Chapter 10:
D’s War Journal:
Entry 3:
Everything has been a little hectic in the past week. I got shot by a tank because Caboose didn’t know how to operate the damn thing. It’s not so bad, though, it feels pretty good not having a physical body to weigh me down all the time.
The enemy leader had escaped after I accidentally shot my sergeant in the head. Grif managed to save him by giving him CPR, but as always Serge criticized him for it. Caboose was sent back to command for a few days to get his wounds treated. In the end we all survived, but the enemies have been pretty quiet for the past few days. I’m starting to worry they might mount another attack on us. If that happens, I’m not sure how long we can hold out. Out of everything that’s happened, the one thing that surprises me the most is how now, even as a ghost, I’m still able to write in my war journal.
D closed his book and put it back in its compartment in his armour. “Yup,” he said as he closed it, “definitely weird.”
He was sitting on a low cliff edge that overlooked his base. Everyone was doing their usual things, Grif was being lazy, Serge was yelling at Grif for being lazy, Simmons was agreeing with Serge, Caboose had his hand stuck in the mounted gun on the warthog and Lopez was trying to pull it out for him.
“Well, this is boring,” D said as he got up. “I wonder what the other team is doing.” He started to make his way down the cliff when he saw something silver. “Hey, what the-” He got closer to see his body still lay on the ground, the same place it was when he was shot in the first place. “Those a**holes didn’t even bury my body!”
“So, how’d you get your hand out of the mounted gun?” Grif asked. Serge had left just a few moments ago, leaving him and Simmons alone to talk with Caboose.
“One of my fingers was stuck on something inside the gun,” Caboose said, “so Lopez just cut it off and now my hand is free!”
“Uhh… he cut it off?” Grif asked, a little worried.
“Yes, I didn’t really need it anyway so everything worked out. Although he did forget to put a Band-Aid on it.” Caboose held his hand up to show them the red stump where his left pinkie finger used to be.
“You okay?” Simmons asked.
“I feel a little dizzy,” Caboose said.
“Dirt bags, front and centre!” Serge approached with Lopez at his back. Grif and Simmons got in line but Caboose stayed where he was. “Caboose, get yer keester beside Simmons!”
Caboose started to move but fell after the first few steps. “I think I need to take a nap now.”
“Get up, Caboose!” Serge demanded.
“I can’t.”
“Fine, stay there. Just tell me where you put the speech unit for Lopez that command gave you.”
“I put the box beside the big green glowing door.” Caboose was pointing at the teleporter. Beside it sat a small box.
Serge went over to the box and began to fish through the box and took out a weird gun-shaped object. “Ah, here it is. Good work, Caboose.”
“I am very cold.”
Serge ignored him as he made his way over to Lopez.
“Wait a minute,” Grif said. “Speech unit?”
“Command was fresh out of speech modules when I started building Lopez, but once I get this baby installed I’ll finally have someone intelligent to talk to!” He looked over Lopez’s shoulder at Simmons and added, “No offence, Simmons.”
“Oh, don’t worry. I know who you meant, sir.”
“Wait a second,” Grif said, “Lopez is a robot?”
Simmons looked at him and said, “Of course he is! You didn‘t notice that he never talks?”
“I just thought he was a really quiet guy.”
Serge added, “And the fact that he sleeps standing up and drinks motor oil didn’t get yer attention?”
“Well, I did think the motor oil thing was a bit odd. I just thought he was trying to impress me.”
As Serge got ready to use the device on Lopez Simmons said, “Hey sir, maybe you should ground yourself before handling that thing.”
“How come?” Serge asked.
“Because static can damage Lopez’s speech card.”
“Come on, that’s an urban legend they use to sell those stupid bracelets.”
Simmons and Grif looked at each other. Neither of them knew what Serge was talking about.
“And I suppose pop-rocks and soda are gonna make my stomach blow up- Gyaaoh!” An electrical spark came out of the device and shocked Serge. I caused him to step back and drop it.
“Sir, I won’t say I told you so, sir!” Simmons said.
“Good, I’d hate to make little boy blue over there my new private,” Serge said, motioning toward Caboose.
