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Cade
Stores writing utensils in a flowerpot.
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 Posted: Tue Apr 01, 2008 11:23 pm Post subject: Updated 30 April: Le Deluge! Cade's Thread. |
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Welcome to my NaPoWriMo thread! Here I will post the poems I write each day in April. Feel free to critique as they come along...these are about as far from finished products as they can be!
NOTE: POEMS 1 - 3 IN THIS POST. ALL OTHERS IN THE THREAD AND LINKED BELOW.
*
1 April
When they come back,
the people who almost die
say they see the classic tunnel,
long-dead relatives waving to them
from the end of it.
It is often said that the future
is bright. So, too, is the light at the end
of the tunnel? If that is true,
then it must not be too bad to die.
Not that I'm looking forward to it,
but when the time comes, I imagine
the tunnel will float before me,
a warm light hinting from the end,
and maybe from the sides,
maybe all around, a tunnel full of light!
And at the end, the people peering into
my PVC pipe into heaven
will wrap their arms around me, say
"Welcome. That wasn't so bad, was it?"
*
2 April
You, who are amused by the writing of poetry,
asked me once if I have ever written about you.
Naturally, I said, "Never," and I was glad
that you didn't recognize the lie.
Of course, what would have happened if I
had said, "Yes. Many times," if I had
looked up into your eyes instead of
down at my pen-in-hand, poised to
write 'love' on a lonely piece of paper?
*
3 April
when I woke I heard birds singing
sweet notes to the wet grass clinging
spring soft before summer's stinging
geese upon the warm lofts winging.
*
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18 (two poems)
19
20
21
22
23
24
25
26
27
28
29
30 |
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"My pet, I've been to the devil, and he's a very dull fellow. I won't go there again, even for you..."
Last edited by Cade on Wed Apr 30, 2008 11:35 pm; edited 36 times in total |
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Maki-Chan
Roar!
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| Posted: Wed Apr 02, 2008 1:15 am Post subject: |
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Its different, and I liked it. ^_^ I think you're right it still needs more. Like either a happy ending to it or a sad one. Like the light not being there. Or maybe a twist. Like you end up in hell, or wake up in bed.
Keep it up. Tell me when it is finished though. |
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OverEasy
I are cute O.O
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| Posted: Wed Apr 02, 2008 1:24 am Post subject: |
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| I really love this, you have such a way with words. I love the idea of the people scooping you up, and the little line of dialogue at the end is perfect. |
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Gadi.
i
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| Posted: Wed Apr 02, 2008 1:50 am Post subject: |
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This seemed very much like an important, wonderful stream-of-conciousness poem, and I liked it. However, the rhythm and the structure were somewhat stuck in the middle. Here's my fix:
1 April
When they come back,
the people who almost die
say they see long-gone relatives
waving to them
from the end of the tunnel.
It is often said:
the future is bright;
and the light at the end of the tunnel?
If it is true, then it must not be too bad to die.
Not that I'm looking forward to it.
But when it comes, I imagine,
the tunnel will float before me,
a warm light staring from the one end
and maybe from the sides;
maybe all around, a tunnel full of light!
And at the end, the people peering into
my PVC ?pipe into heaven
will wrap their arms around me, and say:
"Welcome. That wasn't so bad, was it?"
So yes, I enjoyed it somewhat, though it was a bit messy and a little too concious/reflective for me. |
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Cade
Stores writing utensils in a flowerpot.
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| Posted: Wed Apr 02, 2008 2:44 am Post subject: |
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Gadi and others - thanks for the input! PVC pipe, by the way, is that really common plastic piping that's probably used for a lot of things in your house, i.e. carrying water.
PVC pipe:
 |
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Leja
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| Posted: Wed Apr 02, 2008 10:59 pm Post subject: |
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| Quote: |
the people peering into
my PVC pipe into heaven
will wrap their arms around me, say
"Welcome. That wasn't so bad, was it?" |
The two uses of "into" here make it a tad awkward (there're also numerous uses of "tunnel" throughout the poem), but as a whole, I adore this as an ending.
| Quote: |
Of course, what would have happened if I
had said, "Yes. Many times," if I had
looked up into your eyes instead of
down at my pen-in-hand, poised to
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I find this to be a highly effective stanza break. I'm a little confused as to the use of "of course" in the third stanza. On the first reading, I saw it as more of an almost cynical "this was bound to happen" sentiment, but on the second time through, I saw it as more of a "but what if?" I really like this second poem ^_^
Happy April poetry-ing! |
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Suzanne
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| Posted: Thu Apr 03, 2008 12:04 am Post subject: |
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I adore any excuse to read glorious words that swarm out of your mouth like the most precious bugs. [Uh. Sorry for the weird metaphor, haha]
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And at the end, the people peering into
my PVC pipe into heaven
will wrap their arms around me, say
"Welcome. That wasn't so bad, was it?" |
I love this part so much--it's the only thing I can pick at though. The repetition of "into" bugs at me. Otherwise, it is incredebly beautiful and I love, love, love it.
