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Monki
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 Posted: Sun Mar 30, 2008 6:02 pm Post subject: Why? |
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Why?
Why is it that every time I see you, my heart goes crazy? My mind tells me 'no' but my heart conquers all. It overwhelms me with so many feelings. I'm told that you're not the one; not for me. But my heart tells me otherwise.
Why do you see me as just a friend, some girl to pick on? That's supposedly a sign that a guy likes you. That must be wrong. You quite obviously don't like me. And that sucks for me. For you, life is a slice of cake, and if a girl happens to like you, well, that's just extra icing on top.
Why do I get butterflies every time I see you? To most, you're definitely not the most irresistible guy, but for some reason, every time you're near me, I can't see anyone or anything else. It's just you and me. I worry that when you walk past me, you can hear my heart pounding. I wonder if you notice that I stop breathing for just the slightest second if you come near me. It's amazing that you haven't the tiniest clue. At least, I don't think you do.
Why does your demeanor have to be so damn alluring? You tease me, you call me names, but somehow, I can never stop smiling. I love it. No matter how bad my day has been, your face and your words seep into my mind and I can't help but feel like I've just won a million dollars.
Why can't I be the girl you like; that girl that you spend all day thinking about? She's so lucky... Why can't I be pretty enough, smart enough for you? I just want you to like me. For once, I want the guy that I'm secretly falling for, to fall for me too. Just show me that all guys aren't the same; that there's one different from the rest.
Why can't I just tell you? I guess I'm afraid to lose the one thing that I do have with you: friendship. It's just not enough anymore, though. This "friendship", it's killing me. I think--I think I love you. But friends don't love each other-not like this. If I tell you and you don't feel the same, everything will be ruined. But if you do feel the same, and I don't tell you, we may lose out on something really special without even knowing it.
Why do I have to feel this way? My life would be so much simpler if you didn't cross my mind every three seconds. But I won't ever know what life would be like without you in it. Because whether or not you do or don't realize that I'm insanely crazy about you, this one-way love will haunt me forever.
Why can't this be a two-way love? Why can't you just call me today, tell me you love me and that you hope I feel the same? Why can't you wrap your arms around me today and hope that I won't punch you in the face? Why can't we be together and stay like that until forever comes?
<3 <3 <3
I hope forever never comes. |
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"I LOVE YOU, MELISSA!!!!!" -my best friends, Sarah and Brittany, yelling to me in the hallway and getting weird looks from people thinking we're lesbians when we're the farthest thing from it
Last edited by Monki on Fri Apr 25, 2008 7:48 pm; edited 2 times in total |
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Cade
Stores writing utensils in a flowerpot.
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| Posted: Sun Mar 30, 2008 6:42 pm Post subject: |
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My response is "Why should we care?"
The poem reads like a diary entry; a stream of consciousness, babbling, self-centered. Perfect for a journal, not so great for a poem you're presenting to an audience. Yes, the poem addresses something that a lot of people can relate to--my diary entries read much the same way!--that doesn't justify it. This is addressed to one person and leaves the audience behind.
-Colleen
P.S. Because I know people will comment on it and say, "Uh this is like not a poem cuz it doesn't have line breaks," it can be considered a prose-poem. They exist. But I wouldn't classify this as "poetic" which it needs to be if you're going to call it a prose-poem. |
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mizz-iceberg
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| Posted: Sun Mar 30, 2008 7:14 pm Post subject: |
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I liked it! I'm not sure if its a poem or not. And it may read like a journal entry, but I didn't mind. I enjoyed reading it as you have put your emotions on paper very well....and without boring your reader either. So good job!
-icy |
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Monki
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| Posted: Thu Apr 03, 2008 8:45 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks you guys.  I know, some people 'won't get it' or just won't like it, but my Creative Writing teacher says that it's really cute and that she loved it (and she's... very harsh... I thought she was going to make me cry...)! I was like, "OMFG! I LOVE YOU MS. ROSARIO! LMAO!" |
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"I LOVE YOU, MELISSA!!!!!" -my best friends, Sarah and Brittany, yelling to me in the hallway and getting weird looks from people thinking we're lesbians when we're the farthest thing from it |
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tennisprincess
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| Posted: Sun Apr 06, 2008 1:13 am Post subject: how rude |
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| Cade wrote: |
My response is "Why should we care?"
The poem reads like a diary entry; a stream of consciousness, babbling, self-centered. Perfect for a journal, not so great for a poem you're presenting to an audience. Yes, the poem addresses something that a lot of people can relate to--my diary entries read much the same way!--that doesn't justify it. This is addressed to one person and leaves the audience behind.
-Colleen
P.S. Because I know people will comment on it and say, "Uh this is like not a poem cuz it doesn't have line breaks," it can be considered a prose-poem. They exist. But I wouldn't classify this as "poetic" which it needs to be if you're going to call it a prose-poem. |
I thought you were being very harsh Colleen. I think that in fact you were jealous of the beauty that is so naturally present in this piece. This was truly written from the heart, nothing forced, nothing untrue. And you are just being totally rude. I disagree with you completely. I thought this piece was beautiful and touching. |
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HarmonicWriting
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| Posted: Sun Apr 06, 2008 1:59 am Post subject: |
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| I've never read anything quite like that. I loved the whole meaning of it and I could definitely relate to it. The only thing is, some of it seemed to flow perfectly, like a poem should, and other parts seemed like something entirely different. I'd suggest maybe cutting a tiny bit out of it, but otherwise, good job! |
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Suzanne
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| Posted: Sun Apr 06, 2008 2:07 am Post subject: |
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Well, I can only second Cade.
