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My problem with poetry
My problem with poetry

by kris in Other Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction

This thread was created on April 3, 2008
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Dragon Bait 5
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PostPosted: Thu Apr 03, 2008 4:38 am    Post subject: Dragon Bait 5 Reply with quote

Hey, all! Thanks for your great critiques and support so far. I promise I'm going to edit, add chapters, elongate, and make it much much better - all because of YOU! Very Happy

Helpful questions:

1. What is the capitol of Assyria? Razz

2. Is this chapter kind of useless? I mean, do you feel that I could have just done without it and moved on to funner things?

Penelope was holding herself together by only the barest thread. She felt that if she spoke, or Derik spoke, or anyone made any noise, she would break apart and all her pieces would start sobbing as hard as they could. Her head ached abominably and she knew that she hadn't absorbed anything that had just happened. And she was so cold. That's all she could think about. She had already been cold all day, and the flight with the dragon had driven the cold into her very bones. Penelope didn't even notice her surroundings as they passed through what seemed like an interminably long hallway. She kept her eyes on the broad back ahead of her and concentrating on putting one foot in front of the other. She couldn't feel anything in her fingers or her feet, so it felt rather strange, as if she were walking on her ankles.

Abruptly the suited back stopped moving, and Penelope helplessly felt her legs keep walking. It was as if she had no command over what her limbs did, and she couldn't stop herself from banging into him.

"Whoa, look out there." Derik's deep, pleasant voice wasn't as detrimental to her condition as she'd thought it would be.

Penelope found herself falling and calmly thought that unless she put out her hands, she would crack her head on the stone floor. Then she stopped falling, and wondered briefly why, until she saw his large hand circling her wrist. He looked a little concerned, but Penelope couldn't find it in her to speak, or move, or do anything. She couldn't even feel her customary fear at the touch of another person. But then, she couldn't exactly feel his fingers pressing her skin, so why should she be frightened?

"Penelope, are you all right? Your hands are so cold." His own hands closed around them and she could only stare blankly.

Then her knees buckled, and her vision began to darken, and she thought, this is it, I'm going to faint for the first time in my life. How strange.

***

"Penelope. Penelope! What's wrong? Are you all right? You're killing me, here."

Penelope heard a voice in the distance, and though she didn't recognize it, she felt obligated out of politeness to attempt to open her eyes. When she did, a lovely pair of blue eyes hovered far too close to her for comfort. She sighed deeply as she remembered. She was in some kind of bizarre dream where strange thing after strange thing kept happening. But it was all right, because it was just a dream.

"It's okay, Derik. It doesn't matter, it's all a dream," she muttered. Then she sat up and looked around, and realized that it wasn't a dream. "Okay, but it sure feels like it," she said. She was on a very comfortable queen-size bed with flowered quilts and a lot of pillows. A small lamp was set on a bedside table, and there was a large closet in the corner. There was a blue rug covering the stone floor, and her bag was on top of a wooden clothes dresser.

"What's wrong, Penelope?" Derik asked. He was still too close, Penelope thought.

"My feet," she said aloud. "And my hands. I can't move them. I can't think, but I think I'm cold. I think. I don't know, I can't think."

"You said that," said Derik, slightly amused. He looked down at her feet and gasped. "Your feet are so white! Why didn't you say something before?"

He started rubbing them briskly with his hands before Penelope touched his shoulder.

"Could you spend time on my hands first? I kind of need them more than I do my feet," she explained.

Derik stared at her for a second, then laughed heartily as he took her hands and started rubbing them instead. "You are one strange person, Penelope Eros. But I think I like you anyway."

"Well, thanks," said Penelope. "The jury is still out on you. I mean, what kind of a person uses a dragon to steal helpless women from their homes? And you're so egotistical. Hmm...I think if I met you at a party I'd like you, but as it is you're not my favorite guy in the world."

"Do you have a favorite guy in the world?" Derik asked, putting her hands on his shirt underneath his suit coat.

"No. Guys, as a whole, are a pretty lame lot. None of them seem to really like me, anyway. Just because I don't wear my emotions on my sleave, and I like to dress comfortably instead of letting everything I have hang out, and I'm unsocial and I like to read more than I like to party, and I only have one real friend..." Penelope trailed off as she realized she was babbling. She sighed. Having hypothermia was kind of like being drunk, she realized. She didn't have control over her own body. She looked down and realized that Derik was sitting extremely close to her and that he was holding her hands firmly against him. She tried to pull away, but he was holding her too firmly. She began to feel the old fear come back, along with the feeling in her fingers. His skin felt boiling hot to the touch, and tingles prickled along her fingertips.

