Topic ID: 27709
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
sokool15
So Long, and Thanks for all the Fish
Speaker of the Forum
Gender: 
Age: 17
Joined: 11 Dec 2006
Posts: 583
Reviews: 307
Country: If I told you, I'd have to...you know...reprimand you gently.
300 Points
|
 Posted: Tue Mar 25, 2008 7:53 pm Post subject: Dragon Bait |
 |
|
If readers could answer these helpful questions in a critique, I'd be eternally grateful!
1. Is it too long for just one chapter/post?
2. Did I introduce the dragon too quickly?
3. Were the people's reactions realistic, or were they too calm? (specifically Penelope)
4. Were the descriptions too repetative?
Thanks so much, and I hope you enjoy it!!!
CHAPTER 1
Penelope glanced out the large window facing the shore, watching the slow drop of rain travel down the glass, joining with other, smaller drops to replace the water it was losing as it completed its long journey. It reached the windowsill and dripped into the growing puddle. Sighing, Penelope glanced down at her small notebook and tore out the page she had begun on, crumpling it and tossing it away from her desk to the bright yellow trash can.
Usually Penelope loved rain, but just now she was attempting to describe a happy, sunny day in Florida, and this weather just wasn't cutting it.
"I have a good imagination, but it's not that good," Penelope muttered. She straightened, bringing her long legs down from the chair and wiggling her bare toes in the air in front of her.
"What was that, Penny?"
Penelope looked over her shoulder and grinned. "Nothing...Mom, are you dusting again?"
"You know Dad is allergic to dust mites."
Penelope rolled her eyes. "Then why do we live in Seattle?"
"Bad mood?" her mother asked, lifting up a small statue to dust underneath it.
"Just can't get this stupid scene written. I think I need a walk," Penelope said, standing up and stretching. She put her notebook and a pen in the voluminous pocket of her long, loose green coat. Tying it firmly at the waist, Penelope flipped up her collar and nodded to her mother.
"But Pen, it's raining," protested Ann, flipping her long brown and gray braid over her shoulder.
"Since when has that ever stopped me?" Penelope grinned. Opening the door, she skipped down the five stairs and into the light drizzle. Avoiding the big wet German Shepherd that whined for her attention, she swung open the low white picket fence and began skipping along the road, swinging a piece of string so it wrapped around her finger, then unwrapped it.
She wandered aimlessly through the streets at first, nodding to everyone she passed and smiling cheerily. Then she caught sight of the tall news building that loomed above the neighborhood only six blocks away. She began striding towards it, her long steps eating up the wet ground.
Pausing outside the long cement stairway leading up to large glass doors, Penelope stomped her feet, jumping up and down to get as much water as she could off her flip-flops and the bottoms of her loose camoflauge pants. She unbuttoned her trench coat and groaned as she noticed a stain on her large tunic top. Sighing, she started up the stairs, taking them two at a time and reaching the top within seconds. Without slowing down she barrelled through the door and came to a skidding stop within the building. Taking a deep breath, she grinned as the familiar smell of freshly printed newspapers came to her.
Whipping out her notebook and a stub of a pencil, she gazed at the yellow wall-paper, decorated with palm trees. This was just what she had needed. She would hang out here, write her sunny Florida scene, and then go say hi to Emma. Biting her lip and glancing at the wall-paper every once in awhile to refresh her imagination, she began scribbling. It was flowing much easier now. Penelope could almost feel the hot sand under her feet, and she curled her toes inside her clammy, cold flip-flops.
"Excuse me, miss."
Penelope frowned. Why had her hero just said that? He was out surfing alone.
"Excuse me, miss, I'm going to have to ask you to -"
Penelope blinked and the beach disappeared from her vision. "What?" she snapped, turning abruptly.
A tall man with light brown hair was standing behind her, dressed in a security uniform, an apologetic look on his face.
"I'm sorry, but you're not allowed in here. I realize it's raining, but the building policy is that -"
"What the hell are you talking about, sir? There's nothing in building policy about people like me," Penelope interrupted him.
