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Roaming Shadow
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 Posted: Sun Nov 11, 2007 4:25 am Post subject: Human Nature: Bad Blood |
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Following Nate's rules, I will be posting my novel here in sections of approximately 5000 words, at least as close as my chapters will allow. Take your time in your critiques, and I hope you enjoy.
Synopsis (A.K.A. Jacket Story)
Conall Rivers, a young man who once lived in a junkyard and fought for a living, has just gotten his life in a direction where he wants it. When his past catches up to him though, his future takes a turn he cannot comprehend. Now, in a strange new world he knows nothing about, and coming to terms with his new identity within it, he must fight for his survival as he searches for a way home.
But there's even more at stake than he realizes, and like it or not, he's about to become the focal point of something that will not only determine the future of this strange world, but perhaps even his own as well. And as Conall struggles to write his own future, he will uncover a secret buried deep within his history that will shake the very foundations of his life. |
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"In a fair fight I would have killed you."
"Well that's not much insentive for me to fight fair now is it?" (PotC: TCftBP)
I'm probably dead already, but that doesn't mean I can't take a few scumbags with me. ~Jak |
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Maki-Chan
Roar!
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| Posted: Sun Nov 18, 2007 11:25 pm Post subject: ^_^ |
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thank you... I will chec it out!  |
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Kinsley
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| Posted: Tue Nov 27, 2007 6:26 am Post subject: |
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Ooohhh, very interesting. Okay, first I'd like to say that the beginning had a hard time holding my interest until the fire. It was descriptive and I liked that it painted a picture. I could see all that was happening. However, at the wolf bit, it was a little harder to see so try describing it more. I want to be able to picture EXACTLY what the wolf looks like because it's such an interesting part. Oh, and where I centered the dots, it's not a big deal but I use them a lot in my writing so I like to have hem centered. Make sure it's not indented when you center the text. Moving on...
Second...What the h*** is going on? It will be explained later right? The whole wolf/carmela bit? It was hard to follow but I think I started to get used to it jumping around.
Overall I liked it a lot (I know, harsh critique, sheesh). I'm certainly no professional writer or editor or anything, but I just wanted to give you my opinion as a simple reader. I don't have much to add other than I really like your style of writing. It's very descriptive (I can't stress that enough) and...and it was good. still, the jumping around is hard to follow (Though I don't have any room to talk, I jump around in my writing too.)
Look forward to more, catch ya later,
Kinsley |
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Kylan
you're so cute when you're slurring your speech.
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| Posted: Tue Nov 27, 2007 7:37 pm Post subject: |
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Well, here's a crit. Nice job. I'm looking forward to more.
-Kylan |
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Roaming Shadow
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| Posted: Thu Nov 29, 2007 7:45 pm Post subject: |
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Here's the next installment for all those interested. This is Chpater three, and is just over 4,000 words. As always, take your time, hold nothing back, and I hope you enjoy.
P.S.
Oh, and if any of you wish to suggest possible titles (though it's still early in the book) go on ahead. The current is as much a placeholder than anything else since I couldn't come up with anything and I didn't want to put "untitled". And if anyone is interested in a full plot synopsis, you can PM me. |
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"In a fair fight I would have killed you."
"Well that's not much insentive for me to fight fair now is it?" (PotC: TCftBP)
I'm probably dead already, but that doesn't mean I can't take a few scumbags with me. ~Jak |
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Samuel Garrison
To arms! Tis thy Rebel Army!
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| Posted: Mon Apr 07, 2008 7:36 pm Post subject: |
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I read all the chapters, including the prologue. An interesting world you have created but I have a real problem with Conall as a character. As gently as I can phrase it - he's boring.
Conall has become the type of character that is a super-power. He has absolutely no faults. He's a supberb fighter and has a high tolerance to physical pain but so what? Who cares? If I want to "watch" a good fighter go at in a brawl, I can just as easily flick on the TV and watch the UFC. And rhinoing his shoulder into a solid block of wood with minimal pain isn't realistic and hoaxy. No adverage person can barrel at top speed into a solid, wood beam, and still be able to carry a body? I don't think so. It's unrealistic in my opinion.
You need to flesh out Conall I'm afraid some more. At least give him some flaws so he doesn't come off as a "paper cut out doll," which is a character that's no developed enough. They have some life to them but these characters aren't fully alive for the reader to believe indeed that they are a living, breathing person.
Also, you start off a new paragraph by using "Conall" too much and it's becoming redundant. You can use "he" every once and a while even though the POV is Third Person. 
All in all, your prespective on the werewolf differs greatly from my band of furry wolves. This Canlu clan is highly intriguing and is most certainly the same clan of werewolves that bit Conall before he fell unconciouns.
Post more, please! |
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