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Untouched ch 13
Untouched ch 13

by jasmine12 in Other Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Science-Fiction

This thread was created on March 28, 2008
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Strangers in the fog part 4
A girl named Revelation part 1
A girl named Revelation part 2
A Girl Named Revelation part 3
A girl named Revelation part 4

Strangers in the fog part 1
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PostPosted: Sat Mar 29, 2008 1:54 am    Post subject: Strangers in the fog part 1 Reply with quote

Fog hung on the streets of Sector 33. Big Ben sounded in the distance echoing through out the thin alleys and brick covered buildings. Gideon walked down the barren street, his breath clinging to the cold air. His shoes tapped with every step down Parliament Square, as he spat on the granite steps of the House of Parliament. Parliament he scoffed. Just a sign of the stupidity the world has sank into. Once upon a time there was such a thing as a vote and an opinion. A sign hung above him, covered with hundreds of different languages. Each read, “United Nations Monument” Ever since the United Nations joined the countries into one giant mess, nothing had gone as planned. Hundreds of leaders all arguing at once didn't leave much time for improvement.

Gideon walked throughout the abandoned alleys and back streets that filed the city. A wind picked up, twirling the leaves and ancient newspapers around his feet. A sign squeaked overhead as it rocked back and forth.

“Welcome to London” It read in large golden letters. Surprised it hasn’t rotten yet, Gideon thought to himself. As long as he could remember, London had been known as Sector 33. It had once been a thriving city, London, but now, it was abandoned and full of vacant buildings, only a few hundred people still living within its borders. Gideon had no idea where everyone had gone, it was long before his time. However, his mother used to whisper him stories of a rebellion, in forms of bedtime stories. Gideon still couldn’t tell how much of each of the stories were real, but for some reason, Gideon believed every word of them.

He stood still for a moment, examining the nearby buildings. Each was made of brick, shattered windows high above his head. Black torn curtains blew across the window, the broken shutters on either side of the window squeaked, bumping against the side of the building as the flapped around in the wind. It was an eerie sight, sending shivers down his spine. However, it wasn’t the image that scared Gideon; it was the silence.

A scream sounded in the distance, making Gideon jump. He immediately reached for his cutlass, strapped tightly to his back. He could feel the condensation on its handle and unsheathed it in one strong tug. The blade hummed in the air, extracting energy from the nearby air molecules. Guns had become useless when the new breed of electronic weaponry came into existence.

Gideon ran towards the scream into the thin fog. He heard it again, louder, more crisp in the air; Gideon turned onto the Westminster Bridge. His heart pounded quickly in his chest; his breath quickened as he listened for the scream.

At first nothing.

A second passed, two, nothing.

It was silent for seconds until the scream sounded again along the east bank of the river. Gideon sprinted forward towards the scream. It grew and grew, and then after a loud thud, silence. He found the source: a girl of about 15 or 16 years, lying on the bridge, large slashes visible across her torso. They were clean cuts, too large to heal naturally, blood flowing freely, soaking her clothes.

She was small, probably only five and a half feet tall. She looked like a fragile porcelain doll, her pale complexion dotted with freckles, her light blonde hair resting softly on the bridge.

Gideon had seen many attacks like this in the past year: a few of the victims located in St. Thomas' Hospital, most in the nearby morgues. Her quick, raspy breaths could were labored; her bloodshot eyes were wide and staring darting around, searching for her attacker -- she was, no doubt, terrified of whatever had just happened.

"Calm down." Gideon whispered, kneeling close to the girl. "It'll be okay, just calm down." He took off his trench coat, and draped it over the girl. She was cold to the touch, her face losing what little color it had to it. She was losing blood, too much for her to likely survive. Gideon lifted her into his arms, her head sagging, as she moaned and murmured quietly. Warm sticky blood ran down Gideon's arms and onto his white tee-shirt.

He walked slowly down the bridge, trying to move her as little as possible. His shoes splashed in the puddles, tapping along the asphalt in a rhythmic pattern.

Gideon's foot tapped against something soft, something different. It moaned, a hand wrapping around Gideon's leg. Gideon quickly shifted the girl into one arm, and reached for his cutlass which, he realized was lying where the girl used to be. Luckily, Gideon wasn't completely unarmed.