"But I assure you there is. I just read the booklet yesterday and it says that nobody is allowed to ask for handouts inside the building."
Penelope took a breath to argue, then stopped in shock. Her mouth opened and closed, and she looked down at her clothing. Sure, it was men's clothing and it was too big for her. Sure, it had a few holes in it, and maybe it was a little dirty, but still. She didn't look like a tramp, did she?
"Wow."
Penelope heard a new voice behind her and turned around in relief. "Emma! Thank goodness you're here."
"This is a new low for you, Penny," a woman with cropped red hair stood there, grinning widely at Penelope's discomfort.
"Could you convince this young gentleman that I'm not a beggar?" Penelope asked patiently.
"I'm sorry, miss, do you know this woman?" The security guard asked, confused.
"Yeah," said Emma. She patted him comfortingly on the arm. "You're new here, right? Don't worry, it takes everyone awhile to get used to Penny here. She does free-lance writing every once in awhile for the paper."
"But I'm in the middle of a novel right now, so I'm just here for inspiration," said Penelope, waving to the bright yellow walls. "Too rainy out for a Florida scene."
The security guard nodded. "Well, I'm Jeremy. I'm sorry about the confusion. I hope you can find it in you to forgive me."
"Fine, fine," said Penelope. She pulled out her notebook and wrote one more sentence, then stuck it back in her pocket. Linking arms with Emma, she strolled down the carpeted hallway towards the offices. As they turned around the corner, Emma stole a last glance at Jeremy, who was hitting himself lightly in the face and groaning.
"He was really cute. You should have stuck around and made friends," she remarked to Penelope.
"I make friends with all the security guards eventually anyway," said Penelope. "And I didn't notice that he was cute. Stop trying to hook me up. Men don't like me, it's just that simple. As soon as you accept that, we'll all be a lot happier."
Emma shrugged, then grinned, blue eyes dancing with mischief. "Guess what? We had a really weird story come in today. You should come check it out."
They arrived at Emma's office and Penelope, after greeting all the other writers who were tapping away at their keyboards intently, sat down. Emma handed her a handwritten page and Penelope scanned it quickly.
"Dear newspaper people...I've recieved a note...a dragon?" Penelope turned to Emma and raised an eyebrow.
"Keep reading," Emma said, grinning.
"Fearsome dragon...blah blah...demands a beautiful virgin to appease it." Penelope threw the hastily scribbled note onto the desk and shook her head. "Some kook, or what?"
"He called in later to follow up on the note," Emma explained. "He lives in the country, and saw the dragon flying across his field. He thought it was huge kite or something, and went down to investigate, and the 'dragon' dropped a note for him."
"Do you have the note?" Penelope asked curiously.
"Yep." Emma scrabbled through her papers and pulled out a small envelope. Carefully she removed a small scrap of heavy paper and handed it to Penelope. She took it in the palm of her hand and surveyed it carefully. It was made out of some strange sort of tree bark. The tiny, exact writing was burned into the bark.
"Bring a beautiful virgin to the top of the space needle by midnight or Malchesda will burn the city." Penelope looked up at Emma. "This is totally weird. Did you investigate the farmer?"
"Yeah, it's all been done. According to the man's neighbors, he's always been a plegmatic, normal, dependable guy. His wife was contacted and she seemed very surprised by his behavior."
Penelope walked over to the window and looked out across the city, surveying the spindly space need sticking up above the rest of the buildings. Tapping her lip, she grinned as Emma joined her. "I wonder..."
"What's that?" Emma pointed across the city. Next to the space needle a little brigh spot circled high in the air. "Is it coming towards us?" she asked, biting her fingernail.
"This is weird. Hold on." Penelope got her camera out of her pocket and snapped a few shots of the rapidly growing spot. Emma ran for her own camera and Penelope turned to one of the other reporters.
