Topic ID: 19429
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
Firearris
Master of the Forum
Gender: 
Age: 100
Joined: 10 May 2007
Posts: 1425
Reviews: 97
300 Points
|
 Posted: Sun Sep 02, 2007 4:23 am Post subject: Love's Last Wish |
 |
|
My nameless beauty,
So polite so strong,
Some wish her grief,
I wish her love,
I tell her to tell me her wish,
Fore I shall grant it,
She whispers in my ear,
All that she can,
And says “I wish, we never meet again.”,
Although his heart weeps,
Her wish is not of hate,
Tis of love,
He is bound by his promise,
To grant her wish,
So he does,
And slowly walks away from her death bed. |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
Snoink
Snuggly
Writer of Legend
Gender:
Age: 20
Joined: 02 Apr 2005
Posts: 8446
Reviews: 2105
Country: USA
624 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Sep 09, 2007 6:18 am Post subject: |
|
|
Aww... this is kind of sad.
The only thing that really bugs me is that it seems to go from first person to third. So... is the narrator of the poem "I" or "he?"
Just something to think about... |
_________________
Leopluridon '08: He Will Show Us The Way!
"So, Obama calls McCain erratic. Well, I call Obama a squirrel." -- Rush Limbaugh |
|
| Back to top |
|
Leja
Slightly more inclined to writing than previously
Epic Novelist
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 20 Mar 2007
Posts: 2707
Reviews: 788
Country: my locker
300 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Sep 13, 2007 11:36 pm Post subject: Re: Love's Last Wish |
|
|
This is rather sweet! It is sparse, but I think it works. A few places I was a little confused about tense; "she whispers in my ear" and "I wish her love" sounds like the poem is from the point of view of the boy, but it changes to third person at "he is bound by his promise". I'd suggest making a new stanza when you intend to change points of view, or changing all to the same point of view. There were a few lines I was confused at, and I don't think they're quite necessary:
"All that she can" is a little awkward; it made me thinkall what that she can? and confused me for a bit.
"He is bound by his promise to grant her wish so he does": I think that the "he is bound by his promise" is a little unnecessary, and adds wordiness. I think that the "so he does" is nice because it slows everything down before the final line.
"Her wish is not of have, tis of love" sounds a bit wordy as well; see how you can say what you mean in fewer words in this case, maybe
Additionally, I think that you could rethink commas and capitalization. At the moment, it seems kind of automatic, as if it's a rule that commas go at the end of lines and capitals go at the beginning, when each are used for emphasis rather than as a straight rule. In general, I'd suggest using a capital when beginning a new thought, or to mark an important idea.
PM me if you have any questions!
-Melia |
_________________
Got YWS? |
|
| Back to top |
|
Suzanne
verbivore
Writer of Legend
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 21 Sep 2006
Posts: 6968
Reviews: 1748
Country: Riverbluff, MO
879 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Sep 14, 2007 1:33 am Post subject: |
|
|
I also like this.... but the tense change makes me squeal in a bad way. You'll really want to fix this. Another thing that irked me was the fact that a lot, lot, lot of it was telling.
"Although his heart weeps,
Her wish is not of hate,
Tis of love,
He is bound by his promise,
To grant her wish,
So he does,
And slowly walks away from her death bed."
That whole thing is telling, but the like "So he does" really gets to me. It's nothing really amazing--it's just telling. Try going through the poem and finding a better way to explain what is happening, maybe add more action even because I was kind of confused about what is actually going on. Not to say I'm the most amazing poet or anything, but this reminded me of my poem Sade's Folly. It isn't the best, but it might give you an idea of how to keep away from all the telling.
Keep it up! |
_________________
Dr. Bishop: Am I required to keep him alive?
-Fringe
What am I reading? |
|
| Back to top |
|
GingerLizzy
But The Tops Of Carrots Are Green
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 19 Aug 2007
Posts: 1077
Reviews: 461
Country: England
300 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Sep 18, 2007 5:42 pm Post subject: |
|
|
I am also a "liker" of this poem. I know that makes no sense, but it does to me.
Cruel to be kind and all that, as the girl is dying and doesn't want him to linger on her love forever? Am I right? If so, I loved this, because it is different to the usual romatic sob story.
Good work. |
_________________
Worship the ginger monkey  aaand join my new group!
Oh, and enter my new contest! |
|
| Back to top |
|
kitty15
Your friendly neighbourhood kitten
Epic Novelist
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 15 May 2007
Posts: 4978
Reviews: 1319
Country: England
278 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Sep 18, 2007 10:43 pm Post subject: |
|
|
I liked this but the punctuation and wording need some work and there's always room to improve where imagery is concerned. Here's a quick line by line -
My nameless beauty, [Perhaps a semi colon here?]
So polite, so strong, [I'd end this line with a full stop.]
