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The Wall
The Wall

by Catriona in Dramatic Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Romantic Fiction

This thread was created on April 9, 2008
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Meet vienna chapter 1 - part 2

Meet Vienna

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chyeahmclovinx3   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Wed Apr 09, 2008 4:40 pm    Post subject: Meet Vienna Reply with quote

CHAPTER 1 - PART 1

Fact: My name is Vienna Kaye Sparks and I love it. People tell me all the time how unique my name is, I know. I’m not really named after anyone in particular and truth was no one I knew had ever been to Vienna, Italy. My parents just loved the name.

I was getting ready for my date with Gavin. I had met him at a party with my friends; he was super sweet and super cute. Everything I wanted. I grinned to myself as this thought ran through my head. Maybe, just maybe this date would turn into forever. I was one of those people who thought every girl had a prince charming, a happy ever after, just like the books. I had always dreamed of finding the one, but so far I hadn’t even been kissed yet. 16 years old and never been kissed was the label I gave myself. I could understand why, I wasn’t pretty and was size 32A when it came to bras, almost nothing.

After a quick shower, I ran into my room with a towel wrapped around me. I didn’t know what to do; my hair was going to be the size of a traffic cone! I have super thick hair and anything I do to it puffs it up. So I would have to blow dry and straighten it in record time. I began my work.

First you dry your hair. As I was hanging with my head upside down, I realized something. I was going on a date! It hit me like someone had just thrown a soccer ball into my face. I flipped my head back up and glanced the mirror. I had to stifle a scream. My hair was as big as Shakira’s hair. Of course, all the guys thought she was gorgeous, but that doesn’t work for me.

That sight broke my train of thought and brought me back into reality. I had less that an hour before Gavin arrived. I finished drying my hair and plugged in my straightener. As my straightener heated up, I rummaged through my closet for an outfit. I wanted something that said flirt but not slut. By the time I decided what to wear half of my clothes were strewn across the floor. My mom would have a fit but I would have to deal with her later.

I ran back over to check the straightener. I had my own way to do that and that was placing my index finger to feel if it was hot enough. I felt a burning sensation in my finger and snatched it away. “Ouch!” I mumbled, sticking my finger in my mouth. It was immediately cooled but a blister was already forming on the tip. I shrugged and picked up the straightener. Thirty minutes later, my hair was laying flat on my back. It stopped right below my shoulder blades.

I slipped into my jeans and pulled my pastel yellow top over a white undershirt. The V-neck collar was laced with lace that matched the decoration on my black flats I had just stepped in to. Once again I checked my reflection in the door length mirror. My bangs were parted to the side, which left them hanging diagonally across my forehead. I looked pretty good. The finishing touches were a bit of mascara and foundation to cover the circles under my eyes. I hadn’t gotten much sleep that night, thanks to the worry about the date.

I was ready!

I walked out of my room, my shoes sounded muffled on the cream carpet that covered the steps as I began my descent. When I reached the bottom, I skipped into the kitchen to grab a piece of gum. I had brushed my teeth, but I always wanted to be safe. There’s nothing worse than bad breath on a date. I stuck my finger in my mouth, along with the gum and bit my nail. I did this when I was nervous about something.

Right as I had sat down on the couch and propped my legs on the oak coffee table, there was a knock at the door. My heart instantly started beating one hundred miles an hour. He was here. I walked to the door, tucking my bangs back. I opened the door to see a bald man with a long white beard. It was Stan. Stan the Pest Man as I called him.

I smiled warmly and beckoned him inside, “Come on in.”

Stan stepped into the house, his brown work boots left mud spots on the floor. I grimaced. I closed the door behind him and he turned to me. He gave me a once over and the corners of his eyes crinkled in a friendly smile, “Going on a hot date?” he asked as he laughed and turned around, rolling his eyes.

My eyes widened. See! I thought to myself. Even Stan the Pest Man thinks this date is a terrible idea! I shook the thought out of my head and studied Stan’s outfit. It had pictures of bugs crawling on it. I shuddered, I was terrified of bugs. Stan was a pest man, hence the name Stan the Pest Man. He came monthly to spray for bugs. Not that we had any, but just to promise we won’t.

A car horn blared outside and I rushed to the window. It was him! I felt my heart speed up again. I couldn’t understand why I was this nervous; we were just going to a carnival by the mall. Calm down, I told myself, everything will be fine. I checked my hair in the glass door before opening it to reveal myself. I wondered why he hadn’t come to the door, a normal gentleman would have. This negative thought, like the others was soon out of my head.