"Hey, look at this," she said. She and the reporter turned together to face the window and froze. The other reporter screamed and turned in three quick circles before fainting dead away. Penelope's mouth dropped open and the camera dropped useless from her fingers. In front of the window there hovered a huge dragon. There was no other explanation for the massive creature. The long, scaly body, the fiery glow that seemed to come from within, the huge jaws slobbering drops of fire to the sidewalk below, the red-hot teeth glinting menacingly from within the dragon's fiery mouth. Huge orange eyes glinted from beneath hard, scaly brows, and the rain hissed as it came within range of his heat. A fog was forming around the huge, hot body of the dragon, obscuring it from view.
Penelope stepped back from the window as the heat from the dragon's huge body started to penetrate the thick glass. She gulped as she saw the glass beginning to sag outwards, and knew it was only a matter of seconds before it either melted or shattered. The dragon turned it's massive head to the side and opened its jaws. An extremely thin line of fire streamed out across the streat and hit a stop sign, melting it instantly into a blob of metal on the sidewalk. Then the dragon lifted its head to the sky, shoved off the ground and winged away, its wings dissipating the fog around it, drops of fire raining down as flame leaked out of its jaws. Penelope's eyes stayed glued to the fiery beast until it was again nothing but a dot of brightness in the distance.
"Oh, God." The reporter that had fainted lay on the floor, moaning. Penelope helped him sit up and he held his head. "Did I just imagine that? Please say I just imagined that."
Emma felt a hand on her shoulder and looked up to find Emma's wide eyes staring down at her. "Penelope, are you okay? I almost threw up when I saw that thing out there and you just standing there."
"Did you get any pictures?" Penelope asked, standing and buttoning her trench coat.
"Yeah...yeah, I did, but. Oh my God, Penny, it was a dragon! D. r. a. g. o. n." Emma spelled it out for Penelope.
"I know, Emma, thank you for that. Let me see your camera."
Emma's hand trembled as she held out the digital camera to Penelope. Penny flipped through the pictures, suppressing a shudder at the memories the pictures brought up.
"Get these developed as quickly as you can and bring them to me. We only have till midnight," she said, handing the camera back to Emma.
"What?" Emma asked, dazed.
Penelope sighed, raised her hand and gave Emma a hard slap across the face. "Emma, pull yourself together. The note, the note! Obviously the dragon is the real, so the threat must be real too. We need to get to the police station, see what they can do about finding a beautiful virgin to set up on top of the space needle. Maybe they'll have ideas as to some sort of trap we could set for it."
Emma nodded and hurried off to the building's developing shop. There were a lot of times when quickly developed pictures were necessary, so they kept one in the news building itself.
Penelope wandered around, giving drinks of water to shocked reporters and surveying the damage to the glass. She frowned and studied it. It was bulging outwards where the dragon had been, and was thicker at the bottom than the top, but it still looked fairly sturdy now that it had cooled.
"Should we get the glass replaced, do you think?"
Penelope turned at the sound of the Jeremy the security guard's voice. She nodded in recognition and turned back to studying the window. "Well, it seems to be fairly sturdy but I don't know how long it would hold up in extreme temperatures. Why don't you take care of it?"
Jeremy nodded, running a hand through his wavy hair. "Sure. Are you all right?"
Penelope sighed. "Well, I've been better. It's not every day one sees a dragon, you know. I had always assumed they were just mythical creatures from fairy tales. But there's something a little fishy about this."
"What do you mean?" Jeremy asked.
"Well, for one thing, how could a dragon like what we saw write something as delicate as the note? It looked to me as if every part of the dragon was basically made from fire. How could it have gotten hold of the bark without burning it up?"
"Well, I haven't seen this note you're talking about, but what you're saying makes sense," said Jeremy. "What are you thinking?"
"That there's someone else involved," said Penelope firmly. She turned as Emma came panting through the doorway with a large yellow envelope. She gave it to Penelope, nodding Jeremy a greeting. Penelope sorted through the pictures, pulling seven of them out of the envelope. She handed them to Jeremy and he whistled.