I also love, love, love 2 April. I'm never going to have much to say on these. Do you know how much I love, love, love your poetry?  |
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Caligula's Launderette
that's just what we call pillow talk, baby
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| Posted: Thu Apr 03, 2008 4:08 am Post subject: |
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On 2 April,
I love, love, love this poem. I especially love the assonance in the first stanza,
 |
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Jasmine Hart
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| Posted: Thu Apr 03, 2008 11:32 pm Post subject: |
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April 2;
This is really great, Cade. I can't fault it.
April 1;
I really enjoyed this one too, though for some reason I can't quite articulate, I liked it a tad less than the second. The concept behind it was great. I particularily love the second stanza, and the last line. |
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Trident
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| Posted: Fri Apr 04, 2008 4:42 am Post subject: |
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April 2
I liked what you were trying to do with the poem, but it could be put a bit more articulately? That last line was lovely.
April 3
Very nice use of sound. The first line tripped me up a bit though. But very nice otherwise. |
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Cade
Stores writing utensils in a flowerpot.
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| Posted: Sat Apr 05, 2008 3:31 am Post subject: |
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Thanks for the comments. I'm already tearing my hair out. How on earth will I survive to the end of the month?
Anyway, so I'm being not-like-everyone-else and posting my poems in the first post but now I've decided to put them both in the original post and in new ones in the thread. We'll see how that works out:
4 April
Take me out dancing. I don't care where—
we can go to the church where the old men
contra dance with the sweet girls or we can
go to the nightclubs or the ballrooms and I
will wear a long red dress that blossoms
upside-down as I spin into your embrace.
Take me out dancing. I will wear the dress
and you can wear your smile, the one that says
When I am with you I germinate, bloom, glory
in your presence as though you were the sun. |
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"My pet, I've been to the devil, and he's a very dull fellow. I won't go there again, even for you..." |
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Suzanne
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| Posted: Sat Apr 05, 2008 3:39 am Post subject: |
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I wish your words could be converted into sustenance for my benefit.
It was beautiful, but of course I was crossing my fingers that you would say more than just description, just talk and babble [though I love your talk and babble!] and you did:
| Quote: |
you can wear your smile, the one that says
When I am with you I germinate, bloom, glory
in your presence as though you were the sun. |
I love you. You used the word germinate in the most sexy way possible. The metaphor finishes this poem off with a spark--or perhaps I should say, a glow from the sun? Perhaps one of those little fire bursts that occur on the surface of the sun. What is that called?
You're amazing. Constantly, perpetually--you are amazing. |
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Morgenstern, ach, scheine auf das Antlitz mein.
Wirf ein warmes Licht auf mein Ungesicht.
Sag mir ich bin nicht alleine...
(und der Stern will scheinen.) |
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Cade
Stores writing utensils in a flowerpot.
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| Posted: Sat Apr 05, 2008 3:46 am Post subject: |
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| Aww, Suzie! You make me feel warm and fuzzy inside. I actually hated that poem. But now it seems like an ugly deformed puppy that I was going to kill and you saved it out of the kindness of your soul. |
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"My pet, I've been to the devil, and he's a very dull fellow. I won't go there again, even for you..." |
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Cade
Stores writing utensils in a flowerpot.
Master of the Forum
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| Posted: Sun Apr 06, 2008 3:17 am Post subject: |
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5 April
If I ever commit suicide—
I know, a morbid thought, but hush
and let me think—what will it say?
I might apologize to my friends and family;
I might tell them why. I might thumb my
nose at the world.
I might be poetic. I might be succinct
and even funny, an object of humor
once I have been forgotten.
Or I might be entirely straightforward,
plain. Honest, as George Eastman was
when he wrote, "My work is done.
Why wait?" |
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"My pet, I've been to the devil, and he's a very dull fellow. I won't go there again, even for you..." |
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Suzanne
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| Posted: Sun Apr 06, 2008 3:36 am Post subject: |
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Colly,
That is one of the most beautiful and perfect and exact and beautiful things I've read in a long time.
Your jaw-dropped and feet-kissing fan,
Suzanne |
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Morgenstern, ach, scheine auf das Antlitz mein.
Wirf ein warmes Licht auf mein Ungesicht.
Sag mir ich bin nicht alleine...
(und der Stern will scheinen.) |
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