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Dreamer
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 Posted: Sat Apr 05, 2008 10:56 pm Post subject: Food |
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First creative writing assignment is to write a free form poem on food.
TEACHER'S EXAMPLE:
Potatoes
Powdered snow
In a cardboard box.
We swirl the flakes
And shovel the drifts.
First line is the metaphor, second line gives an idea where it is, third line needs to start with 'We' and continue the metaphor, and fourth line needs to start with 'And' (and again, continue the metaphor).
Here's mine:
Pear
Golden Goddess
Perched in the air.
We reach out to her,
And she grants us life. |
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Last edited by Dreamer on Mon Apr 07, 2008 2:27 am; edited 2 times in total |
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Kenpachi Masamune
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| Posted: Sat Apr 05, 2008 11:32 pm Post subject: |
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Golden Goddess, (Golden fruit....oranges? Apricots?)
Perched in the air, (Orchids obviously)
We reach out to her (Picking them.)
And she grants us life. (Healthy...)
Oranges?
While not as obscure as the original one, I liked it. The other being potatoes made no sense. You actually give an idea on where it grows and thus it flows better for the original line 'Golden Goddess' . Then you have one of prayer, following the metaphor and you end it well.
I don't see anything wrong with this poem. It beats the other one to a pulp and does it with style and sense. The other one doesn't have anything remotely connected to potatoes from what I can see, unless you are in Russia and on the farm...but man that is just cruel to even infer.
I like yours a lot, no problems with it, and it definitely beats your example one. |
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Suzanne
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| Posted: Sun Apr 06, 2008 12:52 am Post subject: |
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Well! I don't really know what to say. Usually when people have creative writing assignments so strict as the one you've been given there is no way on earth the poem that comes from it can actually be good. Haha, which is nothing against you and your poetry skills! It's just that, formats like those are made for bad poetry.
So, as to the assignment, it's good! Although I'm not sure how a pear grants life... hmm. Perhaps it grants sustenance? but that isn't a metaphor. 
Sorry I couldn't help! |
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Derek
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| Posted: Sun Apr 06, 2008 4:32 am Post subject: |
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I dont know much about Pears?
but i dont think their Golden XD.
Its good and the methopors match but i just dont think that it decribes a Pear?
I googled what a Pear looks like XD.
Usually their green but can sometimes have a,yellow color.
Oh XD
Never mind then 
Well then ignoring that!
Yea its good and i dont see how you could get a bad grade on it 
Unless your teacher is uber stricht o.o? |
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Snoink
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| Posted: Sun Apr 06, 2008 4:59 am Post subject: |
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Ew... your teacher is mean.
As Clau said, with this is a sort of poem that is really really hard to critique. So, considering the strict format you have to use, this is fairly good. The only thing I would change is the second line, since "perched" doesn't seem to be the apt word.
Hope that helps! |
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JabberHut
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| Posted: Sun Apr 06, 2008 9:38 pm Post subject: |
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I guess it's useless to repeat what Suz and Snoink said. 
I liked it, considering the assignment. Watch your punctuation, though. In an assignment this strict and having an example to go with it, the punctuation tends to stay the same as the example, except in yours how your last two lines treat the and as a contraction. You're special. You get a comma.
Golden Goddess
Perched in the air.
We reach out to her,
And she grants us life.
Otherwise, I'm thinking it's good for what you can make it!
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tennisprincess
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| Posted: Sun Apr 06, 2008 9:55 pm Post subject: |
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I am not going to post anything.
What a weird thing though.
I dislike this kind of poetry because I feel it doesn't come from the heart enough.
I mean who wants to read about potatoes seriously? Maybe a potatologist or something
But anywways I would rate your potatoes poem a 7. |
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Matt Bellamy
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| Posted: Wed Apr 09, 2008 9:01 pm Post subject: |
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| This is hard to critique! xD I like the shortness of the first line, setting the scene for the rest of the poem. Perched in the air...kind of makes me feel like it's hanging in the air and not in a tree...but oh! She's a Goddess, in the sky, she grants us life! I get it now! I like your metaphor, the way you use personification in it. Maybe a different word could be used instead of air, something higher, like sky, or...wherever else you might expect a Goddess to be. Granting life, like fruit is healthy, but also as in creation, from a religious viewpoint... You have clearly put a lot of thought into this poem, and for that, I think it's great. |
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| Posted: Thu Apr 10, 2008 5:52 pm Post subject: |
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I really like the imagery in this.
It's simple but sharp.
Nothing else to add, the strict format leaves it hard to add anything else! |
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| Posted: Thu Apr 10, 2008 6:52 pm Post subject: |
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| i dare say. i am a bit confused by this poem......but i liked it! Keep writing! |
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casey_kent
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| Posted: Fri Apr 11, 2008 12:37 pm Post subject: |
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| I loved this. I love the way you wrote it! Good job, Dreamer or Selene as PA calls you! |
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| Posted: Sat Apr 12, 2008 7:39 pm Post subject: |
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| I got confused. It sounds like you were talking about something else besides pears. |
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shanan-cat
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| Posted: Wed Apr 16, 2008 7:12 pm Post subject: |
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I don't get it...
Please clarafy
shanan-cat |
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omggdariannnn
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| Posted: Sun Apr 20, 2008 2:44 am Post subject: |
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| i like this. although, im not sure how some of the description matches a pear. think about it. |
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