"Please, Penelope, don't struggle so. I'm trying to help you."

"I'm warm enough, now let go," she snapped. She still couldn't pull away, and fright seemed as if it was going to strangle her. "Please?" she added helplessly. He stopped and stared at her and Penelope blushed as she realized how small and scared she'd sounded. "I mean, let go," she said loudly.

"Okay, I take it you're feeling better," Derik said, jumping off the bed.

Penelope sighed in relief, her space bubble secure once more. "Thank you," she said fervently.

A hurt look crossed Derik's face, but was gone in a moment, replaced by one of sarcastic amusement. "Goodnight, my grateful new wife. I'll see you in the morning. Keep warm."

As the door shut behind him, Penelope struggled to dig herself deeper into the bed. Pain was shooting up and down her feet and hands, but it was preferable to the total numbness she'd had before.

"I have to think, I have to think," she mumbled to herself, tucking her hands underneath her arms and rocking back and forth under the covers. "How to get out of this?"

When it had been merely a matter of being devoured by a dragon, she had been courageous enough. When she had thought the man was going to rape and kill her, she'd been a little scared, but not much. Now that it looked as if she was going to suffer the consequences for her whole life, she was really scared. A new life in a new world was bad enough - though her mind was still working with that concept - but a new husband, too? Sex had always been a mysterious sort of thing for Penelope, since she'd never had it and never watched the movies that had people doing it. All she knew was that it sort of hurt and women got pregnant from it. Which would be the new point of her existence; to have children. And having children hurt.

She couldn't believe it. She didn't want to believe it. However, if she tried to escape, Derik might let the dragon burn Seattle. She couldn't let her parents and Emma be killed. She was a helpless hostage, and held none of the bargaining chips in her own hands. Derik had everything, she had nothing.

Penelope did as she always did when she couldn't handle her life. Her thoughts turned inward, the room disappeared from view and her imagination took over. She sank into the sand on a warm Florida beach with the hero of her story, watching the story of her novel unfold before her eyes. Smiling blissfully, she fell asleep to images of a perfect true love between hero and heroine.

***

Derik flipped on his screen and watched as Penelope's expression went from troubled and frightened to blissfully happy in a matter of seconds. What was she thinking about? She was certainly an enigma.

He had to consider what to do next. His dragon was safely back in its cage, but hadn't fed for a long time. It needed food so it could survive the inter-dimension travel. However, now that he'd finished the job, he wanted to get home as fast as he could. He felt rather bad about dragging Penelope away from her home - all of the women, of course - but particularly Penelope. Maybe it was the courageous way she'd taken it that had made him feel it more particularly, but he felt bad for her.

Shrugging, he reached to turn the screen off but was captured by the image there. She was sleeping so peacefully, hugging herself tightly with a small smile playing across her lips. He wondered what she was dreaming about, and if she had been lying about liking any particular guy. Maybe she had a crush on some writer, but he didn't even know she existed so she didn't want to admit it.

Derik shook his head in disgust. What was happening to him? He wasn't a man of rampant imagination, so why was it taking off on him like this? He flipped off the screen and sat back on his own bed, reluctant to drop off. What if Penelope woke in the night and needed something? She didn't know where anything was. Or worse yet, what if she woke up and tried to sneak away? Derik knew that the cave was miles away from everywhere, and she'd probably die of cold before she'd gotten very far. She was already so cold. He remembered how his heart had jumped at the sight of her tiny, bloodless feet, looking so useless and frozen.

"Oh, for heaven's sake," Derik said aloud. He thumped his fist against his pillow and turned on his side. He closed his eyes firmly. "Fall asleep. Now," he ordered himself.


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PostPosted: Thu Apr 03, 2008 2:48 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

She kept her eyes on the broad back ahead of her and concentrating concentrated on putting one foot in front of the other.

Abruptly the suited back [I'm not sure what you meant to say but this makes no sense...] stopped moving, and Penelope helplessly felt her legs keep walking.

Just because I don't wear my emotions on my sleave sleeve, and I like to dress comfortably instead of letting everything I have hang out, and I'm unsocial and I like to read more than I like to party, and I only have one real friend..."

Derik knew that the cave was miles away from everywhere, and she'd probably die of cold before she'd gotten get very far.

1. What is the capitol of Assyria? Razz I have no idea...

2. Is this chapter kind of useless? I mean, do you feel that I could have just done without it and moved on to funner things? I thought it was good for a little character development. Admittedly, it's probably not necessary but I liked it. It showed Penny becoming more accustomed to her surroundings and gave us an insight into the depth of Derik. It appears that his affection goes beyond the urge to touch her and that he cares about her health.

