Topic ID: 28073
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Do you like it? |
| No. |
|
27% |
[ 3 ] |
| Yes. |
|
72% |
[ 8 ] |
|
| Total Votes : 11 |
|
| Author |
Message |
Archstormangel
doesn't like Twilight.
Novelist
Gender: 
Age: 14
Joined: 31 Mar 2008
Posts: 294
Reviews: 49
Country: Burp.
252 Points
|
 Posted: Tue Apr 01, 2008 5:55 am Post subject: Dreamed of Hell |
 |
|
I wrote this almost a year ago. Tell me what you think?
--------------------
[pre]Dreamed of Hell (3/23/07)
I dreamed of love, once -
And my love killed herself.
I dreamed of a Princess
With bloodied knife on a shelf.
I dreamed of an adventure
And an angel fell from a tower.
I dreamed of a friendship
One was gone within the hour.
I dreamed of an old maiden
Her eyes were half-gouged out.
I dreamed they found a savior
But then was filled with doubt.
I dreamed I saw my nightmares
And secrets I'd never told.
I dreamed my life was nothing,
No love, no light to hold.
I dreamed of a story,
That I could never tell.
I dreamed that if I looked at it
I'd see the bloody hell.
And then I dreamed a dream -
Purely, solely Hell.
[/pre] |
_________________
http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic34126.html
:O
Click plz.
Last edited by Archstormangel on Thu Aug 07, 2008 10:43 pm; edited 3 times in total |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
Kenpachi Masamune
Senior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 20
Joined: 27 Mar 2008
Posts: 140
Reviews: 74
300 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Apr 01, 2008 6:12 am Post subject: |
|
|
I dreamed of love, once - (Good)
The loved one killed herself ('loved one' sounds awkward)
I dreamed of Princesses (Princesses....how about single? Mr. Lech)
They were dead, a knife on a shelf (Last part is awkward)
I dreamed of an adventure
And an angel fell from a tower
I dreamed of a friendship
One was dead, within the hour
I dreamed of an old maiden
Her eyes were half-gouged out (what!?)
I dreamed they found a savior
By then, was filled with doubt (But then*)
I dreamed my dreams were nightmares (lose 'dreams were')
And secrets I'd never told
I dreamed my life was nothing,
No love, no light to hold
I dreamed of a story,
That I could never tell
I dreamed that if I looked at it
I'd see the bloody hell
And then I dreamed a dream -
Purely, solely Hell
It was good, but you changed form towards the end and the beginning needed some work. Overall it was very good and simple at the same time. |
_________________
Blank Chapters 1-5 at:
http://kenpachimasamune.page.tl/
Check it out!
You found Ghostie! ๏̯͡๏) |
|
| Back to top |
|
Archstormangel
doesn't like Twilight.
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 31 Mar 2008
Posts: 294
Reviews: 49
Country: Burp.
252 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Apr 01, 2008 6:19 am Post subject: |
|
|
Thanks!
I nevre really liked the first few lines, honestly, but I can see where it bothers you. Thanks. I'll edit it and repost.
I rather would like to keep the line that goes 'I dreamed my dreams were nightmares', though. Or at least, the general idea- any hints as to how I can do that? |
_________________
http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic34126.html
:O
Click plz. |
|
| Back to top |
|
Kenpachi Masamune
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 20
Joined: 27 Mar 2008
Posts: 140
Reviews: 74
300 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Apr 01, 2008 6:29 am Post subject: |
|
|
No need to repost. Just edit your original here.
The line:
'I dreamed my dreams were nightmares'
is really more of needless repeating. Unless you want to stress the fact you dreamed your dreams being of nightmares. Which would be rather unusual as you don't usually dream you dream, you just dream. It is more powerful to simply write:
"I dreamed my nightmares"
I am not sure on how you could keep the repetitive line while preserving the original sense. Though if you like it so much, why not just keep it? |
_________________
Blank Chapters 1-5 at:
http://kenpachimasamune.page.tl/
Check it out!