“Why is everything so dark?” Caboose asked.
It took a few minutes for Serge to put the finishing touches on Lopez’s speech unit. In the meantime Simmons and Grif got sick of hearing Caboose’s moaning and fixed up his hand. Now that his missing finger wasn’t bleeding anymore he was feeling a lot better.
“You feeling any better?” Simmons asked.
“Yes, I can feel my hand again.” Caboose said. “I was wondering something. What happened to me after the spider jumped on my head?”
“That was a grenade,” Grif said.
“Oh, that makes me feel a lot better,” Caboose said. “I was afraid that all spiders explode.”
“Do you remember anything after the grenade exploded?” Simmons asked.
“Well, I remember a loud bang, and then Simmons fainted.”
Grif turned to Simmons and said, “Ha! Told you so!”
“I did not faint!”
Serge took a step back from the brown armoured robot and said, “Done and done. Lopez, activate speech unit!”
There was a click inside Lopez’s helmet before he said, “Bowanos dias,” and started speaking Spanish.
“Am I the only one not understanding any of this?” Simmons asked.
Lopez said, “Meamo es Lopez,” within all the other gibberish he was spewing out.
“Lopez! He just said Lopez!” Grif said. “I understood that, I can speak Spanish!”
“Lopez,” Serge said, “speak English!”
Lopez started saying something else, but some of the words he used sounded like negative responses, meaning he couldn’t speak English.
“Huh…” Simmons turned to Serge. “I think you shorted out his speech unit with that static, sir.”
“Maybe nine fingers over here picked up the wrong model,” Serge said, motioning toward Caboose.
Caboose looked at his finger and said, “I miss my pinkie finger, his name was Frank.”
Serge ignored him and turned back to the robot. “Lopez, I order you to speak. A. Language. We. Understand.”
“Negativo,” Lopez said.
“Well this is just dandy,” Serge said. “Lopez. How. Do. We. Fix. Your. Speech. Unit?”
“Why are you talking so slow?” Grif asked. “He understands us just fine. Maybe you should try listening slower.”
“Lopez, would you like to shoot Grif?”
Lopez pointed his gun at Grif and said, “Cee sinyor, gracias.”
“Wait, stop!” Grif said. “Uh, alto! Alto!”
“Alto means tall, you dumba**.” Simmons said.
“Then why do they put it on stop signs?” Lopez began firing at Grif. “Jesus!” The orange armoured soldier ran down the cement ramp, trying not to get shot. Lopez went to the edge of the roof and kept shooting as Grif ran around the field.
Serge came to stand beside Lopez. “Hey Lopez, fifty points if you get him in the foot.”
“That looks like fun,” Caboose said. “Do you think Serge will let me shoot at Grif?”
“I don’t think he’d have a problem with that,” Simmons said. A white figure appeared beside the two of them. Simmons turned to him and said, “Oh, hey D. I was starting to wonder where you ran off to.”
“I was keeping watch so the enemies wouldn't sneak up and try to kill you guys again.” He turned to Caboose, noticing his missing finger. “What happened to your finger?”
“Lopez helped me get it unstuck by cutting it off,” Caboose said. “He probably thought I didn’t need it.”
“Riiiiight.” He turned back to Simmons. “Simmons, why is my body still laying on the cliff?”
“That’s part of being dead, D,” Simmons said. “Your body doesn’t move around that much.”
“Okay, let me rephrase that. Why the hell haven’t you buried my body yet?”
“Caboose lost the shovels while he was hunting for treasure three days ago, all we have are guns. Unless you want me to shoot you a grave you’re out of luck.”
“Well at least do something with my body, it’s a freaking indignity! My body fought hard for this war, it deserves to have a proper burial.”
Simmons sighed. “Fine, we’ll go find your body and bring it back to the base, and when we find the shovels we’ll bury it.”
“Fine, now let’s go.” D made his way down the cement ramp with Simmons and Caboose following.
Grif’s voice echoed in the distance. “Dammit!”
“Great shot, Lopez!” Serge said. “Now see if you can get his other arm.”