Reaching under his arm, he quickly exposed his dagger, spinning it around on the palm of his hand firmly placing it under the wrist of the thing holding onto his leg. "Letting go would be a good idea," Gideon said aloud. The hand released its grip and started to protest.

"Don't leave me to die," whispered the hand.

Gideon bent over to re-examine the thing attached to his leg. It was a man dressed in a Bradbury suit, Rolex strapped around his wrist, Italian leather shoes upon his feet. "You can't leave me to die."

"Sorry `bout the suit pal," Gideon said, pulling the man's suit open, exposing his wounds. He had been stabbed multiple times by some sort of electro-draining blade much like his own. He could see the energy leaving his body, his skin losing its color, his breaths becoming more labored.

Gideon placed his hand upon the wound; he could feel the energy still draining from his body, sending tingling sensations through his hand, the current fading into the west. Whatever had killed him had taken the weapon west.

There was no hope for the man and little for the girl. If the girl was going to survive, Gideon had to leave the guy. He pulled his leg away, roughly shaking the man’s grip, re-sheathed his dagger, and headed towards the hospital.

*****

Three days had gone by since the Gideon had found the girl, and no attacks had occurred since. Gideon had wandered the streets, but since his supplies closets were full he had nothing to do. He was a looter, taking what others had left behind. It was easy work but didn't leave him with much to do.

He sat in one of London's many phone booths, running his fingers through his light brown hair. It was raining outside, as it did every morning, or at least for as long he could remember. He had heard once that the sky wasn't always so scorched, and a bright star, bigger than the moon would shine through the clouds in the morning, turning the sky blue, making the rain stop. Gideon looked to the sky, a glint of hope in his green eyes, but just like before, the sky was still gray, dark clouds blanketing it. The sky was shrouded with darkness, just glints of the sky appearing through the darkness.

Gideon preferred the night. He stepped outside the booth, pulling the collar of his trench coat up around his neck. The leather still smelled like the girl from the night before and was thankful with the smell.

Lavender, He thought. It had been years since he had smelled the scent. His mother used to put it on his pillow; she said it helped the mind wander to sleep. Gideon sighed at the thought of his mother. Without warning she died when Gideon was only thirteen, leaving him alone in the lonely Sector 33. She had also said Queen Mab loved the scent of Lavender. However, Gideon didn't believe in Queen Mab. Queen Mab was nothing but a fairy tale, used to keep children doing good deeds.

The rain drops trickled down Gideon's face, splattering on the ground, forming puddles on the sidewalks. He headed down the empty road towards the hospital to check up on the girl. He had nothing better to do. No one to talk to. Everyone who still lived in Sector 33 kept themselves locked up in there little houses,indulging themselves in false realities.

Why was the girl on the streets? Gideon asked himself. She wasn't a looter unlike himself-- too young. That was another thing that concerned him. What would drive someone to attack a 16 year old girl? Rape? He doubted it. Still he wanted to know if she was okay or not. He entered the building, looking directly up into the cameras overhead. He knew that the people inside already knew who he was. Iris scans were required to enter any public building; everyone was tagged, and there was no hiding ones identity anymore.

"Good morning Mister Saoirse" the revolving doors said as he entered the building.

Wink



Last edited by Runawaythoughts on Mon May 05, 2008 1:25 am; edited 8 times in total
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PostPosted: Sat Mar 29, 2008 3:13 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Just a quick tip, review twice before posting. Oh and please put spaces between your paragraphs, it just makes it easier to read. Very Happy

When the main character or any character talks or has a thought, put spaces between it like how you would a paragraph.

Quote:
Warm sticky blood ran down Gideon's arms,
and onto his white tee-shirt. Gideon walked slowly down the bridge, trying to move her as little as...

You need to put the "and" back up by "arms,"

Quote:
It was raining outside, as it did every morning,
or at least for as long he could remember. He had heard once, that the sky wasn't always so...

Same with this one.

Quote:
The leather still smelled like the girl from the night before, and was thankful content with the smell. <-- put thankful or content, not both


Quote:
"Good morning mister, Saoirse" the revolving doors said as he entered the building.

You need to move the comma from the end of mister to the end of Saoirse.

