Topic ID: 27359
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[deleted1]
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 Posted: Fri Apr 04, 2008 6:27 am Post subject: Re: This is the child... |
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| This_is_history wrote: |
This is the child that no-one sees.
Lost in a long ago melody.
This is the child who dances in the sunlight,
Walking the chasm between the dark and the bright.
This is the child in the rain in October,
Her eyes painted black, she holds a four-leaf-clover.
This is the child who cannot be heard,
Onyx eyes on amber, she devours your every word.
This is the child born of a thousand lies,
This little darling who paints pictures with her eyes.
This is the child you hear in your dreams,
Those dead, dark eyes haunt you with their screams.
This is the child lost to fate...
No, I'm sorry...
You were too late. |
Very good. I liked how you decsribed a mystorious kid. I don't like the off key in some parts. Let me quote them for you and give you a better way to get it back to on key.
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This is the child who dances in the sunlight,
Walking the chasm between the dark and the bright. |
Ok, change "dark and the bright" to "the dark and light"
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This is the child you hear in your dreams,
Those dead, dark eyes haunt you with their screams. |
Cut "those" out to make it on key.
Other than that, it's good. Keep up the good work! I hope this helps!
-Rick. |
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lil-mizzkitty1
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| Posted: Fri Apr 04, 2008 11:00 am Post subject: Re: This is the child... |
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| This_is_history wrote: |
This is the child that no-one sees.
Lost in a long ago melody.
This is the child who dances in the sunlight,
Walking the chasm between the dark and the bright.
This is the child in the rain in October,
Her eyes painted black, she holds a four-leaf-clover.
This is the child who cannot be heard,
Onyx eyes on amber, she devours your every word.
This is the child born of a thousand lies,
This little darling who paints pictures with her eyes.
This is the child you hear in your dreams,
Those dead, dark eyes haunt you with their screams.
This is the child lost to fate...
No, I'm sorry...
You were too late. |
this is os cut is almost made me cry but i am not that wet |
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blacktiger3915
It's the eye of the tiger!
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| Posted: Fri Apr 04, 2008 4:51 pm Post subject: |
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Very nice. I liked it! Just like the others said, the ending didn't pack a punch. However, great job and keep writing.  |
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triggerfingerxx
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| Posted: Sun Apr 06, 2008 1:33 am Post subject: |
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| This is...okay. The words are good, just the structure needs some help. Also, none of the stanzas seem to connect to one another...that's just me though. =) |
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vet4life13
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| Posted: Mon Apr 14, 2008 11:38 pm Post subject: |
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Dude, this is sweet! The line with the four leaf clover gave me chills. It was pretty sweet. Let me edit just a few things.
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This is the child that no-one sees.
Lost in a long ago melody. |
After '"sees" should be a period.
| Quote: |
| This is the child in the rain in October, |
The period should be a colon e.g. ;
All in all, I think this was a pretty tight poem! It gave me the creeps.  Keep writing, and you are sure to take off. |
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This_is_history
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| Posted: Tue Apr 15, 2008 12:01 am Post subject: |
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| Thanks so much for the critique everyone! |
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This is the child that no-one sees, lost in a long ago melody. |
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Scorpia
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| Posted: Fri Jun 27, 2008 3:01 pm Post subject: |
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I loved it Elise, really good. You can write poetry! And beautiful poetry at that, Please keep it up, listen to these guysandtheir pointers. I would give you some tips, but I ROYALY such at poetry. And grammer, lol.
This is the child who cannot be heard,
Onyx eyes on amber, she devours your every word.
Loved that part, you captured the child wonderfully!
Scorpia |
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