"Why were you just standing there?" he asked, pointing to one of the pictures. It was zoomed out, and showed Penelope as a tiny, ragged figure, dwarfed by the fiery head of the dragon. The other reporter was sprawled out of the floor at Penelope's feet, and papers were fluttering down all around her. Laughing shakily, Emma winked at Jeremy.
"It looks like some sort of horror or fantasy movie, starring Penelope Erose as the savior of mankind."
Jeremy chuckled with her, nodding. Penelope bit her lip. "You know I'm not, though. The problem is, someone will have to be willing to take on that role."
"Some beautiful virgin, to be precise," Emma answered soberly.
"Well, let's get to the police. Maybe they'll have some ideas," said Penelope. She patted Jeremy absently on the shoulder. "You stay here and get things straightened out. If you don't see me again you'll know I've been run through by a unicorn."
Emma linked arms with her as they hurried down the long ramped hallway towards the entrance. "Not funny, Penny, not funny. My head hurts." |
_________________
Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much. |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
LunaBuna43
(oT..To)
Epic Novelist
Gender:
Age: 12
Joined: 27 Jan 2008
Posts: 3248
Reviews: 63
Country: In Granola Bar Land, eating all the s'mores
5 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Mar 25, 2008 10:06 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| Quote: |
| Emma felt a hand on her shoulder and looked up to find Emma's wide eyes staring down at her. |
I think you mean, Penelope felt a hand on her shoulder
1. In my opinion no, I like reading long posts such as this instead of going from page to page.
2. Not at all! I loved how you introduced it especially.
3. Penelope's reaction was very calm...the others however were going crazy
4. No, I'm a fan of how you describe your characters in fact. |
_________________
"When other girls wanted to be Ballerinas, I kind of wanted to be a Vampire." ~Me
My first puppers Pikapet
My second puppers Pikapet
My third puppers Pikapet |
|
| Back to top |
|
caitlinko
Novice
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 24 Mar 2008
Posts: 7
Reviews: 4
Country: Canada
300 Points
|
| Posted: Wed Mar 26, 2008 5:48 am Post subject: |
|
|
First off, I'd like to say wow, this is a different sort of story. I love love LOVE modern/fantasy mixes, so I'm thrilled to have found this... and now, for your critique..
1. Is it too long for just one chapter/post? Nooo! I like long ones; they give me more time to get into it... and if I get into it straight away (like in this one), it's just all the more time to enjoy it. =)
2. Did I introduce the dragon too quickly? Well.... no. I mean, it *was* insanely fast-paced to meet the antagonist (if it is the antagonist :O) right away, but it works as a technique of, you know, starting off with a bang and building from that.
3. Were the people's reactions realistic, or were they too calm? (specifically Penelope) NO. This was my one gripe with it. They were not realistic at all. I'm sorry. There would be a lot less coherence and more screaming.
BUT!
For the sake of moving a story forward, sometimes we need to take liberties like that, of course.
BUT!
...only to an extent.
Right, so, in a nutshell I'd say these reactions will work if your story is going to be a kind of a semi-silly or comedic genre... which it is at the moment kind of touching anyways. In that kind of story, unrealistic characters are frequently loveable and fun to read about. But if you're not aiming towards that kind of story, yeah, I'd advise you changing up their reactions a bit.
4. Were the descriptions too repetative? Not at all. Your descriptions were great, not too long and not too scarce, and very accurate. (Not that I'd know... about.. a dragon..... I meant the glass! The glass!) |
_________________
Madam, I may be drunk, but you are ugly... and in the morning, I will be sober.
-Sir Winston Churchill |
|
| Back to top |
|
KJ
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 04 Mar 2008
Posts: 368
Reviews: 319
Country: USA
221 Points
|
| Posted: Wed Mar 26, 2008 1:47 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Only thing I found was this:
Normally, since someone is is spelling out loud, it would be: D-R-A-G-O-N.
I enjoyed this. I genuinely hope you post an addition. The only other problem I had with this was your title. If you didn't already know, this particular title has been used and published. Sometimes I don't have an issue with titles being reused, but for some reason this one doesn't fit.