You found Ghostie! ๏̯͡๏) |
|
| Back to top |
|
casey_kent
God-breathed warrior♥♥♥
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 07 Feb 2008
Posts: 722
Reviews: 125
Country: land of mangoes and coconuts; where cherries are rare
1234 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Apr 01, 2008 6:49 am Post subject: |
|
|
| Good poem. It was nice! |
_________________
Aunt Celeste: (to Maggie) Brian, Brian, Brian... Didn't you used to have a stalker named Brian?
Brian: (grins) The one and only. She finally came to her senses.
---
Christianity is not a religion, it's a relationship. |
|
| Back to top |
|
Archstormangel
doesn't like Twilight.
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 31 Mar 2008
Posts: 294
Reviews: 49
Country: Burp.
252 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Apr 01, 2008 4:21 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Thanks!
Kenpachi, the reason I'm rather reluctant to change it to that it because it seems to interrupt the entire flow of the poem. I'll just try to find a way to lengthen the syllables in that sentence. |
_________________
http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic34126.html
:O
Click plz. |
|
| Back to top |
|
Aedomir
If you hate me press alt+f4.
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 19 Jan 2008
Posts: 1860
Reviews: 370
Country: The fantasy of limbo, but I call it England.
300 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Apr 01, 2008 4:39 pm Post subject: |
|
|
I really enjoyed that!
I loved all the negatives you used, but it bothers me how you used 'dead/death' so much along with 'bloody' and 'kill'. The theme was nice though and the grammar was spot on.
Not a lot more to add!
Great, keep writing!
~Mark |
_________________
We are all Sociopaths: The Prologue
Sociopath: So • ci • o • path noun
1. Someone who believes their behaviour is right.
2. Human. |
|
| Back to top |
|
Archstormangel
doesn't like Twilight.
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 31 Mar 2008
Posts: 294
Reviews: 49
Country: Burp.
252 Points
|
|
| Back to top |
|
Angel of Death
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 04 Nov 2007
Posts: 457
Reviews: 242
Country: Behind the Sea
950 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Apr 01, 2008 8:55 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| This was really good. |
_________________
"Like the apple that passed through both the lips of Adam and Eve, you are forbidden. So if I were to pick you from a garden that has been coveted by another man, then I shall have hell to pay for my sins,"-Me |
|
| Back to top |
|
Archstormangel
doesn't like Twilight.
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 31 Mar 2008
Posts: 294
Reviews: 49
Country: Burp.
252 Points
|
|
| Back to top |
|
Blue Fairy
The future's out to get you
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 13
Joined: 28 Nov 2007
Posts: 294
Reviews: 126
Country: England!
300 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Apr 01, 2008 10:16 pm Post subject: |
|
|
I really like this  |
_________________
Formely known as Fairy_twinkletoes_13
Grab a pogo stick and come and....pogo with me!
Brains first, then hard work. That's the way to build a house- Eeyore |
|
| Back to top |
|
Archstormangel
doesn't like Twilight.
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 31 Mar 2008
Posts: 294
Reviews: 49
Country: Burp.
252 Points
|
|
| Back to top |
|
shanan-cat
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 23 Jan 2008
Posts: 153
Reviews: 120
300 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Apr 03, 2008 12:43 pm Post subject: |
|
|
I loved it!
But I thought that the fact that you repeated the last and second last stanza was reapeated and it oke away from the poem itself.
Other than that it was extremely good.
Nice job!
Shanan-cat! |
_________________
"Teeth yell
louder than
words..." |
|
| Back to top |
|
blacktiger3915
It's the eye of the tiger!
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 26 Nov 2007
Posts: 722
Reviews: 270
Country: Atlanta,GA USA
210 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Apr 03, 2008 4:51 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| Nicely done. I enjoyed reading it. |
_________________
Don't send sheep to kill a wolf. |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
Archstormangel
doesn't like Twilight.
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 31 Mar 2008
Posts: 294
Reviews: 49
Country: Burp.
252 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Apr 03, 2008 5:20 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Thanks!
Shanan, I meant, in that stanza, that eventually I did look at it. I sort of overcame my fear and gazed at that story and it was like 'HELL LOL'.
Does that not make sense I dunno. |
_________________
http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic34126.html
:O
Click plz. |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