Other than those things it was a really good idea for a story! I've never heard these names before, which was one of the things that made me want to keep reading. If the names that the writer uses are comman names that are used often in lots of other stories, I don't usually keep reading it.

Anyway... I hope I get to see more of this! Welcom to YWS by the way! Very Happy

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PostPosted: Sat Mar 29, 2008 3:44 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Need spacing.

I thought that this was... interesting. But you give us a bit too much of an info dump right in the beginning - at least that's how I felt.

Very creative. Plus on that.

It's a good start. I like your descriptions.

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PostPosted: Mon Mar 31, 2008 6:01 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

OK guys I made some chnages please read and review again. And read the other 3 i have out now. Thanks!
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PostPosted: Tue Apr 01, 2008 1:40 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Okay, it looks like you fixed a lot of things you were criticized on before so thats good. Let me just point out a few thing that still need some fixing.


Brand names like "Bradbury" and "Rolex" need to be capitalized.



" She was a looter unlike himself..." should be: "She was a looter unlike him..."






And thats all folks!




Anyways it was a really great story and more grown up than I would expect from a 14 year old. The feelings the main character had were expressed so well by you that I felt they were my own. And I love the atmosphere you describe. Great story, cant wait to read more.




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PostPosted: Tue Apr 01, 2008 10:59 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This is a pretty good idea and story beginning. But you revealed too much too soon...the reader will feel kind of like they had been flooded! Just make a steam of information so Readers can actually comprende the information.

Beside's that, it is quite excellent. I will never comment on grammer or anything and I'm proud of that.

Don't worry about anything, Keep writing and it will be succesful.

4/5

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PostPosted: Wed Apr 09, 2008 6:24 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

*Moderator Note*

Changed your topic description to lower-case. All upper-case tends to turn readers away.

I left the context as is, but begging for critiques also tends to push away reviewers as well. But that's your decision.

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PostPosted: Thu Apr 17, 2008 2:57 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hello, there! I'll give you a nice crit -- hopefully before I have to eat. We'll see. ^^
Quote:
Big Ben sounded in the distance, echoing through out the thin alleys, [no comma] and brick covered buildings.


Quote:
His shoes tapped with every step down Parliament Square, spitting on the steps of the House of Parliament


His shoes spit? *blinks*

Quote:
Parliament, he scoffed, [period instead] Just a sign of the stupidity the world has sank into.


Quote:
Hundreds of leaders all arguing at once didn't leave much time for improvement.


Or a hundred. Very Happy

Quote:
Bombers soared overhead, to a far away, leaving nothing but smoke in its trails.


That just made the sentence confusing, unless it's a typo that I couldn't decipher. Laughing

Quote:
London, now known as Sector 33, used to be home of a rebellion, one of the largest ever known to mankind, but after the government threatened them with one of their many nuclear warheads, the city, and the rebellion, became almost extinct.


This seemed a touch info-dumpy. Try to blend this in a little more, whether it be with dialogue or characters' thoughts or out of a textbook.

Quote:
He could feel the condensation on its handle, [no comma] and unsheathed it in one strong tug.


No commas in front of conjunctions like and unless there's a subject AND a verb on both sides of it.

Quote:
Guns became useless when the new breed of electronic weaponry came into existence.


Blugh, I'd get rid of this. Again, it's a bit info-dumpy. It's usually a given that people get rid of old weapons when newer, more advanced weapons are created.

Quote:
Gideon ran towards the scream, [no comma] into the thin fog. He heard it again, [dash?] louder, more crisp in the air, [period or semi instead]Gideon turned onto the Westminster Bridge.


Quote:
His heart pounded quickly in his chest, [semi instead] his breath quickened, [no comma] as he listened for the scream.


Quote:
At first nothing. A second passed, two, nothing. Then the scream sounded again, it was somewhere on the bridge, closer to the east bank.


First of all, I'd make this a new paragraph for dramatic effect. Then try something like this:

Nothing. It was silent for seconds until the scream sounded again along the east bank of the river.

Don't make it too long, but make the waiting a bit more suspenseful. Suspense is fun. ^_^

Quote:
Gideon sprinted forward towards the scream.


The scream, the scream, the scream... Maybe he can just rush over or something?

Quote:
It grew and grew, and then after a loud thud, silence.


