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cat4prowl
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 Posted: Thu Apr 03, 2008 3:29 pm Post subject: Fire |
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AN: Something short I was playing around with for the On Fire Contest.
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A fine line drawn by a singed string.
Life, death; strange that two such different things should embrace,
press feverishly together, tangoing in a battle for survival.
Constantly licking at the surface of the other like dancing embers,
leaving burns, scars, that forever haunt the limbo.
Life-giving death and death-giving life reflected in the affray of light.
Scraps of fur that flee before the rampage of a clashed monster,
only to be enveloped in the death.
Descendents blessed with the side affects of the rampage,
the life that comes to soothe the death.
The balance of rage, the anger of life.
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Opinions wanted! |
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Last edited by cat4prowl on Mon Apr 14, 2008 3:30 pm; edited 3 times in total |
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Firestar
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| Posted: Thu Apr 03, 2008 4:57 pm Post subject: |
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| Really interesting! The only line that I didn't get was "that forever haunt the limbo". |
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mizz-iceberg
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| Posted: Tue Apr 08, 2008 4:42 pm Post subject: |
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I think this would go well in poetry form ... no?
Great descriptions and yes if you put it into poetry form, I think you would do quit well in the contest. But this is just my suggestion. |
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Sythe
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| Posted: Wed Apr 09, 2008 2:09 am Post subject: |
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Hi, Cat4Prowl. I owe you a critique!
This is really good. Really short, but really good. I love the whole 'fire' metaphor you threw in there. It's a lot more interesting to read that way. I really loved this line:
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| Life-giving death and death-giving life reflected in the affray of light. |
I really like the contradictory that you used. Very creative. What I would suggest is making this a tad bit longer; it might help you win the contest.
Good luck,
:Sythe: |
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| Posted: Thu Apr 10, 2008 6:34 pm Post subject: |
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Hey there! Hope you don't mind the slight edit to your post but please try to avoid using full caps, particularly in the literature section of the site.
I think this is well written but much too short for a piece of fiction. It would, however, work well as a poem as the others have suggested. I think 'A fine line drawn by a singed string' might be better as a fine line marked by a singed string or a fine line distinguished by a singed string.
Other than that, I don't have many suggestions. It flowed beautifully and while you did use the words death and life a little too often, I found both the content and description to be enjoyable.
If you decide to keep it as prose, expand it and add more structure, more plot. There needs to be some purpose to your writing.
If you want to change it to poetry, be careful where you place your line-breaks and expand on the imagery.
Heather xx |
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Maki-Chan
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| Posted: Fri Apr 11, 2008 9:55 pm Post subject: |
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| well written, the words are so lovely put togther, but its way too short! |
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cat4prowl
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| Posted: Sat Apr 12, 2008 12:07 am Post subject: |
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thank you everyone! i switched it to kind of a free-verse poem... I don't like poetry so uhh tell me what I did wrong?
Oh, and if someone wants to move this to a different section, fine by me. |
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OverEasy
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| Posted: Sat Apr 12, 2008 12:16 am Post subject: |
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I love this!
A few lines that really stuck out in a good way.
Life-giving death and death-giving life reflected in the affray of light.
Descendents blessed with the side affects of the rampage,
press feverishly together, tangoing in a battle for survival.
Love these, the slightly subtle yet in your face description is captivating.
Keep up the good work! |
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| Posted: Fri May 16, 2008 7:21 pm Post subject: Re: Fire |
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| You know I have never thought of fire in this way. Thank you for the visionary. I really really like this. |
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