In general, this wasn't as strong as your past chapters but it doesn't hurt to have a few more mundane, less action packed sections where the reader can get to know the characters a little more and absorb the previous information. I look forward to reading more,

Heather xx

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PostPosted: Thu Apr 03, 2008 4:00 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hiya! The crying smilies worked--as always. Very Happy

Quote:
Abruptly the suited back stopped moving, and Penelope helplessly felt her legs keep walking.
Comma after "abruptly."

Quote:
...this is it, I'm going to faint for the first time in my life. How strange.
I loved this part. Very Happy

Quote:
Derik had everything, she had nothing.
I think this should be something like "Derik had everything. She had nothing." or "Derik had everything; she had nothing." or "Derik had everything--she had nothing." it's more powerful.

Quote:
Penelope did as she always did when she couldn't handle her life. Her thoughts turned inward, the room disappeared from view and her imagination took over.
I think the period after "life" should be a colon... but it's probably right either way.

Quote:
She sank into the sand on a warm Florida beach with the hero of her story, watching the story of her novel unfold before her eyes.
I don't like the repetition of "story."

Quote:
Derik flipped on his screen and watched as Penelope's expression went from troubled and frightened to blissfully happy in a matter of seconds.
You used the word "blissfully" before, when describing the same thing... find a different word. Wink
-----------------

1. What is the capitol of Assyria? Razz mât Aššur

2. Is this chapter kind of useless? I mean, do you feel that I could have just done without it and moved on to funner things?No, I liked it. Like Heather, I think it gives a lot of necessary information and development. We all have been yelling (hypothetically) at you for moving too fast, so this is a well-needed break from action. I like it a lot.

I really don't have much to say. Sad *looks sadly at the pathetic length of her crit*

As always, let me know when you post the next chapter!
~Azila~

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PostPosted: Thu Apr 03, 2008 8:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey Kool.

While this addition was not utterly necessary to your story, I loved it. As Kitty said, it gives us some depth of both characters. I'm kind of developing a crush on Derik (tee-hee). The editing has been taken care of, so I won't bother.

1. What is the capitol of Assyria? No idea.

2. Is this chapter kind of useless? I mean, do you feel that I could have just done without it and moved on to funner things? No, it's not useless. You COULD have done without it, but I'd rather you didn't. It's sweet how Derik actually cares.

Can't wait for more.

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PostPosted: Thu Apr 03, 2008 11:15 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Just to let you know... Dragon Bait is a real book, SO you have to change the title no matter what. Well, im going back to read your story this time.

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PostPosted: Fri Apr 04, 2008 3:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I've been mulling over your plot for the last few days and thought of some flaws that I though I'd point out:

1. Language. If Derik's getting one woman from every CITY in the WORLD, that's bazillions of languages he's gotta learn. Over a thousand in India alone, for that matter. Why doesn't he have an accent in English? You should really fix this one, because little problems like this can give your work an amateur feel. Wink

2. Plot. I know I said this in my review of chapter #4, but you really HAVE to fix it: if this is a worldwide thing, with dragons being used to lure young woman away who NEVER COME BACK, why hasn't word spread? Why do people still not believe that dragons exist? Also, why do the headquarters happen to be right near Seattle? If Derik's dragon picked up a woman from he middle of the desert in, say, Africa, where would they go? Would they just be flying for a really long time? Confused

3. Hypothermia. Looking back, I think it's a bit random that she just gets hypothermia. Especially because you don't really go into a lot of detail about the temperature of the cave prior to this. Doesn't it seem random? Especially because Penny doesn't strike me as the type of person who would be easily subject to illness. On a happier note, though, your description of hypothermia is amazing! It makes me feel like I, myself, have gotten it... which I haven't. ^_^

Yeah, fix those three things and I'll be happier. Razz

~Azila~

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PostPosted: Mon May 12, 2008 9:50 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I agree with Azila the basic plot of your story is solid but has a few holes in it, but I think you could remedy that easily. Well everyone else got to the grammer before me, so I'll answer your questions.

1. What is the capitol of Assyria? Stryda

2. Is this chapter kind of useless? I mean, do you feel that I could have just done without it and moved on to funner things?
No no you probably could have skipped over it but now that its here it needs to stay. You needed a slow paced, get the fell of the characters chapter.
VERY GOOD AND KEEP ON WRITING!!

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