Will be watching for more. |
_________________
Write like your life depends on it. |
|
| Back to top |
|
GryphonFledgling
How you've turned my world, you precious thing...
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 30 Dec 2007
Posts: 487
Reviews: 346
Country: in the slithy tove...
1079 Points
|
| Posted: Wed Mar 26, 2008 3:37 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Yes, I must second KJ in that this title has already been used (it is a fabulous book though, I hugely recommend it). I would change it, just for the sake of avoiding confusion.
Anyway, onto your questions:
| Quote: |
| 1. Is it too long for just one chapter/post? |
No, it seemed fine to me. I've seen some really long ones, but this one seemed fine.
| Quote: |
| 2. Did I introduce the dragon too quickly? |
Erm, I think it happened kind of quickly. Maybe they could do a little more investigation into the story and are beginning to think either a) this was just a stupid hoax or b) that there might actually be something to this, before the dragon actually shows up in the story.
| Quote: |
| 3. Were the people's reactions realistic, or were they too calm? (specifically Penelope) |
WAY too calm. Everyone seemed fine afterwards. Honestly, I think people would be in shock and babbling and clinging to each other.
| Quote: |
| 4. Were the descriptions too repetative? |
I think that the whole description of Penelope's clothing was a bit long and repetitive. The entire story stopped just to accommodate the description. Me no likies.
A question of my own:
Just how old is Penelope? She is living with her parents apparently, so I was thinking maybe teens, but then when she meets the security guard and so on and so forth, she seemed older.
Ah, a story about a writer. *sigh* I have an idea for a story involving a writer, but I have yet to write it. It is nice to see us recognized in the very thing we write.
Anyway, I am interested in seeing what happens next. Update soon!
~GryphonFledgling |
_________________
Ink is the strongest drug, the deepest ocean, the longest journey and the strangest love... ~me |
|
| Back to top |
|
sokool15
So Long, and Thanks for all the Fish
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 11 Dec 2006
Posts: 583
Reviews: 307
Country: If I told you, I'd have to...you know...reprimand you gently.
300 Points
|
| Posted: Wed Mar 26, 2008 4:39 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Thank you all so much for INCREDIBLY helpful critiques.
I think I'll keep on posting my new material, but add another chapter at the beginning that would keep investigating the dragon, before moving on to the dragon actually showing up.
When I edit, I'll definitely liven up the reactions...a LOT. That's what I was afraid of, you see. I wanted Penelope to be a very calm sort of person who's not at all afraid of death...it's just her personality and upbringing coming out. But everybody else...I definitely see your point.
Thanks all, and I hope you'll continue reading!
~MademoiselleKool
EDIT: Sorry, I didn't know about the title. I'll try to change it...any suggestions? |
_________________
Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much. |
|
| Back to top |
|
lluvialover
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 21 Mar 2008
Posts: 34
Reviews: 18
Country: USA
300 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Mar 27, 2008 2:40 am Post subject: |
|
|
| I really enjoyed readiing this, it's like I actually lived in the story. It sounds so real and beautiful =) |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
Azila
One at a Time...
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 23 Jul 2007
Posts: 881
Reviews: 453
Country: The Valley of the Wind
1013 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Mar 27, 2008 3:16 am Post subject: |
|
|
| Quote: |
| Without slowing down she barrelled through the door and came to a skidding stop within the building. |
There should be a comma after "down" and also, where I cone from we spell it "barreled" but that might be different where you are.
| Quote: |
| Penelope could almost feel the hot sand under her feet, and she curled her toes inside her clammy, cold flip-flops. |
Hehe, I love this.  But you don't need "clammy" AND "cold"... that's repetitive. ^_~
| Quote: |
| Sure, it had a few holes in it, and maybe it was a little dirty, but still. She didn't look like a tramp, did she? |
This punctuation seems a little weird to me; maybe try, "Sure, it had a few holes in it, and maybe it was a little dirty. But still; she didn't look like a tramp, did she?"
| Quote: |
| Carefully she removed a small scrap of heavy paper and handed it to Penelope. |
There should be a comma after "carefully."