I walked out the door and closed it gently behind me. I strutted down the driveway, my own personal runway. I knew I looked stupid but I maintained my position. I neared his car and saw him fiddling with the radio knobs. I nervously looked down and grabbed the handle of the car. I yanked and yanked but it refused to open. I sighed deeply. This is just great, I thought, just great. I’m locked out of his car and he doesn’t even notice!

Gavin looked up, smiled and gestured me to come in. I raised my hands in a surrendering position. It’s locked! I mouthed. He nodded and flipped a switch on his door. The lock clicked and once again I pulled the door handle. Victory! I laughed and slid into the car seat. Gavin didn’t say one word to me before starting the car and driving off.

“How are you?” Gavin asked, not taking his eyes off the road. Almost half-heartedly.

I nodded, “I’m good. What about you?”

Gavin never answered.

I signed silently to myself; this was not going as planned. He was supposed to be sweet and nice, not ignore me. He was supposed to talk to me about himself, let me get to know him better. He was supposed to be doing a lot of things, but the only thing he was doing was using the loud radio as an excuse not to talk to me. Maybe I was setting my expectations to high.

We did not mutter one word to each other until we arrived at the carnival. Gavin got out and waited for me, but I was waiting for him to open the door. It was not going to happen. I stepped out and joined him in front of the car. He took my hand in his and led me to the entrance. The one gentleman – like thing he did was pay for my ticket. The man standing in front of the gate stepped aside and let us through.

My eyes were greeted by bright green grass, covered with trees that had many roller coasters and rides placed on top. I was not what you would call a big fan of rollercoaster’s. Actually, I had only ridden one, in France, and that was my last. It was the scariest experience. To my distain, Gavin was pulling me straight towards the biggest rollercoaster at the carnival. My heart beat faster than normal and I didn’t want this more than anything. I closed my eyes and took a death breath, hoping it would help. It did nothing; I only had one other thing to do.

“I’m not going on that!” I said, stopping completely.

“Come on, don’t be such a baby.” Gavin snapped.

I felt a shocked look come over my face, “excuse me?” I asked as politely as I could.

“You heard me.”

“And you will hear this, no.” I shouted at him. I stormed off towards a food booth; I desperately needed some cotton candy to make me feel better. And hey, I had a ticket, I was not about to let it go to waste. I passed happy couples, small families, children screaming and here I was, all by my self. This is just great, I thought as I reached the cotton candy booth. I noticed a pretty good looking guy serving a young girl. He looked around my age. Light brown hair that swept across his forehead and piercing blue eyes. He smiled warmly at the little girl and handed her a rainbow cotton candy cone. I did not even realize that I was next in line to be served.



Last edited by chyeahmclovinx3 on Fri May 02, 2008 5:41 pm; edited 4 times in total
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Maki-Chan   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Wed Apr 09, 2008 11:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Shocked gasp..... you should space out the paragraphs and maybe split this into smaller parts.

Like (Story name) chapter 1 part 1, and (story's name" chapter 1 part 2.


If you do this I'll read it for sure. ^_^

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PostPosted: Thu Apr 10, 2008 9:19 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

well I thought it was pretty neat. I now how she feels with the horrid monsterous hair- especially after a shower!

My only probelm was perhaps you can have a flash back of Gavin asking her out. It just jumps right to the point. Other wise i thought it was well done.

But there is one thing, it doesn't really talk about the kind of person Wienna is, and right now we really don't care for her. Don't worry I have the same problem too.


Alright on to part 2!!!

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PostPosted: Sun May 04, 2008 1:23 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yay! I like these kinds of stories!
I would have done the same thing about Gavin. He was such a jerk!
Okay putting that aside; I loved the detail you put into this. Reading detail makes readers feel like they are in the story.
I didn't really see any big mistakes. A few typos but I'm sure you'll catch those when you read it over.
Great job. I'm going to read part 2 now. Very Happy

~Rachael

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PostPosted: Wed Oct 22, 2008 9:02 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hi,
Excellent story. It had me fully interested the whole way. No one else has done a critique yet so here it goes.

Quote:
First you dry your hair


I didn't quite get this part. Shouldn't you say something like "First I have to dry the birds nest that my hair is." Or something like that.

Quote:
Shakira’s


Should be in Italics.

Quote:
I had less that an hour before


Then. I hate when that happens to me.

