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The Sandman
The Sandman

by rebecca_anne_mcfarlane in Fantasy Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Romantic Fiction

This thread was created on March 30, 2008
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Keri's love Chapter One Part one
Keri's Love Chapter One Part Two
Keri's love Chapter One Part One (Redone)
Keri's Love Chapter One Part Two (Redone)
Keri's Love Chapter Two Part One (Redone)
Keri's Love Chapter Two Part Three
Keri's Love Chapter Two Part Four
Keri's Love Chapter Two Part Five
Keri's Love Chapter Three Part One

Keri's Love Chapter Two Part One
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PostPosted: Sun Mar 30, 2008 4:51 pm    Post subject: Keri's Love Chapter Two Part One Reply with quote

Ryder slowly looked around his small hotel room. He had found her. The girl he would change to be his own. Even if it meant he wouldn’t be the leader of the pack anymore, he wanted her. He smiled and looked into the mirror, he ran a hand through his hair and sighed. He knew she had fallen for him just as hard as he had fallen for her, now he was going to need to find her. Find her parents, that is where she would be going in a few weeks. He turned the napkin over in his hand that had her number on it. He set it on his nightstand and ran a hand through his hair.

Get close to her, get her to tell you. He smiled at the thought. They were meant. There was no doubt about that. Amber, his father, and the rest of the pack would have to understand that.

“Daydreaming again?” A voice laughed from behind him. He spun around and saw his little sister sitting on the bed behind him.

“How did you find me?” He growled,.

“Well, when Amber showed up without you, dad sent me.” She frowned,

“I don’t agree with them Ryder. I don’t think you should have to marry Amber because she is the dominate female. She is a snob.” Ryder smiled.

“You should see this girl, Chrissy, she is amazing.” He smiled. “We were made for each other. No doubt about that.”

“Well, then you should know Amber and her goonies are going to go give her some trouble tonight. Scare her away.” Chrissy said sadly. Ryder growled and ran towards the window, the moon was out, and it was pitch black.

“I’ll be back.” He growled quickly shifting form shaking out of his clothes afterwards. He lept out the window and hit the ground running. He had followed Keri home, so he knew where she lived, but he just hoped he got there before Amber did.

His hopes were smashed when he got to her house and found it empty. He heard barking and he quickly ran towards it. He saw Jerry, one of Amber’s goonies, holding down Keri’s germen shepared. Amber and Kenny were circling a shaking Keri. She jumped back as Amber jumped at her heels snapping. Amber laughed and growled deeply.

*~*~*~*

Keri looked at the red wolf in front of her. She wanted to scream so bad, but she knew she couldn’t, that might make the wolves attack. They had just been circling her for what felt like eternity. She glanced at Camo, her dog, and whimpered when she saw the third wolf still holding him down. Why aren’t they killing us? The thought made her worried, her eyes went to the black wolf that was following the red one around her. It snarled and she tried to step back, but couldn’t. A new growl came from her right and she glanced towards it. Her heart sank as she saw a fourth wolf. It was huge! It had a foot that was the size of her hand. It’s fur was a dusted brown, it’s ears were darker brown and there was what looked like a mask on it’s face. It’s fur looked soft and fluffy. It started running towards her and she slammed her eyes shut waiting for the pain that was guaranteed to come. She heard a yelp and opened her eyes. The wolf had jumped on the red one and had it pinned to the ground. The red was whimpering as the big wolf growled at it.

The big wolf backed up and the red took off for the woods it’s tail tucked between it’s legs. The big one turned to the black whose hair was raised and it’s teeth exposed. The big jumped on it and tore into it’s back. She saw the black bite the big’s leg and blood gushed out. The big wolf didn’t seem to notice though. It managed to throw the smaller into a tree sending it running. It turned and growled at the one holding Camo down and it turned taking off. Keri ran to Camo looking for any scratches. He was fine, just scared. She looked at the big wolf who was looking at her holding it’s injured leg up. She looked at it’s eyes and gasped. They were the same color blue as Ryder’s. She rubbed her eyes and looked again. She had been dreaming. She slowly moved towards it to wrap it’s leg up and it growled backing up a little.

