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One cannot mute the imagined sound
One cannot mute the imagined sound

by timjim77 in Dramatic Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Dramatic Poetry

This thread was created on April 2, 2008
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Wildfire
Topic ID: 28147
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PostPosted: Wed Apr 02, 2008 5:16 am    Post subject: Wildfire Reply with quote

1



The night we returned home, burning ashes

floated in air like fireflies. We heard the

sirens ring through the night; school was out,

and we could just make out a red streak

across the highway. Our home was filled

with strangers, and their clothes smelled like

tires, and tears, and metal, and the Diaspora

of neighbors, some homes are only cinders; smoke

clogging our city, like Atlantis underwater,

and our lungs split and torn, until we breathed

the sun. We left as soon as we heard

the phone ring: the tree in our yard was already

aflame, carrot blazes licking cherry autumn leaves.

Fire: beautiful fire, we dance in your light, we

feast in your heat, we pray in your opulence,

we burn in your flames. We burn in your flames.



2



The last thing we left was my parents’ wedding

videotape. When our car was past the mountains,

past the city, past the fire: when we were all but safe,

we heard nuptial harmonies crackle in the flames.  

The night we returned home, we found the

Bible under the rubble, unscathed leather:

we are our brother’s keeper, “Am I?” 

Fire is the wrath of trees; it is the sun’s dooming

gaze, father’s deep unforgiving glaze;

Fire is a red sky, slithering like a snake

through empty streets, until its tail is caught

in its mouth. Endless, it pierces through walls like

soldiers of war—flame, flesh and glass, 

it never loved anyone but itself.

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Last edited by Gadi. on Tue Apr 15, 2008 4:34 am; edited 2 times in total
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PostPosted: Wed Apr 02, 2008 1:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow! I really enjoyed that!

I love to read poetry, but when it comes to reviewing it, I leave a lot to be desired. So, let's have a look!

I am not sure if I understood the message, but I have an idea. I won't say it because I will look stupid if its wrong Embarassed. At first, I was a little concerned that this would just be a story in verse, and the start is. However, the end of the first part, and the entire second, I loved. I thought the imagery was great, and I loved all the lovely wordy sentences.

More good points, include your use of repetition and spot on grammar. Actually, just one thing:

Quote:
“am I?”

Should be capital 'A' I would say.

I really enjoyed that, honesty! I am not sure if I have read any of yours before now, but I think you are a very talented poet.

Keep writing!

~Mark

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PostPosted: Wed Apr 02, 2008 4:35 pm    Post subject: Re: Wildfire Reply with quote

Gadi. wrote:
1

The night we returned home, burning ashes
floated in air like fireflies. We heard the
sirens ring through the night; school was out,
and we could just make out a red streak
across the highway. Our home was filled
with strangers, and their clothes smelled like
tires, and tears, and metal, and the Diaspora
of neighbors, some homes are only cinders; smoke
clogging our city, like Atlantis underwater,
and our lungs split and torn, until we breathed
the sun. We left as soon as we heard
the phone ring: the tree in our yard was already
aflame, carrot blazes licking cherry autumn leaves.
Fire: beautiful fire, we dance in your light, we
feast in your heat, we pray in your opulence,
we burn in your flames. We burn in your flames.

2

The last thing we left was my parents’ wedding
videotape. When our car was past the mountains,
past the city, past the fire: when we were all but safe,
we heard nuptial harmonies crackle in the flames.
The night we returned home, we found the
Bible under the rubble, unscathed leather:
we are our brother’s keeper, “am I?”
Fire is the wrath of trees; it is the sun’s dooming
gaze, father’s deep unforgiving glaze;
Fire is a red sky, slithering like a snake
through empty streets, until its tail is caught
in its mouth. Endless, it pierces through walls like
soldiers of war—flame, flesh and glass,
crystal clear blue blood.


Wow, this is excellent. I see the message in it. It's about a family being burned, no? Well, it has a good, but dark meaning to it. I like the rhythm used in it. This poem has enough details in it to show the message, I see nothing to fix. Keep up the good work.

-Rick
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PostPosted: Fri Apr 04, 2008 1:52 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey! Thank you very much for your crits.

"It's about a family being burned, no?"
I'd let you decide that. When I wrote it, I imagined their house being burnt, not them.

" am not sure if I understood the message, but I have an idea. I won't say it because I will look stupid if its wrong."
No! You won't look stupid nor wrong! You will look perfect if you told me what you thought the message what, because then I can change my poem to thus change my message.

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PostPosted: Sun Apr 13, 2008 11:12 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Okay, so poetry isn't my area of expertise, and I don't know how mch I can help you.

I quite liked this. I like reading poetry and lyrics that are like stories, they're better than random ramblings.

Quote:
Our home was filled
with strangers, and their clothes smelled like
tires, and tears, and metal, and the Diaspora
of neighbors, some homes are only cinders; smoke
clogging our city,


I can't be sure, but wasn't there loads of fires somewhere in America earlier this year or something? Because that's what this bit reminded me of. I could be wrong, but it's what it made me think too.

I don't have anything else to say. But I really liked it.

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PostPosted: Mon Apr 14, 2008 2:45 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Very interesting poem. I enjoyed the read. I think its the most interesting poem I've read. Great job!

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PostPosted: Mon Apr 14, 2008 9:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Intersesting. Really nice. How do you write like that?! i enjoyed it.
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PostPosted: Sun Apr 20, 2008 7:32 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
I can't be sure, but wasn't there loads of fires somewhere in America earlier this year or something? Because that's what this bit reminded me of. I could be wrong, but it's what it made me think too.


Yes... this is based on the October 2007 San Diego fires. I was evacuated, but our house didn't burn down like I wrote in the poem. There were about 1000 homes lost, however, and I tried to put these feelings of loss, anger and wistfulness into this poem.

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PostPosted: Mon Apr 21, 2008 10:09 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

First thats an awsome tital you've got, best tital in the world.

A very interesting poem, it has rwal meaning to it.

Keep it up.
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PostPosted: Mon Apr 21, 2008 10:36 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
Endless, it pierces through walls like
soldiers of war—flame, flesh and glass,
it never loved anyone but itself.


Wonderful poem. It's definitely dramatic.
I love the very last part, about never loving anyone except itself. Strong.

There's nothing I can see that needs critiquing, it's so original. Smile

Great job

Peace V Razz
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