Some wish her grief, [Maybe a dash?]
I wish her love, [Full stop.]
I tell her to tell me her wish, [Maybe have a line of enjambement here.]
Fore For I shall grant it, [Again, a full stop.]
She whispers in my ear,
All that she can,
And says “I wish, we never meet again.”, [Remove the comma at the end of this line.]
Although his heart weeps, [Don't switch tenses.]
Her wish is not of hate,
Tis of love, [Maybe 'But of love' would sound better and the line needs to end with a full stop.]
He is bound by his promise,
To grant her wish,
So he does,
And slowly walks away from her death bed.
In general, you have a nice theme here but the poem itself could be more... well poetic. I think a little more imagery would be nice, perhaps some brief descriptions of the characters and such. Good work though and let me know if you have any questions. |
_________________
Lest hope corrupt your foolish heart,
quick cast her out and let depart
the acrid whims of angel's wings
which clutch at twisted puppet strings. |
|
| Back to top |
|
Teague
the end is nigh
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 16 Oct 2006
Posts: 1966
Reviews: 481
Country: A ship! With me crew!
214 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Feb 28, 2008 3:22 am Post subject: |
|
|
Thanks for letting me practise on your poem, Fire! ^_^
Not every line needs a comma at the end, deary. In fact in your... *counts* ninth line? The comma is unnecessary because you already have punctuation there.
Also, line 6 -- it should be "for." Fore is what you shout on a golf course. xD
I agree with Snoink -- the perspective kind of changes. Maybe break it up into stanzas where it does switch POV? Or choose different pronouns to work with.
Aw. And such a sad poem. Interesting, if you ask me. Then again, I know nothing of poetry. =D
Erm... I thought it was good? Lol. It was pretty. ^_^
-Saint Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate  |
_________________
"If you don't vote, you're a moron." - Craig Ferguson
"Thank you for choosing Saint Razorblade Stick Beatings, where we really stick it to you - with a stick!" -Mattster
Formerly known as Saint Razorblade |
|
| Back to top |
|
Flemzo
Now With 50% More Flem!!
Novelist
Gender: 
Age: 18
Joined: 31 Dec 2006
Posts: 413
Reviews: 134
Country: United States
336 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Feb 29, 2008 2:15 am Post subject: Re: Love's Last Wish |
|
|
Awww... sad poem. I kind of liked what was going on here. You have a great idea going on here, and that's great. For a couple of crits:
| Firearris wrote: |
My nameless beauty,
So polite so strong,
Some wish her grief,
I wish her love, |
I would put a comma after "polite" and a semi-colon after "so strong" in the second line, and maybe a period after "love" in line four.
| Quote: |
I tell her to tell me her wish,
Fore I shall grant it, |
I think "Fore" is supposed to be "For" here. Also, period after "grant it".
| Quote: |
She whispers in my ear,
All that she can,
And says “I wish, we never meet again.”, |
Get rid of the comma after "again". You already have a period there.
| Quote: |
Although his heart weeps,
Her wish is not of hate,
Tis of love, |
Apostrophe before "Tis" (since 'tis a contraction), and period after "love".
| Quote: |
He is bound by his promise,
To grant her wish,
So he does,
And slowly walks away from her death bed. |
Very bittersweet ending. It definitely works for this poem.
Great job! I'm excited to read some other things out of your portfolio! |
_________________
"How strange life is. How fragile. You never know what stunning development lies around the next corner."
-- From The Corner Of His Eye, by Dean Koontz |
|
| Back to top |
|
October Girl
I lie but you still trust me
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 23 Sep 2006
Posts: 1761
Reviews: 170
Country: Where Love is Lost
274 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Apr 07, 2008 1:32 am Post subject: |
|
|
Hello FA like I said I was bored so I say this... hmm........ It's not that I don't like it for it's I like this very much but. I want to know more, why did she want to never see him again how did they fall in love, why did he grant her a wish? I think you can make this into a story and maybe this could be a reviling peek into the future? I don't know just a thought, good poem, better story.
-Max |
_________________
I was losing myself to somebody else but now I see I don't wanna pretend so this is the end of you and me cuz the girl you want she is tearing us apart cuz shes everything everything... I'm not |
|
| Back to top |
|
Firearris
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 100
Joined: 10 May 2007
Posts: 1425
Reviews: 97
300 Points
|
| Posted: Mon Apr 07, 2008 5:56 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Thanks Everyone! I'll make the changes ASAP, and maybe re-post it. ^_^
Flemzo: X_X Just try not to click on my first few stories. 
Max:
| Quote: |
| I think you can make this into a story and maybe this could be a reviling peek into the future? I don't know just a thought, good poem, better story. |
I might do that, not sure, but thanks a lot!
Thanks again, all!
~Fire |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
