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omgafilangi
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 Posted: Wed Apr 02, 2008 2:22 am Post subject: Emily's NaPoWriMo Thread |
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Day #1
Bubbles make us feel abandoned
Winds that hold false promises
Stir the weeds and soap dust
That cling like magic to every twig.
Oh, how lucky are the few
That ride the changing tides
Into the deep blue sky.
Will we ever see God?
We wait for our turn
To blow away in a rainbow orb.
Holding hands clasped 'round our secrets
We smile through our melancholy
And nod in agreement as they tell us to grow up.
We can be but children in a sunflower grove
And they can be the crows that pop the free spirits.
Someday we will be
The ones that got away.
This should be a fun month  You can critique, just keep in mind that these are for a NaWriMo thing, and therefore not at all finished. |
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Last edited by omgafilangi on Thu Apr 03, 2008 1:30 am; edited 2 times in total |
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Leja
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| Posted: Wed Apr 02, 2008 11:09 pm Post subject: |
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| The only critique I have is that these seem like a lot of one-line phrases. I like the contrast between plant seeds and the last line of "the ones that got away" ! |
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omgafilangi
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| Posted: Thu Apr 03, 2008 1:31 am Post subject: |
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Thanks! Now for Day 2....I almost don't want to post this, but I feel I must at the same time....
Day #2
Sometimes the trees all hold their breath
At the same time in an effort
To keep the grass from ganging up
On the leaves fallen far from home,
But they can only do so much
Before the sun kills the grass
To make the leaves feel better about themselves.
As a matter of fact, that was the point all along. |
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NaPoWriMo
The purpose of life is to fight maturity
-Dick Werthimer |
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Leja
may or may not be writing at present
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| Posted: Thu Apr 03, 2008 5:46 pm Post subject: |
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| I think that I think the ideas here are cool, but they seem a little fuzzy. The fourth line was the one that confused me; I feel like I'm missing a piece. I like the trees holding their breath in the first line ^_^ |
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omgafilangi
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| Posted: Thu Apr 03, 2008 8:17 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks Leja for commenting on my poems so far. Rest assured in May I'll take time to edit the ones that are worth editing. Hopefully this one is a little bit better than yesterdays. It really HAS been a long time since I've played guitar, by the way 
Day #3
The guitar strings vibrate through my soft, naive fingers
Innocently they pull to convey the tug
Of your fingers through my hair
And your words on my cheek.
The song swells, a stunning crescendo
As I recall the first rainfall
And your kiss between the raindrops.
It's been a long time since I've played guitar
And my pick has plumb forgotten
The way to play "Blackbird":
Our song.
So many years it's been
And my fingers bleed;
The calluses left me long ago.
With a vulnerable touch I pluck
Ignoring the pain in my fingertips,
As I remember the second rain:
A thunderstorm to scream to
A thunderstorm to cry to
If only for you.
It's been a long time since I've played guitar:
If I recall correctly
My calluses will return:
I just need a little time. |
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Trident
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| Posted: Fri Apr 04, 2008 5:01 am Post subject: |
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Hi there.
April 3
I liked the song-like quality of the poem. It's about a guitar and keeps with that image with the way you make it like a song. I think I would focus less on including romance throughout, though it should be present. Just cut down on it.
The first line seems really awkward to me as the strings vibrating through the fingers makes me think of them getting numb and that it might hurt a bit. |
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omgafilangi
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| Posted: Sat Apr 05, 2008 3:31 am Post subject: |
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Thanks Trident for the input! Now for today's poem (here it's still Friday! Half an hour to go!) and I just watched Almost Famous. If you haven't seen that movie I HIGHLY recommend it for anyone who likes music. At all. For real. So my mind is being heavily influenced by what I've just seen, and the first and last line are a quote from the movie.
Day #4
"What do you love about music?"
(It's a feeling you can never describe
The way a song fits into your soul
Like it was written just to speak only to you
And you think no one else in the world
Can possibly understand this song but you
When at the same time you feel like you know
Everything there is to know about
Everyone in the room
And your heart is about to explode
From the completeness of the moment.
No one can touch you, you are unbreakable)
"To begin with, everything."
Ok...probably my worst one so far. It's kinda just a stream of conscious type of thing....still, needs a lot of clean-up. This month is gonna be touuggghhhh.... |
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omgafilangi
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| Posted: Sun Apr 06, 2008 1:36 am Post subject: |
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Ugh...just not feeling it today.... NOTE: THIS POEM IS RATED PG-13
Day #5
Electricity is palpable
The air ignites, as the music rattles their rib cages
The world is on speed as they celebrate life
The night's soul explodes with excitement.
And there he is.
Smiles creep up into their eyes as they
Feel the flames.
The faces are blurry, her gaze is fuzzy
His calm hands are soothing.
Introductions are made to the darkness
His kiss is forbidden and tangy.
And then,
It's not.
Her body is on fire
As his impatience sears her tongue.
Breath runs from her lungs,
His desire crushes her to the bed.
Naive, innocent hands scratch
Screaming on his bare back.
Her mind is chaos, spiraling down, gripping her tight.
Turning her head, she looks to the floor
Aware that the pants crumpled there are his.
She can see the skin on her own legs.
And then-
Nothing. Blank.
A shadow.
Broken and crumpled.
Empty stares.
A soul lost. |
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NaPoWriMo
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-Dick Werthimer |
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kitty15
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| Posted: Fri Apr 11, 2008 8:11 pm Post subject: |
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April 1:
| Quote: |
| Bubbles make us feel abandoned |
I'd suggest ending this line in a full stop. I like the theme of this one, I think the positive view on death is great but I'd like to see more thoughts on what it might be like. Why is death something to be hoped for? Expand it!
April 2: This one is rather strange and a little unclear. The ideas feel unfinished. I like the personification of nature and I think it has potential but it needs more imagery, description and clarity.
April 3: This one's very pretty. I really like how you've interlaced the theme of the guitar with that of roamnce and the line about the callouses returning is great. The double meaning there is rather clever (I'm going to assume that you intended it to also reflect how a person's barrier against pain and loss can grow again) and in general, you had a good flow and some nice imagery.
April 4: I agree that this is the one I like least of your poems. It needs to be organised with propper punctuation and more dramatic lines.
April 5: I don't like the structure of this. I think you should just use a single line to seperate each stanza. That said, the content is good. Your flow is fast paced and your use of language is dramatic and effective. The second stanza is particularly good as is the end of the first and the dark, creepy atmosphere is well established. |
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Love is just the end and not the start
Of life. In truth, love has no role. |
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