all it you used very nice vocabulary and great phrases. Very nice. Keep working on this!! 
Jessie xx |
_________________
peace love +& respect,
jess♥ |
|
| Back to top |
|
Fireweed
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 13 Jun 2005
Posts: 635
Reviews: 319
Country: U.S... Alaska, to be precise
300 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Apr 11, 2008 4:34 am Post subject: |
|
|
Very interesting... The phrasing and imagery are lovely, but I had a hard time deciphering much meaning from it- all I really gathered was you were adressing a seductive women- until you explained the context. Even then, I wasn't quite sure what to make of it- is the Belladonna flower a metaphor for a particular person, or, vice versa, the poem is simply a personification of the plant? The poem doesn't really stand alone- an explanation is required to fully grasp it. I think Piranha's suggestion is a good one- a scientific name would indicate what you were referring to with detracting from the poetic flow. You could even take it farther and put an encyclopedia entry in italics at the beginning of the poem, though that would be less subtle...
It's a bit convoluted, but quite beautiful and very original. The idea of a poisonous flower as a metaphor for a temptress is very fitting and poetic. ^_^ |
_________________
No blinding light
No tunnels to gates of white
Just our hands clasped so tight
Waiting for the hint of a spark... |
|
| Back to top |
|
Fandilocks
Minxfrau.
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 20
Joined: 23 Jul 2006
Posts: 1350
Reviews: 368
Country: Cockaigne
300 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Apr 11, 2008 4:16 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| Piranha stole all my comments before I even read the poem, I'm afraid. This is truly gorgeous, Muse; I love the alliteration, and the imagery is so vibrant, especially since it can easily be read in more than one way. Lovely. ^_^ |
_________________
A poet's work is to name the unnameable, to point at frauds, to take sides, start arguments, shape the world, and stop it going to sleep. |
|
| Back to top |
|
deafwriter_19
feels bad for beating up his avatar
Novelist
Gender: 
Age: 14
Joined: 11 Apr 2008
Posts: 340
Reviews: 110
Country: The Lacrymosa of A Deaf Teenager's Mind
363 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Apr 12, 2008 1:49 am Post subject: |
|
|
| Wow! I loved this poem. I loved how you displayed the imagery SO SO well! It is perfect. |
_________________
I don't have to be a great person. I have to be a great writer.
http://www.freewebs.com/ridiculouslyross/ |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
![I'm Not There [chapter one posted]](images/featured/5.jpg)
