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KJ
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 Posted: Mon Apr 07, 2008 7:24 pm Post subject: Needles and Roses - Chap. 2 |
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Last edited by KJ on Sat Jul 19, 2008 3:32 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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mindoverflow812
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| Posted: Mon Apr 07, 2008 8:39 pm Post subject: |
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Well done KJ! I really enjoy your style. One small tip, though, check your descriptions, because some of them tend to get a little overlong. Also, there are some grammatical errors, but that is just editing. All in all, it's a very good beginning. I like the mystery and the intrigue a lot. Keep it up! 
-Overflow |
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deavarna_satina
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| Posted: Tue Apr 08, 2008 7:17 am Post subject: |
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Oh no, did you have to stop there? I was completely absorbed! I can see that you are getting into the meat of the story now and I am liking where you are taking it. As before, your descriptions are great and I love the old England setting. I like that Rachel seems to have so many flaws; it makes her character more realistic and easier to relate to.
I tend to think that in novels present tense doesn't work, but you are pulling it off nicely. Just some editing work to do, but you have already acknowladged that. I think there were a few spots where you need to rearrange the sentences, but I was too absorbed to take note so I got to the end and realised I didn't edit at all. If you'd like me to go back over it and pick out the mistakes, let me know.
The biggest problem; that it ended! Dying to read more, so let me know when chapter 3 is available! |
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JFW1415
AKA Future Mrs. Bear or Jellybean (Jelly)
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| Posted: Mon Apr 28, 2008 7:50 pm Post subject: |
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Here you go!
~JFW1415 |
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kitty15
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| Posted: Tue Apr 29, 2008 11:41 pm Post subject: |
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This is a good chapter. I particularly liked the description of the man and the use of phonetic spelling for his mother's speech, a well used technique. I think your description of the dark alleys could have been better and that of the shack could have been extended and prolonged but in general, this was well written. The development or Violet and Danielle was nice – it's good that you're introducing some of the other maids – and the continuation of the gossip about murder is good.
I think, however that the fortune could have been better. As it is, it's a little unoriginal – woman's eyes go glazed, woman falls into a trance and voice speaks through her telling of change and danger – so maybe try to describe what happens more and add your own unique twist. Maybe her eyes become intensely focused instead of glazed? It's up to you though.
So in general, I liked it. I've pointed out a few places where you've used a modern phrase or word which you need to be careful of but it's well written and the plot is increasingly interesting and the characters fun and believable. As before, I'll e-mail you the specific comments in just a moment,
Heather xx |
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oneeyedunicornhunter
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| Posted: Sun May 04, 2008 5:14 pm Post subject: |
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| alright, i didn't finish, but i will later. if you're going to stick with present tense, STAY CONSISTENT. the beginning was all over the place. |
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Esmé
consider rephrasing
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| Posted: Sat May 24, 2008 7:16 pm Post subject: |
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| Okay, critiqued no 2. Heh... and extension isn't allowed. |
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KJ
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| Posted: Sat Jul 19, 2008 3:49 pm Post subject: |
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| *EDITED* |
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