You use then a lot, and it's actually one of my personal peeves. I don't much like the word unless I really need it. Don't use it too much, or it'll sound like a boring "First this, then that, and then this happened..." Plus, you can make this sentence much more suspenseful.

[i]The sound got louder and louder.

Thud!

Silence.


Underlined would be italics, but yeah.. maybe?

Quote:
He found the source, a girl, 15 maybe 16, lay on the bridge, large slashes across her torso.


Let's reformat this like so:

He found the source: a girl of about 15 or 16 years, lying on the bridge, large slashes visible across her torso.

We could describe the slashes a bit more, but I couldn't think of anything on the spot.

Quote:
Gideon had seen many like her in the past year, [colon instead] a few of them located in St. Thomas' Hospital, most in the nearby morgues.


Quote:
Her breaths were raspy, quick, and cut short. She was traumatized, terrified of whatever had just happened.


Mm.. nah, try this:

Her quick, raspy breaths could probably be heard from miles away. Her bloodshot eyes were wide and staring -- she was, no doubt, terrified of whatever had just happened.

Something like that?

Quote:
Gideon ran towards the scream, into the thin fog. He heard it again, louder, more crisp in the air, Gideon turned onto the Westminster Bridge. His heart pounded quickly in his chest, his breath quickened, as he listened for the scream.

[New paragraph]

At first nothing.

[New paragraph]

A second passed, two, nothing.

[New paragraph]

Then the scream sounded again, it was somewhere on the bridge, closer to the east bank. Gideon sprinted forward towards the scream. It grew and grew, and then after a loud thud, silence.

[New paragraph]

He found the source, a girl, 15 maybe 16, lay on the bridge, large slashes across her torso. Gideon had seen many like her in the past year, a few of them located in St. Thomas' Hospital, most in the nearby morgues. Her breaths were raspy, quick and cut short. She was traumatized, terrified of whatever had just happened.


Just some paragraphing suggestions. Smile

Quote:
he He took off his trench coat, and draped it over the girl.


Quote:
She was losing blood, [dash?] too much for her to likely survive.


You use a lot of commas, but some of them can be replaced by dashes or other punctuation to add more variety. ^^

Quote:
Warm sticky blood ran down Gideon's arms and onto his white tee-shirt.

[New paragraph]

Gideon He walked slowly down the bridge, trying to move her as little as possible.


Quote:
His shoes splashed in the puddles, tapping along the asphalt, [no comma] in a rhythmic pattern.

[New paragraph]


Quote:
Gideon quickly shifted the girl into one arm, [no comma] and reached for his cutlass, which, he realized, was lying, [no comma] where the girl used to be.


Quote:
Luckily, [no comma?] Gideon wasn't completely unarmed.

[New paragraph?]


Quote:
Reaching under his arm, he quickly exposed his dagger, spinning it around on the palm of his hand, [no comma] and firmly placing it under the hand's his wrist.


Quote:
"Letting go would be a good idea. [comma instead]" Gideon said aloud. The hand released its grip, [no comma] and started to protest.


Quote:
"Don't leave me to die. [comma instead]" whispered the hand.

[New paragraph]

Gideon bent over to re-examine the thing attached to his leg. It was a man, [no comma] dressed in a bradbury suit, [no comma] with rolex strapped around his wrist, [no comma] and Italian leather shoes upon his feet. "You can't leave me to die."


Quote:
"Sorry `bout the suit pal. [comma instead]" Gideon said, pulling his the man's suit clean open, [no comma] and exposing his wounds.

[New paragraph]

He had been stabbed, [no comma] multiple times, [no comma] by some sort of electro-draining blade, [no comma] much like his own. He could see the energy leaving his body, his skin losing its color, his breath's [no apostrophe] becoming more labored.

[New paragraph]

Gideon placed his hand upon the wound, [semi or period instead] he could feel the energy still draining from his body, sending tingling sensations through his hand, fading into the west [What?]. Whatever had killed him had taken the weapon west.


Quote:
There was no hope for the man, [no comma] and little for the girl.


Quote:
Three days had gone by since the Gideon had found the girl, and no attacks had occurred since. Gideon had wandered the streets, but since his supplies closets were full, he had nothing to do. He was a looter, taking what others had left behind after the threat. It was easy work, [no comma] but didn't leave him with much to do.


