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kitty15
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 Posted: Tue Apr 01, 2008 7:37 pm Post subject: Kitty's NaPoWriMo Thread |
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I suppose I might as well post my poems somewhere and here is as good as my blog. Feel free to give me some tips and hopefully the quality will improve...
#1. Creativity's Curse
Creativity's Curse
The manuscript is dead;
it's mopping up spilled coffee from
my writing desk instead.
Black lines of banished text
blend amidst the fresh brown brush strokes -
swirling coffee vortex;
Painted masterpiece that
displaces previous debris;
becomes poor poetry. |
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Last edited by kitty15 on Wed Apr 02, 2008 11:52 am; edited 1 time in total |
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Maki-Chan
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| Posted: Wed Apr 02, 2008 1:23 am Post subject: |
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| I like it, but there's something about the 2 last parts. Doesn't feel right to me. Oh well I could be wrong. Otherwise not bad. I have those days too with the terrible poetry. LOL ^_^ |
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yoha_ahoy
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| Posted: Wed Apr 02, 2008 2:20 am Post subject: |
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I like this one! And wow, good luck. What's your goal, 50k words a month on poetry form? You could go an EPIC!! *faints* I'd go crazy. As before, good luck! 
~Yoyo  |
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Jasmine Hart
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| Posted: Wed Apr 02, 2008 8:51 am Post subject: |
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This is great, Kit. I'd just change the first line, as if it's only one manuscript, it should be "manuscript's", and I'm not sure about "gone dead", it sounds a little odd. I think I'd try;
"The manuscript is dead."
Other than that, it rocks. Your imagery is brilliant, and I especially love;
"it's mopping up spilled coffee".
Good luck with the rest of them, I'll pop by from time to time.
Jas |
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kitty15
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| Posted: Wed Apr 02, 2008 11:53 am Post subject: |
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| Thank you for the comments everyone! I've made Jas's amendment so far but I'll do some major editing as I write the next. |
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kitty15
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| Posted: Wed Apr 02, 2008 8:21 pm Post subject: |
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This one needs major editing and it started with just one line but I think I actually quite like it. Suggestions are more than welcome, especially concerning the title.
#2. Entrapment (Edited)
I'll bring you flowers.
I know you'll let them die again,
watch their petals curl into deformity;
so strong is your desire
that others should share your fate.
Even if I come every day with water -
which I wont -
they'll wither as I do,
wilt and submit to your touch,
yearn for it, crave it;
no matter what end it will bring.
I'll come and sit with you
if you will allow it?
My words could be your blossoms
and you'd have no need of balloons -
my lungs can hold enough air
to fill this space.
I'll sing you silver snowdrops
and weave wreaths with my words
but your death will not eclipse my life.
You can live through me
as you used to do;
my heart passing rays through your own
so you can shine them back
with half the glow.
But your death will not eclipse my life. |
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Last edited by kitty15 on Thu Apr 03, 2008 1:36 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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Leja
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| Posted: Wed Apr 02, 2008 9:49 pm Post subject: |
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| I like the image you used in the April 1 poem, especially about the manuscript mopping up coffee. And I like how you began the second poem, with a simple statement and continued in an interesting interrogation of someone offscreen. The last stanza just seemed a bit cliche, with the idea of eclipsing and living through another person. I'm so glad you're participating! Good luck on tomorrow's poem! |
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| Posted: Thu Apr 03, 2008 1:25 am Post subject: |
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I wasn't a huge fan of April 1, though it was sort of a nice little ditty.
April 2 I thought was better. I would shy away from putting some of those sentences into question form. It doesn't really help anything. I agree with Leja about the ending. I would try to incorporate more of the flower extended metaphor into the ending. I really liked when you talked about "blossoms" and "withering", so more details of this sort would only help, IMO. |
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Jasmine Hart
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| Posted: Thu Apr 03, 2008 9:15 am Post subject: |
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Love it, especially;
"watch their petals curl into deformity". I really like the tone of;
"Even if I come every day with water -
which I wont - ".
I'm not really sure about "How selfish", "so selfish", and "don't ever let me go". I'm not quite sure why...I think the "selfish" lines were a bit weak, maybe, and that the last one bordered on cliche. (Very "Titanic"esque, no? Though that could be because my lecturer was just talking about "Titanic", so it's on the brain...)