“It’s ok, you helped me, let me help you.” She said softly. It laid down and looked at her as she moved slowly towards it. Camo ran up behind her and looked the wolf over. He laid down and let a small noise rise from his throat. The big wolf let the same out of it’s and she guessed they had made some sort of agreement. She carefully touched the wolf’s leg and a growl came out of it’s throat. She tensed but didn’t let go. She watched it’s ears, hoping maybe you could tell what a wolf was going to do by it’s ears like a horse, though she doubted it.

The bite wasn’t that bad and she carefully wrapped it in pieces of her shirt that she had torn off. She genly stroked it’s fur surprised at how amazing it felt against her hand. It was so soft and silky. It finally sank in that she was petting a wolf and her hand tensed causing the wolf to look up at her worriedly.

“Sorry, but you must really trust humans to not only save me, but let me pet you too.” She smiled continuing to pet it. It seemed to like being pet so she didn’t stop. She yawned and started to stand up. The wolf growled and she plopped back down. “I need to get home.” She sighed trying to keep her eyes open. She was tired, having three wolves attack her had been really scary.


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PostPosted: Mon Mar 31, 2008 7:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

It can't be that bad that no one has left a comment. :'(

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PostPosted: Mon Mar 31, 2008 9:59 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Awww... You sound so lonely... I shall brighten your day.

*boogies* I was right. Were-wolves! Ha!

This theme has been done before (were-wolf falls in love with human, even at risk of being kicked out of pack), and I'm a little worried for you, but I'm sure you'll pull it off.

My biggest concern is the pacing of this story. You are moving along at an incredible clip. How is Ryder so sure that she is the girl for him, when he has only spoken with her once, and then didn't discuss much of importance? Slow down a little. Maybe have them have another encounter, one that makes Amber suspect that Keri is actually a threat. And it gives them yet more bonding time.

A few nitpicks:

"Dad (when used as a name)" and "German Shepherd" are proper nouns and should be capitalized.

It's = it is
Its = belonging to it (I know... It's confusing. I hate this rule.)

You have Keri wondering if wolves' emotions can be read through their ears like horses. Wolves have a similar body language to dogs' and their ears are only part of it. If she has a dog, the body language should be almost the same and therefore a little easier for her to read. However, since it is Ryder (I assume?) he may have a different way of moving than a normal wolf. But it's not all in the ears, though I do like the fact that you brought that up. I can see that you are a horse freak... Wink Do you have a dog that you can watch?

The very last few words seem anti-climactic to the chapter. It "had been really scary"? Doesn't seem to me to strike the right tone with the blood and fear that raged earlier in the chapter. It comes across almost immaturely. And it is telling us what we already know. Well duh! Of course she was scared! And we already know that there were three wolves attacking her. Kinda repetitive there.

Perhaps something more like: "She sighed, (comma there) trying to keep her eyes open. The fear adrenaline was beginning to find its way out of her system and suddenly she was exhausted."

Where exactly did this whole fight thing take place? You say that her house is empty, but Ryder runs towards it and sees Jerry, but where? In the house? I thought it was empty. In the yard? For some reason, I imagined this entire thing taking place in the remains of her house after it had been burned to the ground. *sigh* I am so tired that nothing much is making sense... Wink

I think that her reaction to cleaning the wolf up is a little strange. I think it would be more likely for him to approach her than for her to approach him, after she just had such a traumatic experience. More than likely she would think that he wanted to eat her all by himself or something.

Anyway, nice stuff. Hope that this helps you out!

~GryphonFledgling

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PostPosted: Mon Mar 31, 2008 11:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks for the help. I will redo this chapter before posting more. Very Happy, I have a dog, but at the moment he is really really sick and just a puppy. He will be betterish in three weeks, but he isn't even coming out of his dog house, and my other dog runs off alot so I don't get to see him but once a month because he stays where my dad works. YEs I'm a horse freak and don't know much about dogs. But I'm sure I can figure it out. Also I don't know what else to theme it so I have to pull this off. THis is my first Werewolf story so it will be a little challenging. Very Happy. But I will fix this up when I get the time.

Thanks a ton!!!

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