Quote:
He sat in one of London's many phone booths, running his hair [fingers] through his light brown hair. It was raining outside, [no comma] as it did every morning, or at least for as long he could remember. He had heard once, [no comma] that the sky wasn't always so scorched, and a bright star, bigger than the moon, would shine through the clouds in the morning, turning the sky blue, making the rain stop. Gideon looked to the sky, a glint of hope in his green eyes, but just like before, the sky was still gray, dark clouds blanketing it. The sky was shrouded with darkness, just glints of the sky appearing through the darkness.


Quote:
The leather still smelled like the girl from the night before, [no comma] and was thankful with the smell.


Quote:
Lavender. [comma instead] He thought. It had been years since he had smelled the scent. His mother used to put it on his pillow, [dash or semi] she said it helped the mind wander to sleep.


Quote:
Gideon sighed at the thought of his mother.


Wait, how old is this guy again?

Quote:
The rain drops trickled down Gideon's face, splattering on the ground, forming puddles on the sidewalks. He headed down the empty road towards the hospital to check up on the girl. He had nothing better to do. [comma? dash? Something else? lol] No one to talk to. Everyone who still lived in Sector 33 kept themselves locked up in there little houses,indulging themselves in false realities.

[New paragraph]

Why was the girl on the streets? Gideon asked himself. She wasn't a looter unlike himself, [dash instead] too young. That was another thing that concerned him. What would drive someone to attack a 16 year old girl? Rape? He doubted it. Still, he wanted to know if she was okay or not.

[New paragraph]

He entered the building, looking directly up into the cameras overhead. He knew that the people inside already knew who he was. Iris scans were required to enter any public building, [semi or period] everyone was tagged, and there was no hiding one's identity anymore.


Quote:
"Good morning, mister Mister [or Mr.] Saoirse," the revolving doors said as he entered the building.


Sweet, the doors talk...

Paragraphs

You had big blocks of text -- monstrous and scary. That can scare off readers. Keep in mind: New idea, new paragraph. New speaker, new paragraph. Even: New POV, new paragraph. It's an easy idea to grasp.

Grammar

Basic overview of what I critted above.

1. Tags -- Easy pickings. Watch your tags.

You write this: "Mommy says I can't have any candy," muttered the girl.

Not: "Mommy says I can't have any candy." Muttered the girl.

Again, it takes some getting used to. I think Snoink wrote a whole article thing under Writing Tips. She wrote something about tags, so you can always look at that. ^_^

2. Commas -- You overdo the commas. At least you use them, though! Commas are your friends! But so are the rest of the punctuation. Semicolons, colons, dashes, even parentheses are all there to be used. You just have to understand the rules of each. Even I don't know them all, but I can help you in that general direction. Smile

3. There was something else... *shrug*

Description

You're definitely describing, but you list them for an eternity.

For example: The tot fell on the floor, crying his heart out, his screaming heard throughout the neighborhood, his fists banging on the concrete, yelling for his ball back.

Try this, though: The tot banged his fists on the ground, making a huge fit over his lost ball. His screams echoed in the development; the neighbors looked through their windows, watching the boy cry his heart out and beg for his ball back.

You can turn one run-on sentence into three sentences [I combined two with a semi] and it's more effective, as well as smooth and easy to read. I was even able to add more description. This will reduce your comma-use too. ^_^

Overall

There's probably more for me to say, but for now.. you have something here. Go back and edit. I'm sure I didn't catch everything, but I caught what I could through one reading. Smile

Keep writing!

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PostPosted: Fri Apr 18, 2008 11:10 pm    Post subject: Re: Strangers in the fog part 1 Reply with quote

Quote:
Fog hung on the streets of Sector 33. Big Ben sounded in the distance echoing through out the thin alleys, and brick covered buildings. Gideon walked down the barren street, his breath clinging to the cold air. His shoes tapped with every step down Parliament Square, spitting on the steps of the House of Parliament. Parliament he scoffed, Just a sign of the stupidity the world has sank into. Once upon a time there was such a thing as a vote and an opinion. Ever since the United Nations joined the countries into one giant mess, nothing had gone as planned. Hundred of leaders all arguing at once didn't leave much time for improvement.


You may want to go into a back story here, kind of set the mood for the rest of the story/ book. Make a prologue.

