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Maki-Chan
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 Posted: Wed Apr 09, 2008 2:34 am Post subject: Unloved- Prologue |
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Prologue
The blade pierced into my chest shedding a thousand crimson teardrops onto the ground. As the sounds of screams echoed through out the empty room, I wondered: Had it truly been worth it? In order to save another life, would I have to give my own?
I hadn't realized that the questions in my head were actually being asked by him. My faintish feeling caused me to believe for a moment that they were my thoughts.
Opening my mouth slightly, I tried to respond. But my throat was still sore and swollen. Instead I gave a light nod in return.
My vision blurred and the man before me just became a grey blob. I could not see his dark green lifeless eyes or his black silk hair. I smiled.
It was funny, the only reason I didn't start laughing was because I could not speak. The truth could not be hidden, I was just lying to myself. I didn't know why though, perhaps it would make dying a little bit more easier. If I believed I died for something. For someone I didn't love. But that didn't stop my body from moving. Using my own flesh as a shield; giving up all my hopes and dreams. Leaving the ones I loved and that truly loved me back, behind. I gave that all up for someone who in fact hated me, yet my body still moved.
The pools of blood around me soon vanished as the earth absorbed them, erasing their presence. As the sun set into the horizon, my life was soon going to end.
*Well do you like it?* |
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Last edited by Maki-Chan on Mon Apr 28, 2008 2:03 am; edited 6 times in total |
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Sythe
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| Posted: Wed Apr 09, 2008 2:53 am Post subject: |
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I like it. I'll give you that. I like it. It's something that I've always pondered about; would I actually sacrifice myself for someone else's?
There weren't many grammar issues that I could see. You did a pretty good job explaining yourself. I loved the whole thing, really. I wish I could offer you some criticism.
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I hadn't realized that the questions in my head, were actually being asked to me by him. |
This is quite the weird sentence...
I hadn't realized that the questions in my head were actually being asked by him.
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| *Well do you like it?* |
Two words.
I do.
:Sythe: |
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RoseMarie
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| Posted: Wed Apr 09, 2008 12:23 pm Post subject: |
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I really like this..but I want to know how do you come up with these amazing pieces for a beginning? I have the hardest trouble doing that. XD
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| I gave that all up for someone who in fact hated me, yet my body still moved. |
I like this sentence a lot for the weirdest reason. It's got that deep feeling to me and it ask a question, Would you lay your life down for someone who you loved but in return they hated you?
Interesting! I do like it though! |
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KJ
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| Posted: Wed Apr 09, 2008 12:46 pm Post subject: |
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Hey. Other than a few punctuation errors, I really found nothing. It was decently written, and an interesting start. But... am I supposed to know what's going on? Because at this point I have no idea and I feel utterly lost.
Guess I'll have to wait and see. Keep writing. |
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Alainna
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| Posted: Wed Apr 09, 2008 8:08 pm Post subject: |
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This was very intriguing and yes, I suppose I did like it.
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| The blade pierced into my chest shedding a thousand crimson tear drops onto the ground. |
Strong start.
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| I hadn't realized that the questions in my head, were actually being asked to me by him. |
As previously said, this needs to be changed.
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| Slightly opening my mouth I tried to respond. |
A bit of an awkward sentence. Consider:
Opening my mouth slightly, I tried to respond.
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| Now I could not see his dark green lifeless eyes, and his black silk hair. |
Again, a bit awkward. Consider swapping the words about a bit or trying something like:
I could no longer see his dark green lifeless eyes or his black silk hair.
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| Just as the sun sets into the horizon, my life was soon going to end. |
You swap tenses here. Should be: 'as the sun set'.
Overall, a good start and I'd be happy to crit any more that you post.
All the best,
Alainna
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JCobsesed
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| Posted: Wed Apr 09, 2008 8:33 pm Post subject: |
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| I hadn't realized that the questions in my head, were actually being asked to me by him. |
That is quite a weird way to word that...try something a little smoother and less cluttered like:
I hadn't realized that those questions were actually being asked by him.
It doesn't have to be crazy in depth, just sufficient, otherwise it becomes cluttered, as I said before.
Okay, what this reminded me of was the beginning of Twilight, you know how it starts out at the end, and it's short, to the point, and otherwise great for a prologue. My only problem with this is you didn't beat Stephenie Meyer to the punch. It's good, but almost too short to critique properly. Othewise, I can't wait to see how this turns out, let's see if you can make this trite idea you own. ;D
Keep up the good work!
-JC |
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Maki-Chan
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| Posted: Wed Apr 09, 2008 10:41 pm Post subject: |
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wow.... I guess you all liked it alot. Actually I got insperation from a scene in a movie- Bleach. ^_^
I'll fix it, and I'll put more to it. I hope you all like the other chapters. |
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Maki-Chan
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| Posted: Wed Apr 09, 2008 10:49 pm Post subject: |
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1. this is well a prologue and shouldn't really make sense.
2. I get insperation from the simplest and dumbest things- it comes unexspectedly, and with out warning.
^_^
I thank you all very much. |
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Vampy_Girl15
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| Posted: Thu Apr 10, 2008 9:17 pm Post subject: |
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It's a strong start. I enjoyed reading it, but as the others said there are a few punctuation errors. They aren't that bad though, easily fixed with the backspace key.
I also like the detail in it. It draws the reader in.
Can't wait to read the rest.  |
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Maki-Chan
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| Posted: Thu Apr 10, 2008 9:21 pm Post subject: |
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| I'm so happy that you all loved it so much! ^_^ I am still working on chapter 1 but its a little difficult- should I use first person view or 3rd person? |
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ambercoultis
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| Posted: Thu Apr 10, 2008 10:28 pm Post subject: |
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Im doing third person in a naritive tone on proble four characters in my story and ya that was good.
-em |
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Maki-Chan
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| Posted: Thu Apr 10, 2008 10:41 pm Post subject: |
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| I think I'll do first person view for my story. |
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ambercoultis
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| Posted: Thu Apr 10, 2008 10:52 pm Post subject: |
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| sounds good to me..i can't seem to write fully in first person... |
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Maki-Chan
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| Posted: Thu Apr 10, 2008 10:55 pm Post subject: |
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| its the opposite for me. First person view workds for me ^_^ |
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ambercoultis
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| Posted: Thu Apr 10, 2008 10:56 pm Post subject: |
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| cool... |
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