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Not Alone.
Not Alone.

by Aneke in Science-Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Other Poetry

This thread was created on April 8, 2008
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PHOENIX, or, Set Fire to the River
Topic ID: 28549
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Sam   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Wed Apr 09, 2008 3:10 am    Post subject: PHOENIX, or, Set Fire to the River Reply with quote

This came from my PoWriMo thread, so don't fret if you've seen it before. ^_^



___





Where flames met the earth, you put your hands to the ground

and watched the flesh bubble and tear. I saw you next

when your hands were wrapped in salve and white, and I brought you

candles in jars to illuminate your fever-dreams.



I spread paint on your fingers and guided your scorched bones across paper,

to show you that blackened things still hold the privilege of color.

Jagged salt spikes ran down your face in rows and I swore something

unto the blaze that you would someday hear—



there isn’t a thing I wouldn’t do for you, darling, but keep you alive.

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Last edited by Sam on Wed Apr 09, 2008 3:28 am; edited 1 time in total
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PostPosted: Wed Apr 09, 2008 3:22 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

It's Phoenix*, love. Wink

Not going to bore you with a highly unhelpful critique. Sorry! Just had to be a spelling Nazi.

(It's the town I live in. I'm a little protective of it, hah)

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PostPosted: Wed Apr 09, 2008 3:29 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sam,

This was a wonderful poem. I loved the whole morale of it. Just brilliant and sweet at the same time. I especially loved the last line. Really good.

One thing that I think this could use is a little more rhythm. It's like a heartbeat of such - thump, thump, thump. See how you read that? You read (hopefully) each thump with the same pause between each. This poem doesn't really have anything like that. It's just basically a couple of well crafted setences stuck in a poem formation. Make it have meaning - have value.

Hope you didn't take this too harshly. If you did, I'm sorry! I really liked it.

:Sythe:

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PostPosted: Fri Apr 25, 2008 1:07 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hello there, Sam. ^^

This is a gorgeous little poem, and you've only had two comments? (one being Saintifiction) Shocking! Not to be mistaken, I'm of no use. ^^

I adore this. Thoroughly and completely. You've created this feeling that just stuck with me as I read it, and I adore how you've dealt with the idea. You imagery is complete and beautiful, tactile and gritty.

One niggle that comes to me is in your last line;

"there isn't a thing I wouldn't do for you, darling, but keep you alive."

There's something about this that gets to me. I'm not sure.. but I think the length is a factor. It doesn't hit as well as an end line should, I feel. I think that the last line needed a hard impact, but this line lacked it.

All in all, though. I love this. Nice work. ^^

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PostPosted: Fri Apr 25, 2008 3:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Nicly done and very creative! Great job.

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PostPosted: Fri Apr 25, 2008 7:15 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I really liked it-all except for the last line. It just didn't sound the same as the rest.

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PostPosted: Fri Apr 25, 2008 9:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Very nice! I liked basically everything about it!

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