This is just an entry in a diary, honestly. You can call it poetic prose, and your cw teacher may love it, but it's lacking. Poetry--and I'm just saying "poetry" and including the prose aspect of it--should have an affect on the reader. I should care about the speaker, and I should relate to it, and in the end I should feel/think/believe something that was previously not there.
This just sounds like every single middle school girl who has had a crush on a guy ever. I think the lack of it having an affect could be excused if it wasn't so average of a topic.
But, to not be entirely cynical, the journal page or what ever it is that you made of it is cute. Sorry to be so terribly cruel! |
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Monki
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| Posted: Mon Apr 07, 2008 8:45 pm Post subject: |
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tennisprincess---> Thanks for sticking up for me! I can't believe someone actually like this. At first, it was really just for my pleasure only. Actually, it really tears me to pieces because I know that every word of it is true and that I will probably never be with him, but anyway...
HarmonicWriting---> Thanks for critiquing. I need more good critiques like everyone here has given me. I know some critiquers are a bit... harsher than others and I'm just a tad bit sensitive (not very much), but all critiques help. The nice ones give me a big ole' confidence booster and the harsh ones help me to change and transform my writing into something that not only I will like, but you guys and everyone else will like too.
Suzanne---> I guess I can't disagree. I mean, I'm not agreeing or disagreeing. I say my writing sucks either way. But... I just don't want to stop. I love writing, even if my writing sucks. It's why I wake up in the morning. Funny thing is, I thought it sounded like an entry in a diary also, when I was writing this. But, just so everyone knows, I'm not saying that this is "poetry". I clearly stated in my first post that I wasn't sure if this was poetry or what it was, but I was going to post it here because I thought it was the closest thing to it. Eh, you're not terribly cruel! You're just... terribly truthful. Lol. At least you didn't put it bluntly, like some people do. *points finger*  |
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Wolf
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| Posted: Tue Apr 22, 2008 8:05 pm Post subject: |
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Hey, Monki!
First of, let me say that I have to agree with Cade and Suzanne. This is just a diary entry, really, but I think you have the ability to make it more ... poetic.
I. This is mostly "navel-gazing", I'm afraid. You need to make the reader care for you in this poem; I'm sure we've all been in situations like this before, but for those who haven't -- well, for those few, you should bring the experience to life and make them feel like they have experienced it, even if they haven't.
Gah. I explained myself horribly there. What I mean to say is that at the moment, you are lacking substance in your poem, and that makes it rather flat/navel-gazing. How to remedy that?
------- > Firstly, use more emotions. Don't just tell us what you're feeling; show us. As Cade said, this is basically just a stream of thought. You need to make it more than that -- actually describe your emotions using poetic imagery and the five senses. You can show us how you feel using an interesting metaphor, paint a scene in our heads using a unique simile. You know?
------- > I think Suzanne mentioned something about poetic prose? Well, whether she did or not, I don't find this piece very poetic. As I said in the paragraph above, you would most likely benefit from more poetic imagery, but also a more poetic flow? Use different sentence structures, maybe? To spice it up a bit. You don't have to use line-breaks or anything, but maybe a more unique structure would be nice. For example...
| Quote: |
Why does your demeanor have to be so damn alluring? You tease me, you call me names, but somehow, I can never stop smiling. I love it.
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This could have more meaning, I think, if placed in a more original form. I'm terrible at things like this, but I'll try to fix something up to get my point across:
Why does your demeanor have to be
so
damn alluring?
You:
tease me,
you call me names,
but somehow -- I can never stop smiling.
I love it.
Yeah, that was a terrible example, but hopefully you understand? Feel free to ask questions if you don't.
------- > I suppose you could tell us what this guy looks like? You don't have to give us a huge info0dump on his physical appearance or anything; be subtle, tie it in with how he affects you. For example, how you feel when sun slants through the window and dust motes hang in the air above his head, how his hair gleams, etc. That kinda stuff. XD
I'm pretty sure that concludes my critique! You can PM me anytime if you've got questions, comments, etc. I'm no poetry expert, but I think this has potential, especially since you chose to tap into a subject that most everyone can relate to easily. =)
Hope this helped a little,
Camille xx |
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tennisprincess
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| Posted: Sat Apr 26, 2008 5:14 pm Post subject: |
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Ohhh. SO you wrote this. Well, my feelings for this piece here were very very very strong. I absolutely loved it. I thought it soulful and amazing. You put it in such a context that I couldn't help but fall in love with it. If anyone could possibly have the heart to give this a negative review there is only one explanation; they are jealous.
It was beautiful, fantastic and amazing. You have a way of writing that really touches people and that is a rare gift. It brought me to a point of tears and there isn't much else I can say except that I read it over and over and over and then emailed it to my boyfriend. I love it. Thank you so much for blessing me with this piece of wonderful writing that has touched my soul like a miracle.
10/10 |
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