| Quote: |
| It was made out of some strange sort of tree bark. The tiny, exact writing was burned into the bark. |
I don't like the repetition of "bark." 
| Quote: |
In front of the window there hovered a huge dragon. |
Self-explanatory, no?
| Quote: |
| Then the dragon lifted its head to the sky, shoved off the ground and winged away, its wings dissipating the fog around it, drops of fire raining down as flame leaked out of its jaws. |
I think you should make "winged" into "flew" just because you later use the word "wing" in the same sentence.
| Quote: |
| Obviously the dragon is the real, so the threat must be real too. |
That should either be "the real ONE" or just "real"
| Quote: |
| The other reporter was sprawled out of the floor at Penelope's feet, and papers were fluttering down all around her. |
That should be "on" rather than "of" ^_~
-----------------
1. Is it too long for just one chapter/post? In most cases, I would say yes (I don't like reading long things on the computer--it hurts the eyes) but your style kept me reading and left me wanting more.
2. Did I introduce the dragon too quickly? Maybe, although I don't think it's a big thing to worry about.
3. Were the people's reactions realistic, or were they too calm? (specifically Penelope) They were too calm. I don't mind that Penny was so calm, because everyone is gawking over how col she is about it, but the others should be much more shaken. And if they're not, then you should exaggerate it more, like you did with Penelope. Jeremy, for instance, is waaaaaay too calm. Also, what about the people on the sidewalks/roads? You don't say anything about them and I think you should.
4. Were the descriptions too repetative? Nope. Your imagery was great.
One thing to work on as you continue with this story: I think you have a good idea of penny's character, but you should make sure that the side characters have personalities as well.
I hope this helps! PM me if you need anything clarified or whatever.
Let me know when you post more of this, ok?
~Azila~ |
_________________
Want a critique?
"If there's ever a war without blood and gore, I'll be the first to go." --Phil Ochs (1940-1976)
Hungry for reviews! |
|
| Back to top |
|
kitty15
Your friendly neighbourhood kitten
Epic Novelist
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 15 May 2007
Posts: 4234
Reviews: 1223
Country: England
469 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Apr 01, 2008 4:46 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Avoiding the big wet German Shepherd that whined for her attention, she swung open the low white picket fence and began skipping along the road, swinging a piece of string so it wrapped around her finger, then unwrapped it and then unwrapped.
Whipping out her notebook and a stub of a pencil, she gazed at the yellow wall-paper, decorated with palm trees. This was just what she had needed.
"He lives in the country, and saw the dragon flying across his field. He thought it was a huge kite or something, and went down to investigate, and the 'dragon' dropped a note for him."
Penelope walked over to the window and looked out across the city, surveying the spindly space needle sticking up above the rest of the buildings.
"What's that?" Emma pointed across the city. Next to the space needle a little bright spot circled high in the air.
An extremely thin line of fire streamed out across the streat street and hit a stop sign, melting it instantly into a blob of metal on the side-walk.
Emma Penelope felt a hand on her shoulder and looked up to find Emma's wide eyes staring down at her.
1. Is it too long for just one chapter/post? No, not at all.
2. Did I introduce the dragon too quickly? Yes. I think it's good that you've decided to add another chapter where they research the story. Include an interview with the finder of the note, that could be quite interesting.
3. Were the people's reactions realistic, or were they too calm? (specifically Penelope) I think Penny's reaction was great but the others do need to scream more and I think that Penny should maybe snap at Emma to take some photos before she actually gets her camera out. I think they need to be more sceptical too afterwards and perhaps slightly hysterical for some. I think Jeremy should maybe be very sure that it's a hoax considering he hasn't seen it and should try thinking of ways it could have been done. Then others can mention the heat and the glass and they can start to decide that it must have been real. And if nothing else is still a story worth looking into from Penny's point of view.
4. Were the descriptions too repetative? I agree that there was a little too much on Penny's outfit and the part with her playing with a bit of string seemed rather random and out of place. The others are good though.
