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Meshugenah
kicking plot into submission
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 Posted: Sun Apr 06, 2008 6:53 am Post subject: Bek's NaPoWriMo thread |
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So, I finally have one I'm not completely embarrassed to show! Still messing with a couple lines (bet you all can guess which ones), but it's something! Critique anything here if you want, but I will be editing whatever I post later to be not so icky (or, you know, if I read it in the morning and it makes me want to hurl  ).
4/4/08
don't say a word:
flow from the side
on all the hopes and the lies,
left sitting behind
past this midnight hour.
hide behind walls
of paper thin lies
cry out when they leave you --
a stain on that wall.
then go back on all fours,
you'll be begging for more.
so hush little darling,
please don't say a word.
Mommy can't fix this
and I sure as hell ain't her. |
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niteowl
I'm an ol' king bee, honey,
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| Posted: Sun Apr 06, 2008 11:59 pm Post subject: |
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Personally, I would take out the dashes, but I have something against dashes in pretty much every poem. And the "left sitting behind/past this midnight hour" sounded a bit awkward to me.
Other than that, I liked it. I think you should post more and stop being a wimp.  JK You can do what you want, but I'll have to revert back to elementary school and call you a chicken and start clucking.  Wow, I can't believe there's a practical use for that smiley XD. |
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Via
Ἀθηνᾶ
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266 Points
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| Posted: Mon Apr 07, 2008 3:08 am Post subject: |
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Ah! Bek!
I like it
It might be that I'm so tired that typing is making me fall asleep right now, but I'm not entirely sure what's going on. I have two theories. One is gross, the other is not. I reread it a few times but it's one of those times when you can read something 8829 times and still have no idea what it says?
I loved the twist at the end, though. But, it does flip the tone up dramatically--which I can't decide if I like or not haha. Maybe I shall revisit this at a coherent hour. ;] |
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Kitty15
The Protector of the Prophecy
Writer of Legend
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| Posted: Mon Apr 07, 2008 7:16 pm Post subject: |
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don't say a word: [I really think you should capitalise the D. Even if you avoid standard grammar elsewhere, I think it would make for a more dramatic start.]
hide behind walls
of paper thin lies [I'm not sure that I like the repetition of lies. Maybe think of an alternative. perhaps 'of paper thin fabrications' which would have the nice hint of clothes or fabric.]
This is a good poem. I love the twist at the end and the imagery could have been stronger but you have a wonderful tone of voice. I'd suggest building the story more, adding more hints as to the content. I mean, it's reasonably clear but it could be clearer, see? |
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