Quote:
laced with lace


Maybe change it to something like "The v-neck collar was laced around the breast area," Or something different, its up to you!

Quote:
Gavin didn’t say one word to me before starting the car and driving off.

“How are you?” Gavin asked


You could try saying something like "How are you?" Gavin asked after a five minutes of driving silently.

Quote:
I signed silently


Typo.

Quote:
We did not mutter one word to each other until we arrived at the carnival


Say something like, "We did not mutter another word to each other until we arrived at the carnival."

Quote:
It was not going to happen. I stepped out and joined him in front of the car.


Maybe something like "After a minute I realized It was not..."

Quote:
“I’m not going on that!” I said, stopping completely.

“Come on, don’t be such a baby.” Gavin snapped.

I felt a shocked look come over my face, “excuse me?” I asked as politely as I could.

“You heard me.”


Would he really flip out if she only said it once? Maybe add her saying it twice. He could say "What?" first.

Overall this was a very interesting story. I see a lot of potential for it. I notice that you like Gossip Girl. Look at my story Lake Girls. I have a feeling you might like it. It is something like Gossip Girl.

If you need anything PM me!

Love,
N

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PostPosted: Fri Oct 24, 2008 9:43 pm    Post subject: Re: Meet Vienna Reply with quote

Hey there! It's Stella here!

I. NITPICKS

Quote:
I’m not really named after anyone in particular and truth was no one I knew had ever been to Vienna, Italy. My parents just loved the name.


First of all you switch tense and it should be "And truth iscomma."

And Vienna?

Honey, Vienna's in Austria.


Quote:
I was one of those people who thought every girl had a prince charming, a happy ever after, just like the books.


Prince Charming should be capitalized.

Quote:

16 years old and never been kissed was the label I gave myself.


Sixteen, never 16.

Quote:

My hair was as big as Shakira’s hair.


Cut out the second "hair", it's redundant.

Quote:
I had my own way to do that and that was placing my index finger to feel if it was hot enough.


Isn't that a bit dumb?


Quote:
My eyes were greeted by bright green grass, covered with trees that had many roller coasters


One word.

Quote:
rollercoaster’s.


no apostrophe.


Quote:
“Come on, don’t be such a baby.” Gavin snapped.


“Come on, don’t be such a baby,” Gavin snapped.


Quote:
I felt a shocked look come over my face, “excuse me?” I asked as politely as I could.


"Excuse me?"

Okay...

II. PUNCTUATION

"I love baked beans." Ellie said with a shrug.

What's wrong with that sentence?

It's two sentences!

Never use full stops like that. It should be:

"I love baked beans," Ellie said with a shrug.

Do you see?

III. STORY

...I didn't really see it. You started off well but then it just kind of plummeted. Why did Gavin ask her out? If he didn't want to go out why didn't he just stand her up? There are lots of gaps in it like that.

IV. OVERALL

It wasn't too bad. It could use a little tweaking. Get rid of some run-on sentences and give us more of a story. But in general, not bad at all.

PM me if you have any questions!

-Stella.

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PostPosted: Sun Oct 26, 2008 3:18 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Okay, everybody else has already critiqued the small bits. I thought there was some awkwardness but your writing style wasn't bad at all.

I have one major problem with the thing: Why on earth did Gavin ask her out if he didn't want to go out with her? I mean, call me old-fashioned but usually guys don't go through the big ordeal of actually asking a girl out unless they actually want it bad enough. Unless it was a dare, or something.

Also, it seems a little weird for her to abandon Gavin and run off and then notice some other dude's cuteness right afterwards. She seems a little bit flighty.

Oh, and one more thing - I have seen this identical plot (minus the big hair) on this site in the Romance section, about a year ago. Girl goes on date, guy tries to get her on a big ride, girl refuses and goes off to find some other hotty on the fairground. Just thought you should know... not sure what you'd do about it, but there it is.

Oh, and one more one more thing (heh heh) the beginning was quite off-putting. Starting out with the whole "my name is Vienna and I like it" thing was a bit weird, because it wasn't connected at all to the following paragraph. I'd work that paragraph in later, maybe when somebody asks about her name.

Like I said, you actually have a nice writing style - it's engaging and fun, and makes you want to keep reading. But unless you do some major plot-tweaking... yeah. You'll have a cliche on your hands, my dear.

You should keep posting! I'm curious to see where this goes.

Yours ever,
MademoiselleKool Cool

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