Quote:
Bombers soared overhead, to a far away, leaving nothing but smoke in its trails.


Make that, to a far away place. I think that it makes more sense that way.

Quote:
As the leaders of the world now thought, any uprising, any problem could be solved if you eliminated it. Elimination could be found inside a bomb.


Why? What makes the leader look at the world that way?

Quote:
London, now known as Sector 33, used to be home of a rebellion, one of the largest ever known to mankind, but after the government threatened them with one of their many nuclear warheads, the city, and the rebellion, became almost extinct.


I kinda doubt that a government would actually launch a nuclear missile at one of their own cities. Kinda makes for a peopleless country.

Quote:
A scream sounded in the distance. Gideon immediately reached for his cutlass, strapped tightly to his back. He could feel the condensation on its handle, and unsheathed it in one strong tug. The blade hummed in the air, extracting energy from the nearby air molecules. Guns became useless when the new breed of electronic weaponry came into existence.


If they've got electronic weaponry, I doubt that a sword would be much use. Also, why would electronic weapons make regular guns useless?

Quote:
Gideon ran towards the scream, into the thin fog. He heard it again, louder, more crisp in the air, Gideon turned onto the Westminster Bridge. His heart pounded quickly in his chest, his breath quickened, as he listened for the scream. At first nothing. A second passed, two, nothing. Then the scream sounded again, it was somewhere on the bridge, closer to the east bank. Gideon sprinted forward towards the scream. It grew and grew, and then after a loud thud, silence. He found the source, a girl, 15 maybe 16, lay on the bridge, large slashes across her torso. Gideon had seen many like her in the past year, a few of them located in St. Thomas' Hospital, most in the nearby morgues. Her breaths were raspy, quick and cut short. She was traumatized, terrified of whatever had just happened.


I like the description. I'd drag it out a little longer. It seems a bit rushed.

Quote:
"Sorry `bout the suit pal." Gideon said, pulling his suit clean open, exposing his wounds. He had been stabbed, multiple times, by some sort of electro-draining blade, much like his own. He could see the energy leaving his body, his skin losing its color, his breath's becoming more labored. Gideon placed his hand upon the wound, he could feel the energy still draining from his body, sending tingling sensations through his hand, fading into the west. Whatever had killed him had taken the weapon west.


Uh, please explain the technology. I don't quite understand the energy?

Quote:
There was no hope for the man, and little for the girl. If the girl was going to survive, he had to leave the guy. He pulled his leg away, re-sheathed his dagger, and headed towards the hospital.


Doesn't the man say anything? he's being left to die. I'd be pretty angry.

Quote:
Three days had gone by since the Gideon had found the girl, and no attacks had occurred since. Gideon had wandered the streets, but since his supplies closets were full he had nothing to do. He was a looter, taking what others had left behind after the threat. It was easy work, but didn't leave him with much to do.


Is this like the cities in Harlen Ellison's 'A boy and his dog?' Ya know, bombed out buildings, abandoned streets?

Quote:
He sat in one of London's many phone booths, running his hair through his light brown hair. It was raining outside, as it did every morning, or at least for as long he could remember. He had heard once, that the sky wasn't always so scorched, and a bright star, bigger than the moon would shine through the clouds in the morning, turning the sky blue, making the rain stop. Gideon looked to the sky, a glint of hope in his green eyes, but just like before, the sky was still gray, dark clouds blanketing it. The sky was shrouded with darkness, just glints of the sky appearing through the darkness.


Has the government learned to control the weather? Are they using the cloudy rainy sky as a punishment for the rebellion?

Quote:
Without warning, she died, leaving a thirteen year old boy alone in the lonely Sector 33.


Don't use lonely and alone in the same sentence. It sounds awkward.

Quote:

She had also said Queen Mab loved the scent of Lavender. However, Gideon didn't believe in Queen Mab. Queen Mab was nothing but a fairy tale, used to keep children doing good deeds.


Who is Queen Mab?

Quote:
The rain drops trickled down Gideon's face, splattering on the ground, forming puddles on the sidewalks.


I thought that he was still in the phone booth?



Over all, I thought that this was very good. So good in fact, that I think I'll read the rest. Keep up the good work.

Cheers,
Pros

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