In general, an excellent start I think. Penny's character is very well defined already and the description of the dragon and the glass is great. |
_________________
Love is but a lie to tame the heart,
To trap and chain; ensnare the soul.
Love is just the end and not the start
Of life. In truth, love has no role. |
|
| Back to top |
|
Archstormangel
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 31 Mar 2008
Posts: 216
Reviews: 42
300 Points
|
| Posted: Wed Apr 02, 2008 7:09 pm Post subject: |
|
|
1. Is it too long for just one chapter/post?
No, it's wonderful.
2. Did I introduce the dragon too quickly?
Just a little bit. It was a bit too convenient.
3. Were the people's reactions realistic, or were they too calm? (specifically Penelope)
No. There would be screaming, peple calling 9-1-1, generl chaos. And Penelope was WAY too calm, too soon.
4. Were the descriptions too repetative?
Nope. Wonderful descriptions. :3
You're a great writer, but you're favoring Penelope just a little too much.
Other than that, it was absolutely wonderful. Thrilling. Brilliant story 
Thanks so much, and I hope you enjoy it!!! |
_________________
Quoth the Raven, "Neve-"
"Wait, wait wait! What the hell are you talking about, ravens don't talk! Geez!"
*points to Hummer pulling into gas station* Haha, you have to pay a lot. |
|
| Back to top |
|
Tyd
Senior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 18
Joined: 08 May 2007
Posts: 186
Reviews: 6
Country: England
315 Points
|
| Posted: Wed Apr 02, 2008 10:36 pm Post subject: |
|
|
1. Is it too long for just one chapter/post?
Nope, it didn't drag on at all to me, and i was in a hurry to read it XD
2. Did I introduce the dragon too quickly?
I agree with above. As soon as you mention the dragon, BANG- it's already here. Defo needs a pro-longed delay.
3. Were the people's reactions realistic, or were they too calm? (specifically Penelope)
I think more people would run away; not watch from the office window- it's a dragon with fire coming out it's mouth xD. RUNNnn!
4. Were the descriptions too repetative?
I like the descriptions, especially at the beginning-it flowed at a nice pace.
Overall, it was a very good piece to read. I think you will do well if it continues in this manor. Make sure you don't wonder off into all-speech narrative, bring back some of that classic descriptive work.
Ill be checking back ^_^ |
_________________
Writing a book is like climbing a mountain... the further you get, the tougher it becomes. |
|
| Back to top |
|
Runawaythoughts
Writer
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 27 Mar 2008
Posts: 57
Reviews: 35
228 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Apr 04, 2008 12:38 am Post subject: |
|
|
I LOVED IT! L-O-V-E-D it!. Only a few things i found though.
1) Yes i did think your characters were a little flat. Between Emma and Penny theres plenty of happiness, but fear and sadness, nowhere near enough.
2) I thought your descriptions were good. Don't worry about em. One thing though, look at your dragon? THink of how a reader would interpet that. I started out thinking it was a scaly dragon like from th emovie reign of fire. (gave you a movie name so you could check out what i meant via google if you want to) But then later, you said the thing was practically nothing but fire. And totalally made me re-think what the dragon looked like, and thats not good. Try to describe the dragon well here.
3) I think you put the dragon in at a great time. Hopefully it's a main character, because usually only main characters, or characters your willing to get rid of soon, are described so early.
GOOD LUCK WITH THESE, I'll be back to read more and give you a grammer/spelling critique later. |
_________________
Read my stories and please review back! |
|
| Back to top |
|
vet4life13
Writer
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 03 Apr 2008
Posts: 56
Reviews: 31
Country: The secret place of God
355 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Apr 08, 2008 7:28 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| This is a great idea for a story. I think Penelope was a little too calm, but I like how you made her seem so brave. I love the descriptions you give. You really painted a picture in my mind. Awesome job. I'm hooked |
_________________
Be anxious for nothing, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which trancends all understanding will guard your hearts and minds through Jesus Christ. Phil 4:6-7 |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