I also really like;
"my heart passing rays through your own
so you can shine them back
with half the glow." |
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| Posted: Thu Apr 03, 2008 1:06 pm Post subject: |
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I think I like April 1 more than April 2.
April 1 is just the right length. It's neither too long or two short and I found it cute and well written. It stands as my favourite so far. ^^
I think April 2 had some awesome imagery, stuff I really liked:
"my heart passing rays through your own
so you can shine them back "
And the meaning of the entire poem touched me. Rather beautiful, my dear Saber, nice work.
Luck with all the rest, love! I can't wait to see them now.
*Hearts* Le Penguin. |
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kitty15
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| Posted: Sat Apr 05, 2008 1:04 am Post subject: |
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Thank you for the comments everyone! I'm a little behind but here's number three and I'll post four and five tomorrow when I've fixed them up a bit:
#3. Past Affairs (Edited)
Remnants of red still cling to my sink;
stain transferred from garment to appliances.
It seems I've brought you home with me again.
Such sickly sun-flower curtains. The house will have to go.
Cigarette, my love? Or should I put the oven on?
I'd have done it sooner if I'd known.
Call me in advance next time you're on the way.
It helps to keep in touch, my dear.
Searching streets, scourging buildings for the sight of you...
I'm going to miss the dog. A shame, that.
I wonder if the neighbours will awaken anyway,
to see the house aglow with the warmth we never shared.
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I don't think I like this one. It's too fragmented but I can try to edit later. |
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Last edited by kitty15 on Sun Apr 06, 2008 9:04 pm; edited 2 times in total |
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Jasmine Hart
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| Posted: Sat Apr 05, 2008 7:01 pm Post subject: |
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This is great,Kit. I'd put a question mark after "oven on", but apart from that I can't see anything I'd change. I especially love;
"Such sickly sun-flower curtains. The house will have to go."
and
"It helps to keep in touch, my dear. "
and
"to see the house aglow with the warmth we never shared."
Brilliant stuff, Kit. Keep it up.
Jas |
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| Posted: Sun Apr 06, 2008 1:15 am Post subject: |
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#3 - It is very fragmented and jumpy, but I think it could be something amazing. I love the feel of arson in it! And it was easy to catch but I think some of the lines are so sporatic, and though they make sense, they're still a bit too wild. I feel like you need to put more structure into the story telling of it, or something like that.
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| Or should I put the oven on. |
I agree! Question mark.
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Call me in advance next time you're on the way.
It helps to keep in touch, my dear.
Searching streets, scouraging buildings for the sight of you... |
I don't really understand this stanza in relation to the rest of the poem, which makes it seem kind of wild. I don't see the relation.
I look forward to more, Heather! |
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kitty15
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| Posted: Sun Apr 06, 2008 8:55 pm Post subject: |
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I'm really behind and struggling with ideas so I've resorted to structured poem for this next which was number five until I decided to scrap four completely and will be starting it again later:
#4. Nightmares
The bridge between the living and the dead
where any spoken word has not been said.
Events which happen there have consequence
But only to the fools and those with sense.
Where any spoken word has not been said,
a paradox expands within your head.
Events which happen there have consequence
and equally are but a mere pretence.
A paradox expands within your head
where even angels inspire fear and dread
and equally are but a mere pretence.
From dreamers' world must you awaken hence.
Where even angels inspire fear and dread;
there have you gone and yet leave no absence.
From dreamers' world must you awaken hence;
the bridge between the living and the dead.
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Does it make sense? And would you still understand it without the title? |
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Jasmine Hart
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| Posted: Sun Apr 06, 2008 9:34 pm Post subject: |
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I'm not sure the form does much for you here, Kit. The rhyme is restricting you and forcing you to twist the syntax, and "spoken word has not been said" sounds forced. I think more atmosphere would really help here, and that imagery would be important to this. I don't think the repeated lines really add to this. The first line is very good, and I like;
"a paradox expands within your head." I also like;
"Where even angels inspire fear and dread."
Hope this helps, and good luck with tommorow's. |
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